New Year's Revolution

Mmmmm, [she sighs in deliciousness, as she is very happy with this year's word] my third year for a one-word resolution.


In 2007, my word for 2008 was Intention.
A powerful word. A constant reminder to be conscious of all workings and thoughts. A steady awareness of what I was creating. A helpful and worthy course, certainly.

This last year my chosen (felt) word was Still.
Again, an intrinsic word... something that came from deep inside. Being in the Still meant coming from the stillness, the authentic center... not only coming from, but being aware of what Spirit seeks and being willing to go to and come from that place as often as possible.
Serving and Being and Doing the most valuable parts of my Self.

Interestingly, as I ponder my word today, I think about how similar and serious those two words are.

Last night we celebrated with friends. And it was a very, very fine celebration. At dark we packed up the children and soups and thermoses of hot chocolate (and beer and whiskey to keep the chill off the Mama's and Daddy's :) ) and sleds and hats and extra mittens and we headed to our -collective- neighborhood park for some nighttime snow play.
We had shouts and tossing snow and a lovely, bright, terrifically warm fire. What a fine time we had! A perfect way to do it, we all decided, I think.

My girlfriend Aubrey had mentioned that she wanted to burn some things that she wanted to rid herself of before she greeted 2010.
So I tossed in a notepad and a pen into the bag of mittens.

As we sat around the fire, and talked - as we often do - and Aubrey started shedding her Unwanteds, I considered the things I wanted to be free of. It didn't feel True to start listing things that I consider obvious or what I might even call trite (anger, debt, extra pounds, etc.) so I considered what I truly wanted to be free from.

Doubt.
Doubt. I want to be free from doubt. I know the rules. I have the tools and information to create for myself all of the things that I desire and require. Truly, I only need to practice more "thinking from the end", as I said last night to my friends, and letting in the Knowing.

So, following this most satisfactory observation, last night, I of course considered that my word should or could have something to do with this conviction or knowing.
Of course, when pondering things you long to Create in you life, 'tis always best to focus on something you're for, as to opposed, as natural laws show us that Creating is always about what your focus is - so you'd better make sure you're focused on the good stuff, if that's what you desire to create.

So. Trust?
I did consider it. The problem was that though Trust seemed pretty fitting (particular to an unschooling Mama) it also seemed a little trite.
I didn't consider it at the time, but now I also see it as following along with the other two serious ones from the last two years. Trust didn't quite do it for me. It would be challenging, and no doubt I would learn something along the way, but it wasn't where I want to go.

I considered Joy.
Joy was good, because it is something that is a big consideration and part of my life. Not foreign, certainly.
And while it didn't quite reach me at the proper level, it did get me thinking in the right direction.
Expansive, I thought.
Expansive is good.
Expansive is ... well, expansive.
Expansiveness is Big, and Joyful, and Me, and Soulful, and Beautiful.
Which leads me to...

Beauty.
Aah, Beauty.
Beauty is good.
Beauty is about appreciating my home.
Beauty is about finding joy in a basket of neatly folded laundry.
Beauty can be easily appreciated in clean carpets, sunshine streaming in, candlelight glow, a pretty picture, and a clean pillow.
Beauty is certainly contained in my life with my children. And looking for it in my everyday moments and interactions with them can only be a very expansive and Good thing. Watching them without judgment or fear, and stopping to appreciate their thoughts or processes - and looking for and appreciating the beauty - it seems very Big.
Bringing, finding, and being beauty in my other relationships can certainly only be a good thing. Concentrating on it with my interactions with my husband... thinking on it and coming from it when having dealings and conversations with loved ones - friends and family - that feels kind and authentic.... it feels beautiful... it feels Right.
Practicing beauty when living the mundane - standing in line at the grocery store. Waving at neighbors. Walking through the neighborhood with the children or our Annabelle. Rinsing dishes. Shining windows. When I ponder these very ordinary tasks, and think upon doing them with Beauty in my heart or intention, (instead of the usual hurry-up-and-get-this-doe-I've-a-million-0ther-things-to-do way I do things), it changes everything. It's almost like joy, but it seems even bigger. Deeper and more encompassing.
It seems liberating. Freeing. it seems like Growth.

Once I started contemplating this beautiful word, I knew it was the one I want and need.
I had a thought for a second that it doesn't obviously speak much about my relationship with the All, or Creating (as did Intention and Still), but I considered that I am not likely to forget God :), and I'm not terribly concerned that I shall forget to create consciously.
And then it occurred to me that it could be that when practicing Beauty, it could be that I find or discover a whole new thrilling possibility - that I have a beautiful relationship and place in the Universe. That would be pretty Big, too, wouldn't it?

And so there you have it.

In Beauty already exists as a category in my sidebar, and I'll not be moving or rearranging those posts, but will simply add to them.

