Monday, February 25, 2008


I've spent the last few hours with friends.
First, in the coffee shop (drinking what I thought was herbal iced tea - since then I've decided that it definitely had caffeine in it...) with wonderful conversation.
Then standing outside under the awning talking and talking... in the rain.
Again the rain.
Aaah, the rain.

Came home to a sleeping baby and a son who is watching Magic School Bus, and currently talking about oceanic food chains.

Life is so good.
(We'll just forget about the late night caffeine buzz surprise. Maybe I'll finish three books tonight.)


When I typed that in, I typed in "dgo". Maybe that would be better. :)

I think I've pretty well got it figured out.

It gets easy to judge whether or not your actions come from ego.

I've had to really pay attention to the things I say, how they come out of my mouth, and really consider where it came from.
Sometimes (typically) the answer has been "because I wanted to demonstrate that I knew better than that."
Aaah, ego, then.
Stupid stuff.
Stuff that doesn't even mean anything - other than to point out to myself that I am better, or wiser, or more aware, or more conscientious, or better informed.
Not that these things (where one is upon his or her path) are insignificant - certainly they are not. What I mean is, I might give my answer or response in a snotty way (if only in my head), feeling that I am above some one or some thing else.
I don't even mean displaying arrogance, for most of the time it just happens in my head.

I'm pretty much astounded how often it happens. That I say or do things from that place.
In everyday stupid situations, even. It's ridiculous.

The trouble I was having in understanding it was that I couldn't separate the individual from the ego. Or dgo.
It seemed to me that without ego, we'd all blend into the same homogenized glob of nothingness.

I've since come to realize (since witnessing my doing and saying things from the point of ego) that there is more to Us than just That.
Since I know that All There Is wants only to express Itself (or Herself or Himself), and to experience All There Is instead of just understanding that It is All There Is, then to have Us be the exact same - sans ego - would be pretty pointless.
I mean - we have to be made of substance other than just ego.
Some of us are very, very serious (time after time, I believe). Some of us like to lead. Some of us love to make people laugh. Some of us find our hearts belong to animals. Or the hills. Or the sky. Or to the stars. Some of us long to dance. Some of us want to paint the streets of Paris, or fields of flowers, or ships on the horizon. Some of us want to be a Peace Pilgrim. Or a nun in Calcutta. Some of us imagine ourselves to be Gentlemen Pirates. Or farmers. Or opera singers.

So I've come to have a little more trust in God, I think. (I had a rather vast amount before, mind you, but somehow I believed that ultimately God wanted to take me away from myself.)
It occurs to me now - even as I sit here - that God (All There Is) has no need to take me away from myself - but that God is perfectly willing to allow me to be Me infinitely, as I am not actually separate, at all, but only in individualized part of All There Is. I am not and cannot be separated from It.
So God is missing nothing.
And God experiences everything.

And now I'm getting quite serious about kicking this ego of mine out of my business, and looking forward to the rewards for living my life even more on purpose.
Which will, of course, involve wondrous things like synchronicity. And manifesting. And greater intuition. And much more peace.
And "discovering that you're a greater person by far, than you even imagined yourself to be."

Sacred Life Sunday: Joy

Yesterday was a day of joy.
Not ectsacy, - that oh-so-high, and I never wanna come down feeling, just Joy.
Simple, unattached joy.
It didn't have any conditions, it wasn't sought after, it wasn't planned, it wasn't reached for.
It was just there.

Photo Challenge: Local

Saturday, February 23, 2008

Good Grief (or) The Existentialism of a Resignation

Welp - I did it.
After hemming and hawing for a couple of years, I finally sent my resignation a few minutes ago.
Not quite professional, of course, to send it in an email, but my printer has an old fashioned cord and is hooked up to the dinosaur - which is aggravating and sometimes (sorry HippyD/Dino) incompetent.
So I wrote as professional an email as I could make it, and in peace and with love (and Eric on the phone) - hit "Send".

It was hard to do it. Sort of.

Not in an "I hate confrontations" sort of way, but in an "Is this thumbing my nose at abundance?" sort of way.
Does one have the right to believe in an Abundant Universe as she quits her job?
Does one have the right to dislike complaints of "My Life Sucks" of 55 year olds who would rather report that they're 97?
Is it alright to want to stop being around people who boast of telling their children (all grown now) "I wish I'd never had you!" and "I smacked her face so hard for sassin' me!!" and "I went downtown and saw (people of a different color) and I wondered if I was ever coming back alive!!" (meanwhile living in a not-so-good part of town, themselves. I take it as "some of us have hang-ups about being poor and alone, and want to blame others for our misfortunes.)
I'm not trying to say these things to justify resigning.
I could just as easily (scratch that - with peaceful effort, I mean) sit in my office on Saturdays and radiate kindness and peace, and do my part in making 3521 a better place in the world.
I could choose that.
I could choose to make a valiant effort to be loving to my mother who demands it. (My mother demands Birthday Cards, demands Christmas presents, demands thanks, and demands appreciation. It pretty much sucks the joy out of things for me. She complained something terrible today when I picked up my children - the impetus that I needed to quit - "Thanks Mother, for that.")
I could choose not to get stressed out every week about Saturday being the End Of The World. (All tasks in my life Must Be Completed by Saturday.)
I could not worry if I'm gonna be fired because I'm the Assistant Manager Who Never Attends Corporate Meetings.

As my dearest, Darling Husband says... I can choose to not ever know what day of the week it is.
:) (God love him. I told him that I'll always know - we'll be counting the days 'til you're with us.)
I can choose to hang out with my family in the spring on Saturday mornings.
Cleaning the yard.
Hangin' out.
Being there for my Beloveds, instead of in that world that I don't particularly like.
I can spend my (quiet and alone) time and my day much more profitably- (as DH suggested) in my neighborhood coffee shop with a plastic cup full of iced tea complimented by a cheese danish and my laptop and ipod.
I can live my life happily creating peace in my home - "I want this to sit on this horsey."
"Well, it's not a horsey, it's a lion. And he won't sit steadily...
"Unless he has a saddle...."I am a Very Important Part of this Universe in which I live.
I love this one.
It loves me.
This is the One I choose.

