Thursday, November 06, 2008

blech

I've found myself in this funk, lately.
Not especially wicked... and not raging. (though I've certainly been there in my life.)
Just easily upset.
Easily irritated.
I'm fine (and happy, often) so long as no one else lashes out with screams or tantrums. And when they do, I lash out myself with screams or tantrums. Telling them they don't have the right. [rolls eyes at herself]

So icky.

I seem to be at a place where I'm waiting for something to come along to change it.
An especially good meditation with long-lasting, permanent! effects. :)
Affecting words from another blogger.
An overwhelming feeling of calmness.
An exhausting workout, maybe?

I know there's some sort of shift that needs to happen.
Something like "concentrate on what you're doing right, instead of only noticing your (shameful) reactions".
Be the difference.
Accept your faults. To which I say "not in this lifetime". (You'd think this wouldn't be a problem for me, as many opportunities as I get to do so every dang day. But no. Instead I feel ashamed, embarrased, and resentful of them.)

I think in practicing mindfulness there's something - something about getting over emotions (or dealing with them) is simply done by being with them. Experiencing them, instead of wishing them away or feeling shamed by them. I remember my friend Thich Nhat Hanh saying so. That by experiencing it you are taking care of it, and your Self.

shrug.
Maybe the reason I haven't come to a place of freedom or been uplifted out of these doldrums is because what I need to do is actually embrace these things (my dreaded reactions and feelings) instead of trying to banish them.

I'm going for a walk.
An early morning walk in the snow.
I'll let you know what I find....

4 comments:

Stephanie Ozenne said...

Are you sure you're not watching *my* life right now? I'm struggling too - temper: short. Words: too often sharp. Expectations: too high. Grrr. Though this post made me remember something TNH said about seeing yourself as a tree - strongly rooted and stable, and your emotions as wind whipping through the leaves and branches. That image helped me keep my cool before - I'm going to try to keep it with me today.

Stephanie S. said...

Steph - I need to get it again. I had it on my ipod - I didn't burn it- and I had to reformat my ipod when i cleaned my laptop. So I lost it. Hmmph.
But my neighborhood library has it - I just need to go get it.
Soon!!

You're right - the tree image will help, especially after I can get to a good grounded place.

I think my favorite is Space/Free. I really like that one.

Thanks Steph!!

Melissia said...

Steph,
I am so sorry for going off on you the other day. I think I have been in this place too. I am sure it is many many thins for all of us. Sorry again.
Melissia

Stephanie S. said...

Melissia - no reason to apologize.
I wrote a response that day, saying I wasn't accusing anyone else of voting out of a sense of fear, only purporting my own early motives.
But I couldn't quite say what I wanted to, so I didn't say anything.
With me and politics - I'm one of those dreaded people that can see their lives and happiness/non outside of politics, you know?
I can't let the "rules of the day" be the deciding factors in Who I Am, or have my thoughts or feelings arise accordingly.
Which makes me a nightmare to those who are political or politically minded.

I'm certain it seems irresponsible and me the proverbial ostrich, but I take on what I can or choose, and leave the rest.
I don't want to carry all of it.
Steph