I am so looking forward to this Beingness.
It is my intention to
notice
absorb
reflect
appreciate
seek
find
feel
smell
imitate
exude
and Be.
In beauty.

sacred life sunday: space

sacred space, maybe.

but it wasn't even about the physical space so much today, as about the spiritual space.
the Inside.
the Going Within.
as it happens, i traveled into my delegated Sacred Space (I have a room to call my own)
in a very physical way...
to make rhyme and flow out of a place that has for months been exuding chaos.


(throughout my consciousness... throughout my home.... literally... this room has been a chaotic, messy jumble for quite some time.)

today has been
all about...
clearing
and cleansing...


meditatively.

listening.
Intention.


ego.
good.
God.
peace.
identity.


divinity.
The Source.
reputation.
love.
in.
warm.
beingness.


hatefulness.
energy.


quantum physics.
choosing what sort of Universe to live in.
observing.
Create-tion.


Spirit.
Infinity.

Sigh.

did you ever get maudlin...

-even a little-
while tossing into the recycle the infa-feeders, breast pump, and bottles?
hmmm...

(yes, we're done. very, very done.)

it's time.

on your mark

get set

go!

shining light upon Discord

It seems that many things are wacky?.. going awry?.... off?..... discordant! right now.
There's been lots of disharmony with Trev, I'm edgy, I shout just because I can and want to instead of coming from a place of authenticity and peace.
Re-acting instead of Creating.
No good.

I guess I'll start with sharing the problem highlighted by Trev - I'm hoping to come to a definitive place of understanding.
He's an emotional little boy. Period. He comes by it honest - both of his parents are, as well.
In his ...uh, vigor.... he often has melt-downs. Like when he puts on pants over his shoes. Or when he tries to put his shoes on and can't get them on. Or socks. Or like yesterday when he went to the hill next to our house to slide down, he became terribly upset because there's lots of new snow and it wasn't icy anymore, and the slide needed to be "built", if you see what I mean.
In our house we hear lots of wails -sung by him- of "Ooooh, this is The Worst Day, ever!" Sometimes (often!) several times a day.
Now, for a Mama that believes with everything she is in making sure her children are happy, and providing a magical childhood (life base) for said children, these sentiments (shouted and wailed, mind you) are rather discomforting at best, and nerve-grating at worst.

Of course it has peaked right now, as I've paid particular attention to it over the last few months.
I'm wise enough to know that my focusing on it is of course pronouncing it, and that my own outbursts are most certainly contributing to the disharmony.

Yesterday I looked at Eric, and voiced my being at a complete loss.
I know what needs to happen -- he needs to be empowered to handle his emotions.
It occurred to me yesterday (when I could finally calm down enough to break it down even a tiny bit) that I am probably encouraging him to think they're HUGE, because my reaction to his outbursts is rather explosive, as I've gotten to the breaking point myself.
What I mean is - since I'm thinking and feeling "Oh God, HereWeGoAgain, what-am-I-gonna-do? Run! Hide!" I'm encouraging him to feel that his emotions are Too Big to handle, and they'll break him.
Which is of course the direct opposite of what I want him to feel and think.
Ya with me?

Unfortunately, I have these same emotions (though I don't usually freak over my shoes), and was not given any tools or wisdom in How To Deal With Them.
So I'm flailing a bit. Er, a lot.

The good news is that I own a copy of Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves, and also Every Day Blessings: The Inner Work of Mindful Parenting. Thanks Jon and Naomi.

Practicing Mindfulness, especially in a Buddhist way, teaches us that the best way to take care of an emotion is to simply Be with it. To experience it, accept it, and to just let it Be.
When I think of such things being in my Store Consciousness, or simply accept it for What It Is, and not as something I've done to myself because I lack skills or wisdom or a mature, rational mind, I can see my emotions without judgment or shame, and they lose their tremendous power.

So in this I come to the first hint of the answer.
Just let it be.
And as already concluded, I need to stop running from it. I need to be centered enough in those moments that I can come from peace, steadfastness, and wisdom in such moments, instead of running from them.
The next part of it is recognizing that it's temporary.
This was a discovery just yesterday. While I was seething and reeling and flailing about trying to figure out what to do (in a permanent sense) I noticed a few minutes later that he was calm, and peaceful, and happily playing again.
Which took its edge off - as I was able to see that it was not The End Of The World for me, either. A biggy, that. It lost some of its potency in that moment. The whole situation lost some of its power.
So I can suppose from this that I also need to recognize that I not only need to let my own emotions Just Be -and in doing so I am taking care of them- but that I need to allow his emotions to Just Be. Thereby taking better care of him.
I don't freak over his outbursts, I show him that feelings are not the end of the world, and I show him that I can handle his.
Seems right.