Friday, February 22, 2008

things that make me happy

Well - if it's finally working properly. We'll see.
Being able to write online anywhere and everywhere is pretty great. I don't like all those wires going every which way - and it's nice that Trev can be online doing his thing, too.

Wednesdays with friends. I'm so glad that we started up group again. Especially since Spring Fever is starting to make itself known.
I'm so thankful for having friends that understand the way we do things nearby.
So, so thankful.

I'm happy that things in our lives are pretty orderly and managed. Finances, papers, taxes, the two new computers are paid for, things are calm and tidy.

Books, books books.
I'm so loving drowning in books.
I just finished Anne of Green Gables this morning, and I'm chomping at the bit for the next one. (I really must tape Anne this year on pbs. )
I've started on Carlos Castaneda's Don Juan.

Again, the rain.

Eric mentioned to Trev this morning that soon we'll get the tramp put back up. "As soon as I clean up the yard, we'll put up the trampoline. If it snows a lot again we'll just sweep it off."
That was a promising offer!
It reminded me that it won't be winter and a thousand shades of brown and gray forever.
How lovely.
It's only February, that's true, but with the end of February comes the end of the harshest part of winter, and things begin to seem more promising with its passing.

Goddess of the Moon incense.
I bought five packages the other day. It makes me smile.

My relatively clean house.
Makes room for happy reading, don't you know.


Just in the last few days I've found myself beginning to need spring.

I've felt myself turning toward the sun the last few days.
Always toward the sun.

When the (seldom seen) sunlight streams an evening ray through my kitchen window and lights upon my counter all golden-like, I find myself staring at it, wanting to disappear into it.
In the mornings I can't seem to manage to find peace in my room downstairs for meditations and quiet. I can't find happiness in candlelight - when my longings are solely for the sun.

It's not even that I'm excited for gardening and flowers and green, necessarily.
I just need the sun.
I want to sit outside, and meditate in the sunlight.
Feel it on my shoulders.
Feel the warm earth under my bare feet.

I want to be outside.
In warmth.
In the light.
In the sun.


Make Pretzels.Check!

This post relates to 103 Things in 861 Days.


it rained today.

just that.
nothing more.
it rained.
in warmth.
in unfrozenness.
in quiet.
in puddles.

it just rained.

Monday, February 18, 2008

books books books

I've had a resurgent drowning into books.
I mean - really.
(Which probably accounts for my absence from writing.)

Funny - while I really liked Eat, Pray, Love, I didn't think I got all that much out of it.
I mean, Italy was truly lovely. Her painful moments I shared in. Her longing for God I understood thoroughly. Her meeting with her ex-husband up where the sky meets was beautiful to witness.

But - I didn't really learn anything.

Along with that has come a few emails in my box saying "Marni has requested you as a friend on Good Reads...." and "Julie has joined Good Reads...", and "Aubrey has joined Good Reads..." and "Teri has joined Good Reads...."
and Oh.

Now I have this great consuming need to really get jiggy wid it, and to know God.

Which accounts for my holiday Saturday morning to find some great new om meditation music.
And another trip to the bookstore (Barnes and Noble) on Sunday (I gotta say - it's so great to be an unschooler, and popping out that 20% off Home Educator's card so unabashedly and without blinking an eye when they ask if you have a B&N Savings card.... "Oh, I have my Home Educator's Card...." Never do I feel guilty for this. I sincerely think of my books as my intellecual and spiritual education!)
Alone at the book store.
And - Holy of Holy's- today I get my little package from One Spirit (a super terrific book club that covers everything from Mother Theresa to the Dalai Lama to stones and Wicca and organic gardening and green house cleaning) in the mail - saying "Want anything?"
You bet I do!

So at the moment I'm drowning in books.

Until a few months ago, I've never read leisurely. I'm sort of a "let me just open this up so you can consume me" kind of reader.
And I never knew until this last year that you could read a page other than the Very Next one.

As sort of crazy and scattered as it makes me feel - right this minute I have several books that I have open on my nightstand (thank goodness I finished Eat, Pray, Love), The Mists of Avalon, Conversations With God Book 3, Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves, Everyday Blessings, and something else..... oh yeah... The Power of Intention.

So yeah, I didn't learn anything from Eat, Pray, Love.
Except that I want to learn some mantras.
And that I am determined to have a period of silence.
And that I want to read poems by Rumi.
And that I want to read again Siddartha.
And the Dalai Lama's book Mind in Comfort and Ease.
And studying the Tao de Ching.
And Hafiz.
And works by Carlos Castaneda.
And that I'm looking forward to my luscious pile of spirituality coming in the mail in a week or two.
And being in Peace.
And walking on water.
And knowing God.

Not much at all.


"Some people see things as they are and say why,
I dream of things that never were,
and say why not?"

Alfred Lord Tennyson

in stillness

Babes are with Eric at the dinosaur museum (Museum of Ancient Life).
Mama is at home.
Listening to one of her favorite guru's on her ipod. :)
Dust rag in hand.
Spreading a little peaceful magic throughout the house.

Mind and heart are very, very still.
Another holiday, to be sure.


I wanted to share this while I was thinking about it...

Yesterday I read Henry David Thoreau's "Civil Disobedience", and one part in particular made me chuckle....

He was put into prison because he refused to pay his taxes to a government that was brutalizing Native Americans -- an act that he found unacceptable. He was "concerned with "the trace effects of my allegiance," in his words.

"I have never declined paying the highway tax, because I am as desirous of being a good neighbor as I am of being a bad subject; and as for supporting schools, I am doing my part to educate my fellow-countrymen now."

Sunday, February 17, 2008

on holiday

Yesterday I went on holiday.
I could say that I went on vacation, but it is so charming and antiquated to say "on holiday", don't you think?

I'm not sure exactly though, when my holiday began. It may have begun the night before, when as I began adventures in India, I thought... the bath. I need to begin this one in the bath.
And it was divine, to be sure.

