You know that Anais Nin quote that says "And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to bloom." ?
For a long time I didn't have a clue what that meant, and then a couple of months ago I began to understand the philosophy of it, and then today --today I wonder if she didn't mean it quite literally.
Mindfulness is what is on my mind today. Parenting with respect and love and presence and an open mind.
Here it is -
Yesterday (I was quite unaware that my emotions were due to a dreaded physical matter) I was just not happy. I was not miserable - I just had a serious case of ennui. I didn't understand it in the slightest - I was out playing with my husband and children - gallivanting and joyfully seeking - so why on earth couldn't I feel joyful?
At one point (God, I'm such a jack-ass!) After we had been at the farm for probably two hours, and Trev was pretty dang wet almost to his waist as he was playing in the snow all day, we were relatively close to leaving the farm, and he wanted an icecream sandwich. "No, your clothes are soaked, and you'll be cold on the inside and the outside, Bud... it isn't a good idea."
"But Mooooooom! I want an icecream sandwich!!!"
(I should say at this point that this didn't really come out of the blue - for a couple of days I've taken exception -if only in my head- to the way he has expressed himself to me. Not winning me over, if you see what I mean.)
"You never let me do anything!!! No, no, no!, that's all you ever say!" Someone should perhaps take this boy aside and tell him that saying such a thing to a pmsing, radical unschooling Mama who only believes in "yesyesyes!" that this might not be his best choice of words at this particular time. (though I did tell him to stop eating the animal poo snow. sheesh.)
I didn't lose it - though I was feeling really picked on and Put Upon, especially since all I wanted to do this day was to play and be happy with my family.
Because I wasn't in a good space, the whole thing was about me. And how I felt. And what his words meant to me. And how he was unappreciative of me. And how he didn't appreciate the life I give him.
It was totally lame. Because I was even deeper now in my funk, no one (we were now in the truck) was feeling very joyful, now.
I told Eric to stop at a gas station so Trev could go in and buy some skittles, which I had told him he could do, and I dug in my purse for a dollar, and gave one to him and one to Madd.
Trev was still "you're the worst, blah blah blah" and I said something totally lame like "Don't bother saying thank you." and he said "why not?" and I said I was being sarcastic. "Thanks, Mom!", Maddie said upon receiving her dollar. "Welcome, Babe."
I tried to talk to Trev when he was getting out of the truck, "Look, Bud, I want to be friends, and I don't feel like we are, and I wanna fix it." But :/ evidently getting in between a boy and the door to the candy store isn't the best time to Fix This Relationship. So here I was, still feeling not right, and a bit put upon, and trying to find my way to Joy.
I never did fix it yesterday. Though my mood improved.
But eventually I had a thought. I remembered something that the Mama's and I had discussed around a year or two ago - something about how often when you're leaving a place, it's hard to accept it - you want the great things to continue. So often on the way home from, say, Disneyland :), you'll be in the car, and the children will say "Let's stop at Chuck-E-Cheese!!!" and you're like wth? and they're like "Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeease?" "No way." gah. The nerve! :)
I don't know that's for sure what was happening, but what I thought of was
Here's what happened, Steph. You said and thought that All Things Are Possible Today, and you encouraged everyone to say what it is they wanted to do, and go, and see, and explore, and Little Son wanted an icecream sandwich (one of his favorite things) and you said "but not that." Why??? Why on this day, this day of Fun and Everything, and maybe a Really Great Day (for everyone who is not neurotic) would you pull out the lamo "you don't count" card?
As you can see, clearly I am a jack-ass.
And this, friends, this pain that I feel now, this "I detest this part of me" neurosis (temporary, but neurosis just the same), is why I think it is quite literally much more painful and difficult to remain in this same head rather than to escape it, and evolve into something more.
It has simply got to be better on the other side of this.
Doing the work and avoiding these sort of scenarios can only improve our lives.
I've really got to dig deep into this "I Am Peace" thing.
It's my only hope.
(may sound fatalistic, but it's true.)