I'm not sure what I want to say.
Something interesting happened earlier today.
I've found myself over and over again in this funk the last few days.
Irritable, impatient, offended.
Yesterday I considered that some of it might be that I feel powerless.
Today I had the thought that more specifically, it's "time is a-wastin'."
I called Trev in from the front yard to get on his shoes for our adventure (for the second or third time), and Annabelle, and they mosied around, looking around, stopping to smell the daisies along the way to coming inside the house, and I somehow nailed it, and voiced "My life is wasting away, Trev." I meant it as an exaggerated complaint of his slow motion meandering, but then I realized that's what I was feeling. And in much of my life, lately.
There is so much to do, and so little time in which to do it. (You know, with the always perfectly tidy and clean house thing, and learning to walk on water.)
That's the mindset that I need to change.
I need to step out of the tumultuous "do or die", "now or never", these thousand things must all be done Right This Minute mindset from which I've been reacting. And reacting is exactly what I've been doing.
It's partly the laundry, partly the dishes, partly the stack of mail (emails and blogs as well as paper), but I'm drowning in (once again!) being consumed with arriving at the end, and not enjoying the journey.
Which pisses me off because I know better.
I'm attached, I've been living for another (more peaceful?) moment, and not finding what I need in this one.
And I think that's it. (When I saw it I recognized it.)
I'm living solely for another (different) peaceful moment.
Maybe that one will give it to me, 'cause it ain't in this one.
When I was stumbling around in my head today (when we were getting ready to walk to the library, after I said that to Trev) kicking things and turning over stones, waving away the cobwebs, and trying to air the dusty and dark place out, I had the thought "You need to walk."
"You need to meditate every day, and you need to practice walking meditations, again."
I remembered something I wrote here a little while back, something that might give me a clue on how to do that -fix my head-, and I searched back until I found it.
"You can't get there, you can only be there."
Everyone ready? Let's go to the library....
(this is a conversation I had with my Self, in case you're new to my ways. Er - head.)
Okay. I need help.
Alright, what do you need?
I don't like this place.
I don't blame you. I wouldn't like it, either.
What do I do?
You know what to do.
Change my mind.
Yes. Just change your mind.
Alright. Here I go. Without tools. Without fanfare. Without any sort of ritual or symbolic cleansing.... I'm done with it.
So be it.
And there it went. There it went, Friends. Just like that.
Inside the library there were two Episodes that might have gone quite differently.
One, Trev was over in the adult section looking for non-fiction dinosaur books (non-fiction adult and juniors are mixed together) and I was on the next aisle.
"Could you move, and move those books, please, so that you're not blocking the aisle?" I hear in a somewhat snooty voice.
I went over and saw Trev a bit frustrated, and he said "Rrrr, I hate it when people boss me around!"
"I know, Bud. But people need to get by. Let's move these over here. Here, Squirt, move over to this side, so no one trips."
Not an alarming occurrence, certainly. But I had no feelings about it. I wasn't embarrassed. I wasn't irritated with Trev for growling at the librarian. I wasn't bothered or offended by a snooty librarian.
A few minutes later (Lord, he's got it down!) he chose the same librarian's desk to slap out his frustration on her counter. I turned in time to see her blast him with The Look.
I went over.
"Hey, Bub. You alright? What's up?"
"Are your frustrated or angry about something, or do you just have lots of energy to spend?"
"I was just filled with chaos."
"I see. Why don't you go outside, and run on the ramp? I'm just going to finish checking out these books, and then we'll walk home."
No emotion. No irritation. No grumpiness. It just is what it is, and it's No Big Deal.
It's actually hard to imagine a different scenario now... I mean.... how else could it have possibly turned out? That's the only way it could turn out.
But these last few days... it could have been quite different. Not my words, probably, but my inner turmoil and my emotions. I could have added his actions onto The Pile Of Offenses. I could have started a new one of Hers.
Ridiculous, I know, but that's been my experience, lately.
And now for even more delicious Goodness.... the books I found today are How to Expand Love: Widening the Circle of Loving Relationships, and How To See Yourself As You Really Are. Both by His Holiness, the Dalai Lama.
Blessings to you, Friends.
And to Me.