Wednesday, February 06, 2008

Mastery Part 7: I Am

There are even a hundred more thoughts that I would like to write about concerning this particular subject, if you can imagine that.
There are even a few reasons that I decided to write down these thoughts - mainly because I chose to record and profess my intentions.

When I first thought of the word Intent for my 2008 focus, I meant it as "this is what I intend to create for myself". Now my head has shifted, and I am in a space that reflects something closer to "I am creating all the time, and I am shifting my focus to this" sort of thinking.

There are certain things that I know to be true.
Things like I can completely heal myself. And like I create my life and my experiences. And I can serve by giving my life away - which today means acting and responding with kindness and gentleness (mostly just with my children, as I interact mostly with them - but, :), I do get LOTS of practice with them!)
Which reminds me - I heard someone (with similar spiritual philosophies to mine) say the other day - all of these great teachers - Buddha, Saint Frances, Jesus, and many other Saints and spiritual leaders - none of them had children. Ha! :) True enough. It's one thing to be a saint when you can spend your whole life in solitude on a mountain-top meditating (or praying)......
I jest, but still... You get my point. :)

And now moving on before I get struck by lightning....

Today - just today, friends - I was able to make a shift.
I've known and believed the things I do for a long, long time, some of them. I have a sense of universal laws, and understand that what you put your attention on grows, and that kindness comes back to you, and that if you want more of something in your life then it's prudent to give it away.

But somehow there has always been a gap between "I desire this" and "I Am this".
Not today.
It's like all the lectures and words and books finally sank in, and I moved magically from one to the other. In an instant.
My challenges and desires and requests are not something to pursue - but to Be.
The intention lies in the Being. The mastery lies in the Being. The understanding lies in the Being. The knowing is realized in the Being.

A
few times in the last couple of months or so I've written something that I considered putting in my In Pursuit of Gentleness category. I hesitated - it didn't seem quite right. I didn't want to pursue gentleness. That implies that it's evasive and not a part of who I am. I considered changing the category to In Gentleness, just so I can add more posts to it in the future - but I forgot about it until today.
I think that consideration must have been a fore-shadowing of this thought to come.

It isn't about being holy and not myself. It isn't about living in a numbefied pseudo-Zen state. It isn't about being a recluse on a mountain top somewhere in Tibet.

It's about bringing joy into my children's lives. It's about being conscious of serving that joy instead of my own feelings of "but what about me? I was treated badly..." It's about experiencing my infinity now, instead of after I die.

It's living
and laughing
and being joy
and being gratitude
and being beauty
and being abundance
and experiencing God today
and knowing now
and living greatly because I am...

All of these things because I Am.

2 comments:

ladybug-zen said...

really beautiful. i wish i were transforning at lightening speed as you so obviously are.

everyone time i finish reading one of your posts i think to myself, "now how do i get THERE? to that space." it's just not happening for me. at least it feels that way. in fact, i've been anything but kind, loving, generous, spacious, free...
i'm still struggling with letting go of my victim scenarios from my childhood. yes, i was abused in every way possible. humiliated, abandoned...like so many other people.
i want desperately to stop being angry at myself. to stop feeling ashamed. to let go of victimhood (is that a word?), but just when i think i've made a shift i'm knocked on my ass again by something else which takes me back to "oh woe is me".
big sigh.
thanks for sharing your insights and those magical leaps forward. they do give me hope for mine and my children's future.

Stephanie S. said...

LZ - I wrote a comment, but then I erased it because someone, somewhere could have been offended by it. And it didn't really have to do much with yours.
But you inspired me to write I Am, I Said, and I was able to clarify some things - hopefully I shall be able to find the path if I feel that I've wandered off of it.

You wrote "How do I get to that space?" and I think you're right, I think that you are without your seeing it. I read recently that we're always moving. I found that helpful. :)
The key for me was, as I said, to stop pursuing, and start Being. It was that simple. And it doesn't matter if it's only 10% of my day (on a bad day) because I refuse to see that as failure - I am only acknowledging the good - I want to feel Good. And I know enough that what I focus on (and act upon and think about) is what is going to grow. So I am growing more and more into these things that I want for myself (and my world and my children) each moment.

Such a simple thing. I can't imagine why it took me 22 years to come to it. :0

:)
love, steph