Sunday, January 27, 2008

focusing indeed

I don't imagine that anyone will be interested in this one ('cept maybe my sister Kim). Well, really I don't imagine that anyone would be interested in most things written here, as they are mostly just tales of one girl's search for truth and enlightenment.
But folks come 'round, amazingly enough.

This one is for me. Read on as you will.
***

Where to begin?
I've been angry for a while now. Well - a long while really, perhaps for over thirty years now.
There are lots of little reasons, or maybe there's no good reason.
But lately I've been especially angry for a week or two - brought on by a thoughtless comment made to my child. Said by my mother. (It wasn't even the words themselves, though certainly rude, it was the reopening of old wounds that was so poisonous to me.)
It is not my intent to vent and rail and blame.
Thankfully, I have a family upstairs who loves me enough to let me cry and scream and pound my chest and sob and hiccup and wail. And I have done all of these things today.

And since I have done so, now, in this new Today I am choosing a different path.
One that is not associated with childhood hurts and anger and resentment and embarrassment and shame.
Today I am cutting myself off from that past.
Not from the relationship with my mother - nothing so drastic. But from the pain and the shame. I am done with it.

I have considered a number of options this last week.
Meetings face to face where I shout and blame and rail and point the finger and scream and say "How dare you?!?" defiantly, or "How could you?!?" in a softer moment.
Writing letters that are full of every hurtful thing and word and embarrassing moment and shameful incident and bruise and violent attack. Full of railings and name calling and anger.
I have also considered a healing ritual.

The first I have tried - though with much diplomacy - it was not a success, and I just ended up with another heap of resentment when it was over.
The second would just take too damned long, and I am not willing to go through it all (again) and cramp my hands and break pencil leads and run out of ink while indulging in violent thoughts so that I can feel guilty later for writing things that I do not really mean.

As it turns out, the end has found its own way, and I need not wonder any longer.

Today the wounds were laid bare, and the blood and poison were there for all to see. I don't think they understood it. Certainly my loves were at first frightened by it. But after soft words and cuddles and solid reconnection, the children recovered right quickly.
I think dh was still left in a daze, and wondering if he had married a madwoman.
Eventually I went to him, and laid myself across him on the couch, and told him the whole sorry tale. I even sobbed to him the most horrid part of all - the shame I feel for reacting as I do, and so angrily, when in my heart all I want is to authentically and truly represent Who I Am. Bless him, he understands me well, and loves me truly.

And I told him "I am done with it."
I pray I am done.
I want no part of this anger to grow in my mind or body or spirit. I will not have these feelings creating dis-ease in my body or heart or spirit. I will not be caged by these things - in my mind, my body, or my spirit.
I Am Done.

As lovely it is to imagine that I forever shall be rid of these toxins, and as much as I feel liberated from them I don't imagine that I shall forever more be free of anger.
I am still not perfect.
There are lots of other parts of me - I am an emotional creature through and through.

But the poison - venomous and toxic and deadly - no longer has a place within me.

Hereafter I embrace challenges and failures and questions with the best of me - with things that I claim and embrace and carry gladly on my quest for Truth.

I drew a Rune today - a Healing Rune - I usually use the gray ones, but not today - I drew Hagals, which in HR's is Anger.
I drew Anger. !
The challenge for you in drawing the Rune of Anger is to take Anger's powerful energy and treat it as an ally in your healing a wake-up call for change.
This Rune announces that the moment has come for you to let go of Anger. Know that in doing so you must give up the old and be willing to wait patiently for the new to be revealed to you in its proper time.
...
Anger at injustice can be a liberating and powerful force for change. Healthy anger, appropriate Anger can free you to break old patterns or helplessness. Anger is a force that can provide you with the energy to change.
There is a blessing for you in receiving this Rune, a new way of looking at life, a new way of responding to conflict. When you are able to take that new perspective out into the world, surely then you can call Anger your teacher and your friend.

And so it goes.
I am liberated.
I am free from it.
It is over.
I am done with it.

10 comments:

whimsigal said...

Friend, I'm so sorry to hear that you have had these bad feelings taking harbor in you. Festering. You're such a wonderful, sweet, magickal person and it hurts to hear that you have been experiencing this kind of torment. It's wonderful that you have been able to work your way through it though and that you have such an amazing companion in Eric. I envisioned the bad feelings leaving you when I read the words, "Im done with it", like smoke rising from an extinguished flame. I'm so glad for you that you found a way through your own power and strength to get through what was obviously a very rough time and I'm sending you all the love and positivity I can spare!

xxoo
evie

Mama Podkayne said...

