Sharing...about Negative Thinking

I had to share this, just in case it will be as.... salvaging... to someone as it has been (immediately) to me.

My son isn't a dark and moody person.
But I do have trouble with his emotions, and the explosiveness of them.
Just the ones that come from frustration... the rest I am at ease with.

I always say that he comes by it honest, as his Mama and Daddy are both emotional, "wear it on your sleeve" people.
And the three of us (Eric, Trev, and me) have to pay close attention to oncoming feelings of stress, and get it (physically) out of our bodies, otherwise we're explosive and agitated.
If it doesn't come out of us through intentional exercise, it will come out at the expense of those around us. Something that took me way too long to realize. [Rolls eyes at herself.]

Anyway.
So Trev's not a "doom and gloom" kind of kid.
But he does tend to tailspin, and does get sucked into a dramatic vortex of "Oh, I'm the worst person, ever!" from time to time. (Of course to this we always "No, you're not, Bud, everyone makes mistakes, it's no big deal..."
But it is always the same, and whatever I offer doesn't help.
This has been a sore subject with me particularly the last year. Most of my Mama Complaints have to do with this subject. (My complaints are never "something is wrong with my child's behavior", but rather "there is this problem, and it's up to me to fix it, and I don't know how."
"I don't know how to reach Trev."
"There's a disconnection, and I don't like it."
"I don't know how to deal with this angst."

In steps Freeing Your Child From Negative Thinking, by Tamar E. Chansky, Ph.D.
I have never even heard of this book.
I was online at my library's page, and requesting "Raising Your Spirited Child" and "The Heart of Parenting: Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child", and at the bottom of the page, were similar books, and Freeing Your Child From Negative Thinking.

Couldn't hurt, I thought.
And, as it happens, it came to my library immediately.

Let me just share a few things with you.

Jaw-droppers, for me.
A person who absolutely and unequivocally believes that we have the power to heal or harm ourselves with our thoughts, and in the whole microcosm/macrocosm Universe.

(A little sidenote: Seratonin in the brain can not only be raised by acts of kindness, but it is also raised simply by witnessing acts of kindness.)

• "The relationship between behavior and neurotransmitters is reciprocal, a two-way street: Serotonin impacts behavior and mood, but behavior impacts serotonin levels as well. When our mood is low, we may have less serotonin available, but when we make changes in our mood or behavior, they register as changes in brain activity as well. In other words, our biochemistry both reflects how we have learned to respond to situations and may dictate our tendencies to respond in certain ways. This process of changing brain mapping through changes in behavior is what neurobiologists refer to as neuroplasticity. And it is why we can have confidence that if we engage in cognitive behavioral techniques, "depression can be cured", in the words of Martin Selgman.

(Very satisfying to find a that there is a scientific name for the body/mind/creating connection... Neuroplasticity.)

• "..... The second strategy for working on neutral thinking is to neutralize the punch of the negative by doing nothing short of simply accepting it-- embracing it wholeheartedly.
  

Aah. Mindfulness. :)

• Flexing neutral muscles: "What may seem like an exercise in good etiquette is actually cultivating the discipline of observing life without judgments, criticisms, and comparisons. For example, the comments above" (which were "That broccoli is so disgusting!" and "Charlie is such a slob!") "...could be rephrased humorously as follows: "This darkish green treelike vegetable is the champion of bitterness, and it is remarkably tough"' "Charlie is a great collector of things, and keeping things neat and organized is his next great challenge." Asking children to become impartial observers of things outside themselves will be especially crucial when the judgments and criticisms are aimed at them."

So after skipping around a bit, and reading these two gems, I decided that I need to actually read the book from cover to cover.
So I began it.
And found this:

• "The problem is that parents may feel daunted by learning how to help their child create these new tracks. Their responses to this point - frustratingly ineffectual - have been either to rush in with reassurance or, after reassurance exhausts everyone and gets nowhere, to get fed up and say, "Enough!" which leaves them feeling like horrible, insensitive parents. [ahem.] Parents' uneasiness and uncertainty about how to approach their child [yeah. ahem again] is not lost on the child and only rocks an already wayward, unbalanced vessel." (Which is the whole reason for my trying to figure this out... I want my child to be emotionally healthy, and am not sure how to point him in the right direction... as I was never really given any tools myself...) "On the one hand, the parents see their child suffering and want to make it better; on the other hand, talking about what is bothering their child feels like a process that could spiral into a complaining fest on a good day or, worse, a bottomless pit in which the child - holding onto his negativity like a heavy anchor- is not only not ready to let go but is going to take his parents down with him."

lol.
Yeah. Well.

Fascinating.

I certainly don't think my child is depressed, nor do I worry that he is heading that way.

But I am so happy to have found this book, and look forward to being able to face the unhappy and powerless moments with tools and a different mindset!

oh, dear

I keep wondering why everything looks so different on my laptop.
...

And then I remember that I cleaned my screen.

:/

quiet

So since I wrote the other day on the discord that has often drifted through our home lately (tumultuous erraticism is how I think of it), it's been quiet.

Not forcefully quiet, just... easy.
Peaceful.

Maybe much of the stress has been spawned by the pressures of the holidays. Though I wasn't feeling frenzied by it all, really. Maybe it's because we've been cooped up - it's so damned cold, usually. Maybe it's because Little Son is trying on lots of "let's make me (him) laugh" hats, and I never get the jokes. (No one around here gets my jokes, either, so we're even with that one.)

Most likely I feel relief because I've just stepped out of it.

