there's just so much.

I am reading Eat Pray Love.
Again.

Since I'm (perhaps shamefully) so disconnected from The World's goings on (aside from the few blogs I read and a handful of FB friends), I had no idea that it had become a movie.

Until a couple of nights ago when I logged into hulu to let Dr. Watson and Mr. Holmes charm me into sleep.
It's hard to say whom I have the biggest crush upon, but -today- I suspect it is the good doctor. But nevermind that.

Hulu presents a clip or twenty of Eat, Pray, Love. Starring Julia Roberts.
I watch one.
And then the next.
And then just one more - because I can't get enough.

I knew just where it was upon my shelf. Waiting.

A re-visit, then.

Oh.

Oh.

And,
Aaaaah.

Thank You.

Just that.
Thank You.

gratitude day three: sweetness.

Today I am so, so grateful that my Sunday morning began in the soft and quiet.

I got to just stand around in my backyard - mostly feeling the still, and listening to the birds singing.  I'm certain they were singing extra sweetly just for me.

In my wander I discovered another sweetness - a tiny rolled phlox flower - wound today, but ready to rise and burst tomorrow.

In these things I found comfort in the beauty and the plain living.
In these things were the reminder that Life (being living and love) is enough.
That there is no need to hurry -- to hurry the process.  To hurry the excitement.  To hurry the living.

Life explodes sometimes, it's true, and I wouldn't have it any other way -  I love those days!

But I am so thankful that I am comfortable enough with this life - and this skin - that I also embrace the still, and the soft, and know that there is nothing to fear...
and nothing to be proved.

Certainly, being in Peace is a fine thing for which to be grateful.

moving into

"In the Universe there is an unmeasurable, indescribable force, which those who live of the Source call Intention.
And absolutely everything that exists in the entire cosmos is attached to intent by a connecting link.
Sourcerers (those who live of the source, naguals, people living at the highest levels of energy) are not only concerned with understanding and explaining this connecting link, but they are especially concerned with cleansing it of the numbing effects brought about by the concerns of living at ordinary levels of consciousness."


Carlos Casteneda The Active Side of Infinity

a month of Sundays

Wait.....
..... that's better. Had to get tucked in outside on the patio for this.

The beauty of living a life of freedom and honoring flow is that you can make up a Sunday whenever you wish.
Sunday is my favorite day.
This weekend -especially since we were all about home and hearth- I figured maybe I'd have Sunday to go through my herbs, clean my room, clean house while riding on a hum.... you get the idea. Delicious Sunday sorts of things.
Instead we played checkers and did things like write alphabet letters.

I need a month of Sundays.
[closes eyes and lays head back against chair.]
I need to fall hard and deep into The Still... so deeply that I can find myself in the bottom of the pit covered in muck and bring Me out into the Sunshine.
Bring Me into the light, pull the webs out of my hair, dowse me in fresh well-water to wash away the goo.

I'm out of tune.
My tone is horrid. Probably more like a (dreaded and embarrassing) screech.
I don't feel that we're miles and miles off base, as the children are doing well.
But I feel like every word out of my mouth has a tone of complaint or accusation. Could be because I started the monthly yesterday, and had previously been looking on the last few days prior to the weekend (uh, particularly Wednesday) thinking what the hell is wrong with me? (Day four or five prior is always That Day for me.) Could be that it has my focus. Some of it's just Mama-talk... some of it's because by nature I'm bossy and exacting (I try to change that many days).... some of it's because I really have a hmmph type of personality (often I feel most like Rabbit from Winnie-ther-Pooh, shamefully enough)... but mostly it's because I'm out of Tune.

The good news is that I figure I'm at the "Ahem" stage.
For some background... the way I see things, when Spirit (and I mean the Spirit/God/Universe connection) starts to head off the trail or toward jumping off the cliff (away from what we most want when we're in The Still), you first get a whisper as a Reminder. If you ignore the whisper, you get a tap on the shoulder with an "Ahem.". Upon ignoring that, you get a tug on your hand to hold you back. If you decide to play tug-of-war, and persistently eventually pull yourself free and continue on the same path-- then you get a brick knocking you upside the head. Bricks are never fun. I try to avoid them.

I've written this explanation before, and when I went to look for it (to link it and not repeat it) I came across a post from two years ago about Recalibration.
Yes!
That's exactly what I'm seeking.
Recalibration.
Harmonizing.
Engaging my heart into the flow.

That wondrous place where there is no offense.
Where judgments (of myself) are quieted.
The place where I see myself as strong and loving and smiling.
That beautiful place where I am Intuitive, Creating, Engaged, and Powerful.
This.

This is the Me I want to live my experiences through.
The one I'm ready to dust off and let Shine.

mystery

have I told you of the Great Mystery?

There is a spot a few steps outside my back door, near the rose patio, that is The Sweetest Spot In The Land.

Whenever I walk past this spot while doing my outside chores, I inevitably stop and backtrack back to it, and stop to stand and breathe that air into every part of me.

It's the sweetest of sweet... it's Promises and rebirth and renewal and blossoms and Flora.


Something magical is going on in that spot.

Something like Springtime.

from the Still

I think that sometimes it's way too easy to take ourselves too seriously.
Today I thought of that post I wrote not too long ago that contained the story Rule #6.
Remember? 'Don't take yourself so goddamn seriously.'

It's easy to consider personal evolution and spiritual matters as Very Serious Business.
When we are searching and seeking, it seems that God (or The All, Allah, Krishna, whatever) requires the path or connection to be somber, quiet, and reverent.
I'm not sure why that is.
But I think it's horse shit.