Ah, I understand. Mine's been swelling up in me for 30 years as well only to be let loose on friends and friendships that perhaps did not need such burden.

Here's to wonderful husbands.

I hope you have a better week.

Stephanie S. said...

Thanks so much, Evie.
It's one of those things that you recognize, but then Finally it starts to make serious demands, (as apparently it has been gathering momentum all along) and comes into its full power and insists on capitulation.
And what can you do but say "bring it on, I'm ready."
Apparently, I was. (Ready.)

I'm just relieved that it's over!
And that I have the conviction to say "not again."
:)

Thanks so much for your support, Friend, it means the world to me.
xxxooo

Stephanie S. said...

MP -
Ha! I let loose myself earlier this week upon friends! (not the full force, just a hint of what was to come...)
We'll see if I have burdened them too greatly....
It has no choice but to work itself out... it needs to be released, surely.
I am so looking forward to the next few days without it!
Even if it tries to show itself, I am refusing to acknowledge its existence!
:)
xxoo

Aubrey said...

steph,

i love you.
you inspire me.

may you feel peace,

aubrey

Life With Us said...

I think we are all interested in what you write. Even though it may not have happened exactly the same to us, things like this do happen to everyone and your sharing your healing process helps a great deal. Thank you for sharing your insights into your life.
Danette

Stephanie S. said...

Aub - love you too.
I am soooo much better! :)
Thanks

Danette-
It was a pretty violent storm, but maybe it needed all of that power to be fully released.
I don't know.
I think sharing pain is good - it helps us to not feel disconnected when we're suffering, if we know someone else has been through something similar.
Thanks for the kind words.
Steph

piscesgrrl said...

You are done with it - YAY! I think you're on to something... as I read this, the words, "I am not willing to allow this in my life anymore" came to me. As you said, trying to confront it may not work. But you can draw a line in the sand. In your emotional sand.

Know you don't stand alone, grrlfriend...

I'm here. With my best "bring it" grrrl-mojo on.

Lerend Zonder School said...

I'm glad you found a peaceful solution to your anger & resentment. For what other solution could there be in the quest for peace & nonviolence? I think most of us carry emotional baggage from our childhoods and that is what drives us to do different and to be different with the little souls that are here with us on our journey now.

The world we grew up in seems like another life sometimes, until all of a sudden we are in a stressfull moment with our loved ones and those emotions and hurt feelings come flooding back, making it seem like only yesterday.

I think acknowledging what happened to us when we were children and trying to understand why or how someone that claimed to love us would treat us as they did, is important for our growth and the setting in motion where we want to be as parents. For me personally acknowledging and knowing full well in my heart that I can't change another person, or even come close to having them see/feel what I see/feel was paramount to me moving past it.

I can only change myself.

Peace be with you:)

Kim said...

I almost missed this post.
I haven't been on long enough to read my favorite blogs because my computer totally died. (We bought that one six years ago for $75.00, not bad, huh?) Anyway, that means that I have to use the kids computer and it is slow and often occupied by one of the owners.
I'll be getting a new one next month but in the meantime, postings will be sparse.
About the post....
I have much to say, so don't post this if you don't want to.
We all have to find our own way of healing from wounds. I have found great power in the atonement of Jesus Christ and know that He understands my pain and suffering. I am still "getting over" many things but often feel "better" when I respond differently to my kids in a similar situation where I was abused? Does that make sense? Foe example....when my kids scream and hollar (this only bothers me once a month, too) and I feel like sending them all to their rooms or sabatoging (sp?) their play.....(which our Mom did ALL the time)...I say to myself...."Let them be kids, this will end soon...tune it out" and then I feel release like "YES, there is another way, I don't have to be my Mom. THEY are not me and I am not MY Mom. Her way was not the only way." When I do it differently, it's like I am repairing the "Bad Mom" (which sometimes I feel like she tried to turn me into and I like to defy her)in me. And this is huge for me. It's happened thousands of times since I have become a Mommy to these great little people. And like some of the other comments have said, sometimes I do it THIS way just because she did it THAT way and I don't want to be like her. But sometimes I just wish I had some great examples of a mother in my own Mother.
I thank the Lord for many wonderful, loving, compassionate, brave, patient, understanding, insightful, steady, smart women who have shown me a better way! I could not do it without those shining examples.
I know that I did have it rough, but the Lord has provided a way for me to break the cycle by puting these beautiful people in my path.
I love you, Steph!!
KKS