I mean, what else is there? I've been trying it different ways for thirty-s0mething years, and I can liken it to trying to get a mountain stream to channel up the mountain, as there is a village up there whom is in need of the water. I can curse it and plow it and scream at it all I want, but the damned river isn't going to travel up. That goes against its very nature.
No more than I can try to get rid of my emotions.

The best and healthiest thing to do is to let them lie, and to center myself in such a way that I don't find them to be overwhelming or shameful.

In this then, is one of the places where I found the need to get Into the Still.

basking

The last few days I've been contemplating gentleness - mostly how to better live it, and Be it.
For me, Gentleness includes lots of delicious things - being intuitive, feminine, being appreciative, being mindful (truly present), walking softly, treating the children with loads of kindness, puttering around the house cleansing it of mental and emotional debris even as I wipe down the fridge.

Yesterday I had a conversation with a close friend regarding abundance and creativity (as in creating one's life). The conversation continued this morning along the lines of gratitude and being appreciative -as in raising the value of life- of the Good Things around us.

Early this morning before the babes were awake I had cleaned a few rooms, and had a minute to sit in my livingroom in utter peace - and to watch the sunlight stream in and set things aglow.
I was appreciative.
I grabbed my laptop, plopped on the couch, and tried my best to capture in a few words my feelings of gratitude for these things - not only for their own sake, but for the sake of honoring the beauty life offers me.

An hour or so later I noticed that my Aunt Kathy had written a new post, "A Charmed Life Indeed". Referencing a short post a couple of days ago that I had written about being appreciative and charmed by little things. She, too, was contemplating things that were bringing comfort, contentment, peace, joy, and ease.

A little while ago as I was fixing my lunch I was pondering what book I wanted to feed my soul with as I ate. Simple Abundance, I thought.
I want to read Simple Abundance.
Remember it, from a hundred years ago?

I've rarely picked it up. Never read the whole thing.
But I wanted it today.

Now lots of folks have their Good Book's. For some it's a bible, for some it's the I Ching, for some it's Tarot cards, or runes, The Tao of Pooh, or the Tao te Ching.
For me, it's all of it. I like to listen for Goodness -Godness- in everything. In whatever I pick up in that moment.

Here, (smiling, now) is what I read today as I opened my book to just any ol' page.

"
January 18
Beauty: Opening Our Eyes to the Beauty That Surrounds Us

While the Simple Abundance path is gentle, its lessons are powerful. First of all, we learn to be grateful no matter what our circumstances may be. In offering gratitude for our real lives, we discover how to change them for the better. As we embrace simplicity, we learn that less is truly more. This freedom encourages us to bring order to our affairs and cultivate harmony in our inner world. Going at our own pace, learning to recognize our limitations, appreciating our progress, we weave the lessons into the fabric of our daily moments until they become a part of us.
Suddenly one day we feel very much alive and desire more beauty in our personal quest. We come to a deep awareness that creating a beautiful life is our highest calling. "It was as if I had worked for years on the wrong side of a tapestry, learning accurately all its lines and figures, yet always missing its color and sheen," the journalist Anna Louise Strong confessed in 1935. We understand her sentiments as life's color and sheen and beauty call to us.
Today, explore ways to see your world differently. Let your eyes drink in the beauty that surrounds you. Walk to a gallery on your lunch hour and meditate upon a beautiful painting, or into your backyard this afternoon to catch that "certain Slant of light" that so enthralled Emily Dickinson. Gaze into the faces of those you love, set the table with care, and relish the preparations you make for dinner, delighting in the presentation of your meal. Light the candles, pour wine or sparkling water in your prettiest goblets, and celebrate this new awareness. It is in the details of life that beauty is revealed, sustained, and nurtured.
Outside, winter's darkness closes in. Inside, you have found your own Light.
"

Isn't life a beautiful, amazing thing?

gratitude

this morning i'm thinking....
cleansing, peacefulness, gentleness, a month of sundays, a walk with the children to gather pods and pinecones and fuzzy dried flowers, clean white counters...

at this moment i am appreciating:

pondering all the joyous or peaceful moments I can create for This Day
blue skies
still trees
a vase of sunflowers glowing in the sunlight streaming through the window
stillness
paper jack o'lanterns glowing orange under the morning's sun
a perfectly tidy and quiet place to sit
Being

The Pop-In

I had a thought about a year ago that I want another (or two) pop-in friend. I have one, Sam. And she's a good one, though I don't see her much. And she never knocks. Just comes in. And she loves me even if my house is in a disastrous state.
I love all of that.

I want more of it.

I love what it means to me.

You love me no matter what, and I'm coming over when I want to.
I love you and wanted to see you, and if you're embarrassed about the state of your house then get over it.
Where's the rag so I can clean this spot off your cupboard?

But it's even more than that.