After realizing that I need to provide him space to Just Be -and by "space", I mean without confines of what I deem as acceptable or appropriate (ie that which doesn't bother or annoy me)- it's been quiet.
I don't suppose that one has much to do with the other, other than I'm not hyper-vigilant about noticing every little thing, nor am I looking for reasons to be annoyed.
What I mean is - I don't see how just flipping it over in my head has led to his quiet and peace, but perhaps he's already feeling less "bound", both by spending time independently outside on the snow hill, and by my non-judgments of his emotions.

I've been reading Naomi's book, almost wrapped up the first hundred pages. (I've read most it before, but it's been a while.)
The very first page or two was about negating emotions, and while I have been attempting to validate, my own emotional stability has been so precarious that I can see what I've actually been doing is negating - attempting to have him come over to my side - to see things from my perspective - that Things Aren't So Bad.
yuck.
Such a dolt am I.
Swaying with a big smile instead of "Dude. That sucks."
In my defense, it's because there's been so much of this sucks! ("stupid wall! " "stupid socks!" "stupid floor for tripping me!") that I just couldn't handle another drop. But of course eventually I came to a place of "well, this obviously isn't working...." and was able to let myself crash hard enough into the wall that it dazed me well enough that I was able to reason with a blank slate. :)

I don't imagine that it's over - there's a long road ahead. Now's a good time to start, as I'm a day or two over pmsing, so.....

I'm not quite in that blissful, peaceful, "aaaaaah" state that is so lovely, (Lord I miss that feeling!)
but there's a quiet satisfaction. Something about let's get this house cleaned, some yummy oils burning in the bowls, envision cleansing and purefication as we go (maybe burn a dressed candle or two), stop for plenty of cuddles and conversations, and see where it takes us.

So that's my plan.
On to it, then. :)

shining light upon Discord

It seems that many things are wacky?.. going awry?.... off?..... discordant! right now.
There's been lots of disharmony with Trev, I'm edgy, I shout just because I can and want to instead of coming from a place of authenticity and peace.
Re-acting instead of Creating.
No good.

I guess I'll start with sharing the problem highlighted by Trev - I'm hoping to come to a definitive place of understanding.
He's an emotional little boy. Period. He comes by it honest - both of his parents are, as well.
In his ...uh, vigor.... he often has melt-downs. Like when he puts on pants over his shoes. Or when he tries to put his shoes on and can't get them on. Or socks. Or like yesterday when he went to the hill next to our house to slide down, he became terribly upset because there's lots of new snow and it wasn't icy anymore, and the slide needed to be "built", if you see what I mean.
In our house we hear lots of wails -sung by him- of "Ooooh, this is The Worst Day, ever!" Sometimes (often!) several times a day.
Now, for a Mama that believes with everything she is in making sure her children are happy, and providing a magical childhood (life base) for said children, these sentiments (shouted and wailed, mind you) are rather discomforting at best, and nerve-grating at worst.

Of course it has peaked right now, as I've paid particular attention to it over the last few months.
I'm wise enough to know that my focusing on it is of course pronouncing it, and that my own outbursts are most certainly contributing to the disharmony.

Yesterday I looked at Eric, and voiced my being at a complete loss.
I know what needs to happen -- he needs to be empowered to handle his emotions.
It occurred to me yesterday (when I could finally calm down enough to break it down even a tiny bit) that I am probably encouraging him to think they're HUGE, because my reaction to his outbursts is rather explosive, as I've gotten to the breaking point myself.
What I mean is - since I'm thinking and feeling "Oh God, HereWeGoAgain, what-am-I-gonna-do? Run! Hide!" I'm encouraging him to feel that his emotions are Too Big to handle, and they'll break him.
Which is of course the direct opposite of what I want him to feel and think.
Ya with me?

Unfortunately, I have these same emotions (though I don't usually freak over my shoes), and was not given any tools or wisdom in How To Deal With Them.
So I'm flailing a bit. Er, a lot.

The good news is that I own a copy of Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves, and also Every Day Blessings: The Inner Work of Mindful Parenting. Thanks Jon and Naomi.

Practicing Mindfulness, especially in a Buddhist way, teaches us that the best way to take care of an emotion is to simply Be with it. To experience it, accept it, and to just let it Be.
When I think of such things being in my Store Consciousness, or simply accept it for What It Is, and not as something I've done to myself because I lack skills or wisdom or a mature, rational mind, I can see my emotions without judgment or shame, and they lose their tremendous power.

So in this I come to the first hint of the answer.
Just let it be.
And as already concluded, I need to stop running from it. I need to be centered enough in those moments that I can come from peace, steadfastness, and wisdom in such moments, instead of running from them.
The next part of it is recognizing that it's temporary.
This was a discovery just yesterday. While I was seething and reeling and flailing about trying to figure out what to do (in a permanent sense) I noticed a few minutes later that he was calm, and peaceful, and happily playing again.
Which took its edge off - as I was able to see that it was not The End Of The World for me, either. A biggy, that. It lost some of its potency in that moment. The whole situation lost some of its power.
So I can suppose from this that I also need to recognize that I not only need to let my own emotions Just Be -and in doing so I am taking care of them- but that I need to allow his emotions to Just Be. Thereby taking better care of him.
I don't freak over his outbursts, I show him that feelings are not the end of the world, and I show him that I can handle his.
Seems right.

I mean, what else is there? I've been trying it different ways for thirty-s0mething years, and I can liken it to trying to get a mountain stream to channel up the mountain, as there is a village up there whom is in need of the water. I can curse it and plow it and scream at it all I want, but the damned river isn't going to travel up. That goes against its very nature.
No more than I can try to get rid of my emotions.

The best and healthiest thing to do is to let them lie, and to center myself in such a way that I don't find them to be overwhelming or shameful.

