I don't imagine that anyone will be interested in this one ('cept maybe my sister Kim). Well, really I don't imagine that anyone would be interested in most things written here, as they are mostly just tales of one girl's search for truth and enlightenment.
But folks come 'round, amazingly enough.
This one is for me. Read on as you will.
Where to begin?
I've been angry for a while now. Well - a long while really, perhaps for over thirty years now.
There are lots of little reasons, or maybe there's no good reason.
But lately I've been especially angry for a week or two - brought on by a thoughtless comment made to my child. Said by my mother. (It wasn't even the words themselves, though certainly rude, it was the reopening of old wounds that was so poisonous to me.)
It is not my intent to vent and rail and blame.
Thankfully, I have a family upstairs who loves me enough to let me cry and scream and pound my chest and sob and hiccup and wail. And I have done all of these things today.
And since I have done so, now, in this new Today I am choosing a different path.
One that is not associated with childhood hurts and anger and resentment and embarrassment and shame.
Today I am cutting myself off from that past.
Not from the relationship with my mother - nothing so drastic. But from the pain and the shame. I am done with it.
I have considered a number of options this last week.
Meetings face to face where I shout and blame and rail and point the finger and scream and say "How dare you?!?" defiantly, or "How could you?!?" in a softer moment.
Writing letters that are full of every hurtful thing and word and embarrassing moment and shameful incident and bruise and violent attack. Full of railings and name calling and anger.
I have also considered a healing ritual.
The first I have tried - though with much diplomacy - it was not a success, and I just ended up with another heap of resentment when it was over.
The second would just take too damned long, and I am not willing to go through it all (again) and cramp my hands and break pencil leads and run out of ink while indulging in violent thoughts so that I can feel guilty later for writing things that I do not really mean.
As it turns out, the end has found its own way, and I need not wonder any longer.
Today the wounds were laid bare, and the blood and poison were there for all to see. I don't think they understood it. Certainly my loves were at first frightened by it. But after soft words and cuddles and solid reconnection, the children recovered right quickly.
I think dh was still left in a daze, and wondering if he had married a madwoman.
Eventually I went to him, and laid myself across him on the couch, and told him the whole sorry tale. I even sobbed to him the most horrid part of all - the shame I feel for reacting as I do, and so angrily, when in my heart all I want is to authentically and truly represent Who I Am. Bless him, he understands me well, and loves me truly.
And I told him "I am done with it."
I pray I am done.
I want no part of this anger to grow in my mind or body or spirit. I will not have these feelings creating dis-ease in my body or heart or spirit. I will not be caged by these things - in my mind, my body, or my spirit.
I Am Done.
As lovely it is to imagine that I forever shall be rid of these toxins, and as much as I feel liberated from them I don't imagine that I shall forever more be free of anger.
I am still not perfect.
There are lots of other parts of me - I am an emotional creature through and through.
But the poison - venomous and toxic and deadly - no longer has a place within me.
Hereafter I embrace challenges and failures and questions with the best of me - with things that I claim and embrace and carry gladly on my quest for Truth.
I drew a Rune today - a Healing Rune - I usually use the gray ones, but not today - I drew Hagals, which in HR's is Anger.
I drew Anger. !
The challenge for you in drawing the Rune of Anger is to take Anger's powerful energy and treat it as an ally in your healing a wake-up call for change.
This Rune announces that the moment has come for you to let go of Anger. Know that in doing so you must give up the old and be willing to wait patiently for the new to be revealed to you in its proper time.
Anger at injustice can be a liberating and powerful force for change. Healthy anger, appropriate Anger can free you to break old patterns or helplessness. Anger is a force that can provide you with the energy to change.
There is a blessing for you in receiving this Rune, a new way of looking at life, a new way of responding to conflict. When you are able to take that new perspective out into the world, surely then you can call Anger your teacher and your friend.
And so it goes.
I am liberated.
I am free from it.
It is over.
I am done with it.