It implies I always feel welcome.
It implies You are always welcome.
It implies I trust you.
It implies I know you.
It implies I always love you.
It implies I never judge you.
And, beautifully, I know I am never judged by you.


There is something to Just Being Yourself.
Not only because as far as I'm concerned, Who the hell wants to pretend to be something they're not?
But that when you are yourself freely, not to impress or annoy anyone, just Being, then it's certainly a quicker way to form friendships, isn't it?
I mean, if you don't put yourself out there, then how can you be accepted for Who You Are?
Rejection comes sooner too, certainly, but isn't that a benefit, also? Better in the beginning than when you begin to trust someone.

Maybe it's just me.
Maybe others find greater satisfaction in steady, polite, acquaintanceships.
But not me.
I want it all.

I want The Real Thing.

Unschooling Part One: The Natural Law

A friend asked me a couple of weeks ago how we got to certain comfortable positions in unschooling. And then a stranger asked another question - totally unrelated, but still a question of "how?".

While it feels strange to have people ask me - me!- such questions, I do feel that I have a couple of things to offer.
One - access to smart and intuitive Mama's who witness and understand self-directed learning (and whom will hopefully respond with comments and advice);
and Two- I've asked lots of questions of this life myself, and have come to a few conclusions.

I remember writing - God, when was it? Sometime around a couple of years ago, wait, let me do just a tiny bit of research so that I can get it exactly right, admittedly my sense of time is terribly unreliable rather extraordinary.....it was Feb of 2006.... a post to local unschoolers about "radical unschooling seems to be something of an oxymoron, is it implies there are rules to "not going by the rules".

Since then we- dh, the babes, and I- have had a hell-of-a-lot-of, stomach-full, heart-full, and head-full of learning and growing.

Sometimes, amazingly, it just turns natural.
Really, it does.

shrug.
I'm not entirely certain how to explain it.
something to do with...

family dynamic.
the individuals.
the unit as a whole.

What I mean tastes something like

"I want icecream." at 9:15am. (something Maddie would say.)
"Uh... are you hungry? D'you want pancakes? Sausage? Eggs? Cereal? Cantaloupe?"
"Nope. I want icecream."
"Alright, then. One bowl of icecream coming up."

That's what it looks like to me.

It's honoring every one's needs.
It's honoring her hunger, as well as her need for nutrition by offering healthy and filling foods that she loves.
It's honoring my need to feel I'm a good Mama by offering her cantaloupe and scrambled eggs for breakfast.
It's offering my Self to help her get what she needs. (Which is what all Mama's do.)

If Eric were to enter this particular scene, if it were played out with him rather than with me, it would be imperative to honor his needs.
He might have been witness to Too Much Popsicle Eating the day before.
He might have cooked a dinner last night (a meal on which we all agreed) that no one even touched, or thanked him for preparing.
He might be feeling that he has no control over his life in that moment.
Icecream for breakfast might irritate the hell out of him.

The beauty of time and life passing by is that eventually we come to a place of Wisdom.
More expeditiously, certainly, if we pay attention.
If we are Mindful.

Just by being and living we come to know our selves and each other better.
Just by living our lives with certain intentions we grow, and become more comfortable with certain ideas. Decide our ideals.
Just by honoring our selves, our spouses, and our children we become more aware of our needs and our reactions, and the reasons for them.

Life -and family life- just happens naturally.

Of course there are moments - sometimes days, and sometimes even weeks!- when we don't handle things as graciously as we'd like.
Sometimes I dislike myself immensely for reacting a certain way, or feel embarrassed for functioning on reactionary auto-pilot for long stretches.

And then I'm reminded that life, hearts, and heads just flow.
Not that life happens to us (without our having anything to do with it), I don't mean, but that It Is What It Is.
I think we can erase a great deal (and make remarkable steps into the future) just by doing what my friend Julie does - "Hey. I handled that badly. What I could have done is....."
(My own approach to this wisdom would also have to include verbalizing my feelings about the situation at the time, and then "I handled it poorly, what I should could have done is....")

Living in a home where everyone is honored, everyone feels just as important, everyone is free to have an opinion, and everyone feels safe to express themselves just makes it happen.
That doesn't mean that everyone always speaks with a reverent tone.
It means that questions - by and of every individual - are all part of the family relationship.
"Why do you feel that way?"
"Do you need something from me?"
"Can you stop doing that?, it's driving me mad."
"Can I have a turn first?"
"I feel you're being unfair!"

Sometimes it comes from the youngest. Sometimes the oldest child. Sometimes it comes from those who sometimes fancy themselves as grown-ups. Great age doesn't mean there are less mistakes made, certainly.

So we've come a long way on this particular path.
In the beginning I read on all the ru lists.
I tried to follow the do's and don't's.
But eventually living life with intention and love moves us toward deeper inquiries and further introspection - leading us to greater understanding of our selves and each other.
I think you come to a certain place in time -- in, of, and with Wisdom, and with care and thought, that it just happens naturally.