In this then, is one of the places where I found the need to get Into the Still.

crafting frenzy

Still.
See that big white glare at the bottom right? (er, next to the glass of golden elixir?)
That would be The Take-Out Menu.

Thankyouverymuch.

sigh.
Life's so good.

Um...

Is it wrong that I'm sitting here at the kitchen table thinking, fantasizing, dreaming about, and sighing over crafts?

Er...
Again?

blech

I've found myself in this funk, lately.
Not especially wicked... and not raging. (though I've certainly been there in my life.)
Just easily upset.
Easily irritated.
I'm fine (and happy, often) so long as no one else lashes out with screams or tantrums. And when they do, I lash out myself with screams or tantrums. Telling them they don't have the right. [rolls eyes at herself]

So icky.

I seem to be at a place where I'm waiting for something to come along to change it.
An especially good meditation with long-lasting, permanent! effects. :)
Affecting words from another blogger.
An overwhelming feeling of calmness.
An exhausting workout, maybe?

I know there's some sort of shift that needs to happen.
Something like "concentrate on what you're doing right, instead of only noticing your (shameful) reactions".
Be the difference.
Accept your faults. To which I say "not in this lifetime". (You'd think this wouldn't be a problem for me, as many opportunities as I get to do so every dang day. But no. Instead I feel ashamed, embarrased, and resentful of them.)

I think in practicing mindfulness there's something - something about getting over emotions (or dealing with them) is simply done by being with them. Experiencing them, instead of wishing them away or feeling shamed by them. I remember my friend Thich Nhat Hanh saying so. That by experiencing it you are taking care of it, and your Self.

shrug.
Maybe the reason I haven't come to a place of freedom or been uplifted out of these doldrums is because what I need to do is actually embrace these things (my dreaded reactions and feelings) instead of trying to banish them.

I'm going for a walk.
An early morning walk in the snow.
I'll let you know what I find....

love it

love it love it loveitloveitloveit.

However will i send it back if they can fix mine?

(you know i'm referring to the new camera, right?)

last night's debate

my only thoughts on it are:

every time (and there were at least three) time she said "we'll do something about the corruption on Wall Street...", I kept thinking, "What about the corruption in the oil industry?"....

Statements

Be warned this post is not for the faint of heart. Or the faint of Religious Faith, for that matter. Those feeling in a serious mood should move on.
You've been warned!

So.
We (Eric and I) are not bumper sticker sort of people.
Not that we don't admire some of them.
And not [choke] that we have nothing to say. [rolls eyes] puh-lease, she mutters, making fun of herself.

It's just one of those things.
Like a tatt.
Once you do it, you're committed.
And once you Do It, one is never never enough.

So we've refrained.

My friend Julie tempted me sorely a couple of months? ago, by buying a couple from the Natural Child Project.
But No.

In comes crash.
Beloved Dear Truck is totalled. (Says insurance, and more importantly, Trusted Mechanic.)

Find new car.
Nissan or 4Runner. (we're a fan of the Japanese suv's.) Whichever One says "I want to be a part of your family!!"

Nissan it is, then.
New Dear Truck boasts a couple of decorations from Germany, the Netherlands, and Austria. Very Cool, and matches burly ski/bike/luggage rack quite nicely.
But... we've never been to Germany.

Well, then.
Now's the time!

License plate frame.
and
And another statement...
Because I believe it with everything that I am.

And oh, another one....Because, you know, chances are, it's True...

Er... and another that says "Love to learn forever.... Unschool!"

And just One More (for Mama)...It appears that I am making up for lost time. (Not that all will necessarily make it to Dear Truck's backside.)

Dh has long wanted a Jesus Fish.
(Most of you should skip the rest of this post.)
Not a typical one, however.
Or even the Darwin one.
No, the one he wants says Satan.
!!
Gah.
Not because dh is a Satanist.
No... he's an Atheist. (and irreverently laughs at the whole idea.)
But he fancies himself (as do I) very Punk Rock.
And (unlike me -- I have no such Glorious Aspirations) a Rock Star.
(though while true, this story is also a poke at dh. We'll see if it compels him to submit a comment at last.)

"Since you're putting all those stickers on.... I want a Satan fish."
sigh.
I remember well Beverly's commentary on Fish. (and strive to practice embracing diversity myself.)
"Okay." I agree.

I look online for said Fish.
At first I didn't see one....

But, equally good,
I did find this.....



[choke and sputter]
I think it will do.
ahem.
Our friends will be able to find our New Truck, now.

Sacred Life Sunday: Moppin' the Moose

(sans photos - camera got drowned. hopefully we'll fix that soon.)

I think I've mentioned Mopping The Moose before.

I got it from AU - Always Unschooled a year or two ago.

I guess it's from a story, which I haven't read, but as soon as I heard the words "mopping the moose" I laughed/cried, as I could so relate to such words -- to me it says so much for my life, my ways, and my thinking.
For me it goes something like (which could be entirely different from the intent of the author) - Maddie wants a bath. But it's been three or four days since the tub has been scrubbed, so I need to do that, first. But it's almost bedtime, and she's very sleepy, so she may very well fall asleep (or close to it) in the tub, so I had better have the bed ready for her to snuggle into when she's out of the bath. Of course she'll need dinner first, and we're having xxxx, but I must clean off the stove before I can cook, but that means I need to clean the paints out of the sink so that I can wash the pan that I'll need for supper.... oh, damn, the sheets are wet in the laundry, I need to hang them up - oh, the line is still full with yesterday's (or the day before that or the day before that)'s laundry, so I'll have to take that down, course I don't have a basket to put them in, as they're all full....