I didn't finish India that night, but I did decide somewhere there that I wasn't going to work the next day.

The next morning I tossed my camera into my purse, unplugged my laptop, tucked it under my arm, grabbed my purse, kissed my family, and said "See you in a few hours." Can you believe that? I actually left my family for a few hours.
Never have I done this. Never (aside from working on Saturdays).
Well, wait - I've left to go meet the Mama's a couple of times (once with the babes in tow) and once to go to dinner with Eric a couple of years ago.
But this is different,

This (kissing them all and waving as I went in search of solitary pleasure), in and of itself, :), was a holiday!

I sat in my neighborhood designer coffee shoppe (Beans and Brew) with two glasses of iced tea (I considered Chai, -it seemed appropriate- but I was looking forward to the caffeine) and a ham and cheese croissant, set up my notebook, listened to Thich Nhat Hanh and his words on Mindfulness, and proceeded to spend the next hour or two of my life in absolute bliss. Bliss, I tell you. Bliss.
Eventually I packed up my things and headed to one of my favorite locally owned book stores. Where I spend the next hour or two of my life. Perusing. Piddling. Inhaling decadent incenses. Touching stones. Listening to prospective cd's for meditation.
Bliss. Stillness.

All holidays must come to an end, and such was the fate of mine.
But it was lovely.
Lovely, lovely, lovely.
[smile] I highly recommend it.

Thursday, February 14, 2008


I've made such a fuss about pmsing and my emotions that I thought I'd update.
The thing is - I know that there is away to fix it. I know that I can heal (or balance) any crazy fluctuations... I'm just not sure how.
And, of course, part of the problem is that when I'm in a serious bout of it, sometimes I don't even care. It's all I can do to just survive the moment. I think the first step is to change that, then maybe I can move on to "I choose peace instead of this," as I mentioned before.

Today was wonderful!
Though I have not spent any time at all with my Valentine - well my main one, anyway.
The babes and I headed out early to meet friends, and Eric scooted off to work shortly after that. He won't be home 'til probably long after we're tucked in and nestled like spoons.

But, we did get to pass the day with friends -The Mama's with additions, and it was a lovely afternoon.
No stress, no panicking.
I spent quite a bit of time downstairs this morning before we left, first blending some oils together that I thought would be helpful in less than tranquil moments, and then an uninterrupted and loooong meditation.

Now I'm here (with quiet music on my ipod), Maddie is sleeping peacefully, and Trev is watching a movie and giggling. (I can hear him, I always listen to my stuff quietly.)
The house is quiet except for his laughter, it's still and winter-white outside, so the world without and the world within - indeed, even within myself - are quiet, and peaceful, and still.

I welcome it, and am thankful.

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

growing pains

You know that Anais Nin quote that says "And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to bloom." ?
For a long time I didn't have a clue what that meant, and then a couple of months ago I began to understand the philosophy of it, and then today --today I wonder if she didn't mean it quite literally.

Mindfulness is what is on my mind today. Parenting with respect and love and presence and an open mind.

Here it is -
Yesterday (I was quite unaware that my emotions were due to a dreaded physical matter) I was just not happy. I was not miserable - I just had a serious case of ennui. I didn't understand it in the slightest - I was out playing with my husband and children - gallivanting and joyfully seeking - so why on earth couldn't I feel joyful?
At one point (God, I'm such a jack-ass!) After we had been at the farm for probably two hours, and Trev was pretty dang wet almost to his waist as he was playing in the snow all day, we were relatively close to leaving the farm, and he wanted an icecream sandwich. "No, your clothes are soaked, and you'll be cold on the inside and the outside, Bud... it isn't a good idea."
"But Mooooooom! I want an icecream sandwich!!!"
(I should say at this point that this didn't really come out of the blue - for a couple of days I've taken exception -if only in my head- to the way he has expressed himself to me. Not winning me over, if you see what I mean.)
"You never let me do anything!!! No, no, no!, that's all you ever say!" Someone should perhaps take this boy aside and tell him that saying such a thing to a pmsing, radical unschooling Mama who only believes in "yesyesyes!" that this might not be his best choice of words at this particular time. (though I did tell him to stop eating the animal poo snow. sheesh.)
I didn't lose it - though I was feeling really picked on and Put Upon, especially since all I wanted to do this day was to play and be happy with my family.
Because I wasn't in a good space, the whole thing was about me. And how I felt. And what his words meant to me. And how he was unappreciative of me. And how he didn't appreciate the life I give him.
It was totally lame. Because I was even deeper now in my funk, no one (we were now in the truck) was feeling very joyful, now.
I told Eric to stop at a gas station so Trev could go in and buy some skittles, which I had told him he could do, and I dug in my purse for a dollar, and gave one to him and one to Madd.
Trev was still "you're the worst, blah blah blah" and I said something totally lame like "Don't bother saying thank you." and he said "why not?" and I said I was being sarcastic. "Thanks, Mom!", Maddie said upon receiving her dollar. "Welcome, Babe."
I tried to talk to Trev when he was getting out of the truck, "Look, Bud, I want to be friends, and I don't feel like we are, and I wanna fix it." But :/ evidently getting in between a boy and the door to the candy store isn't the best time to Fix This Relationship. So here I was, still feeling not right, and a bit put upon, and trying to find my way to Joy.

I never did fix it yesterday. Though my mood improved.
But eventually I had a thought. I remembered something that the Mama's and I had discussed around a year or two ago - something about how often when you're leaving a place, it's hard to accept it - you want the great things to continue. So often on the way home from, say, Disneyland :), you'll be in the car, and the children will say "Let's stop at Chuck-E-Cheese!!!" and you're like wth? and they're like "Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeease?" "No way." gah. The nerve! :)

I don't know that's for sure what was happening, but what I thought of was
Here's what happened, Steph. You said and thought that All Things Are Possible Today, and you encouraged everyone to say what it is they wanted to do, and go, and see, and explore, and Little Son wanted an icecream sandwich (one of his favorite things) and you said "but not that." Why??? Why on this day, this day of Fun and Everything, and maybe a Really Great Day (for everyone who is not neurotic) would you pull out the lamo "you don't count" card?

