News Flash

This just in.

I relate to people through feeling.

I cross barriers (or plow them over) through feeling.

I am finding my way to the truth of One,
through feeling.

Emotions and intuition
are my everyday compass -

I act and Do according to these.

Huh.

Interview with Trevelyn

I got this from Sherry.
I thought I'd face it head on.
I was scared.

Trev came tearing through for a pit stop while enjoying a jumping session with Maddie and our neighbor, Blondie.

"Hey, Bud.... have ten quick questions for you...." (I figured I'd let him off lightly.)
After letting him in on what an interview is, and how they're given to famous people, and that no, this doesn't mean that he's famous.....
Groan. "Alright."

1. What is something I always say to you?
I love you.

2. What makes me happy?
My freckles.

3. What makes me sad?
I have no idea.
Wanna guess?
What does make you sad, Mom?
I don't know. Uuuuuh....
You're just always way too joyful?
God love him.

4. How do I make you laugh?
By tickling me.

5. What was I like as a child?
I don't know.

6. How old am I?
I don't know.
Want to guess?
Um... fifty?
I laughed.
No, 49! (as if that made All The Difference.) 48!

7. How tall am I?
As tall as me. (Close enough.)

8. What is my favorite thing to do?
Spend time with me.

9. What do I do when you’re not around?
Read your book.

10. If I become famous, what will it be for?
I have no idea.

11. What am I really good at?
Teaching me stuff.

12. What am I not very good at?
Giving me some time.
[grin] Go! You're done.

* * *
Round Two, after Blondie went home.

* * *

Will you jump with me now, Mom?
Just a sec, I have eight more questions for you....

13. What do I do for a job?
You don't have a job anymore.

14.What is my favorite food?
I don't know.

15. What makes you proud of me?
Jumping with me.

16. If I were a cartoon character, who would I be?
You.
But if I were a cartoon character, who would I be? What cartoon character reminds you of me?
You.

17. What do you and I do together?
Maddie heard that and piped up from the background and said, "Painting, doing art stuff...." We had just finished up doing our art projects in the backyard.
Painting and having fun.

18. How are you and I the same?
We're both part of this family.

19. How are you and I different?
Skin colors and the opposites of having freckles and the eyes.
I have freckles, see?

20. How do you know I love you?
Because you're my mother.
Any other reason I love you?
No.
[laugh.] That's the only reason I love you?
Yeah. Can we jump now?

* * *

Two things... one, I feel like I passed.
Thank God.

Two....
This was interesting for me, because it said to me that I'm not nearly the failure that I feel like I am, that things are actually going along quite alright.
Rest easy, it seemed to say.
Remember Rule #6.

Complacency

So back to it. :)

Here's my problem.... complacency.

And I don't mean a "resting" period. And I don't mean a "soaking it all in" period. I mean a "I'm comfortable where I am watching television" period.

Not that the tellie is even a problem (read: a stressful worry for Mama) at the moment, as Cartoon Network has been banned again. By Trevelyn, of course. For a couple of more months, until Summer, he says-- and its been about three weeks, now. (He got frightened by something again - I think it was Batman, though he doesn't talk about it, and so we just respect his wishes.)
And I never mind pbs shows and library videos, or even the Flinstones, Scooby, Dora and Diego, as the children love them so much.

So-- it's not the tv.

And since that's not it, I've been asking myself today and yesterday what it is.

I think it kind of surfaced the other day, maybe a week or so ago, when Trev was pounding on the computer desk, and really frustrated. He was angry because he wanted to play with his friend, and she was in school. (He was pounding and screaming, I was pmsing, you can imagine that the moment wasn't going over terribly smoothly.)
Our conversation was something like "Come on, Bud... let's do something together."
"No, I just wanna sit here and wait for (friend) to get out of school."
"She doesn't get out of school for six hours."
"Then I'll just sit here and wait."
blink.
"And what if she can't play when she gets home? Then your day will have wasted away." I could just envision the meltdown happening if she couldn't play (and didn't think I could take it)... "You can't just sit and wait for your life to pass by, Son. Do something fun."
"I'll just go sit on my bed and wait."

Now as I sit here (in this quiet morning, when everyone but me still sleeps) this doesn't seem like such a bad idea.
He can be pondering the game he and she play, and think about dinosaurs, and think about racing, or whatever he's thinking about.

But I was in that "He never wants to do anything," place, (that's the truth as I saw it in that moment) and I was totally frustrated by it.

And it's not true that "he never wants to do anything". Obviously, if you've ever visited OLM.

But it is true that he can be complacent in a place that he isn't happy with, and will turn down things that I know he will love or truly enjoy in the name of "I'm comfortable right here where I am".

So what to do? And do I have the right to do anything?
(Lord, this isn't another "I must Fix It" thing, is it?)

Here's what I don't want:
I don't want to be a domineering -or even authoritarian- parent. I want to aid and support my children in limitless love, and to give them the very best of myself so that they may find and represent the best part (ie the Most) of their individual Self.

I don't want my children to rely upon me as their motivation for Learning. That's an obvious one, and not really a problem, as they really are inquisitive and interested (but just don't ask me if that's true when I'm stressed out about something).

I don't want to be my child's main motivator in Life. Though this one is a bit complex, as I'm not a self-motivated person, so I really have no idea about instilling it in my children. Spiritually and philosophically, I suspect that it's an innate part of us-- a characteristic that some have, and I am perfectly comfortable with being motivated by different things - a warm summer's day, someone's blogpost about a fabulous adventure, a view of a snowy landscape, the sudden p and v of my children and a need to run and wander freely, whatever.

And here's what I know:

Inspiration comes from the outside. It can come from anywhere and everywhere.
It doesn't have to be fancy. Someone can mention "curtain rod" in a book and your mind wanders to a fabulous idea of using a curtain to make a puppet theater.

It's my job (as I have seen more of the world, and have a broader scope) to provide my children with Inspiration. Now it isn't left only to me, but particularly as we grow and learn naturally (educationally speaking) it's up to me to hunt and gather for them.

So.... again, the question.... is it also my job to say "Let's go"?
And, again, it comes down to paying particular attention, I think.

If the mood of the day (such as the day-before-yesterday) is one that says "Uh, no.... we're not fit for being in public today..." then we'd best cancel plans and stay home.
And if we've had a crazy busy few days, and the children have had a blast, but are now coming undone, then of course a day in front of the tellie might be just the thing to recuperate.

In light of "what I really want for my children" I can revisit yesterday's question of "Is it alright to urge them to do something they don't initially want to do?"

And then I can ask "Is urging one to stretch acceptable?"
I'm really comfortable with this idea. It feels freeing and strong. It feels right.

So I arrive to a similar conclusion... but one that feels more loving and liberating than yesterday's answer.

The difference between the pale bitterness of yesterday's resignment (ie my children losing the Joy of Discovery), and today's conclusion is authenticity and honesty.

It's in part the approach.
It is asking "then how about this?" to Trev's answer of "Aaaw, Mom, do we have to?"
It's asking "then what?" (and persisting until someone comes up with a happy solution) if not.
The answer is using an honest approach to his skeptical "no, thanks"... "Hey, Bud... remember the other thing that you love? I really think you'll like this one, too... how 'bout we give it a try? At least for a couple of minutes?"
The problem I had before is that I wanted to call a spade a spade, and asking or urging seemed and felt manipulative, and I may as well therefore call it Force. Coersion.
A bitter pill to swallow.