You see how it goes. Mopping the Moose.

Right now our living space - the regular rooms - are... um... a bit chaotic. (Nothing that a half hour in each room wouldn't cure.)

I've been downstairs organizing --and playing (organizing beads, books, play things) for the last three days. Er... and shopping for organizational materials.

My dear darling husband left the house today for work wondering if he was ever going to see any semblance of sanity in our home. I think he's a bit frightened.

Here's the thing, Babe.

In all this playing reorganization, I've managed to empty at least one big rubbermaid storage box. That might not mean much to you - but think of all the toys that will soon go to Aunt Sam. And think of all the clothes that Madd and Trev have outgrown, and we now have a place to put them(storage box). That means Clean Closets.
Now clean closets may not impress you over much - but know that when a closet is clean, the room is soon to follow.
Tidy hidden corners are the bare bones of a well-organized home. To my mind.

So fear not, Babe.

It might take a week.

'Might even take two.

But it will get done.

Sometimes you gotta clear out all the gunk in order to have a flowing and wondrous space.

Sometimes feeling impelled to Mop The Moose is a good thing.

Next!

I'm not sure what I want to say.
Something interesting happened earlier today.
I've found myself over and over again in this funk the last few days.
Irritable, impatient, offended.
Yesterday I considered that some of it might be that I feel powerless.
Today I had the thought that more specifically, it's "time is a-wastin'."
I called Trev in from the front yard to get on his shoes for our adventure (for the second or third time), and Annabelle, and they mosied around, looking around, stopping to smell the daisies along the way to coming inside the house, and I somehow nailed it, and voiced "My life is wasting away, Trev." I meant it as an exaggerated complaint of his slow motion meandering, but then I realized that's what I was feeling. And in much of my life, lately.

There is so much to do, and so little time in which to do it. (You know, with the always perfectly tidy and clean house thing, and learning to walk on water.)

That's the mindset that I need to change.

I need to step out of the tumultuous "do or die", "now or never", these thousand things must all be done Right This Minute mindset from which I've been reacting. And reacting is exactly what I've been doing.

It's partly the laundry, partly the dishes, partly the stack of mail (emails and blogs as well as paper), but I'm drowning in (once again!) being consumed with arriving at the end, and not enjoying the journey.
Which pisses me off because I know better.

I'm attached, I've been living for another (more peaceful?) moment, and not finding what I need in this one.
And I think that's it. (When I saw it I recognized it.)
I'm living solely for another (different) peaceful moment.
Maybe that one will give it to me, 'cause it ain't in this one.

When I was stumbling around in my head today (when we were getting ready to walk to the library, after I said that to Trev) kicking things and turning over stones, waving away the cobwebs, and trying to air the dusty and dark place out, I had the thought "You need to walk."
"You need to meditate every day, and you need to practice walking meditations, again."

I remembered something I wrote here a little while back, something that might give me a clue on how to do that -fix my head-, and I searched back until I found it.
"You can't get there, you can only be there."

Everyone ready? Let's go to the library....

(this is a conversation I had with my Self, in case you're new to my ways. Er - head.)
Okay. I need help.
Alright, what do you need?
I don't like this place.
I don't blame you. I wouldn't like it, either.
What do I do?
You know what to do.
Change my mind.
Yes. Just change your mind.
Alright. Here I go. Without tools. Without fanfare. Without any sort of ritual or symbolic cleansing.... I'm done with it.
So be it.

And there it went. There it went, Friends. Just like that.

Inside the library there were two Episodes that might have gone quite differently.

One, Trev was over in the adult section looking for non-fiction dinosaur books (non-fiction adult and juniors are mixed together) and I was on the next aisle.
"Could you move, and move those books, please, so that you're not blocking the aisle?" I hear in a somewhat snooty voice.
I went over and saw Trev a bit frustrated, and he said "Rrrr, I hate it when people boss me around!"
"I know, Bud. But people need to get by. Let's move these over here. Here, Squirt, move over to this side, so no one trips."
Not an alarming occurrence, certainly. But I had no feelings about it. I wasn't embarrassed. I wasn't irritated with Trev for growling at the librarian. I wasn't bothered or offended by a snooty librarian.

A few minutes later (Lord, he's got it down!) he chose the same librarian's desk to slap out his frustration on her counter. I turned in time to see her blast him with The Look.
I went over.
"Hey, Bub. You alright? What's up?"
"uh..."
"Are your frustrated or angry about something, or do you just have lots of energy to spend?"
"I was just filled with chaos."
"I see. Why don't you go outside, and run on the ramp? I'm just going to finish checking out these books, and then we'll walk home."

Again.
No emotion. No irritation. No grumpiness. It just is what it is, and it's No Big Deal.

It's actually hard to imagine a different scenario now... I mean.... how else could it have possibly turned out? That's the only way it could turn out.
But these last few days... it could have been quite different. Not my words, probably, but my inner turmoil and my emotions. I could have added his actions onto The Pile Of Offenses. I could have started a new one of Hers.
Ridiculous, I know, but that's been my experience, lately.


And now for even more delicious Goodness.... the books I found today are How to Expand Love: Widening the Circle of Loving Relationships, and How To See Yourself As You Really Are. Both by His Holiness, the Dalai Lama.