As you can see, clearly I am a jack-ass.

And this, friends, this pain that I feel now, this "I detest this part of me" neurosis (temporary, but neurosis just the same), is why I think it is quite literally much more painful and difficult to remain in this same head rather than to escape it, and evolve into something more.

It has simply got to be better on the other side of this.
Doing the work and avoiding these sort of scenarios can only improve our lives.

I've really got to dig deep into this "I Am Peace" thing.
It's my only hope.
(may sound fatalistic, but it's true.)

"On the Necessity of Civil Disobedience"

"If you advance confidently in the direction of your own dreams
and endeavor to live the life which you have imagined
you will meet with a success unexpected in common hours."

Henry David Thoreau
Essay entitled "On the Necessity of Civil Disobedience"

four weeks later....

So I'm like "Geez, what is wrong with me?"

Oh. Wait. Is it that time again?
Why, yes. Yes it is.
Well, at least I know now.

Been wondering why I haven't been very joyful nice the last couple of days.

I really need to work on these imbalances of mine.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008


I'm so excited for this day!
It is supposed to be fifty degrees -Fifty!!!- today, and sun sun sunny!

Today is family day (meaning Eric has the day off, and it isn't skiing or fishing day), and I have absolutely no agenda except to shower, meditate upon joy for a bit, get the babes dressed, and head out the door for a day of fun and frolic.

Aquarium? Aviary? Maybe to the Planetarium for Secret of the Cardboard Rocket, or Sea Monsters 3D? Farm Country? The park?
Who knows?!?

See you tonight!
Now I'm off to charge up a set of back-up batteries for the camera.... :)

tom and jerry

Upon entering the ru world, there were a few things that I had to work out.
Have I ever mentioned that I like getting up at three something -or almost- a.m.? It's really quite nice to know that everyone is tucked in safe and sound and that I am free for whatever pursuit calls to me.... [grin] especially when Eric has the day off and I know I can always sneak off for a little n.a.p. later....
Attachments, of course. Being bossy (still working on that one. My daughter shook her finger at me yesterday and said "don't boss me!" :) )

But there were deeper things too than just the ones on the surface.
Judgments of things - like things that I might consider violent. Mostly my children don't like anything violent or scary - the exception is that Trev really likes Tom and Jerry.

I had to reconcile what I judged to be violence and the energy I felt (or maybe feared is more appropriate) that it brought into my home (and the world) with living the ru life. Not because I want to play by ru rules (an oxymoron, to be sure) but because I can see that I don't have the right to choose someone else's preferences, and I don't really have any wish to control my children in such a way. I don't feel that it's right. Or prudent, for that matter.

So eventually I was able to let it go.
I got to a place where I was sort of thinking "no harm, no foul".

But in the last couple of weeks, as I have begun really to make some shifts within myself, I'm starting to reconsider my dismissal of its potency.
I have a couple of years experience of living/growing ru now, and I'm not swinging in a more conservative direction, certainly, but it has crossed my mind that it might be a good time to start talking to my children about thinking more globally.
I'm certainly not going to make my son feel ashamed for liking Tom and Jerry (et al), but I'd like to be hyper-aware of my own actions and reactions that do not demonstrate peace.
They know I meditate.
They know that I listen to lectures of people that want to make a difference in the world.
They know that I believe in peace.
Trev is really quite aware of "making the world a better place". We went to our neighborhood grocery store the other day, and (unbeknownst to me) there was a PTA thing going on, and there were people everywhere, and a hippo in a tutu, and balloons, and singing, etc (I got sort of wiggy with all these people in my store) and Trev supposed that Harmons had all this going on -before we found out why- because "Maybe Harmons is just trying to make the world a better place, Mom." :)

So, it's not as if my children are unaware of these things.
But I think it's time to really start encouraging them to think beyond their own immediate thoughts. Maybe it's time to introduce more intentionally the big picture.
Not in a judging, blaming, and frightening way, just in a global "all thoughts and words are powerful" sort of way.

It will be tricky, maybe.
I don't want them to feel that I am judging them, ever. I certainly don't want my children to make their choices from a place of shame or fear -- but always from love and joy.

I think for now, the best thing, is to be quite open with where I am, and where I think my spirit is going, and what that means to me.

Seems like a great place to begin.

Monday, February 11, 2008

beauty found

I went outside to Eric a few minutes ago to ask him something.

A surprising discover was made.
All of the snow was melted on our south-facing front lawn.

I paused on the mostly brown grass for a moment, and felt my feet sink into the softening earth.Aaaaah, I thought.

I came inside and a few minutes later my son ran past me, fast as lightning.
"Wait! Come back," I cried.
In question, I pulled him close and put my face close to the top of his head, inhaling deeply the scent of his hair.
I thought so, I said to myself. He smells of summer's sunshine...


Or maybe declaration.

This has been round and round in my head for a few weeks, now.
I start to write about it, then I change my mind, or let yet another post gather dust in my drafts.
Never quite right.
This one could very well follow the fate of the others.

On to it!

I realize that my choices of expression and self discovery are not popular.
I can see [ahem] quite clearly that my use of the word God and Spirit and Truth are not the customary fodder for usual every-day conversation.
I have considered many, many times that the things I write here are perhaps sacred only to me, relevant only to me, important only to me, and sensible only to me.
I have considered that there are folks who actually link here. :)
I have thought of the people that read what I have to say. Not many - but a few. A few people that I truly care about and regard as friends.

Now - the reconciliation...
It's not that I don't care.
It's not that I am dismissive of others journeys or paths or quests or truths.

I just... I just have to be always cognizant and expressive of my own.
As best I can in any moment, anyway.

There are certain things that are greatly important to me, and I must live and express them in order to fill my self/spirit as it demands.

It's chancy - pointing these things out in a few carefully selected words.
Bringing attention to something that maybe could have been skipped over or easily dismissed in another moment.

I think - Maybe people will now stop coming.
Maybe in speaking my Truth I've driven people away.
Maybe others just don't want to hear it.