Now I've shifted slightly again, and am able to see that I was on the right track (as Sarah said) and that bringing true authenticity -much love- into it is the right thing to do, but, too, is the very important matter of leaving the Final Decision up to the children.
With no judgment or disappointment from me.

Love, love, love.
Only Love.


AND...
Thanks so much to those who responded to the last posts and helped me to work through this.
Much love to you.

worries

First off, I begin this post at four-something a.m, so if it rambles or makes no sense we'll blame it on that. Agreed? (Even though very early morning is when I usually feel Quite The Thing.)

Let's see if I can make sense of this, now.

I was talking to my friend (my very gentle and smart friend) the other day. I was telling her that I was somewhat freaking about Math. Math, of all things!
Trevelyn's not doing any math. Trevelyn is not practicing any math. I'm worried about his math skills.
Now me being Me, I started to add things to it in my head. Things that didn't belong.
Things like "He's watching too much cartoon network!" "And playing so many games on cartoon network!" And even the dreaded "he can't possibly be learning anything!" :)
(lol - I'm an idiot, sometimes.)

So as I was talking to my friend, and admitting that I could logically see that he wasn't just watching cartoons (I do have OLM, after all), I was still somewhat panicking.
And I even said to her... "I know that he can learn seven or eight or even ten years of (school) math in a couple of months, but still!...."
(Further evidence of my obtuseness and refusal to see reason.)

Now let me even say here that one; Trev had a love affair with Cartoon Network about a year and a half ago. It lasted for about six weeks. And though I fretted and bit my nails about it, I didn't interfere. And guess what? After it was over, he turned off the television, looked up, and had a whooooole bunch of new vocabulary words, interests, and things he wanted to learn about.
Things I never would have thought to bring up, as they're not a part of my not-quite-still-thirty something-years of education.
And the second variable to this that my logical (and unschooling believing) mind tells me is that he had a long boycott of Cartoon Network (entirely his own idea, I had no opinion on the matter) not too long ago, and is just soaking it up because it's become interesting again.

As I was talking with my friend, I mentioned that I was really bothered that we didn't have our Math 1-2 game anymore. It was a huge hit with both Trev and I - a really fun game, and it taught concepts in a way that he easily understood. Fractions? Not a problem. Tens and hundreds? Check!
The last time we went to play this game, it wouldn't work. I uninstalled it, and fiddled with it, (both on mylaptop, and on the Vista desktop - where it had worked before, both), to no avail. So I assumed the disc was scratched or ruined. And I decided the other day (a day or two before my conversation with my friend) to try again. But I can't find it. Did it get broken, and we threw it away?

So since we love it - Trev really does, too - I was of a mind to replace it. And that's when the wigginess started to escalate. He doesn't wanna play JumpStart! (there is Math there, you know [rolls eyes at herself]) he's not doing things that I can cross of my Academia List! Which only exists in my Fearful imagination.
I also mentioned to her that I couldn't find his Star Wars Clone Wars leapster game. Which happens to be math-based. Which he also loves.

So, Gentle Friends... besides the fact that I'm mad (You're Quite Mad, you know, we like to say around here) we can conclude that the answer is always the same for me.... Resources.
When I look at it logically (I've finally come to the place where I can do that) and I ask myself "Do you want to make Trevelyn do math?" The answer is "Of course not."
Carried further:
Why not?
What would be the point?
Do you want him to want to do math, then?
Not particularly.
Why not?
And the now very logical and smart Me says "Because Math is just a part of the growing process. Making sense of the world. As he finds it useful, and as he is curious about things, he'll come to it on his own.
So where is Your responsibility here, or what do you do now?
I can make sure that we have a new copy of Math 1-2 soon (because he loves it). And provide him with other games. And make sure that we have lots of tools and interesting manipulatives at the ready - things that intrigue, excite, and enthuse us by discovery.
I can open the doors and windows wide, point out the way to interesting places and ideas and tools, and say "There." and "Here."
Here is the world. Just for you. I'm here to help as often and as soon as you need it. I do not doubt your capability, and I shall not limit you with my own judgments and limitations.
It's all here for you. Take it as you need it.

And I can mean it, and embrace it.
And return to the magic and joy.

shining light upon Discord

It seems that many things are wacky?.. going awry?.... off?..... discordant! right now.
There's been lots of disharmony with Trev, I'm edgy, I shout just because I can and want to instead of coming from a place of authenticity and peace.
Re-acting instead of Creating.
No good.

I guess I'll start with sharing the problem highlighted by Trev - I'm hoping to come to a definitive place of understanding.
He's an emotional little boy. Period. He comes by it honest - both of his parents are, as well.
In his ...uh, vigor.... he often has melt-downs. Like when he puts on pants over his shoes. Or when he tries to put his shoes on and can't get them on. Or socks. Or like yesterday when he went to the hill next to our house to slide down, he became terribly upset because there's lots of new snow and it wasn't icy anymore, and the slide needed to be "built", if you see what I mean.
In our house we hear lots of wails -sung by him- of "Ooooh, this is The Worst Day, ever!" Sometimes (often!) several times a day.
Now, for a Mama that believes with everything she is in making sure her children are happy, and providing a magical childhood (life base) for said children, these sentiments (shouted and wailed, mind you) are rather discomforting at best, and nerve-grating at worst.

Of course it has peaked right now, as I've paid particular attention to it over the last few months.
I'm wise enough to know that my focusing on it is of course pronouncing it, and that my own outbursts are most certainly contributing to the disharmony.

Yesterday I looked at Eric, and voiced my being at a complete loss.
I know what needs to happen -- he needs to be empowered to handle his emotions.
It occurred to me yesterday (when I could finally calm down enough to break it down even a tiny bit) that I am probably encouraging him to think they're HUGE, because my reaction to his outbursts is rather explosive, as I've gotten to the breaking point myself.
What I mean is - since I'm thinking and feeling "Oh God, HereWeGoAgain, what-am-I-gonna-do? Run! Hide!" I'm encouraging him to feel that his emotions are Too Big to handle, and they'll break him.
Which is of course the direct opposite of what I want him to feel and think.
Ya with me?

Unfortunately, I have these same emotions (though I don't usually freak over my shoes), and was not given any tools or wisdom in How To Deal With Them.
So I'm flailing a bit. Er, a lot.

The good news is that I own a copy of Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves, and also Every Day Blessings: The Inner Work of Mindful Parenting. Thanks Jon and Naomi.

Practicing Mindfulness, especially in a Buddhist way, teaches us that the best way to take care of an emotion is to simply Be with it. To experience it, accept it, and to just let it Be.
When I think of such things being in my Store Consciousness, or simply accept it for What It Is, and not as something I've done to myself because I lack skills or wisdom or a mature, rational mind, I can see my emotions without judgment or shame, and they lose their tremendous power.

So in this I come to the first hint of the answer.
Just let it be.
And as already concluded, I need to stop running from it. I need to be centered enough in those moments that I can come from peace, steadfastness, and wisdom in such moments, instead of running from them.
The next part of it is recognizing that it's temporary.
This was a discovery just yesterday. While I was seething and reeling and flailing about trying to figure out what to do (in a permanent sense) I noticed a few minutes later that he was calm, and peaceful, and happily playing again.
Which took its edge off - as I was able to see that it was not The End Of The World for me, either. A biggy, that. It lost some of its potency in that moment. The whole situation lost some of its power.
So I can suppose from this that I also need to recognize that I not only need to let my own emotions Just Be -and in doing so I am taking care of them- but that I need to allow his emotions to Just Be. Thereby taking better care of him.
I don't freak over his outbursts, I show him that feelings are not the end of the world, and I show him that I can handle his.
Seems right.