Blessings to you, Friends.
And to Me.

life

my life's been complicated.
well - sometimes.

sometimes i'm bemused, sometimes i'm stressed, sometimes i'm in awe (such as with maddie's skills - she has amazing skills with the computer. if someone else's desktop is up on the computer she wants, she'll shut it down and restart it again so that she can choose her desktop from the start screen. She navigates the computer and the mouse with amazing accuracy. went from "Mom, help me with this" -every two seconds- to all by herself. phew.)

finally finished my work with bc. all is going pretty well there, had 259 pageloads (none of them my own) and 87 visitors yesterday, so i'm pretty pleased with that. hopefully people like it, and will keep coming around. we'll see. the only feedback i get is the statcounter, so i have no idea what people are thinking.

but other things are complicated.

had to send my notebook in to Dell - my speakers were doing some funky thing.
had to (completely, mind you) wipe out my computer before hand to see if it was software. it wasn't. grrr.
got it back yesterday (Dell is soooooo fast! - think it was gone for four/five days - over the weekend) so yesterday when i had planned to clean house, i got my laptop back instead, and fiddled with it all day. cant get itunes/library to work. hmmph.

the other day, saturday, trevy and i were invited to go to the children's theatre.
when i got back home, eric and my mother had a story for me.
apparently, my mom stopped by to see us for a sec. eric was gardening in the backyard, with maddie. my mom pulled up, and Gladys (you know the one) said to my mother, "oh, you've just missed them. she left a little while ago with The Boy, and He walked up the street with something in his hand, i think he went to mail a letter."
"What?" my mom asked, confused.
"Yeah, he left, too."
"Well.... did he have Maddie with him?"
"No, no. Just him."
"Well..... did Stephanie take Maddie with her?"
"No, just The Boy."
"Well he wouldn't just leave Maddie by herself!" my mom answered her, irritated.
"I dunno, maybe he took 'er to the babysitter or somethin'."
"No. I'm the only one that babysits them!" (irritated with her, not with eric, mind you. knowing damned well now that she doesn't know what she's talking about.)
and my mother preceded to walk into my house, and headed out the back door to find eric in the backyard with maddie. (who pretty soon came into the front yard to show my mother our veggies and berries growing in the front yard - with maddie on his hip.)
eric said she knew damned well he hadn't gone anywhere. he said, "maddie and i have been out here, in front, and so has she, we've been playing and going in and out of the house...." etc, etc.

so my (sickening) question is.... is she being malicious? or is she just a nitwit? i mean, i totally believe her to be a nitwit, but is she deliberately causing us trouble, too?
i was actually relieved at first, because i was thinking "well, obviously whatever she says is not to be taken seriously. she's just one of these people that gets an idea in her head and runs with it." but this is someone that gossips with the neighbors. and this is someone who called dcfs (oh, i forgot to tell you about that - they came to our house AGAIN!) and told them that i locked my son out of the house when he was naked and made him eat his sandwich on the porch. in the rain.

so at this point, i am thinking.... obviously she cannot be trusted. which i knew. my relief came from "her suppositions are not reflections of what is going on in my home. it never looked like i locked my son out in the rain. i am not to be blamed for this. (her erroneous conclusions)"
relief, there.
but not if she talks to the neighbors.
and here i just wanna cry, and say, Please, God.
Please protect us from Her.
Please protect us from her telling the neighbors her stories, and having them believe her.

complicated.
it feels akin to conspiracy, you know? i mean, what if the things she puts in people's heads they come to believe?

my mind has been all around this. "I wonder if i'll end up suing her for slander." Can I call dcfs and complain? should i be more visible and loving with my children in the front yard, for the neighbors benefit? speaking of which...
the other day my mom and i were outside talking, and she came out, talking loudly - totally for our benefit- "Oh, Lucky, you're such a clean dog. Did you get a bath? Lucky, no, Lucky, no! Now you stay outta that dirt, Lucky. Lucky, you're a clean dog, you stay outta that dirt. Oh, com'ere, you clean dog....."
I didn't say a word to my mother, just rolled my eyes in my head to myself. A few minutes later, we came inside, and my mother (who is absolutely not the most astute person in the world) "Did you hear her over there? She was saying all that to impress us. She wanted us to hear her."
"Yup." I said.
"Gah!" my Mom said.
Now what the hell do I care, I ask you, if her dog is clean or even has fleas. Other than i'd feel bad for his discomfort.

So the answer is no, i shall absolutely not live my life in a false manner to impress the neighbors. But I worry about raising my voice. I always feel like she's peeking out her window to see into my house. We pretty much live -when the weather is not way too hot or way too cold - with open windows, doors, and always open curtains.

I don't think she's out to get me.
But she has a really wierd somethin/somethin going on in her head. She told me she's gardening organically. And bought mantises to help control the bugs. She knows we're organic. Two weeks later she was out there telling her husband they need to spray the dandelions. (inconsistencies).

she told me about her twenty children - not sure what's up with that. i think she was a foster mother? she told me about how her son molested her daughter. (that was the day she came over here last year to "set me straight". "One day I caught him with his hand down my daughter's shirt!!!" she said. I didn't know what the hell she was trying to tell me, so i skipped over it. Now I think she was trying to tell me that if my chldren run around in their nothin's they will be come sex offenders. Which is so ridiculous that I won't even respond to it.

When she came to my home last summer - remember, when I cried for several days over the dcfs thing, when she said the people that were going to buy the house next door told her they saw our children naked, and it was going to "be a problem"? and she came over here to tell me "they seem the type to call dcfs, and they'll take your children away." to which i said "No they won't, they can't just because you're babies are naked!" and she said "Oh yes they will..."blahblahblah - turns out SHE had called them. and they didn't show up until 9 months later - which i was sorta relieved by, they took that long to make a visit. and sent someone about 19 years old, and very unofficial. tells me they didn't take it very seriously.

anyway.

had a dream last night that the neighbor on the other side of her died and his house was up for sale.
I was trying to figure out what to do to stop her from turning them against us.

