a thousand days of happiness

When I was in my twenties (long before I had babies), and Eric and I were working to survive, as so many young couples are wont to do, I was asked quite often what I wanted to do or be -- presumably when I grew up.

My answer was always the same - and so, so heart-felt.

"I want to chase frogs in the creek with my son.
"I want to take art classes on Wednesday nights.
"I want to sit on the porch sipping lemonade while watching my lace curtains blowing in the breeze."

I am sure to a very many people, there is much lacking in such dreams!

But the funny thing is that those very things so define my life.

I play with my babies. 
I explore and create and express my Self in a thousand different ways.
I sit in bliss while gazing and dreaming.

It sounds so simple - and maybe it is.  I cannot imagine any life being more fulfilling or happy or rich than this beautiful one of mine.

And so.
This post begins a month of gratitude.
And beauty.
And happiness.

Because I am so very grateful.

New Year's Revolution

Mmmmm, [she sighs in deliciousness, as she is very happy with this year's word] my third year for a one-word resolution.


In 2007, my word for 2008 was Intention.
A powerful word. A constant reminder to be conscious of all workings and thoughts. A steady awareness of what I was creating. A helpful and worthy course, certainly.

This last year my chosen (felt) word was Still.
Again, an intrinsic word... something that came from deep inside. Being in the Still meant coming from the stillness, the authentic center... not only coming from, but being aware of what Spirit seeks and being willing to go to and come from that place as often as possible.
Serving and Being and Doing the most valuable parts of my Self.

Interestingly, as I ponder my word today, I think about how similar and serious those two words are.

Last night we celebrated with friends. And it was a very, very fine celebration. At dark we packed up the children and soups and thermoses of hot chocolate (and beer and whiskey to keep the chill off the Mama's and Daddy's :) ) and sleds and hats and extra mittens and we headed to our -collective- neighborhood park for some nighttime snow play.
We had shouts and tossing snow and a lovely, bright, terrifically warm fire. What a fine time we had! A perfect way to do it, we all decided, I think.

My girlfriend Aubrey had mentioned that she wanted to burn some things that she wanted to rid herself of before she greeted 2010.
So I tossed in a notepad and a pen into the bag of mittens.

As we sat around the fire, and talked - as we often do - and Aubrey started shedding her Unwanteds, I considered the things I wanted to be free of. It didn't feel True to start listing things that I consider obvious or what I might even call trite (anger, debt, extra pounds, etc.) so I considered what I truly wanted to be free from.

Doubt.
Doubt. I want to be free from doubt. I know the rules. I have the tools and information to create for myself all of the things that I desire and require. Truly, I only need to practice more "thinking from the end", as I said last night to my friends, and letting in the Knowing.

So, following this most satisfactory observation, last night, I of course considered that my word should or could have something to do with this conviction or knowing.
Of course, when pondering things you long to Create in you life, 'tis always best to focus on something you're for, as to opposed, as natural laws show us that Creating is always about what your focus is - so you'd better make sure you're focused on the good stuff, if that's what you desire to create.

So. Trust?
I did consider it. The problem was that though Trust seemed pretty fitting (particular to an unschooling Mama) it also seemed a little trite.
I didn't consider it at the time, but now I also see it as following along with the other two serious ones from the last two years. Trust didn't quite do it for me. It would be challenging, and no doubt I would learn something along the way, but it wasn't where I want to go.

I considered Joy.
Joy was good, because it is something that is a big consideration and part of my life. Not foreign, certainly.
And while it didn't quite reach me at the proper level, it did get me thinking in the right direction.
Expansive, I thought.
Expansive is good.
Expansive is ... well, expansive.
Expansiveness is Big, and Joyful, and Me, and Soulful, and Beautiful.
Which leads me to...

Beauty.
Aah, Beauty.
Beauty is good.
Beauty is about appreciating my home.
Beauty is about finding joy in a basket of neatly folded laundry.
Beauty can be easily appreciated in clean carpets, sunshine streaming in, candlelight glow, a pretty picture, and a clean pillow.
Beauty is certainly contained in my life with my children. And looking for it in my everyday moments and interactions with them can only be a very expansive and Good thing. Watching them without judgment or fear, and stopping to appreciate their thoughts or processes - and looking for and appreciating the beauty - it seems very Big.
Bringing, finding, and being beauty in my other relationships can certainly only be a good thing. Concentrating on it with my interactions with my husband... thinking on it and coming from it when having dealings and conversations with loved ones - friends and family - that feels kind and authentic.... it feels beautiful... it feels Right.
Practicing beauty when living the mundane - standing in line at the grocery store. Waving at neighbors. Walking through the neighborhood with the children or our Annabelle. Rinsing dishes. Shining windows. When I ponder these very ordinary tasks, and think upon doing them with Beauty in my heart or intention, (instead of the usual hurry-up-and-get-this-doe-I've-a-million-0ther-things-to-do way I do things), it changes everything. It's almost like joy, but it seems even bigger. Deeper and more encompassing.
It seems liberating. Freeing. it seems like Growth.