People are always free to roll their eyes and walk away, of course.
People are free to judge.
And even to point a condemning and damning finger, if they choose.

But [shrug] honestly, Friends, I don't have a choice.
These things are Truths for me - things that demand to be said, and written, and acknowledged and lived and expressed, and proclaimed.
It's like my Spirit is on a great journey, and is insisting that the other parts of me follow closely.

Now. Come with Me, it calls.
It promises great rewards.
And Love.
And Abundance.
And To Know.

So what choice do I have-
but to run as fast as I can
trying to keep up?

Sunday, February 10, 2008

sacred life sunday: exhale

deep breath.
today has been hurried or harried almost from the time i awoke this morning.
it wasn't an unpleasant day, exactly, it just lacked ease and a restful mind.
i did get outside for a few minutes by myself this morning - which was lovely, but had i known that it would mean forgoing a quiet half hour downstairs meditating and preparing for the day, i'm not certain that i'd have made that same choice.

but now - now i am here, one lone soul lying on this huge bed that usually holds three or four, and i have a moment to breathe - slow and deep, calming and fulfilling.
now comes the reconnection.
now i shall begin again a book that has so many times spoken to my heart, and i shall reconnect with my truest self and my intentions.


a moment in the sun

My world has looked like this for a couple of months now.

I've enjoyed the respite from outdoor chores, and remain hopeful that I'll still have the time and motivation to get winter chores done - things that no one wants to do in the spring, when the sun shines bright and the birds are beguiling us to join the play.

It's been days and days since I've taken a picture.
Today, knowing that we were going to be exploring in the sunshine (it has kindly shown itself to us today) I headed out the front door with my trusted little friend.

I just knew, once I saw the promise of this, emerging determinedly out of the still-frozen ground

that if I looked, I would be able find much, much more.
After all, it only takes a little looking to find the beauty.
And the promise of awakening.

On the frozen ground I walked oh-so-slowly, urged on by my flitting and chirping friends calling "Hooray, Hooray! Over here! Over here!"

After a moment I urged them to be very quiet and still,
for I wanted to listen very carefully
for the violets that I know are lying here
under this frozen blanket
so, so softly
"we're coming, we're coming."

No matter the other -
I'll be ready.
I, too, am ready to live fully awake.

Saturday, February 09, 2008

give peace a chance

I wrote a (short) post earlier that questioned the wisdom of fighting terror with the terror of war. It seems crazy to me that we would terrorize hundreds of thousands of people in hopes of putting a stop to someone that we see as a terrorizing dictator. It seems to me that peace is the only solution to this hatred and related violence.

I changed my mind about sending it.
I don't want to write anti-war posts. I want to write for peace.
I don't want to fight terrorism (even the terrorism inflicted by my own government). I want to embrace (if only in my mind) the souls that are lost in that destruction and chaos.
It is not my wish to fight anything - even darkness.

Have you ever considered that bringing something of higher energy to something vibrating at a low level frequency not only nullifies low energy, but also converts it to higher energy? An interesting thought. Just as bringing light into darkness banishes the darkness.

This post has been sitting in my drafts for a day or so.
Since then I have read a similar post by my friend Sheri.
And now, today, I have stumbled (how very lovely and synchronistic) upon two cool movements that I had no idea existed - one is the United States Peace Government, and the other is Shift In Action - which is all about quantum physics, meditation, world peace, and consciousness.
Imagine that.

Things are looking up.

Thursday, February 07, 2008

I Am, I Said

:) It so happens that I love that song. You can put a few of Neale Diamonds among my new wave and folk and classical and punk and bluegrass and operatic and reggae and rebel country (Johnny Cash and Willie Nelson) and meditation and favorite hippie songs.

A friend said something about this subject, and I wanted to clarify some things for her, as well as for myself so that I might continue solidly along this new Road to Mastery on which I imagine myself to be.

When I said yesterday that I have arrived - I might have given the impression that that means another stupid or shouting word shall never come out of my mouth. I wish! - but that certainly isn't true (well, maybe it is, I'll not be damning myself with saying it's impossible - but I would be very surprised). :)
And when I said that I've made a shift from "I want this to be a part of my life - I want to live in gentleness and kindness, abundance and gratitude, presence and awareness, service and graciousness", I didn't mean that I woke up Being these things automatically.

What I meant was for the first time instead of constantly reaching for it, I have consciously decided to Be it.
It probably sounds ridiculously simple to many people ("Well, of course if you want to Be Kind, then you just Be Kind!"), but for me it was a long process (of probably about twenty-two years) to make that leap.
For me there was all this other stuff in the way.
A big one was of course being angry. I think once I got that one out of the way I was free to begin to grasp this idea.

The second one is one that I have written about often, lately, and that is judgment. I cannot Be kind because I did this other thing three seconds ago that was not kind. Therefore I am not yet ready to Be Kind. I don't have what it takes. I have all this other garbage (like anger) inside me that prevents me from being this other.
Judgment is so damning. Judgment of others, judgment of our children, judgment of our selves - it hurts greatly our spirit. It keeps us from living in light and love.

If I want to live my life On Purpose - which means that I live according to my spirit, and that I am constantly consciously creating and being and recognizing and listening and evolving and expanding - then I need to reside in a place that says "I Am Love. I Am Kindness. I Am Abundance. I Am God (which I believe is the ultimate quest of the soul)."

How do I do that?
I just Be it.
It may be (initially) that I act with love and peace only once out of twelve interactions throughout my day. But that still confirms my Being. Some might say "So what? Anyone can be kind once a day!" And I say of course we can - the difference in my Being Kind is that I have shifted my head from "I can't" (because I was only capable of doing it the once) to "I Am."
I'm not saying that I've never been a kind and loving person, I have my moments. :) But the consideration that I Am what I want to be has always eluded me. It's always been out there somewhere [waves hand over head into the cosmos], something to attain when I am Good Enough.
And now -- Now I know that if I want to experience it, all that remains is that I Be it.
The frequency doesn't matter in this particular moment - that's just details. I know that since my focus is now on this certain thing (in my case it's a lot of things - abundance, kindness, love, beauty, gentleness, expansiveness) that there is nothing to do but to grow more and more into these things every day. Every moment I shall Become more and more - because I now believe it is what I Am. (and not all of those other contradicting things that I considered myself to be before.)
Isn't that remarkable?