I mean, what else is there? I've been trying it different ways for thirty-s0mething years, and I can liken it to trying to get a mountain stream to channel up the mountain, as there is a village up there whom is in need of the water. I can curse it and plow it and scream at it all I want, but the damned river isn't going to travel up. That goes against its very nature.
No more than I can try to get rid of my emotions.

The best and healthiest thing to do is to let them lie, and to center myself in such a way that I don't find them to be overwhelming or shameful.

In this then, is one of the places where I found the need to get Into the Still.

operation: sparkle (or) Sacred Life Monday

As I was hanging up laundry on the line, I noticed this.Which made me think of this.

It caused me to be present enough to realize that while life with the babes right now is super sparkly and fun, an important part of me has been ignored - abandoned.
It's been run over with all the noise. Yada yada.

I'm not creating out of thin air.
I'm not living mindfully and intentionally.
I'm not smiling to myself over synchronistic or serendipitous happenings.
I'm not hearing the song on the wind, or even the whisperings of my own soul.
I've been living my life on auto-pilot.

Which means there's no magic.

I've missed the true joys that can only come from a spirit knowing itself and creating.
I'm so glad I've remembered my Self.

Next!

I'm not sure what I want to say.
Something interesting happened earlier today.
I've found myself over and over again in this funk the last few days.
Irritable, impatient, offended.
Yesterday I considered that some of it might be that I feel powerless.
Today I had the thought that more specifically, it's "time is a-wastin'."
I called Trev in from the front yard to get on his shoes for our adventure (for the second or third time), and Annabelle, and they mosied around, looking around, stopping to smell the daisies along the way to coming inside the house, and I somehow nailed it, and voiced "My life is wasting away, Trev." I meant it as an exaggerated complaint of his slow motion meandering, but then I realized that's what I was feeling. And in much of my life, lately.

There is so much to do, and so little time in which to do it. (You know, with the always perfectly tidy and clean house thing, and learning to walk on water.)

That's the mindset that I need to change.

I need to step out of the tumultuous "do or die", "now or never", these thousand things must all be done Right This Minute mindset from which I've been reacting. And reacting is exactly what I've been doing.

It's partly the laundry, partly the dishes, partly the stack of mail (emails and blogs as well as paper), but I'm drowning in (once again!) being consumed with arriving at the end, and not enjoying the journey.
Which pisses me off because I know better.

I'm attached, I've been living for another (more peaceful?) moment, and not finding what I need in this one.
And I think that's it. (When I saw it I recognized it.)
I'm living solely for another (different) peaceful moment.
Maybe that one will give it to me, 'cause it ain't in this one.

When I was stumbling around in my head today (when we were getting ready to walk to the library, after I said that to Trev) kicking things and turning over stones, waving away the cobwebs, and trying to air the dusty and dark place out, I had the thought "You need to walk."
"You need to meditate every day, and you need to practice walking meditations, again."

I remembered something I wrote here a little while back, something that might give me a clue on how to do that -fix my head-, and I searched back until I found it.
"You can't get there, you can only be there."

Everyone ready? Let's go to the library....

(this is a conversation I had with my Self, in case you're new to my ways. Er - head.)
Okay. I need help.
Alright, what do you need?
I don't like this place.
I don't blame you. I wouldn't like it, either.
What do I do?
You know what to do.
Change my mind.
Yes. Just change your mind.
Alright. Here I go. Without tools. Without fanfare. Without any sort of ritual or symbolic cleansing.... I'm done with it.
So be it.

And there it went. There it went, Friends. Just like that.

Inside the library there were two Episodes that might have gone quite differently.

One, Trev was over in the adult section looking for non-fiction dinosaur books (non-fiction adult and juniors are mixed together) and I was on the next aisle.
"Could you move, and move those books, please, so that you're not blocking the aisle?" I hear in a somewhat snooty voice.
I went over and saw Trev a bit frustrated, and he said "Rrrr, I hate it when people boss me around!"
"I know, Bud. But people need to get by. Let's move these over here. Here, Squirt, move over to this side, so no one trips."
Not an alarming occurrence, certainly. But I had no feelings about it. I wasn't embarrassed. I wasn't irritated with Trev for growling at the librarian. I wasn't bothered or offended by a snooty librarian.

A few minutes later (Lord, he's got it down!) he chose the same librarian's desk to slap out his frustration on her counter. I turned in time to see her blast him with The Look.
I went over.
"Hey, Bub. You alright? What's up?"
"uh..."
"Are your frustrated or angry about something, or do you just have lots of energy to spend?"
"I was just filled with chaos."
"I see. Why don't you go outside, and run on the ramp? I'm just going to finish checking out these books, and then we'll walk home."

Again.
No emotion. No irritation. No grumpiness. It just is what it is, and it's No Big Deal.

It's actually hard to imagine a different scenario now... I mean.... how else could it have possibly turned out? That's the only way it could turn out.
But these last few days... it could have been quite different. Not my words, probably, but my inner turmoil and my emotions. I could have added his actions onto The Pile Of Offenses. I could have started a new one of Hers.
Ridiculous, I know, but that's been my experience, lately.


And now for even more delicious Goodness.... the books I found today are How to Expand Love: Widening the Circle of Loving Relationships, and How To See Yourself As You Really Are. Both by His Holiness, the Dalai Lama.

Blessings to you, Friends.
And to Me.

in this quiet place

Last night and again this morning while lying in bed I was thinking about the last week - particularly, in regards to walking, being present, and meditation.

It is so incredible the changes that have come to be.

I spoke a few days ago of getting mad (irritated) three times that day and being able to step outside of it, almost as it was happening, with only a slight delay. (Like I was stepping outside myself and the situation.)

I've grumped about something three times since then. Not shouted, mind you, not pissed, not angry, just slightly-to-medium annoyed. Three times since then. That was.... a week ago. Last Monday. I've gotten slightly annoyed three times in the last week. !
One was three or four days ago, and I don't remember even what it was.
One was I think Friday night when Eric got home after work (he works nights on Friday) and Trev was still up and I was sleeping on the couch and they were talking, and woke me up, and then Trev whispered in this loud stage whisper, and I was further annoyed, and then I realized (even in my delirium) and said "I'm sorry, Bud, it's not your fault, I know you're trying to be quiet, I'm just grumpy because I want to sleep." A first for me, to be sure. I'm never sane when being woken up.
Then last night Eric woke me up (fell asleep on the couch again), asking if I wanted to wake up and go to bed, and I grumped (I was snipey then, admittedly) at him about a few things.
The funny thing about that is, I noticed even then that instead of it being something that I normally experience, it was so foreign to me. Even as I was grumping at him, I was thinking "What is this? This isn't mine!"

Yesterday when we got back from skiing I was in a bit of a slump, not angry, just didn't feel very good, for some reason.
I just sat for a minute, and breathed, and acknowledged the feelings of not well-being, and then a few minutes later it had passed. Just like that.