Probably doesn't help that i watch the news every damned day and i see the Texas polygamist trial every damned day.
Heard the other day "one week old baby is away from its mother...." evidently she had a child while in custody, and they took the newborn away? What?

See? Complicated.

I told you that i've put bushes, berries and vines on my front fence, right? Solely for the purpose of keeping Gladys' eyes out of my front yard.

i really need to get to a place of peace (probably another instigator, haven't taken the time to meditate and walk) so i can separate my mind from the crap.

it terrifies me that i might be adding to any future or present trouble by being so focused on it. Several times a day I wonder if dcfs is coming to my door.

i would like to clear it out, and to come up with the best solution.

i partly think "just send her love". send her understanding, send her love, send her support. Not outwardly - outwardly i think it's best to wave or say hello, and that's it. no conversations at all.

but part of me is also very afraid to send her love and well wishes.
not really sure why.
maybe because i'm afraid i'll make her more powerful.

need to get to the bottom of all this mess in my head.

note

I didn't mean to be unforthcoming or cryptic in my post yesterday... I had a really bad few minutes (regarding Mrs. Kravitz, remember her?) and I went through a myriad of emotions in a very short time (mostly fear) and then dh said something Really Stupid (his words, not mine) that made me feel even worse, and and and.

But I'll probably write it someday soon (or not) for posterity's sake.

I am recovered, now.
Thank God.

The Last Frontier

(This post is exceedingly personal and honest. It is being said not to claim proudly my own ignorance, but to express how something that has always been a part of me has transformed. While it is about people and places, I do not and have not considered myself racially prejudiced - I have never taken pride in the color of my skin. I receive comfort only in thinking "My Race Is Human.")


I've managed to phase in more gentleness that I didn't know I was lacking.
I made this realization a couple of days ago, but haven't written, yet, because I was concerned how my words might be interpreted. It is my intent to express love with my life, and not bigotry or prejudice. That being said....

I don't believe that I'm a very racially prejudiced person. I recognize that cultures are different, and accept it -gladly, even- and am fascinated and appreciative of a wide variety of them. I love seeing on television or in books different tribes with their elaborate ceremonies, I visited a place of the Mayans a few years ago and was fascinated, I love the formal dress of some Native American ceremonies, and am a little awed by their signs around here of "If you get out of your car and step onto our land you are subject to getting shot ," :), I want to someday visit Russia, when I see a car that's purple with iridescent orange and green and yellow low to the ground it makes me smile. The Mexican tradition Likes Color.
I don't know a lot about a wide variety of people. I study more the inside of people (where we're all the same) than the outside, and have never aside from the Mexican/U.S. border, been outside of my country. So that's limiting.

One thing I have never had any interest in is the Orient.
All of it.
Not Mongolia, not Japan, Not Vietnam, not China, not Korea, not the culture, not the Great Wall of China, not Giant Panda's, not rice fields (I don't like rice, if you can believe that), not Japanese Animation, not the dress for various celebrations, not even Chinese Dragons or Chinese New Year.
I've just never been interested. I've been thoroughly detached.

Why is that?
I have no idea.
It's like I cut off a third of our planet and its people from my consciousness.
Refusing to embrace it. Them. Us.
So strange.

Funny how all that's changed now.
Now I've immersed myself in the heart (or Soul) of Asia.
I consider Thich (as I've spent so much time with him lately) my Brother, one of my Great Teacher's. I am so awed and humbled by his activism, the schools (for engaged Buddhism and peace) he founded, the souls that attended the schools who were kidnapped and often killed, the Vietnam Peace Delegation, the young people who gave their lives to feed the poor and starving children left bereft by war, on and on it goes.
I study (or try to) the Tao Te Ching.
When I meditate I try to sit on a Lotus Flower. (And not on burning charcoals, as Thay* says.)

All this might seem silly to another.

But my perspective (literally, how I see things) has changed.
All of a sudden, I feel this... loving enthusiasm for a culture, place, Heart, that I had previously cut myself off from.

It makes no sense, really.
Other than my heart has simply been expanded.
I know that not everyone in Asia is a monk or a nun, a Buddhist, or a Zen Master.
But somehow I tunneled into the spirit of the land, and arrived to find myself Awake well within its borders.
I feel eager to embrace this heretofore unexplored land. To claim this part of myself that its people represent.

To grow in my sense of Us.
[bow]


*Thay (pronounced Ty) is the form of address for Vietnamese monks, it means "Teacher".

i suck part two

"What!?! You're not a Jack-Ass, Mom! How could you say that? Of course you're not!"
"Well..." how could he NOT think me a Jack-Ass!? "I sure feel like one today!"
"You're the most Helpful Mom, Ever! You're sweet, and your Kind..."
"I don't feel like it..." I'm not fishing for compliments, you understand, but genuinely bemused that he would say such a thing...
"You're Not! You've just been feeling betrayed the last few days!.."

??

I'm bowing out with my final, deepest curtsy....

ego

When I typed that in, I typed in "dgo". Maybe that would be better. :)

I think I've pretty well got it figured out.
Mostly.

It gets easy to judge whether or not your actions come from ego.

I've had to really pay attention to the things I say, how they come out of my mouth, and really consider where it came from.
Sometimes (typically) the answer has been "because I wanted to demonstrate that I knew better than that."
Aaah, ego, then.
Stupid stuff.
Stuff that doesn't even mean anything - other than to point out to myself that I am better, or wiser, or more aware, or more conscientious, or better informed.
Not that these things (where one is upon his or her path) are insignificant - certainly they are not. What I mean is, I might give my answer or response in a snotty way (if only in my head), feeling that I am above some one or some thing else.
I don't even mean displaying arrogance, for most of the time it just happens in my head.