One last thing that I think allowed me to make this shift was servitude - in the sense of "we come with nothing (no thing) and we leave with no thing, and all we can do is give our life away".
I've always sort of shied (um, rebelled, maybe would be a more appropriate word) away from the thought of servitude. I think it comes from the whole "We Are One" thing, and how I'm not yet ready to get rid of my ego. Losing my ego (to me) means losing my Self, and I am not yet ready to blend into (quietly and graciously) The All yet. I'm really enjoying expressing and being my Individual Self at the moment.
But in listening to one of my lectures the other day I was trying to skip over :) the idea of "How may I serve?" and get to the other stuff - when he (Dr. Wayne Dyer, this one was...The Secrets of the Power of Intention) started talking about how "giving our life away" can mean saying a kind word to someone. It means putting aside my own agenda when someone is in need. It means wanting love and peace for someone else more than I want it for my self. It means sending someone loving and kind thoughts and wishes that I am having struggles with.
That is servitude.
Oh! Well I can do that! And gladly, even. :)

You see? Three huge obstacles were in my way, and I didn't even know it.

So knowing and acknowledging these things has placed me upon my path to Mastery. Or Enlightenment. Or Becoming. Whatever you'd like to call it.

It astounds me how different I feel.
I feel excited.
Elated, even.
And like nothing is impossible.
Instead of "one day, when I am good enough, I'll be there" I feel like shouting laughingly "Here I come!"
Or even, quite possibly, "Here I Am!"

Wednesday, February 06, 2008

Mastery Part 7: I Am

There are even a hundred more thoughts that I would like to write about concerning this particular subject, if you can imagine that.
There are even a few reasons that I decided to write down these thoughts - mainly because I chose to record and profess my intentions.

When I first thought of the word Intent for my 2008 focus, I meant it as "this is what I intend to create for myself". Now my head has shifted, and I am in a space that reflects something closer to "I am creating all the time, and I am shifting my focus to this" sort of thinking.

There are certain things that I know to be true.
Things like I can completely heal myself. And like I create my life and my experiences. And I can serve by giving my life away - which today means acting and responding with kindness and gentleness (mostly just with my children, as I interact mostly with them - but, :), I do get LOTS of practice with them!)
Which reminds me - I heard someone (with similar spiritual philosophies to mine) say the other day - all of these great teachers - Buddha, Saint Frances, Jesus, and many other Saints and spiritual leaders - none of them had children. Ha! :) True enough. It's one thing to be a saint when you can spend your whole life in solitude on a mountain-top meditating (or praying)......
I jest, but still... You get my point. :)

And now moving on before I get struck by lightning....

Today - just today, friends - I was able to make a shift.
I've known and believed the things I do for a long, long time, some of them. I have a sense of universal laws, and understand that what you put your attention on grows, and that kindness comes back to you, and that if you want more of something in your life then it's prudent to give it away.

But somehow there has always been a gap between "I desire this" and "I Am this".
Not today.
It's like all the lectures and words and books finally sank in, and I moved magically from one to the other. In an instant.
My challenges and desires and requests are not something to pursue - but to Be.
The intention lies in the Being. The mastery lies in the Being. The understanding lies in the Being. The knowing is realized in the Being.

few times in the last couple of months or so I've written something that I considered putting in my In Pursuit of Gentleness category. I hesitated - it didn't seem quite right. I didn't want to pursue gentleness. That implies that it's evasive and not a part of who I am. I considered changing the category to In Gentleness, just so I can add more posts to it in the future - but I forgot about it until today.
I think that consideration must have been a fore-shadowing of this thought to come.

It isn't about being holy and not myself. It isn't about living in a numbefied pseudo-Zen state. It isn't about being a recluse on a mountain top somewhere in Tibet.

It's about bringing joy into my children's lives. It's about being conscious of serving that joy instead of my own feelings of "but what about me? I was treated badly..." It's about experiencing my infinity now, instead of after I die.

It's living
and laughing
and being joy
and being gratitude
and being beauty
and being abundance
and experiencing God today
and knowing now
and living greatly because I am...

All of these things because I Am.

Mastery Part 6

I've got a thousand things (er... messes) that I should be tending to, but I wanted to write for a minute before I forget again.

A couple of days ago I posted the definition of appreciation. Not because I imagine that any of us do not know the meaning of the word - just as a reminder to myself and anyone else interested that appreciating something means "to make it more valuable" - it adds value.

If we appreciate our lives, we make it better.
I'm not talking about "I'm so thankful to be alive and healthy blahblahblah", or that we should be appreciative of our troubles and woes - though some people truly are. (Not me - I don't really like troubles, thank you. I'm not much one who finds enjoyment in being motivated by such things.)

It's the small things that make me smile. Like being startled by a plastic giant cricket on the bathroom sink (though I don't bat an eye these days when I come across such things - alive or plastic). Or finding a wizard on the shelf in the refrigerator. Or finding toy treasures stuffed in the drain pipe. Or like today - finding a car that has shot full force into a cheese danish on the coffee table only to find himself spinning his wheels to get out.

I've mentioned these things before, and how if putting up with my ...uh.... lively emotions means that I get to feel happy while rinsing cream cheese out of wheels, then so be it. I'll take the trade.

