Monday, December 29, 2008

quiet

So since I wrote the other day on the discord that has often drifted through our home lately (tumultuous erraticism is how I think of it), it's been quiet.

Not forcefully quiet, just... easy.
Peaceful.

Maybe much of the stress has been spawned by the pressures of the holidays. Though I wasn't feeling frenzied by it all, really. Maybe it's because we've been cooped up - it's so damned cold, usually. Maybe it's because Little Son is trying on lots of "let's make me (him) laugh" hats, and I never get the jokes. (No one around here gets my jokes, either, so we're even with that one.)

Most likely I feel relief because I've just stepped out of it.

After realizing that I need to provide him space to Just Be -and by "space", I mean without confines of what I deem as acceptable or appropriate (ie that which doesn't bother or annoy me)- it's been quiet.
I don't suppose that one has much to do with the other, other than I'm not hyper-vigilant about noticing every little thing, nor am I looking for reasons to be annoyed.
What I mean is - I don't see how just flipping it over in my head has led to his quiet and peace, but perhaps he's already feeling less "bound", both by spending time independently outside on the snow hill, and by my non-judgments of his emotions.

I've been reading Naomi's book, almost wrapped up the first hundred pages. (I've read most it before, but it's been a while.)
The very first page or two was about negating emotions, and while I have been attempting to validate, my own emotional stability has been so precarious that I can see what I've actually been doing is negating - attempting to have him come over to my side - to see things from my perspective - that Things Aren't So Bad.
yuck.
Such a dolt am I.
Swaying with a big smile instead of "Dude. That sucks."
In my defense, it's because there's been so much of this sucks! ("stupid wall! " "stupid socks!" "stupid floor for tripping me!") that I just couldn't handle another drop. But of course eventually I came to a place of "well, this obviously isn't working...." and was able to let myself crash hard enough into the wall that it dazed me well enough that I was able to reason with a blank slate. :)

I don't imagine that it's over - there's a long road ahead. Now's a good time to start, as I'm a day or two over pmsing, so.....

I'm not quite in that blissful, peaceful, "aaaaaah" state that is so lovely, (Lord I miss that feeling!)
but there's a quiet satisfaction. Something about let's get this house cleaned, some yummy oils burning in the bowls, envision cleansing and purefication as we go (maybe burn a dressed candle or two), stop for plenty of cuddles and conversations, and see where it takes us.

So that's my plan.
On to it, then. :)

2 comments:

Pam said...

Ah, yes that long road holds much to view and observe as it is forever changing.
You have a wonderful plan for your journey.

Nikki said...

Yeah, sounds a good plan and I thin often it can simply all change by flipping something over in your head and whatever was the actual problem just seems to dissolve. I too found Naomi's book useful and occasionally still turn to a page for a peptalk. Often too, when angsting or thinking that an issue has hit it's peak then things just seem to tail off again.