It just does.

pond part ii

note: read at your own risk, post is quite scattered and illiterate!....

oh how i wish i had a camera, friends.
can you believe that i dropped it yesterday at the waterpark?
oh yes i did!
dunked it full under for a whole second - three quarters?- or so.
we'll see what comes of it.... it's drying out under a lamp....

dig pond?
done.
carpets down (for padding against any missed rocks or tree roots?)
done!
edging?
no.
to dh...."are you ready to take us on an adventure?" (as digging out a pond requires a cold beer to my mind, and i have taken that liberty, and will not drive....)
"what sort of adventure?"
"to look for rocks, and to home depot for that $10 giant palm tree...."
which will be housed inside in winter, to help cleanse our air during the inversion, of course. seriously - i get mega headaches from pollution during wintertime.....

Mama Spot? (read: humble meditation throne)
Under Construction, still.
let's see....

claw and scrape and dirt-up-to-my-shoulders-quite-literally, covered in it (as is little laptop),
aaaaah!
so satisfied.
there is something quite marvelous and magical to be said for quit literally carving your place out of damp and soft, friendly soil.....

Spot, then?
done!

now we just need the bordering stones.....
"Ready, Babe? It's gonna be dark, soon....."

today

for today

i shall lie here with my skin touching the earth,


arms spread wide,

eyes closed for this moment

and opened in the next

depending on whom above me

is calling.


and I shall

just breathe.


and today I shall dance.


and I shall laugh.

and I shall love.


and discover again


how it feels to be enchanted.



today I find my breath

and live.

operation: sparkle (or) Sacred Life Monday

As I was hanging up laundry on the line, I noticed this.Which made me think of this.

It caused me to be present enough to realize that while life with the babes right now is super sparkly and fun, an important part of me has been ignored - abandoned.
It's been run over with all the noise. Yada yada.

I'm not creating out of thin air.
I'm not living mindfully and intentionally.
I'm not smiling to myself over synchronistic or serendipitous happenings.
I'm not hearing the song on the wind, or even the whisperings of my own soul.
I've been living my life on auto-pilot.

Which means there's no magic.

I've missed the true joys that can only come from a spirit knowing itself and creating.
I'm so glad I've remembered my Self.

Next!

I'm not sure what I want to say.
Something interesting happened earlier today.
I've found myself over and over again in this funk the last few days.
Irritable, impatient, offended.
Yesterday I considered that some of it might be that I feel powerless.
Today I had the thought that more specifically, it's "time is a-wastin'."
I called Trev in from the front yard to get on his shoes for our adventure (for the second or third time), and Annabelle, and they mosied around, looking around, stopping to smell the daisies along the way to coming inside the house, and I somehow nailed it, and voiced "My life is wasting away, Trev." I meant it as an exaggerated complaint of his slow motion meandering, but then I realized that's what I was feeling. And in much of my life, lately.

There is so much to do, and so little time in which to do it. (You know, with the always perfectly tidy and clean house thing, and learning to walk on water.)

That's the mindset that I need to change.

I need to step out of the tumultuous "do or die", "now or never", these thousand things must all be done Right This Minute mindset from which I've been reacting. And reacting is exactly what I've been doing.

It's partly the laundry, partly the dishes, partly the stack of mail (emails and blogs as well as paper), but I'm drowning in (once again!) being consumed with arriving at the end, and not enjoying the journey.
Which pisses me off because I know better.

I'm attached, I've been living for another (more peaceful?) moment, and not finding what I need in this one.
And I think that's it. (When I saw it I recognized it.)
I'm living solely for another (different) peaceful moment.
Maybe that one will give it to me, 'cause it ain't in this one.

When I was stumbling around in my head today (when we were getting ready to walk to the library, after I said that to Trev) kicking things and turning over stones, waving away the cobwebs, and trying to air the dusty and dark place out, I had the thought "You need to walk."
"You need to meditate every day, and you need to practice walking meditations, again."

I remembered something I wrote here a little while back, something that might give me a clue on how to do that -fix my head-, and I searched back until I found it.
"You can't get there, you can only be there."

Everyone ready? Let's go to the library....

(this is a conversation I had with my Self, in case you're new to my ways. Er - head.)
Okay. I need help.
Alright, what do you need?
I don't like this place.
I don't blame you. I wouldn't like it, either.
What do I do?
You know what to do.
Change my mind.
Yes. Just change your mind.
Alright. Here I go. Without tools. Without fanfare. Without any sort of ritual or symbolic cleansing.... I'm done with it.
So be it.

And there it went. There it went, Friends. Just like that.

Inside the library there were two Episodes that might have gone quite differently.