All of this is so amazing to me.
It's like I'm the same Me, but I'm -at least half of me- a completely different person.
Like a huge part of me, and who I have always been, has been transformed. Not into something totally different and foreign, but.... I don't know. Better. Lighter. Maybe unattached is a good description. My responses are different. My reactions. It's like their mute. That's it! It's like my reactions (which I have courted and carried my entire life, and are pretty predictable) have been muted. Like someone hits the Pause button.

How can that be?

How is it that meditation, and practicing mindfulness (whenever I remember) -which just means right now to be aware of my breathing and all of my self- can make a such a huge difference in my every day (every moment) life?

Maybe it's other things, too.

Maybe it's that I have intended this, and now I have manifested it.

Maybe it's that I am taking care of myself all the way around. I take fish oil, St John's Wort :), Green Tea capsules (I drink it, but I've started taking it, too), and a vitamin for women.
I've been walking for at least an hour most days. (love love love that.)

A few days ago I got in the mail a book and card package that I had ordered. (Ask and It Is Given are the cards, by Esther and Jerry Hicks.)
One of the cards says

"There is tremendous value when you are able to deliberately cause even the slightest improvement in the way you feel, for even in that small emotional improvement, you may have regained a measure of control. You no longer feel powerless. And so, your trek back up the Emotional Scale is now not only possible, but it is relatively easy."

That's how it began, maybe. With an intent. With deliberation and liberation. With uttering the words two months ago, "I am done with this."
Maybe with those words I caused the initial slightest improvement.

Maybe all that studying and listening and reading has finally sunk in, and I am aligning myself properly (with my thoughts and actions) with what it is that I desire to manifest for myself.

It appears that in this quiet place I am re-creating myself.
How astonishing.
And how lovely.

march 18

I've been asking "why mindfulness?"
Because, you know... why is always my question. And if the answer makes no sense to me, then I'll make my choices as I choose. Authority, or no.

So I listen and I listen and I listen.
And the first thing I hear (many days later, after listening) is "the kingdom of God is in a mustard seed" said Jesus. And what he meant, of course, is that what you nurture and water and take care of is what grows. (ie if you place that mustard seed in damp soil, and water it, and nurture it, then pretty soon it is a great tree, and a home for much life.) So watering the seeds of happiness would be much more helpful to someone that wanted to live in happiness. As opposed to watering the seeds of anger.
Right. I've understood this for a long time. Check. Got it. Mindfulness comes in handy, here.

The second thing I heard (even a day later after listening and listening and listening some more) is "Happiness can only be found in the present moment." Yes. Agreed. "You can only enjoy the blue sky in the present moment."
Also something that I've understood for quite some time. I get that. That's pretty much what recognizing the Ordinary Life Magic is about. Check.

So yesterday I was going along, thinking and wondering, and I thought... Is that it?
I mean, isn't there going to be some Great Esoteric Understanding?
What greatness to be found in Being Awake? (Please understand that I am not making fun, here, but sincerely questioning.)
It's the same question, for me, of why meditate? I mean - I do it, (I've meditated on and off for many years, and I believe it's a permanent part of my life, now) I love it, but why am I doing it? Particularly, what does this thirty (or however long) minutes of peace do for me in the whole of my life? Outside of that thirty minutes? I know that it's important... I'm just not certain why it's important.

And then yesterday (remember that I've spent the last few days practicing walking meditation - which means engaging in mindfulness, as well as little moments throughout the day) I experienced a couple of things.
One, I reacted (I might have shouted "Hey!", or something) to something one of the children did. I don't remember, now. And directly afterward, I automatically stepped outside myself.
Huh, I thought. Why did you do that (react the way I did)?
I'm not sure. But this experience (meaning stepping outside of it) we are having now is interesting.
And then it happened again. And another time.
It's like time stopped, and I was able to witness what was going on from a non-judgmental viewpoint, like I was observing from outside of the situation.
I would say here, I'll be damned, but that seems inappropriate. :)
Huh.

So life carries on, and then I start to remember other things. That "All you can do is take care of this moment. There is no other."

Then I start to think of all the listening I've been doing over the last few months, and how once in a while a focus point will stand out, and be directly helpful (such as meditating on Be Creativity, Be Beauty, Be Kindness, Be Love, Be Abundance, Be Ever Expansive, Be Receptivity), but for the most part it's the living and the contemplating and the all-of-a-sudden Being in which I've found the shifts.
They're not always obvious, or even apparent.
It's like (typing and thinking very slowly, here)
the road
- or The Way*, maybe :) -
can't
be named,
or even contemplated,
or chased,
it can
only be experienced
and found
in a Moment.

Hmmm.

So that leads me to - You mean, just by being mindful of what is happening in various 'now' moments, I will be better prepared for all present moments?
That engaging in meditation and mindfulness shall aid me in observing (from a distance) what is happening in a non-reactive way?
How cool is that? (if I find it to be so.)

What I am thinking is -experiencing the moment must, then, be done in (and with) spirit.
Stepping outside (leaving judgment, interpretations, and feelings of offense - all ego) must engage (bring to the forefront) Spirit. Spirit must lead the way.
That can only be good.
Spirit seeks to create.
Soul longs to experience.
I get to choose my experiences.
I get to experience Oneness.
I get to live a glorious life,
while being with God.

I leave you with Hafiz (From the wondrous collection I Heard God Laughing):

You Better Start Kissing Me

Throw away
All your begging bowls at God's door,

For I have heard the Beloved
Prefers sweet threatening shouts,

Something on the order of:

"Hey, Beloved,
My heart is a raging volcano
Of love for you!

You better start kissing me--
Or Else!"

Namaste.


*This was a reference to The Tao Te Ching, (quite by accident) which is often called the Way.
The very first verse is:
The Tao that can be told is not the eternal Tao.
The name that can be named is not the eternal name.
The nameless is the beginning of heaven and earth.
The named is the mother of ten thousand things.
Ever desireless, one can see the mystery.
Ever desiring, one can see the manifestations.
These two spring from the same source but differ in name;
this appears as darkness.
Darkness within darkness.
The gate to all mystery.

wandering

I was discussing walking through the neighborhood with Eric this morning, and he said something like "I love walking." And I thought I never have. "I would if we lived in the country...." I said, trying to put my finger on what was different about my enthusiasm for my walks the last couple of mornings.
"You know what it is?" I said, half to him, half to myself, "It's that I'm not walking just to be walking. I'm not walking out of duty, for exercise. I'm walking to practice Mindfulness."
And that's it.
I have an intention.

Part of my road to mastery is learning profound mindfulness, and being able to put things (anger, frustration, intense doubt) aside for a few moments in order to regain mindfulness.
It seems a fitting practice toward achievement of the things I intend to become.

So that's it.
Other things - fitness, feeling like I've made a token commitment to exercise, or to my physical well being - those things are not priorities. Well, not at the top, anyway. Most times other things can serve my body and spirit just as easily - a clean kitchen floor, a tidy desk area for computer play, picked up bedrooms that just beg for a rolicking half hour or so of pretend play, on and on it goes.
But spiritual wellfare? Mastery?

Well, that's different.
That, my friends, tops the list.
Being a good Mama -- which means less stressed, more able to bite off what wants to come out of my mouth in the name of reaction, and more able to laugh and shine - not to mention being an able representative of what my spirit wants for me - that is what it's all about.

