Thursday, February 07, 2008

I Am, I Said

:) It so happens that I love that song. You can put a few of Neale Diamonds among my new wave and folk and classical and punk and bluegrass and operatic and reggae and rebel country (Johnny Cash and Willie Nelson) and meditation and favorite hippie songs.

A friend said something about this subject, and I wanted to clarify some things for her, as well as for myself so that I might continue solidly along this new Road to Mastery on which I imagine myself to be.

When I said yesterday that I have arrived - I might have given the impression that that means another stupid or shouting word shall never come out of my mouth. I wish! - but that certainly isn't true (well, maybe it is, I'll not be damning myself with saying it's impossible - but I would be very surprised). :)
And when I said that I've made a shift from "I want this to be a part of my life - I want to live in gentleness and kindness, abundance and gratitude, presence and awareness, service and graciousness", I didn't mean that I woke up Being these things automatically.

What I meant was for the first time instead of constantly reaching for it, I have consciously decided to Be it.
It probably sounds ridiculously simple to many people ("Well, of course if you want to Be Kind, then you just Be Kind!"), but for me it was a long process (of probably about twenty-two years) to make that leap.
For me there was all this other stuff in the way.
A big one was of course being angry. I think once I got that one out of the way I was free to begin to grasp this idea.

The second one is one that I have written about often, lately, and that is judgment. I cannot Be kind because I did this other thing three seconds ago that was not kind. Therefore I am not yet ready to Be Kind. I don't have what it takes. I have all this other garbage (like anger) inside me that prevents me from being this other.
Judgment is so damning. Judgment of others, judgment of our children, judgment of our selves - it hurts greatly our spirit. It keeps us from living in light and love.

If I want to live my life On Purpose - which means that I live according to my spirit, and that I am constantly consciously creating and being and recognizing and listening and evolving and expanding - then I need to reside in a place that says "I Am Love. I Am Kindness. I Am Abundance. I Am God (which I believe is the ultimate quest of the soul)."

How do I do that?
I just Be it.
It may be (initially) that I act with love and peace only once out of twelve interactions throughout my day. But that still confirms my Being. Some might say "So what? Anyone can be kind once a day!" And I say of course we can - the difference in my Being Kind is that I have shifted my head from "I can't" (because I was only capable of doing it the once) to "I Am."
I'm not saying that I've never been a kind and loving person, I have my moments. :) But the consideration that I Am what I want to be has always eluded me. It's always been out there somewhere [waves hand over head into the cosmos], something to attain when I am Good Enough.
And now -- Now I know that if I want to experience it, all that remains is that I Be it.
The frequency doesn't matter in this particular moment - that's just details. I know that since my focus is now on this certain thing (in my case it's a lot of things - abundance, kindness, love, beauty, gentleness, expansiveness) that there is nothing to do but to grow more and more into these things every day. Every moment I shall Become more and more - because I now believe it is what I Am. (and not all of those other contradicting things that I considered myself to be before.)
Isn't that remarkable?

One last thing that I think allowed me to make this shift was servitude - in the sense of "we come with nothing (no thing) and we leave with no thing, and all we can do is give our life away".
I've always sort of shied (um, rebelled, maybe would be a more appropriate word) away from the thought of servitude. I think it comes from the whole "We Are One" thing, and how I'm not yet ready to get rid of my ego. Losing my ego (to me) means losing my Self, and I am not yet ready to blend into (quietly and graciously) The All yet. I'm really enjoying expressing and being my Individual Self at the moment.
But in listening to one of my lectures the other day I was trying to skip over :) the idea of "How may I serve?" and get to the other stuff - when he (Dr. Wayne Dyer, this one was...The Secrets of the Power of Intention) started talking about how "giving our life away" can mean saying a kind word to someone. It means putting aside my own agenda when someone is in need. It means wanting love and peace for someone else more than I want it for my self. It means sending someone loving and kind thoughts and wishes that I am having struggles with.
That is servitude.
Oh! Well I can do that! And gladly, even. :)

You see? Three huge obstacles were in my way, and I didn't even know it.

So knowing and acknowledging these things has placed me upon my path to Mastery. Or Enlightenment. Or Becoming. Whatever you'd like to call it.

It astounds me how different I feel.
I feel excited.
Elated, even.
And like nothing is impossible.
Instead of "one day, when I am good enough, I'll be there" I feel like shouting laughingly "Here I come!"
Or even, quite possibly, "Here I Am!"


Aubrey said...

wonderful as always steph. i wanted you to know that i have been reading your blogs just haven't been as generous with commenting as i would like. i suppose a lot of what you say needs to marinate for awhile.

i am curious about what you said about ego though. why would you loose yourself when you loose your ego? i ask because i have been giving ego a lot of thought and want to hear what your thought process is on the subject.

love to you....

Stephanie S. said...

Hey Aub.
I think that I have a messed up (or maybe immature) sense of what ego is.
To me, it means my individuality. It doesn't mean the dark side of one's self - always needing more stuff, wanting recognition, wanting to be better than something else, but more like all of one's self. If you see what I mean.

That's why the concept of "we are all one" is such a hard pill for me to swallow - I feel/fear that the moment I "get it" for real, and not just in theory, then suddenly *poof* I'll cease to exist. I fear that I'll vanish in to the everything-ness, which could also be considered the nothing-ness (as far as individuality is concerned).

It's messed up.
Do we get to stay bits forever?
There are plenty of people who lived only for love - and they didn't vanish into thin air :).
I don't know.

As I've said a few times - this is one of those big (BigBigBig) ones for me. :)

:) Feel free to pass on any words of wisdom!

Stephanie S. said...

ps - I'm going to work on this.

singingfamily said...

I really like what you have to say. My house is a mess right now, and I am feeling a little less worried about it. I have a feeling it is not going to be spotless tomorrow though:)

Stephanie S. said...

Kelli -
Mine wasn't (and still isn't) either.

Thanks so much for leaving a comment.

Aubrey said...

been thinking about this...
to me, the ego is like having a drunk monkey hanging around you all the time, dragging you down, being a pain in the ass. The ego is doubt, hatred, negativity, lack, anger, frustration, etc.
I believe that when we are able to seperate ourselves from our ego only then do we become our true authentic selves. You don't loose yourself, but rather find yourself.
You know those times when you have the positivity going on, maybe you are meditating, and you get the tingles all over and you are really feeling the power of the collective conscious or the We Are One??? That is when I feel I am free from my ego, and even though it is only seconds it is so delicious.
Hope that makes a little sense. I am feeling a little scattered today... I would love to get together face to face and talk whenever, if you'd like.

Love and peace and happiness to you.

Stephanie S. said...

Aub -
thanks for staying with me on this.
I think I came to a bit of understanding today about it. I was listening to a podcast, one of John Hagelin's (whom I love) and he was talking about these meditation tanks, and how people in groups were just radiating love and peace to others. I thought You know, that's what it is - being without ego. It's wanting whatever you want for yourself for everyone else. It's being a part of the All - being AWARE that everything you do and say and think effects everyone else and the world around you - it's wanting to radiate kindness and peace and love for the good of the One. In that space, I was able to understand it.
This was a few minutes before your comment - I had these thoughts then got back on my pc (at work) and here were your words. :)
Yes, I see.
I'm gonna stay with it for a bit.
Love to see you this week.