One, Trev was over in the adult section looking for non-fiction dinosaur books (non-fiction adult and juniors are mixed together) and I was on the next aisle.
"Could you move, and move those books, please, so that you're not blocking the aisle?" I hear in a somewhat snooty voice.
I went over and saw Trev a bit frustrated, and he said "Rrrr, I hate it when people boss me around!"
"I know, Bud. But people need to get by. Let's move these over here. Here, Squirt, move over to this side, so no one trips."
Not an alarming occurrence, certainly. But I had no feelings about it. I wasn't embarrassed. I wasn't irritated with Trev for growling at the librarian. I wasn't bothered or offended by a snooty librarian.

A few minutes later (Lord, he's got it down!) he chose the same librarian's desk to slap out his frustration on her counter. I turned in time to see her blast him with The Look.
I went over.
"Hey, Bub. You alright? What's up?"
"uh..."
"Are your frustrated or angry about something, or do you just have lots of energy to spend?"
"I was just filled with chaos."
"I see. Why don't you go outside, and run on the ramp? I'm just going to finish checking out these books, and then we'll walk home."

Again.
No emotion. No irritation. No grumpiness. It just is what it is, and it's No Big Deal.

It's actually hard to imagine a different scenario now... I mean.... how else could it have possibly turned out? That's the only way it could turn out.
But these last few days... it could have been quite different. Not my words, probably, but my inner turmoil and my emotions. I could have added his actions onto The Pile Of Offenses. I could have started a new one of Hers.
Ridiculous, I know, but that's been my experience, lately.


And now for even more delicious Goodness.... the books I found today are How to Expand Love: Widening the Circle of Loving Relationships, and How To See Yourself As You Really Are. Both by His Holiness, the Dalai Lama.

Blessings to you, Friends.
And to Me.

in this quiet place

Last night and again this morning while lying in bed I was thinking about the last week - particularly, in regards to walking, being present, and meditation.

It is so incredible the changes that have come to be.

I spoke a few days ago of getting mad (irritated) three times that day and being able to step outside of it, almost as it was happening, with only a slight delay. (Like I was stepping outside myself and the situation.)

I've grumped about something three times since then. Not shouted, mind you, not pissed, not angry, just slightly-to-medium annoyed. Three times since then. That was.... a week ago. Last Monday. I've gotten slightly annoyed three times in the last week. !
One was three or four days ago, and I don't remember even what it was.
One was I think Friday night when Eric got home after work (he works nights on Friday) and Trev was still up and I was sleeping on the couch and they were talking, and woke me up, and then Trev whispered in this loud stage whisper, and I was further annoyed, and then I realized (even in my delirium) and said "I'm sorry, Bud, it's not your fault, I know you're trying to be quiet, I'm just grumpy because I want to sleep." A first for me, to be sure. I'm never sane when being woken up.
Then last night Eric woke me up (fell asleep on the couch again), asking if I wanted to wake up and go to bed, and I grumped (I was snipey then, admittedly) at him about a few things.
The funny thing about that is, I noticed even then that instead of it being something that I normally experience, it was so foreign to me. Even as I was grumping at him, I was thinking "What is this? This isn't mine!"

Yesterday when we got back from skiing I was in a bit of a slump, not angry, just didn't feel very good, for some reason.
I just sat for a minute, and breathed, and acknowledged the feelings of not well-being, and then a few minutes later it had passed. Just like that.

All of this is so amazing to me.
It's like I'm the same Me, but I'm -at least half of me- a completely different person.
Like a huge part of me, and who I have always been, has been transformed. Not into something totally different and foreign, but.... I don't know. Better. Lighter. Maybe unattached is a good description. My responses are different. My reactions. It's like their mute. That's it! It's like my reactions (which I have courted and carried my entire life, and are pretty predictable) have been muted. Like someone hits the Pause button.

How can that be?

How is it that meditation, and practicing mindfulness (whenever I remember) -which just means right now to be aware of my breathing and all of my self- can make a such a huge difference in my every day (every moment) life?

Maybe it's other things, too.

Maybe it's that I have intended this, and now I have manifested it.

Maybe it's that I am taking care of myself all the way around. I take fish oil, St John's Wort :), Green Tea capsules (I drink it, but I've started taking it, too), and a vitamin for women.
I've been walking for at least an hour most days. (love love love that.)

A few days ago I got in the mail a book and card package that I had ordered. (Ask and It Is Given are the cards, by Esther and Jerry Hicks.)
One of the cards says

"There is tremendous value when you are able to deliberately cause even the slightest improvement in the way you feel, for even in that small emotional improvement, you may have regained a measure of control. You no longer feel powerless. And so, your trek back up the Emotional Scale is now not only possible, but it is relatively easy."

That's how it began, maybe. With an intent. With deliberation and liberation. With uttering the words two months ago, "I am done with this."
Maybe with those words I caused the initial slightest improvement.