I'm not wandering out of drudgery.
I'm walking (and waking) in Mindfulness.
Being aware and intent in every step - literal and mystical - that I take.

ego

When I typed that in, I typed in "dgo". Maybe that would be better. :)

I think I've pretty well got it figured out.
Mostly.

It gets easy to judge whether or not your actions come from ego.

I've had to really pay attention to the things I say, how they come out of my mouth, and really consider where it came from.
Sometimes (typically) the answer has been "because I wanted to demonstrate that I knew better than that."
Aaah, ego, then.
Stupid stuff.
Stuff that doesn't even mean anything - other than to point out to myself that I am better, or wiser, or more aware, or more conscientious, or better informed.
Not that these things (where one is upon his or her path) are insignificant - certainly they are not. What I mean is, I might give my answer or response in a snotty way (if only in my head), feeling that I am above some one or some thing else.
I don't even mean displaying arrogance, for most of the time it just happens in my head.

I'm pretty much astounded how often it happens. That I say or do things from that place.
In everyday stupid situations, even. It's ridiculous.

The trouble I was having in understanding it was that I couldn't separate the individual from the ego. Or dgo.
It seemed to me that without ego, we'd all blend into the same homogenized glob of nothingness.

I've since come to realize (since witnessing my doing and saying things from the point of ego) that there is more to Us than just That.
Since I know that All There Is wants only to express Itself (or Herself or Himself), and to experience All There Is instead of just understanding that It is All There Is, then to have Us be the exact same - sans ego - would be pretty pointless.
I mean - we have to be made of substance other than just ego.
Some of us are very, very serious (time after time, I believe). Some of us like to lead. Some of us love to make people laugh. Some of us find our hearts belong to animals. Or the hills. Or the sky. Or to the stars. Some of us long to dance. Some of us want to paint the streets of Paris, or fields of flowers, or ships on the horizon. Some of us want to be a Peace Pilgrim. Or a nun in Calcutta. Some of us imagine ourselves to be Gentlemen Pirates. Or farmers. Or opera singers.

So I've come to have a little more trust in God, I think. (I had a rather vast amount before, mind you, but somehow I believed that ultimately God wanted to take me away from myself.)
It occurs to me now - even as I sit here - that God (All There Is) has no need to take me away from myself - but that God is perfectly willing to allow me to be Me infinitely, as I am not actually separate, at all, but only in individualized part of All There Is. I am not and cannot be separated from It.
So God is missing nothing.
And God experiences everything.

And now I'm getting quite serious about kicking this ego of mine out of my business, and looking forward to the rewards for living my life even more on purpose.
Which will, of course, involve wondrous things like synchronicity. And manifesting. And greater intuition. And much more peace.
And "discovering that you're a greater person by far, than you even imagined yourself to be."

I Am, I Said

:) It so happens that I love that song. You can put a few of Neale Diamonds among my new wave and folk and classical and punk and bluegrass and operatic and reggae and rebel country (Johnny Cash and Willie Nelson) and meditation and favorite hippie songs.

A friend said something about this subject, and I wanted to clarify some things for her, as well as for myself so that I might continue solidly along this new Road to Mastery on which I imagine myself to be.

When I said yesterday that I have arrived - I might have given the impression that that means another stupid or shouting word shall never come out of my mouth. I wish! - but that certainly isn't true (well, maybe it is, I'll not be damning myself with saying it's impossible - but I would be very surprised). :)
And when I said that I've made a shift from "I want this to be a part of my life - I want to live in gentleness and kindness, abundance and gratitude, presence and awareness, service and graciousness", I didn't mean that I woke up Being these things automatically.

What I meant was for the first time instead of constantly reaching for it, I have consciously decided to Be it.
It probably sounds ridiculously simple to many people ("Well, of course if you want to Be Kind, then you just Be Kind!"), but for me it was a long process (of probably about twenty-two years) to make that leap.
For me there was all this other stuff in the way.
A big one was of course being angry. I think once I got that one out of the way I was free to begin to grasp this idea.

The second one is one that I have written about often, lately, and that is judgment. I cannot Be kind because I did this other thing three seconds ago that was not kind. Therefore I am not yet ready to Be Kind. I don't have what it takes. I have all this other garbage (like anger) inside me that prevents me from being this other.
Judgment is so damning. Judgment of others, judgment of our children, judgment of our selves - it hurts greatly our spirit. It keeps us from living in light and love.

If I want to live my life On Purpose - which means that I live according to my spirit, and that I am constantly consciously creating and being and recognizing and listening and evolving and expanding - then I need to reside in a place that says "I Am Love. I Am Kindness. I Am Abundance. I Am God (which I believe is the ultimate quest of the soul)."

How do I do that?
I just Be it.
It may be (initially) that I act with love and peace only once out of twelve interactions throughout my day. But that still confirms my Being. Some might say "So what? Anyone can be kind once a day!" And I say of course we can - the difference in my Being Kind is that I have shifted my head from "I can't" (because I was only capable of doing it the once) to "I Am."
I'm not saying that I've never been a kind and loving person, I have my moments. :) But the consideration that I Am what I want to be has always eluded me. It's always been out there somewhere [waves hand over head into the cosmos], something to attain when I am Good Enough.
And now -- Now I know that if I want to experience it, all that remains is that I Be it.
The frequency doesn't matter in this particular moment - that's just details. I know that since my focus is now on this certain thing (in my case it's a lot of things - abundance, kindness, love, beauty, gentleness, expansiveness) that there is nothing to do but to grow more and more into these things every day. Every moment I shall Become more and more - because I now believe it is what I Am. (and not all of those other contradicting things that I considered myself to be before.)
Isn't that remarkable?

One last thing that I think allowed me to make this shift was servitude - in the sense of "we come with nothing (no thing) and we leave with no thing, and all we can do is give our life away".
I've always sort of shied (um, rebelled, maybe would be a more appropriate word) away from the thought of servitude. I think it comes from the whole "We Are One" thing, and how I'm not yet ready to get rid of my ego. Losing my ego (to me) means losing my Self, and I am not yet ready to blend into (quietly and graciously) The All yet. I'm really enjoying expressing and being my Individual Self at the moment.
But in listening to one of my lectures the other day I was trying to skip over :) the idea of "How may I serve?" and get to the other stuff - when he (Dr. Wayne Dyer, this one was...The Secrets of the Power of Intention) started talking about how "giving our life away" can mean saying a kind word to someone. It means putting aside my own agenda when someone is in need. It means wanting love and peace for someone else more than I want it for my self. It means sending someone loving and kind thoughts and wishes that I am having struggles with.
That is servitude.
Oh! Well I can do that! And gladly, even. :)

You see? Three huge obstacles were in my way, and I didn't even know it.

So knowing and acknowledging these things has placed me upon my path to Mastery. Or Enlightenment. Or Becoming. Whatever you'd like to call it.

