Saturday, January 26, 2008

anger ... Enlightened

Not too long ago (I really don't know when, I have a really warped sense of time - it could have been last week, could have been a month ago) when I was all bent out of shape about something, I thought Here we go again... I'm taking it out on these poor souls (that share this home with me), and it's not even their problem or fault - I could have prevented this if I had only been more____, yet I am angry and (possibly) shouting and sulking. At THEM.
So... Why?
I am soooo hangin' out with the right people, friends, because in one ear I have Laura whispering her wisdom and insight about prevention, and how well she tames it before it falls out of her mouth, and in another I have Carla, who often shares tales from ancient poets, and quotes things like
"It isn't the things that are happening to us that cause us to suffer,
it's what we say to ourselves about the things that are happening. ~Pema Chödrön
Which isn't really news to me, I've been a studier of various wisdom long enough to know that we get to decide what sort of Universe we live in.
My question is - Why? Why do we (um, Okay, I) blame someone (often anyone and everyone) outside ourselves?
I'm not saying that we should sabotage ourselves. Many of us lie the blame for a great many things at our own feet, and take responsibility for many of the world's problems - deservedly, or not. (Most likely not. Solely, anyway.)
But how to place a bridge over this Huuuuuge gap between the Quietest Voice that says "If you do something now, it will save you much trouble in the end..." and the one that rages against everyone and everything for standing between us and our happiness or even our desperately needed Two Moments of Peace?

Many, many, many (90%?)of my personal troubles come from this gap. Or, vortex, maybe. It sure seems like one most times.
Is it in this space that Enlightenment lies?

Maybe this is one of those Big Truths for me.
That I need to find the smallest space within myself where I can hear Loud and Clear that Quietest Voice. Which is, by the way, to what I was referring when I said "I intend to Listen to my Intuition."
It's sooooooo hard to listen to it. It's not even the hearing of it - it's registering it and constantly practicing of Mindfulness, and quieting all the other external noise in order to do so. The children, the laundry, the day-t0-day, the bills, the tires that need to be rotated....
I'm not blaming, you understand, I'm just saying that it requires So Much.

I've got this voice rolling its eyes (can voices roll their eyes???) in my head that is saying "Well, duh! That's what we've been trying to tell you. Every day! Take moments Every Day - in quietness, tranquility, and peace, to Listen. To be in Stillness."
Oh, yeah. That would be meditation, of course.


I've got to think about this some more....

1 comment:

piscesgrrl said...

Truth be told, my transition needed a bigger kick in the pants. My mom took me away for the afternoon on Sunday, and only THEN did I truly feel like I was "back." I was back "enough" to muddle through the rest of Saturday, but I realize today, I just really, honestly needed some alone/away time. I can't remember the last time I'd gotten in, unless you count waiting for the kids in a parking lot somewhere. Which I don't. :)

Good questions... lemme know when you find the answers! I've got a left arm I might be willing to part with. ;-)