Why do we so often have this idea that an attachment to God (and by attachment, I mean finding that place within us that is expansive, creating, BIG, powerful, and connected with All That Is) at best is a deep, meditative, detached, nothingness - as in prayer, or listening to somber tales of "The Spirit" -in its various religious forms-, or miracles?

God isn't experienced best by getting into a deep Nothingness or detachment, She/He/It is experienced best by feeling Good. Feeling God.
By laughter, and Joy, and jubilance.
By happiness and dancing and merry-making and sharing.

I leave you with words from my Beloved Friend, Hafiz.

Spill the Oil Lamp

Spill the oil lamp!
Set this dry, boring place on fire!

If you have ever
Made wanton love with God,

Then you have ignited the brilliant Light inside
That every person needs.

So--
Spill the oil!

-Hafiz

shining light upon Discord

It seems that many things are wacky?.. going awry?.... off?..... discordant! right now.
There's been lots of disharmony with Trev, I'm edgy, I shout just because I can and want to instead of coming from a place of authenticity and peace.
Re-acting instead of Creating.
No good.

I guess I'll start with sharing the problem highlighted by Trev - I'm hoping to come to a definitive place of understanding.
He's an emotional little boy. Period. He comes by it honest - both of his parents are, as well.
In his ...uh, vigor.... he often has melt-downs. Like when he puts on pants over his shoes. Or when he tries to put his shoes on and can't get them on. Or socks. Or like yesterday when he went to the hill next to our house to slide down, he became terribly upset because there's lots of new snow and it wasn't icy anymore, and the slide needed to be "built", if you see what I mean.
In our house we hear lots of wails -sung by him- of "Ooooh, this is The Worst Day, ever!" Sometimes (often!) several times a day.
Now, for a Mama that believes with everything she is in making sure her children are happy, and providing a magical childhood (life base) for said children, these sentiments (shouted and wailed, mind you) are rather discomforting at best, and nerve-grating at worst.

Of course it has peaked right now, as I've paid particular attention to it over the last few months.
I'm wise enough to know that my focusing on it is of course pronouncing it, and that my own outbursts are most certainly contributing to the disharmony.

Yesterday I looked at Eric, and voiced my being at a complete loss.
I know what needs to happen -- he needs to be empowered to handle his emotions.
It occurred to me yesterday (when I could finally calm down enough to break it down even a tiny bit) that I am probably encouraging him to think they're HUGE, because my reaction to his outbursts is rather explosive, as I've gotten to the breaking point myself.
What I mean is - since I'm thinking and feeling "Oh God, HereWeGoAgain, what-am-I-gonna-do? Run! Hide!" I'm encouraging him to feel that his emotions are Too Big to handle, and they'll break him.
Which is of course the direct opposite of what I want him to feel and think.
Ya with me?

Unfortunately, I have these same emotions (though I don't usually freak over my shoes), and was not given any tools or wisdom in How To Deal With Them.
So I'm flailing a bit. Er, a lot.

The good news is that I own a copy of Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves, and also Every Day Blessings: The Inner Work of Mindful Parenting. Thanks Jon and Naomi.

Practicing Mindfulness, especially in a Buddhist way, teaches us that the best way to take care of an emotion is to simply Be with it. To experience it, accept it, and to just let it Be.
When I think of such things being in my Store Consciousness, or simply accept it for What It Is, and not as something I've done to myself because I lack skills or wisdom or a mature, rational mind, I can see my emotions without judgment or shame, and they lose their tremendous power.

So in this I come to the first hint of the answer.
Just let it be.
And as already concluded, I need to stop running from it. I need to be centered enough in those moments that I can come from peace, steadfastness, and wisdom in such moments, instead of running from them.
The next part of it is recognizing that it's temporary.
This was a discovery just yesterday. While I was seething and reeling and flailing about trying to figure out what to do (in a permanent sense) I noticed a few minutes later that he was calm, and peaceful, and happily playing again.
Which took its edge off - as I was able to see that it was not The End Of The World for me, either. A biggy, that. It lost some of its potency in that moment. The whole situation lost some of its power.
So I can suppose from this that I also need to recognize that I not only need to let my own emotions Just Be -and in doing so I am taking care of them- but that I need to allow his emotions to Just Be. Thereby taking better care of him.
I don't freak over his outbursts, I show him that feelings are not the end of the world, and I show him that I can handle his.
Seems right.

I mean, what else is there? I've been trying it different ways for thirty-s0mething years, and I can liken it to trying to get a mountain stream to channel up the mountain, as there is a village up there whom is in need of the water. I can curse it and plow it and scream at it all I want, but the damned river isn't going to travel up. That goes against its very nature.
No more than I can try to get rid of my emotions.

The best and healthiest thing to do is to let them lie, and to center myself in such a way that I don't find them to be overwhelming or shameful.

In this then, is one of the places where I found the need to get Into the Still.

thoughts for the new year

How happy I am (I do love those serendipitous and synchronistic happenings, you know) that the other day I visited Pam at Idyllic Moments, and she was writing her thoughts about her word for this year's Resolution Revolution.
I'm so glad she reminded me to slow down enough to start thinking on it.
As I was leaving her a comment, I wrote ".....It needs to be something that gets to the heart of all matters for me - like Mindfulness. Or maybe even more fundamental, like Breathe. :) Sounds silly, but true. I'm pondering, still. Ah,.... Still. I might be onto something with that one."

I've known since then that it's my word.
The Word.

I haven't gathered my thoughts enough yet to be able to write on it as succinctly as I'd like, but it's starting to come together in my head, so soon.

In the meantime, I am happy, and pondering - peacefully, joyfully, and calmly- Into the Still.
Blessings to You.