It astounds me how different I feel.
I feel excited.
Elated, even.
Free.
And like nothing is impossible.
Instead of "one day, when I am good enough, I'll be there" I feel like shouting laughingly "Here I come!"
Or even, quite possibly, "Here I Am!"

anger ... Enlightened

Not too long ago (I really don't know when, I have a really warped sense of time - it could have been last week, could have been a month ago) when I was all bent out of shape about something, I thought Here we go again... I'm taking it out on these poor souls (that share this home with me), and it's not even their problem or fault - I could have prevented this if I had only been more____, yet I am angry and (possibly) shouting and sulking. At THEM.
So... Why?
I am soooo hangin' out with the right people, friends, because in one ear I have Laura whispering her wisdom and insight about prevention, and how well she tames it before it falls out of her mouth, and in another I have Carla, who often shares tales from ancient poets, and quotes things like
"It isn't the things that are happening to us that cause us to suffer,
it's what we say to ourselves about the things that are happening. ~Pema Chödrön
Which isn't really news to me, I've been a studier of various wisdom long enough to know that we get to decide what sort of Universe we live in.
My question is - Why? Why do we (um, Okay, I) blame someone (often anyone and everyone) outside ourselves?
I'm not saying that we should sabotage ourselves. Many of us lie the blame for a great many things at our own feet, and take responsibility for many of the world's problems - deservedly, or not. (Most likely not. Solely, anyway.)
But how to place a bridge over this Huuuuuge gap between the Quietest Voice that says "If you do something now, it will save you much trouble in the end..." and the one that rages against everyone and everything for standing between us and our happiness or even our desperately needed Two Moments of Peace?

Many, many, many (90%?)of my personal troubles come from this gap. Or, vortex, maybe. It sure seems like one most times.
Is it in this space that Enlightenment lies?

Maybe this is one of those Big Truths for me.
That I need to find the smallest space within myself where I can hear Loud and Clear that Quietest Voice. Which is, by the way, to what I was referring when I said "I intend to Listen to my Intuition."
sigh.
It's sooooooo hard to listen to it. It's not even the hearing of it - it's registering it and constantly practicing of Mindfulness, and quieting all the other external noise in order to do so. The children, the laundry, the day-t0-day, the bills, the tires that need to be rotated....
I'm not blaming, you understand, I'm just saying that it requires So Much.

I've got this voice rolling its eyes (can voices roll their eyes???) in my head that is saying "Well, duh! That's what we've been trying to tell you. Every day! Take moments Every Day - in quietness, tranquility, and peace, to Listen. To be in Stillness."
Oh, yeah. That would be meditation, of course.

Retreat.
Retreat....

I've got to think about this some more....

exploring trust

I've often read in ru articles or posts that for many, living ru is about fostering and preserving a loving, genuine relationship with the child.
"My relationship comes first, and I protect that," sort of thing.
I've also read quite a bit about building trust with the child, and sometimes working hard to get some of that trust back.

Mostly I've almost dismissed how imperative these things are. My thinking has been "We have absolutely wonderful relationships!" (Eric, the children and I.)
And we do.
But in delving deeper, considering my relationship with my own mother (which is pretty superficial, by my standards) and considering how childhood pains absolutely stick with you and haunt you far into adulthood - I'd best keep on my toes.

My son has been feeling frustrated lately. The last few days he's just sort of lashed out when something goes awry - and hasn't been able to approach things from a different perspective. Nothing terribly violent, just.... say Maddie is singing a song, like abc's, and she'll sing "abcd, hijk..." and he'll just shout or scream at her "That's not the way it goes!!" (I'm not even all that certain that he's angry - it could be just that I'm more sensitive to it, and it's bothering me. But this speculation comes to me in the writing of it, and not in the last few days....)
Geeez! I think.
So the night before last I took him to his room so we could talk in peace and quiet for a few minutes.
"What's going on, Bud? You feeling really frustrated?"
"Yeah."
"What is it?"
"Well, she just....."
"Hmmm. Well, Maddie is just trying to learn the song, and the best way for her is to practice."
Now here's where the trust comes in....
"Is that really (screaming, hitting, yelling, kicking) the way you want to express yourself?"
Now this can go two ways. If I am judging, and not a real friend, and cannot accept my child and his emotions for What They Are - then this can have a really shaming effect on my child's thinking and emotional health - for many years to come, no doubt.
But - if my child trusts me, and knows that I love him No Matter What - and that the decision is entirely his own - then this leads him to self acceptance, self love, and representing himself best Who He Wants To Be.
So the questions continue - in other situations, not necessarily all of these in this particular conversation- ... Is that the reaction you want? Is that really what you want to do? Is this what makes your heart happy, and how you want to feel?
Trev expressed something like that it was all he could come up with.
"I certainly understand that. Sometimes you just run out, don't you? I run out a lot. I say things and do things that are not what I really want to say or do."

So, then - Trust.
Trust is an imperative part of this particular equation. It is absolutely essential that my children trust me enough to say "Yes! It's what I want to do!" and "Yes! It liberated me!" They need to know the freedom of expressing and releasing their emotions without recriminations.

It's a fine line to walk.
Well, in this beginning of the contemplation of it it's fine.
But as I choose my words carefully while trying to raise my children to be considerate of their decisions and the resulting consequences, I believe the path will become broader and eventually our feet will trod upon it assuredly - sometimes with heavy (and un-careful) stomps, sometimes with daring leaps, and sometimes with light and quick playful dancing steps.
Always knowing we're safe and loved - always knowing that we can trust.

thoughts for the new year

I mentioned that I was contemplating what my word/thought for the new year would be.
What, exactly my intent would be for the coming year.
Aaaah. There you have it, then.

Intent.
It includes, for me, all of the other words I mentioned that resonate with me.
Magic, gentleness, presence, abundance, graciousness, mindfulness.

For a minute I contemplanted Nurture, but that feels like a second or third step on this particular evolutionary trail - it seems that first and foremost I am called to practice Intent.

The trick will be to not get too lost in the hundreds of things that factor into that intent. (And therefore forget about the intent itself.)

At first I thought that it was sort of silly uninspired - to choose only one word for an entire year - but that one one can be so powerful and guiding in so many areas of your life.

Take Listen.
I don't mean to ruin the word for anyone - ie impose my own thoughts upon it- but bear with me.
Listen can mean pay attention to others around you.
It can mean be in tune with nature.
It can mean being intuitive.
It can mean really listening to your spouse.
Your children.
Your friends.
Your loved ones.
It can mean to be quiet and be still.
To listen within.
Listen to your heart.
Your body.
Your spirit.
The birds song, the whisper on the wind, the song on the radio, the call of the wild.

There are hundreds of things - thoughts and feelings that one powerful (resonating) word can evoke.

Mine, then, is intent.
Tto get really clear then - here are the laws of intention for me.
I've mentioned this posting in my room downstairs more than once (it comes from Dr. Wayne Dyer).
It bears repeating, I love it so.

What this one word says to me (implementing these seven tools) is to pay attention to what I am doing. Be mindful. Be present. It includes the sublime - being aware of the quests of my spirit; as well as the more practical -be engaged in my conversations with my children, my interactions with our dog, being conscious of either stepping over (or on) or picking up something that might best be put away, practicing care with the things and people around me.
Noticing if/when my actions are resonating best and highest with Whom I Want To Be, and how I want to represent myself and my ideals.
It means being authentic.
It means deliberateness.
It means living while being fully engaged.

A very powerful idea, then.
Indeed, for me a word to live by.

(this post relates to New Year and New Resolve.)

Mothering... Naturally

I just had a thought.

Within the current unschooling discussion on my local homeschooling list, one person brought up a question, something like "Why is okay for another to 'teach' your child, and not you?" The question wasn't posed to me, but another.
I didn't think much of it (read: it never arrived to the forefront of my mind) until now.