I'm pretty much astounded how often it happens. That I say or do things from that place.
In everyday stupid situations, even. It's ridiculous.

The trouble I was having in understanding it was that I couldn't separate the individual from the ego. Or dgo.
It seemed to me that without ego, we'd all blend into the same homogenized glob of nothingness.

I've since come to realize (since witnessing my doing and saying things from the point of ego) that there is more to Us than just That.
Since I know that All There Is wants only to express Itself (or Herself or Himself), and to experience All There Is instead of just understanding that It is All There Is, then to have Us be the exact same - sans ego - would be pretty pointless.
I mean - we have to be made of substance other than just ego.
Some of us are very, very serious (time after time, I believe). Some of us like to lead. Some of us love to make people laugh. Some of us find our hearts belong to animals. Or the hills. Or the sky. Or to the stars. Some of us long to dance. Some of us want to paint the streets of Paris, or fields of flowers, or ships on the horizon. Some of us want to be a Peace Pilgrim. Or a nun in Calcutta. Some of us imagine ourselves to be Gentlemen Pirates. Or farmers. Or opera singers.

So I've come to have a little more trust in God, I think. (I had a rather vast amount before, mind you, but somehow I believed that ultimately God wanted to take me away from myself.)
It occurs to me now - even as I sit here - that God (All There Is) has no need to take me away from myself - but that God is perfectly willing to allow me to be Me infinitely, as I am not actually separate, at all, but only in individualized part of All There Is. I am not and cannot be separated from It.
So God is missing nothing.
And God experiences everything.

And now I'm getting quite serious about kicking this ego of mine out of my business, and looking forward to the rewards for living my life even more on purpose.
Which will, of course, involve wondrous things like synchronicity. And manifesting. And greater intuition. And much more peace.
And "discovering that you're a greater person by far, than you even imagined yourself to be."

growing pains

You know that Anais Nin quote that says "And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to bloom." ?
For a long time I didn't have a clue what that meant, and then a couple of months ago I began to understand the philosophy of it, and then today --today I wonder if she didn't mean it quite literally.

Mindfulness is what is on my mind today. Parenting with respect and love and presence and an open mind.

Here it is -
Yesterday (I was quite unaware that my emotions were due to a dreaded physical matter) I was just not happy. I was not miserable - I just had a serious case of ennui. I didn't understand it in the slightest - I was out playing with my husband and children - gallivanting and joyfully seeking - so why on earth couldn't I feel joyful?
At one point (God, I'm such a jack-ass!) After we had been at the farm for probably two hours, and Trev was pretty dang wet almost to his waist as he was playing in the snow all day, we were relatively close to leaving the farm, and he wanted an icecream sandwich. "No, your clothes are soaked, and you'll be cold on the inside and the outside, Bud... it isn't a good idea."
"But Mooooooom! I want an icecream sandwich!!!"
"No."
(I should say at this point that this didn't really come out of the blue - for a couple of days I've taken exception -if only in my head- to the way he has expressed himself to me. Not winning me over, if you see what I mean.)
"You never let me do anything!!! No, no, no!, that's all you ever say!" Someone should perhaps take this boy aside and tell him that saying such a thing to a pmsing, radical unschooling Mama who only believes in "yesyesyes!" that this might not be his best choice of words at this particular time. (though I did tell him to stop eating the animal poo snow. sheesh.)
I didn't lose it - though I was feeling really picked on and Put Upon, especially since all I wanted to do this day was to play and be happy with my family.
Because I wasn't in a good space, the whole thing was about me. And how I felt. And what his words meant to me. And how he was unappreciative of me. And how he didn't appreciate the life I give him.
It was totally lame. Because I was even deeper now in my funk, no one (we were now in the truck) was feeling very joyful, now.
sigh.
I told Eric to stop at a gas station so Trev could go in and buy some skittles, which I had told him he could do, and I dug in my purse for a dollar, and gave one to him and one to Madd.
Trev was still "you're the worst, blah blah blah" and I said something totally lame like "Don't bother saying thank you." and he said "why not?" and I said I was being sarcastic. "Thanks, Mom!", Maddie said upon receiving her dollar. "Welcome, Babe."
I tried to talk to Trev when he was getting out of the truck, "Look, Bud, I want to be friends, and I don't feel like we are, and I wanna fix it." But :/ evidently getting in between a boy and the door to the candy store isn't the best time to Fix This Relationship. So here I was, still feeling not right, and a bit put upon, and trying to find my way to Joy.

I never did fix it yesterday. Though my mood improved.
But eventually I had a thought. I remembered something that the Mama's and I had discussed around a year or two ago - something about how often when you're leaving a place, it's hard to accept it - you want the great things to continue. So often on the way home from, say, Disneyland :), you'll be in the car, and the children will say "Let's stop at Chuck-E-Cheese!!!" and you're like wth? and they're like "Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeease?" "No way." gah. The nerve! :)

I don't know that's for sure what was happening, but what I thought of was
Here's what happened, Steph. You said and thought that All Things Are Possible Today, and you encouraged everyone to say what it is they wanted to do, and go, and see, and explore, and Little Son wanted an icecream sandwich (one of his favorite things) and you said "but not that." Why??? Why on this day, this day of Fun and Everything, and maybe a Really Great Day (for everyone who is not neurotic) would you pull out the lamo "you don't count" card?

Sigh.
As you can see, clearly I am a jack-ass.