But lately - the last few days - I've made a shift, I think.
No doubt it started with "I'm done being angry about being angry". But since then I've made lots of joyful discoveries.
This may seem silly - but take the "Spreader of Love" Award that I received from Tara for OLM.
(I hope that if Tara reads this she comes to understand my meaning - I'm going to be really open, here.)
When she first dropped by to say "come get some love" I wasn't sure, but then I went over and saw that she had given me (and only me) the Love award. At first I was like "Wow!" and then I realized that she had the option of giving it to TEN but didn't have many people to give it to! :) So I was like... "Oh!" - But still Very Cool that she thought me.
And then - my next thought was "This is very cool! She said (in giving the award) that I am a spreader of love, and she said that OLM was an unschooling inspiration, and wanted to honor me for it! Totally cool!"
I took it to heart. I don't know if she meant it as such :), but I don't care.
By honoring love inside of me, she inspired me to be more Loving.
And she inspired me to pass on love to others.
It doesn't matter if others get as excited as I about the award. What it meant to me was "I'd like you to know that I acknowledge the love and joy that resides in you." That's huge.
And that is what I wanted to pass on to others. I expect nothing from them. I don't hope for acknowledgment. I don't expect gratitude. I don't expect them to feel honored. I just wanted them to feel love. Joy.

And that's what I'm talking about - things are coming to me in surprising ways, right now.
I have the choice to look at something like a blog award as silly, and meaningless. Or I can appreciate it. I can say "Wow! Thanks!" And feel loved and love from it - and choose to share with others that love and joy.

Another surprising part of this is residing in happiness. My house is a mess right now. No, really, it's A MESS. But I'm not panicking. It's not the end of the world. If anyone comes over (no one ever does), I just won't let them in past the livingroom! :). It will get better today, and probably spotless tomorrow. It's not the first time, and won't be the last, I'm sure.

I am choosing to feel good - to reside in a space where I am creating constantly (or almost constantly) good feelings and joy and God and love and peace. I Want To Feel Good.
In being in this space, I am loving, I am giving, I am serving, I am joyful, I am accepting, I am kind, and not only am I living in the present moment with these feelings, but I am creating for myself these same things in the next moment - as I am consciously choosing how I am living my life (being present) therefore creating more love and joy for my next moments.

So you see - it doesn't matter if it's just a silly ol' award.
In my life, and in my mind and heart it is appreciated and not meaningless, and that is a reminder to me that I get to choose my experiences and my reality.
I get to choose kindness. I get to choose joy. And I get to choose love.
And so I have.

Monday, February 04, 2008

Mastery Part 5

As I stumble and fall sometimes upon my (respectful, unconditional, and ru) path - particularly when I've got just too damned much going on and don't feel like I can spare a moment or a kind extra word or something that seems equally taxing (with my children, mostly, as interacting with them is how I spend most of my days) - I think Geez! I have such a long way to go! I am nowhere near the person that I most desire to be. God! Will I ever get there?
And then I read something like I did on Julie's post this morning - not with judgment, just with reflection, just something to bounce against. And then I hang out with (today) others for a bit that live a very, very different life than I do. And then I read someone else's story, and I think Wow! I (we) have come a long, long way.
Now I find myself saying Geez! when I've done something that is in disharmony with what I believe to be right - but in another life it would have been the norm. While I might say "Put that down" in a moment of great stress and panic, in another life it would have been an automatic response. I'm not talking about the nitty-gritty - I read when I was pregnant with my son that children who were aloud to play with broken stoves at ten months old when they were eight knew how stoves were built. That telling a child "get down or you'll fall" will only either make a liar out of you, or cause your child to be fearful of exploring. I knew then that I wanted no part of those things. It made sense to me that I needed to give my children freedom to grow and be.
So maybe I didn't start from scratch, as I knew my self, and knew that perhaps rigidity was not the best way to handle things.
But still - with parenting I think comes these automatic responses - things like "hurry up", "don't touch that", "put that back", and even stupid things like "let's go now" or even worse "let's go over here to play now". Things that just come out of our mouths sometimes that are really ridiculous if only we stop to think about them.
Why on earth would I care if my son spends the whole day at the park at the sandbox? Why in the world would I stop him from climbing UP the slide if no one else were around to crash into? Honestly.

There are so many things that if we stop to consider it makes no sense to deny our child other than possibly "it's not convenient for me" or "I don't understand why you want to therefore the answer is no because it cannot possibly be Truly Important."

I have come a long way out of those sorts of responses. That's not to say they do not escape my mouth every once in a while - it's like they are stored on my tongue, and my brain is not even asked for its opinion every so often.

But the good news is - these moments are not often, and they are the exception and not the rule, and that makes me say Huh. Imagine that. We've come a long, long way.

I expect now that I have intended my total focus to be on really wonderful things like "goodness", and "I choose to feel good" and "let's celebrate and recognize the love in this home" and other equally delicious things, to be in awe and amazed at the magic - to indeed, appreciate...... I imagine that things are going to get even better.

Mastery Part 4

Mastery might seem a really lofty idea or aspiration.
But it's something I've always known is a part of me.
It is something I've sought since I was a kid.
There are certain things that I fully expect to become a part of my every day life.

One of them is to live in goodness. (in Godness, if you will.)
This for me means parenting in gentleness, being a provider of love and understanding and aid and unconditional love and friendship. (Yes, friendship.)
The second part of living in goodness is maintaining a friendship with the earth and its inhabitants. Being kind to animals and our home, being one who seeks peace in the world, and one who encourages (as I am able) others to live their best life. This means not getting in the way, not being offended (something I think I am really getting better at) and not promoting violence or disharmony in any way.

Another point of mastery that I fully intend to experience in this life is a solid and daily connection with my Source. God, Goddess, Universe, All, Spirit, Louise, whatever you choose to call it.
This includes knowing with everything I am that even before I have asked it is given to me.
This includes knowing that I came from an abundant universe that is always expanding - and that It knows no shortages and is always willing and eager to respond with more when I say "I Am..."
This includes being willing to serve, as the Universe is always willing to serve.

Eventually - perhaps many lifetimes from now - I fully expect to do many things that today seem extraordinary, if not impossible.

But I shall do it.
Just because.........I Am.


Did you know that the word appreciate (when used without object) means "to raise in value"?

It gives a whole new meaning to so many things to me.


Did you know that the word enthusiasm comes from "entheos" - meaning "God within"?

Sunday, February 03, 2008

Mastery Part 3

I think I'm becoming even more unattached to What Others Think Of Me.