Teaching is something I don't consciously do. I see it as throwing marshmallows. (Just in case you're not familiar with the term, many unschoolers subscribe to the philosophy that "teaching" a child something - what you think he should know before he chooses to learn it - is really just pounding something temporarily into his head. "It's like throwing marshmallows at his head and calling it 'eating'.")

Not too long ago, Eric (dh) took Trev fishing with him, they met our friend and his son, who is of a similar age to Trev.
At the end of the day, when it was time to go home, Trev just had a melt-down. He was inconsolable because they had not caught any fish.
He just couldn't let it go.
"Look, things aren't always going to go your way," said other six-year-old.
Our friend made a comment to Eric akin to "you need to spend more time with him - he's a Mama's boy," in the kindest way possible.
Eric was a bit concerned about it, wondering if Trev wasn't as equipped as he might be to handle life's woes. He was also concerned that maybe Trev needed exposure to folks outside of our same-thinking philosophy.

I went back and forth on this one for quite a while. Still do, probably. Not that our friend's observation had merit, of course!, just Should I ever speak to him, again? :)

My son plays computer games that have requirements - ie, you have to complete level one before you move on to level two.
I don't necessarily mind it.
Many games operate on reward systems. Stickers, trophies, leadership keys, etc.
Whatever, I think.
In this aspect, I am quite comfortable with letting another teach my children.

So what's the difference???

I've mentioned before that Amanda of Soule Mama said something relatively recently about her not being too keen on parenting books, because they don't focus on the heart of parenting - ie practicing being mindful.
I thought it was a beautiful statement, and quite liberating.

Today, as I have these thoughts drifting and flashing through my head, I begin to consider a few things.

Well, in response to the question "why is it okay for another to teach your child?" and "What do you consider natural circumstances?, for you are responsible for the groceries, too, so that is a circumstance that you've imposed" a few things come to mind.

First is - Well, I have no desire to protect him from everything.
Secondly, I cannot even begin to provide my child with every possession and experience on this planet, in order for him to choose what suits him, and what does not.
I do consider these hindrances natural circumstances.
I know my children.
I pay attention to their likes and dislikes.
The point is not to remove all limits and challenges of life, but to be supporting as I am able amidst those challenges (including my own preferences that may be conflicting).

Following this trail of thoughts is... (a doozy)
So what about your mother, then?
Why do you feel it necessary to correct the way she interacts with your children, and why do you get angry at her for not being more open-minded?
(keep in mind that while my mother has issues, she would never, I don't believe, abuse physically or emotionally my children.)

Isn't She a natural circumstance, also?

Yes.
Yes, actually, she is.

And now... as we're back from getting our tree, these thoughts to be continued tomorrow. :)

God's Rusty Car and Broken Furnace

So my question was - would God ever purchase a new car?
This is an impossible question, of course. It twisted my brain.

But after I dropped a drink on my laptop - on the Very Same Day that I had gotten it back via air-mail from the Dell repair center now with a new keyboard and system board (for pretty much the same thing) and considering I had been talking to a friend about Shit Happens, and whether or not that's true, just an hour before - I had to ask myself - "Why?" for the hundredth or so time in the last few months.

So I started going off on a little impossible tangent. (grin) Asking myself the really tough questions.
If God lived in a house, I supposed, would He ever have to replace His furnace?
Do things Just Happen?
If God wasn't paying attention, would Her car break down? (Course, God could fix it as soon as it happened, but still...) Do machines have their own minds? Well, not minds, of course, but... momentum, maybe....
The absurd questions went on and on through my head.

Somewhere along the trail I got into a different space - a place that asked not Why this? but one of What now? Not a "what the hell is next?" kind of thought, but in a "how do I feel about this?" sort of way.
I think I've come to the conclusion that while I very well may have brought these occurrences to myself (of course I did, if not me, then who?)- I'm not so sure the Why? (are these specific things happening) matters anymore.
Somehow I believe I've managed to let it go. I am considering that the answer to Why? might just be because you need to change your mind about your reality.
And - You are judging these things as "bad", as you are judging a great many things as "Bad" right now in your life - and We (the tree stumps and "ahems" and taps to the shoulder - in the name of God and spiritual evolution) are trying to get you to Change Your Mind, and to Change Your Perception of Reality.

The whole thing goes way beyond the second full drink being spilled into a delicate and expensive piece of electrical equipment.
Mostly it's about me judging Me.
About I deserve this.
About having a fatalistic attitude because I'm not measuring up. Being angry at myself because I am not entirely the person I'd like to be. (shrug) Which means perfect.
Such an attitude also spills over into my judgments of my children and their actions though I've been pretty good about that, lately. Well, mostly.

A new email/yahoo group was started in my area for secular homeschoolers.
Someone whom I have not met said something about "I don't want to be judged."
I wrote back a bit about myself and my family, and said "I will consider it a Grand Accomplishment if upon my deathbed I can say that I judge no one or no thing in this world and find it lacking (ie judge it as 'bad' or 'wrong')."

Then I really started thinking about it, and I thought "Well, that's a hell of an accomplishment."
Indeed, should I manage it in this life, I believe it shall be one of my greatest ones.

Melissia (she shrinks when I mention her name, but I feel like I'm being elusive when I don't mention specifics) and I were talking yesterday, and at the end of our conversation I said something about pretty much disdaining religion.
I have a hard time with accepting something that someone else lays out for you; for the most part I think folks should do the hard work themselves, and find the answers within.
Then she said something about how she didn't think that most religious people are unaccepting of others' truths, or others' ways, or blindly accepting of their religion's teachings.
In my head, I vehemently objected to this observation, as I haven't found that to be my experience at all.
I feel like most religious folks believe they are the only bearers of the Keys to Heaven.
That they know the only Truth, and therefore all others' ways are false.
That bothers me.
It bothers me equally as much that often times I believe that I know better than most, too.
More often than not, though, lately, I've found more similarities than differences in the Pursuit of Spiritual Evolution. Maybe that's a good beginning.
Most folks want a greater communion with God. Or the All. Alla, Buddha, Krishna, etc.
Most folks want to be true to their hearts.
Most folks want peace in their spirit.

So after I told Melissia of my disdain, I started wondering if it were true. Do I really believe that religious folks are mindless?
And unaccepting of all others ways?
What is it exactly that I object so strongly to?

Judgment, of course.
It's one of those crazy twisty "I detest intolerant people" feelings. Makes no sense at all.
But maybe I can find peace in the commonalities. Maybe I can get past the verbiage to the intent behind the words, and find brotherhood.

These are all parts of my quest.
To wholly, fully, completely, gently, lovingly, and unconditionally accept my children for Who They Are.
To accept the souls around me (in the world at large) for Who They Are.
To embrace the events that I most assuredly bring into my life for What They Are (and to remember it's not the events themselves that are "bad", but how I judge the events).

My life (experience) comes from how and what I think about a thing.
I believe I'm being led toward If you don't like where you are, or where you are headed, then Change Your Mind.
Change your mind.
Change your thoughts.
Change your heart.
Change your Self.
And remember that you have an eternity to do it.

freedom from judgment

I've written about this a lot over the last year.
After a rather extraordinary and astounding mishap last night (promise to tell you later, it has to do with Question") I have begun to think - again - "What in tarnation is this trying to tell me, and what does it have to do with my life?"
I am getting to a point now, that I am wondering if the answer isn't "Your judgments about the thing are bringing your reality."
Which of course I know - that we all create our own reality with our thoughts about any given situation or thing, ie - we can choose to go through life as anything we wish - a victim, a martyr, a leader, a zen master, a philosopher, a sycophant - whatever takes our fancy.
As Melissia and I were discussing last night, some of us choose to believe that we were put on this earth to suffer, and maybe even that we are challenged to be happy with that suffering, others of us believe life should be celebrated as joyfully as possible.

