Saturday, March 29, 2008
It happened that my husband worked dayshift today instead of evening.
So he got home at around 5:30 or so.
Bearing dinner. (One of the perks of being Chef at a place.)
Right after dinner, I thought... Oh, I need a walk.
I know, I know... the usual.
It's so amazing to me how imperative these quiet moments to myself have become.
It's my life's breath.
I've always taken moments here and there, but let me just tell you - it is not the same.
Sitting down and saying "I need a few minutes, please" is not the same as being Out There (wherever your There is) uninterrupted -- just you and the sky.
As soon as I shut that front door behind me it all changes.
That's why it has become so imperative a practice.
The changes come over me automatically and instantly.
I don't even have to exert any effort. (Except the other day when I was trying to "walk it off", and I had that episode with that guy in the car.)
I just automatically fall into breath, and calm, and mindfulness, and a peaceful, blissful place.
I'm not running from anything.
I don't feel the need to escape the children, or my husband.
It's not about that.
It's... coming back into my self.
It must be like playing the violin with your eyes closed and with your soul wide open.
Like getting lost for hours in creating a painting.
Like a devoutest's time spent in deep prayer.
It's amazing how this practicing (oh so earnestly and sincerely) is sustaining me in my ordinary moments. In my everyone-needs-four-things-right-this-second-and-is-not-willing-to-wait-for me-to-get-the-first-one-done moments.
I cannot quite claim that I am constantly walking in bliss and perfect peacefulness -yet, thank-you-very-much, but I feel so very different from the striving, wanting to be different, short-tempered person that I have always previously been.
I am changed.
I've shed that part of me.
Tonight after my walk I asked dh if I could come downstairs for a while (which meant that he'd be on duty with the babes for the next couple of hours).
I brought down my books, notebook, ipod, things I thought I may need.
Left my shoes at the door.
I may even be tempted to grab a musty blanket out of this closet and spend the night with my stack of books and ohming and chanting music.
I'm not in a hurry to leave this place that I have found myself for the last couple of weeks, for I believe that I am building a strong foundation of the Self that I have always wanted to be.
I am Becoming.