I wrote not too long ago that I was joining the Small Is Beautiful/Passionate Blog ring because I wanted to remind myself that my blogs are about My Stories and My Truths.
This idea may seem dismissive of other's good opinions, and that I don't hold others opinions in very high regard. Of course it's not that - it's just that I'd like to be free from that particular bondage.
For me, being a writer (one who explores through the written word) and one who likes to explore and explode the workings of the goings on in her mind, it's best that I use this medium for truth seeking and expression in just that way - and without thought to how well my words will be received.

It's been my consideration for a couple of months now that my reputation (with whomever comes in contact with me virtually or in person) is not something that is located in me, and not something for which I am responsible. All I can do is live my truths.

If I label a thing as stupid - that does not render the thing to something stupid. If I call it foolish, it does not change its being to foolishness. If I judge something or someone in a thousand ways, it does not make it so - it only shows me to be one who has a need to feel superior. It only demonstrates that I am One Who Must Judge.
Others judgments do not change me.
Nor should they - no one but Me knows what my spirit seeks to be - and the things it seeks to experience.
I Am The Only One Who Knows My Truth.
I Am The One Who Hears The Call Of My Spirit.

This realization came to me today - and it about brought me to tears.

I am responsible in my life.
I respond to all of my children's needs.
I embrace their desire to demonstrate who they are.

It is my absolute wish and intent to live my life and to subsequently raise my children according to what I know Myself, God, and my place in the Universe to be.
Harming none, betraying none.
Embracing expansiveness and embracing the needs of the soul.
In absolute Beauty, absolute Gentleness, and absolute Love.
I shall not feel doubtful or be apologetic for residing in light and love.
It is where I need to be.

Mastery Part 2

This week when I was trying madly to get my work done - on a deadline - I had a few occasions to look at what was happening, and to ask "How can I improve this situation?"
It's always tricky being a parent and working at home (ie being under an obligation other than "let me help you get on with your happy and healthy life"). The challenge is of course to be kind and helpful to the children while attending to things that Must Be Done.
It is sooooo difficult. (I have no idea how so many mama's and daddy's do it!)

I felt myself getting a little nutty and tense this week when I was trying to get stuff done, and every few seconds one of the children had a question or need. I work at the kitchen table, it's not as if I (quietly and conveniently) close myself up somewhere.
So "How can I improve this situation?" I wondered.

I chose to get out my oil burner with my "tension tamer" diffuser concoction.
I also have been challenged this week by shouts and screams and loud debates between the children. What to do about that?
Music. I got out my little portable that I keep downstairs, and put it next to me on the table
I have a great sensitivity to abrupt noise. I'm not sure why, and definitely it's something I should work on (um, I'm not asking to go deaf, if you please) and I thought that if I put some of my favorite soothing music on (this particular one is a compilation that I call "desert meditation") then I wouldn't be so likely to flinch and wince when a noise came in disturbing my concentration and peace. It was really helpful!

I've been thinking "ipod" for several months.

Part of it is that I'd like to hear my favorite lecturers at any moment.
Things are pretty active around here All The Time, and I don't feel like I have time to sit (and read) and ponder the writings of those that I believe have a message for me.

Another part of it is that when I'm on the treadmill or doing something else and I hear shouts of "No!" and "Don't!" and "Aaaah! I'm gonna get you for that!" I can feel my blood pressure (unnecessarily - because it's really nothing) raise about 20 ... um points? degrees?... and I feel really panicky and stressed.
And remember how I said I was going to try to abstain from interfering? Yeah.
I thought mayhap a step in the right direction would be if I couldn't actually hear it....
(I'm not going to bother to explain that this is not about being neglectful and ignoring my children - for anyone who reads here often knows that the intent is to be a better and more loving and engaged parent.)

Yeah - that's it! Plug into (mmm, quite literally) some of my favorite teachers - Naomi Aldort (Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves), Neale Donald Walsch (Conversations With God), Thich Nhat Hanh (The Art of Mindfulness), Wayne Dyer, Deepak Chopra, books that I look forward to such as The Way of The Peaceful Warrior (thanks Salt Lake County Library for the E-Audio System), and so many more.

My friend Julie said the other day in a comment something like "I hope you find peace in this (disruption of peace and anger and frustration), and come to a peaceful solution - for what other solution to anger is there but peace?"
Although, it didn't seem that peace was the requisite at the time, certainly.
While it was my intent and desire, certainly, to be at peace with it, I wasn't thinking "Peace", so much as "Freedom". I desperately wanted and needed (and was finally Ready) to be Free.

One of the answers to the quest of mastery this week was (my ipod) this little two and 1/8 ounce (yes, I did measure) machine that takes up less than three square inches - but which provides so much wisdom and protection in Times of Need.
It offers many voices - a thousand voices, over time - and many words and many checkpoints and many advisories...
It contains words of wisdom and sparks Truth as well as Insight.

It is a soft barrier cloud as well as a gentle reminder between the space of 'demand' and 'reaction'.
At this time, in my seemingly infinite need for space to grow and learn, I am finding a peaceful resting spot to say -- "Wait...." and "Give me just a second to think about this...."
And I am an infinitesimal step closer to mastery.


We've all heard of serotonin, right?
It's the chemical in the brain that is responsible for feelings of Well-Being.

Did you know that if you are the recipient of an Act of Kindness that your serotonin levels increase?
And not only that - but that your immune system's strength also increases?

And that not only being the recipient of such an Act of Kindness increases the levels but also that being the Giver of this graciousness will increase these levels?

And in addition to That, that just witnessing, and being within the energy field of such an act will also increase these levels?

Maybe it's in our best interest t0


Mastery Part 1 1/2

The last several days my thoughts have been tangled and absorbed and deluged with contemplations of -
  • more quantum physics [grin] just as if I have a mind capable of remotely understanding such things....
  • abundance
  • mastery
  • intention
  • kindness and goodness (Godliness)
  • creation
  • living on and with purpose.
There a thousand important facts and ideas which are imperative to these expressions.
I'm not even reasonably certain that I can capture them all and put them on paper (well, you know) what they all signify.
But this is my only recording of my thoughts, life, and processes, so I shall certainly try.
Read on if you will.