And this, friends, this pain that I feel now, this "I detest this part of me" neurosis (temporary, but neurosis just the same), is why I think it is quite literally much more painful and difficult to remain in this same head rather than to escape it, and evolve into something more.

It has simply got to be better on the other side of this.
Doing the work and avoiding these sort of scenarios can only improve our lives.

I've really got to dig deep into this "I Am Peace" thing.
It's my only hope.
(may sound fatalistic, but it's true.)
xo

proclamation

Or maybe declaration.

This has been round and round in my head for a few weeks, now.
I start to write about it, then I change my mind, or let yet another post gather dust in my drafts.
Never quite right.
This one could very well follow the fate of the others.

On to it!

I realize that my choices of expression and self discovery are not popular.
I can see [ahem] quite clearly that my use of the word God and Spirit and Truth are not the customary fodder for usual every-day conversation.
I have considered many, many times that the things I write here are perhaps sacred only to me, relevant only to me, important only to me, and sensible only to me.
I have considered that there are folks who actually link here. :)
I have thought of the people that read what I have to say. Not many - but a few. A few people that I truly care about and regard as friends.

Now - the reconciliation...
It's not that I don't care.
It's not that I am dismissive of others journeys or paths or quests or truths.

I just... I just have to be always cognizant and expressive of my own.
As best I can in any moment, anyway.

There are certain things that are greatly important to me, and I must live and express them in order to fill my self/spirit as it demands.

It's chancy - pointing these things out in a few carefully selected words.
Bringing attention to something that maybe could have been skipped over or easily dismissed in another moment.

I think - Maybe people will now stop coming.
Maybe in speaking my Truth I've driven people away.
Maybe others just don't want to hear it.

People are always free to roll their eyes and walk away, of course.
People are free to judge.
And even to point a condemning and damning finger, if they choose.

But [shrug] honestly, Friends, I don't have a choice.
These things are Truths for me - things that demand to be said, and written, and acknowledged and lived and expressed, and proclaimed.
It's like my Spirit is on a great journey, and is insisting that the other parts of me follow closely.

Now. Come with Me, it calls.
It promises great rewards.
Beauty.
And Love.
And Abundance.
Peace.
Expansion.
Gentleness.
Kindness.
And To Know.

So what choice do I have-
but to run as fast as I can
trying to keep up?

Healing Part II

I'm really not going to go on and on about this - :) I promise.
I've just made a few observations, and want to share.

First, you know how after something major happens, and you've cried and cried, and you're left feeling sooo spent, and sort of drifty and numb?
That wasn't how I felt yesterday at all.
Curiously, I felt far from it. I felt empowered. I felt free. I felt light and playful - not in an psuedo-ecstatic sort of way, either, but in a regular playing-with-the-children-and-having-a-great-day sort of way.
I felt happily normal.
Like it was just gone, and maybe like it had never been. (Which may sound weird.)
I think that's what the conviction of "I am done" did for me.
No after-affects, no residue, no revisiting.

Secondly, I believe I have been liberated in a surprising way.
I have just the tiniest (tiny-tiny-tiny, mind you) fear in me that it's not over. That I don't really have the power to say "I'm done with it" and actually Be done with it.
But as I was sitting here I was thinking, Okay, say Maddie came in right now shrieking (before seven in the morning when it's perfectly quiet except for the wind outside - I really need quiet in the morning) and screaming demands and generally in a grumpy mood, would I be extremely gentle about it? Or would it send me through the roof? (nerves, I mean.)
And my answer is - well, yeah, I'd probably flinch, and pick her up, and cover my ears if I needed to. And of course I'd help her get whatever it is that she needs.
But here's the difference - I'd accept my feelings about it. I would not feel ashamed that hearing a loud and shrill scream at 6:37am -violently shattering the peace and quiet- made me feel that electricity is shooting out of my fingernails. I'd not be angry that I'm feeling a bit angry about it.
Do you see?
It's crazy, probably.

Here's the thing: I've moved from "I hate this power that this thing (anger/frustration/resentment) has over me. I resent it, I'm angry about it, it pisses me off, and I am ashamed of it."
I have moved into "I embrace who I am, and what I am, and I accept these things I feel and I carry them gladly and voluntarily, and see that I can learn well from them."
It has lost its power over me.

I've understood for a long time now that we're all responsible for our emotions.
It's been complex, figuring this line between "I came to my mother for a reason" and in really bad moments "look what you did to me".
It's hard to witness other's instincts for gentleness and softness, and not feel that you got short-changed in the "let's give you a gentle childhood and teach you how to be a good parent" department.
It's not my wish to show so clearly my self pity - but I've often wished that my instincts and skills were very different from what they are.
But that's neither here nor there, really - because it is what it is, and things are exactly as they should be.
Hmmph. (begrudgingly) I guess. : ) (If you accept it in one instant, you must accept it in all, hmmm?)

Anyway - getting back to it -
I've known for some time that we're responsible for our lives, and our choices, and our reality.
And I've known that my reactions to particular situations are also mine. I own them.
And I've done a fairly good job of parenting in a more gentle and loving way than what I was taught.
While being a parent I've come to understand that the way I was taught is (by far) just not good enough, and I work hard (most times) to give my children a very different childhood.

But even in this I've carried that damned "I hate this about me, and I resent it and I'm ashamed of it."
And that is what's gone.
That is what is no longer invited in my being. That is what shall not continue to poison me.
All of that poison has been bled out.

I cannot say that I forgive. Forgive seems so "rise above and embrace it lovingly with understanding".
What I feel I've done is more like a powerful drop-kick off the planet.
Gone. Good riddance.

Suits me just fine.