Once I started contemplating this beautiful word, I knew it was the one I want and need.
I had a thought for a second that it doesn't obviously speak much about my relationship with the All, or Creating (as did Intention and Still), but I considered that I am not likely to forget God :), and I'm not terribly concerned that I shall forget to create consciously.
And then it occurred to me that it could be that when practicing Beauty, it could be that I find or discover a whole new thrilling possibility - that I have a beautiful relationship and place in the Universe. That would be pretty Big, too, wouldn't it?

And so there you have it.

In Beauty already exists as a category in my sidebar, and I'll not be moving or rearranging those posts, but will simply add to them.

I am so looking forward to this Beingness.
It is my intention to
notice
absorb
reflect
appreciate
seek
find
feel
smell
imitate
exude
and Be.
In beauty.

the book

My father in law (Bill... I have two) gave me a book for Christmas.


It's called The Gardener's Journal - An Old-Fashioned Keepbook.

And it is as romantic as the name implies.

It's a garden journal with Victorian quotes and pictures.
It has pages for Our Garden History, winter, spring, summer and fall notes, and beautifully decorated graphing squares - pages and pages of them.

I can't tell you how much I love this book.

Yesterday I knew though it was cold outside, I wanted to work on the Butterfly/Faery Garden.

So I grabbed my garden books - some mundane, and some magickal - and a glass of tea and sat in the sun with my journal.

How lovely it was!
I contemplated what needed to be moved from and into the faery garden, watched the birds flit about, noted the greening of the grass, watched my daughter play.

I made my first entry into that journal.

And because of it - working in the faery garden - I was nose to earth.
I found yarrow plants that were no more than an inch wide. I discovered lemon balm (lemon balm is coming up everywhere, now... but I don't mind, it's one of my Favorite Things). I found echinacea that just needed to be dusted off a bit in order to be seen - so tiny also, was it.

I took out some of the over-grown peppermint, and moved it to where it'd be welcome and happy - to the rose garden. Right where the mint needed to go (as there is no catnip there, and this particular rose is often plaqued with aphids) I found clover in that exact spot. Clover was on my list of new things to bring in for the butterflies. Imagine that.

So the rocks are lying to the north where they belong -resituated, standing tall with the yarrow.
Rocks to shelter the butterflies, to encourage them to rest in the sun, and for the fey to play their games of hide-and-seek.
To the west are the shasta daisies, betony (lamb's ear) and a large abilone shell that soon shall hold water, inviting the butterflies and fairies to splash as they will.
To the south is a bit of tall red-hot poker and cinquefoil, and the toad-stool Inn. To the east grows the peppermint, echinacea, lemon balm, and clover.

It the center of the garden is part of an old tree stump. It's been the center of this small garden for a few years. On it sits a fading faery with a skirt full of birdseed.

The garden is finished. At least for now.

And upon my pages are sketches of Who Lives Where, and notes and notes of what makes the fey and butterflies smile.

It's a fine beginning.

a red and white winter's morn

light

today i got to play a little in the Light.
and it was enough.

a thousand things

i had a thousand things to do today


i chose slow and easy instead.


namely, puttering around my beloved pond.


...my sacred space.

today

for today

i shall lie here with my skin touching the earth,


arms spread wide,

eyes closed for this moment

and opened in the next

depending on whom above me

is calling.


and I shall

just breathe.


and today I shall dance.


and I shall laugh.

and I shall love.


and discover again


how it feels to be enchanted.



today I find my breath

and live.

outside

Aside from my Little Son being sick :( I am so very happy today.
P. Allen Smith greeted me this morning, and now I'm watching its proceeding show.
I am so eager to work in my front yard, today!!

I think I am taking out the four rose bushes at the front fence (I don't particularly like them, and they take all the sun in the front, and I have like 18 or so rosebushes in the back) and I believe we are putting in a dwarf fruit tree in front (either peach, cherry, or apple - something we'll eat) and we are placing a blackberry (or two) bush in the front, along with raspberry transplants.

Since we're planning to grow food in our front yard and plan to grow them quite thick for privacy (we're very tired of our neighbors minding our business) we'll put in lots of beauties, too, to keep it appealing.
That's where the tall Shasta's come in, and I think I bought a dozen foxgloves yesterday. I prefer cottage garden style anyway, so mixing tomatoes with cucumbers and daisies and lupine is quite acceptable to me.

Well - think I'll fix my first glass of tea, put on a couple of layers (to be taken off as the day progresses) and get to it.