Maybe all that studying and listening and reading has finally sunk in, and I am aligning myself properly (with my thoughts and actions) with what it is that I desire to manifest for myself.

It appears that in this quiet place I am re-creating myself.
How astonishing.
And how lovely.

wandering

I was discussing walking through the neighborhood with Eric this morning, and he said something like "I love walking." And I thought I never have. "I would if we lived in the country...." I said, trying to put my finger on what was different about my enthusiasm for my walks the last couple of mornings.
"You know what it is?" I said, half to him, half to myself, "It's that I'm not walking just to be walking. I'm not walking out of duty, for exercise. I'm walking to practice Mindfulness."
And that's it.
I have an intention.

Part of my road to mastery is learning profound mindfulness, and being able to put things (anger, frustration, intense doubt) aside for a few moments in order to regain mindfulness.
It seems a fitting practice toward achievement of the things I intend to become.

So that's it.
Other things - fitness, feeling like I've made a token commitment to exercise, or to my physical well being - those things are not priorities. Well, not at the top, anyway. Most times other things can serve my body and spirit just as easily - a clean kitchen floor, a tidy desk area for computer play, picked up bedrooms that just beg for a rolicking half hour or so of pretend play, on and on it goes.
But spiritual wellfare? Mastery?

Well, that's different.
That, my friends, tops the list.
Being a good Mama -- which means less stressed, more able to bite off what wants to come out of my mouth in the name of reaction, and more able to laugh and shine - not to mention being an able representative of what my spirit wants for me - that is what it's all about.

I'm not wandering out of drudgery.
I'm walking (and waking) in Mindfulness.
Being aware and intent in every step - literal and mystical - that I take.

blogging without obligation

I'm taking a "blogging without obligation" sabbatical for a few days.
Of course I know I'm never obligated...
But I have a need to soak in without expression (and organizing thoughts and pondering) for a few days, I think. I could change my mind as soon as later tonight, but I don't think so.
House is clean, babes are recovering from snotty noses and coughs, I have a stack of books that I'd like to finish.I'll be found here, lying in the sun.
All is well with us - no worries.
xxoo

ego

When I typed that in, I typed in "dgo". Maybe that would be better. :)

I think I've pretty well got it figured out.
Mostly.

It gets easy to judge whether or not your actions come from ego.

I've had to really pay attention to the things I say, how they come out of my mouth, and really consider where it came from.
Sometimes (typically) the answer has been "because I wanted to demonstrate that I knew better than that."
Aaah, ego, then.
Stupid stuff.
Stuff that doesn't even mean anything - other than to point out to myself that I am better, or wiser, or more aware, or more conscientious, or better informed.
Not that these things (where one is upon his or her path) are insignificant - certainly they are not. What I mean is, I might give my answer or response in a snotty way (if only in my head), feeling that I am above some one or some thing else.
I don't even mean displaying arrogance, for most of the time it just happens in my head.

I'm pretty much astounded how often it happens. That I say or do things from that place.
In everyday stupid situations, even. It's ridiculous.

The trouble I was having in understanding it was that I couldn't separate the individual from the ego. Or dgo.
It seemed to me that without ego, we'd all blend into the same homogenized glob of nothingness.

I've since come to realize (since witnessing my doing and saying things from the point of ego) that there is more to Us than just That.
Since I know that All There Is wants only to express Itself (or Herself or Himself), and to experience All There Is instead of just understanding that It is All There Is, then to have Us be the exact same - sans ego - would be pretty pointless.
I mean - we have to be made of substance other than just ego.
Some of us are very, very serious (time after time, I believe). Some of us like to lead. Some of us love to make people laugh. Some of us find our hearts belong to animals. Or the hills. Or the sky. Or to the stars. Some of us long to dance. Some of us want to paint the streets of Paris, or fields of flowers, or ships on the horizon. Some of us want to be a Peace Pilgrim. Or a nun in Calcutta. Some of us imagine ourselves to be Gentlemen Pirates. Or farmers. Or opera singers.

So I've come to have a little more trust in God, I think. (I had a rather vast amount before, mind you, but somehow I believed that ultimately God wanted to take me away from myself.)
It occurs to me now - even as I sit here - that God (All There Is) has no need to take me away from myself - but that God is perfectly willing to allow me to be Me infinitely, as I am not actually separate, at all, but only in individualized part of All There Is. I am not and cannot be separated from It.
So God is missing nothing.
And God experiences everything.

And now I'm getting quite serious about kicking this ego of mine out of my business, and looking forward to the rewards for living my life even more on purpose.
Which will, of course, involve wondrous things like synchronicity. And manifesting. And greater intuition. And much more peace.
And "discovering that you're a greater person by far, than you even imagined yourself to be."

books books books

I've had a resurgent drowning into books.
I mean - really.
Really really.
(Which probably accounts for my absence from writing.)