I think I am being called to face my own judgments.
I don't mean the ones that have me mumbling "jackass!" to the idiot driver next to me, though I'd certainly do well to lose those, but the judgments about my self, my children, my life, and my reality.
I've told you before that I believe if there is something to be learned, you'll get a tap on the shoulder, followed by an "ahem", followed by maybe a tree root sticking out to trip you up a bit, slowing you down long enough take note of your surroundings - eventually, arriving with a brick to the back of your head, if necessary.
It's somewhere between the tree root and the brick that I find myself currently. Maybe like the tree root sent me flying into a deep pit, and I have to figure out exactly where I am, and how exactly I am going to get out.
Not that I feel punished. I do not.
I actually am quite comfortable in this place, and am finding it not so bad. Like I am observing the pit itself with a non judging eye, and not fighting to get out at all. Rather taking note of the things the walls of dirt and tree roots have to tell me, wondering if there are any interesting rocks or stones or other treasures to be found.

Here's what happened: I dropped a glass of beer on my laptop last night. I was standing over it (no, I wasn't drunk, thank you very much! :) ) and it just fell straight down, through my fingers. Exploded (the beer, not the glass) all over the open notebook.
Within a quarter-second I had flipped it over, had it unplugged from the wall, and had the power jack unplugged from the machine.
My dad called right at that time. I was still in a state of utter disbelief. (He had called me back, we were discussing the ill state of my desktop that I had sent to him for repairs) "You're kidding," he said. "No, I'm not." "Did you cry?" "I haven't even had time, yet." "Was it just water?" Gulp. "Oh, no. It was beer." "Oh, God," he said." Oh, God is exactly what I was thinking. "Take out the battery."
"Go to AutoZone, and get this stuff called CRC QD Electrical Cleaner. Take it apart as far as you can (again), cover up the screen to protect it (again), spray it out, letting it run out the side that got the most wet, put it under the lamp (again!) and let it dry out 'til morning."
Frankly, I was too stunned to even imagine a moment beyond turning on my machine this morning. I couldn't imagine what I'd say to Dell, couldn't imagine that the stuff would actually save my machine.
Last night my resulting post of "Question" was written on Trev's machine.

And this morning? This morning I am writing while sitting sideways in my wing-backed chair in the livingroom, machine on my lap, legs over the side of the chair and feet on the end table. Wondering if I should have a cuppa hot cocoa/coffee or iced tea.

Thinkin' about God, and wondering if Her car ever gets rusty.
But that's a tale for later...

Practicing Mindfulness: Recalibrating

I was up from one until almost five last night reading.
Reading on boards, mostly.
I started to write yesterday about getting to the bottom of a couple of things that I'm missing - but I wasn't quite able to say what I wanted, or get to a place of conclusion.
I think maybe the reading was an external search for what I was trying to figure out.

Somehow I believe truth always comes from the inside, best from experiencing still waters, yet it seems that I'm often led to it from something outside of myself.
Maybe it's like second and third chances - if you can't/don't get it in absolute stillness, then you get lots of hints all around you - and eventually even a brick to the head.
I have not receives any bricks to my head (lately), just so you know.
Hopefully by exploring this topic I'll be able to avoid them.

A couple of days ago I was reading about grabbing and sharing, and conflict resolution. At first it appeared to me that the discussing parents were siding with whichever side of the dilemma their child most often found themselves (quite naturally). If they were apt to be the grabber or the grabee, if you will.
My hackles rose a bit, and I sided -though not voiced- with the child that originally had the toy.
Everyone agreed that there needed to be lots of validating feelings, and coming to a solution that was acceptable to all.
After thinking about it further (and being unsatisfied with labeling a grabbing child as "wrong" or "bad"), I saw clearly that I needed to recalibrate.

I think one of the reasons that I've had a bit of trouble with the writing of this post and getting these thoughts in order (ahem - most of yesterday and all day today) is because it hasn't emerged all the way. I wasn't sure exactly where I was trying to go, or for what I was searching. But this does relate to things that have been in my head, so I'm trying to put all of it together.
Of course initially my response after "I can see that you really want to play with that" is "let's find you another toy, and give this back to your brother - you can have it when he is done."
It seems fair.

But I am now reminded to practice mindfully - and to not get lost in automatic responses.
What I would like best to do (I am quite pleased that I've -usually!- gotten to a place where my initial response to what appears to me as disharmony is "is everything okay?" or "do you guys need help?" instead of "what's going on in here?" which sounds accusing and not open-minded) is enter with no judgments or assumptions, and come to a resolution as efficiently and lovingly as possible.

What is my ultimate goal in helping to resolve conflict?
Helping my children to learn how to get their needs met while understanding that others have true needs as well. With that knowledge/skill I believe they are assured self confidence, healthy relationships, empathy, and excellent communication skills - though I'm not necessarily attached to that outcome.

In practicing mediating/diplomacy (when a mediator is desired) mindfully instead of going by automatic responses I am hoping to become more mindful and engaged in the moment - in any moment. And hopefully that will lead me to being better prepared for people and circumstances that are not a part of our everyday lives. As well as to model skills, empathy, and diplomacy for my children.
My regular practices aren't too far off the mark. And just by writing these words I can see that I've come a long way, amazingly enough.

Another part of this quest and practice of mindfulness is wanting to refrain from the experience of so often getting myself into a really steep and uncomfortable ditch.
Usually it's a deep one. And narrow. Usually I'm upside down in it. Often with a face full of dirt.

While perhaps appearing lazy about posting on this blog lately, and doing any real personal work, I've been dedicated to my intimate Outside World.
In plain language friends, housework.
I've known for years that I am an organized sort of girl - I like knowing without a doubt where anything and everything in my home is presently residing. It's what makes me tick. Well, keeps me ticking in a harmonious and even time, anyway.

For some time things around here have been seriously out of whack.
Askew, awry, and slightly chaotic.

I find myself all of a sudden looking around, and the steam blows out the top of my ears, the electricity comes out of my fingernails, and fire comes out of my mouth.
Not my children's fault.
Mine.

My responsibility.

I read from Sandra Dodd last night/this morning something about "don't think of your children at all while you're cleaning, unless it's to think of what a happy and pleasant place you're making for them to play and discover". (Not an exact quote, but it was like 3am, and I am not sure I could ever find it again.)
Oh yes.
That's what I most want, isn't it?

Every act to be mindful.
All deeds to be done with intention.

I am learning.

ps: I'm going to really miss the rain.

October 14

I miss writing!
I miss it so much that I wanted to write to complain that I don't have anything to write about! :)

I notice these periods every once in a while - couple or few weeks.

I think this (thinking drought) spell is about paying attention to the outside for a while - cleaning and polishing and sparklifying - to make room for what, I'm not sure, other than it's been months since my entire house (including the basement and windows and carpets and laundry) were all clean at the same time.
It was much needed, let me tell you.
So maybe that's all it is.

Life is messy.
Clean it up.

Make way for the next round.