Have a truly lovely day.

Becoming

It happened that my husband worked dayshift today instead of evening.
So he got home at around 5:30 or so.
Bearing dinner. (One of the perks of being Chef at a place.)

Right after dinner, I thought... Oh, I need a walk.
I know, I know... the usual.

It's so amazing to me how imperative these quiet moments to myself have become.
It's my life's breath.
Quite literally.

I've always taken moments here and there, but let me just tell you - it is not the same.
Sitting down and saying "I need a few minutes, please" is not the same as being Out There (wherever your There is) uninterrupted -- just you and the sky.
As soon as I shut that front door behind me it all changes.

That's why it has become so imperative a practice.
The changes come over me automatically and instantly.
I don't even have to exert any effort. (Except the other day when I was trying to "walk it off", and I had that episode with that guy in the car.)
I just automatically fall into breath, and calm, and mindfulness, and a peaceful, blissful place.

I'm not running from anything.
I don't feel the need to escape the children, or my husband.
It's not about that.

It's... coming back into my self.
It must be like playing the violin with your eyes closed and with your soul wide open.
Like getting lost for hours in creating a painting.
Like a devoutest's time spent in deep prayer.

It's amazing how this practicing (oh so earnestly and sincerely) is sustaining me in my ordinary moments. In my everyone-needs-four-things-right-this-second-and-is-not-willing-to-wait-for me-to-get-the-first-one-done moments.
I cannot quite claim that I am constantly walking in bliss and perfect peacefulness -yet, thank-you-very-much, but I feel so very different from the striving, wanting to be different, short-tempered person that I have always previously been.
I am changed.
I've shed that part of me.

Tonight after my walk I asked dh if I could come downstairs for a while (which meant that he'd be on duty with the babes for the next couple of hours).
I brought down my books, notebook, ipod, things I thought I may need.
Left my shoes at the door.

I may even be tempted to grab a musty blanket out of this closet and spend the night with my stack of books and ohming and chanting music.

I'm not in a hurry to leave this place that I have found myself for the last couple of weeks, for I believe that I am building a strong foundation of the Self that I have always wanted to be.

I am Becoming.

a moment in the sun

My world has looked like this for a couple of months now.


I've enjoyed the respite from outdoor chores, and remain hopeful that I'll still have the time and motivation to get winter chores done - things that no one wants to do in the spring, when the sun shines bright and the birds are beguiling us to join the play.


It's been days and days since I've taken a picture.
Today, knowing that we were going to be exploring in the sunshine (it has kindly shown itself to us today) I headed out the front door with my trusted little friend.

I just knew, once I saw the promise of this, emerging determinedly out of the still-frozen ground


that if I looked, I would be able find much, much more.
After all, it only takes a little looking to find the beauty.
And the promise of awakening.

On the frozen ground I walked oh-so-slowly, urged on by my flitting and chirping friends calling "Hooray, Hooray! Over here! Over here!"



After a moment I urged them to be very quiet and still,
for I wanted to listen very carefully
for the violets that I know are lying here
under this frozen blanket
whispering
so, so softly
"we're coming, we're coming."

No matter the other -
I'll be ready.
I, too, am ready to live fully awake.

In beauty

Draw your inner energy from the beauty that surrounds you. When you do so, this energy reception will become a source of strength and sustenance in your life.
As you begin practicing beauty appreciation and seeing it in all things that you encounter, including all people, as you begin to see the fullness of God in everyone instead of something to judge, you'll find a new kind of bliss in your everyday life.


Last night when I heard these words (by Dr. Wayne Dyer, by the way) that I wrote of for Sacred Life Sunday, something happened.
My head and heart shifted to a higher octave.
Sounds strange, I know, but it's true.

While I certainly believe in ordinary life magic, as you know, I had never considered drawing energy consciously from surrounding beauty.

Just the thought of it made me feel lighter - any burdens, my heart, my spirit - all of it.
And it wasn't in a serious and seeking sort of way, either. It was in a light, breezy, frolicky sort of way.

I thought, Huh. To take in the beauty around me - laughter, beauty in my home, my children's silliness, the love my husband shows for all of us - to take that and just absorb in intentionally into myself.
I can only guess that what happens at that point is that everything becomes more joyful. The house is honored for its beauty - and instead of cleaning out of obligation or duty (or even to provide us with a clean place to play and grow), it is cleaned for the sake of beauty and lightness and joy - honoring it for those things.
What a concept.
Loud noises perhaps will come less bothersome. Beautiful pictures will become tools - instead of things not to be noticed.
I can only think too, that the cycle of beauty will perpetuate, don't you think? That absorbing joy and beauty will mean emitting joy, and that means there will be even more beauty to draw upon?

It's an interesting suggestion.
I am looking forward to this day.