Funny - while I really liked Eat, Pray, Love, I didn't think I got all that much out of it.
I mean, Italy was truly lovely. Her painful moments I shared in. Her longing for God I understood thoroughly. Her meeting with her ex-husband up where the sky meets was beautiful to witness.

But - I didn't really learn anything.

Except...
Along with that has come a few emails in my box saying "Marni has requested you as a friend on Good Reads...." and "Julie has joined Good Reads...", and "Aubrey has joined Good Reads..." and "Teri has joined Good Reads...."
and Oh.

Now I have this great consuming need to really get jiggy wid it, and to know God.

Which accounts for my holiday Saturday morning to find some great new om meditation music.
And another trip to the bookstore (Barnes and Noble) on Sunday (I gotta say - it's so great to be an unschooler, and popping out that 20% off Home Educator's card so unabashedly and without blinking an eye when they ask if you have a B&N Savings card.... "Oh, I have my Home Educator's Card...." Never do I feel guilty for this. I sincerely think of my books as my intellecual and spiritual education!)
Alone at the book store.
And - Holy of Holy's- today I get my little package from One Spirit (a super terrific book club that covers everything from Mother Theresa to the Dalai Lama to stones and Wicca and organic gardening and green house cleaning) in the mail - saying "Want anything?"
You bet I do!

So at the moment I'm drowning in books.

Until a few months ago, I've never read leisurely. I'm sort of a "let me just open this up so you can consume me" kind of reader.
And I never knew until this last year that you could read a page other than the Very Next one.

As sort of crazy and scattered as it makes me feel - right this minute I have several books that I have open on my nightstand (thank goodness I finished Eat, Pray, Love), The Mists of Avalon, Conversations With God Book 3, Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves, Everyday Blessings, and something else..... oh yeah... The Power of Intention.

So yeah, I didn't learn anything from Eat, Pray, Love.
Except that I want to learn some mantras.
And that I am determined to have a period of silence.
And that I want to read poems by Rumi.
And that I want to read again Siddartha.
And the Dalai Lama's book Mind in Comfort and Ease.
And studying the Tao de Ching.
And Hafiz.
And works by Carlos Castaneda.
And that I'm looking forward to my luscious pile of spirituality coming in the mail in a week or two.
And being in Peace.
And walking on water.
And knowing God.

Not much at all.

surviving

I've made such a fuss about pmsing and my emotions that I thought I'd update.
The thing is - I know that there is away to fix it. I know that I can heal (or balance) any crazy fluctuations... I'm just not sure how.
And, of course, part of the problem is that when I'm in a serious bout of it, sometimes I don't even care. It's all I can do to just survive the moment. I think the first step is to change that, then maybe I can move on to "I choose peace instead of this," as I mentioned before.

Today was wonderful!
Though I have not spent any time at all with my Valentine - well my main one, anyway.
The babes and I headed out early to meet friends, and Eric scooted off to work shortly after that. He won't be home 'til probably long after we're tucked in and nestled like spoons.

But, we did get to pass the day with friends -The Mama's with additions, and it was a lovely afternoon.
No stress, no panicking.
I spent quite a bit of time downstairs this morning before we left, first blending some oils together that I thought would be helpful in less than tranquil moments, and then an uninterrupted and loooong meditation.

Now I'm here (with quiet music on my ipod), Maddie is sleeping peacefully, and Trev is watching a movie and giggling. (I can hear him, I always listen to my stuff quietly.)
The house is quiet except for his laughter, it's still and winter-white outside, so the world without and the world within - indeed, even within myself - are quiet, and peaceful, and still.

I welcome it, and am thankful.

give peace a chance

I wrote a (short) post earlier that questioned the wisdom of fighting terror with the terror of war. It seems crazy to me that we would terrorize hundreds of thousands of people in hopes of putting a stop to someone that we see as a terrorizing dictator. It seems to me that peace is the only solution to this hatred and related violence.

I changed my mind about sending it.
I don't want to write anti-war posts. I want to write for peace.
I don't want to fight terrorism (even the terrorism inflicted by my own government). I want to embrace (if only in my mind) the souls that are lost in that destruction and chaos.
It is not my wish to fight anything - even darkness.

Have you ever considered that bringing something of higher energy to something vibrating at a low level frequency not only nullifies low energy, but also converts it to higher energy? An interesting thought. Just as bringing light into darkness banishes the darkness.

***
This post has been sitting in my drafts for a day or so.
Since then I have read a similar post by my friend Sheri.
And now, today, I have stumbled (how very lovely and synchronistic) upon two cool movements that I had no idea existed - one is the United States Peace Government, and the other is Shift In Action - which is all about quantum physics, meditation, world peace, and consciousness.
Imagine that.

Things are looking up.