a rather private affair

Ordinarily I do not share these sorts of things here, for a number of reasons, but mostly because they are a different kind of personal and private.
But, that being said, this is my blog, and a place for my truths, and my explorations, and this is also my only journal.
And I'd like to keep this one here.

After feeling rather... cleansed and renewed from my earlier explorations and writings I had a thought that I'd like to go downstairs and sit for a spell - meditate, and/or maybe do my cards.

I imagine Tarot cards mean different things to different people. Some folks have in their heads that they're a tool for wickedness. I'm not sure how they came to that notion, but whatever.
Some folks seek out "fortune tellers" to find out if so-and-so loves them.
Me, I use them to either make sense of a current perplexing situation, or to find out if there is anything that I need to be aware of that I am not seeing. Some folks pick up a book that has significant meaning to them, and let it open to whatever page guides them. I get out my cards.
I don't figure the answers come from anyone but me, it's my energy, my room, they're my cards, no one touches them but me (and occasionally the children if they are curious), and honestly there is a really comfortable energy flow with them.

The first time I went to do them today, when I cut the deck, I dropped them - high at the top (cutting them thick), which I never do. Being an "everything happens for a reason" kind of girl, I went with it.
The cards (the significator - which represents me; the basis - which represents the situation; and the final outcome) all felt... wrong. Not wicked, mind you, just totally different than they ever do. After I looked at those three cards, I knew that this whole reading was not right.
Starting over is not something that I ever do. I believe that pretty much no matter how the cards come out, if you remain open-minded you will see what it is you're seeking no matter the arrangement or words. But this spread clearly was not the case.
Funny, I spoke with my personal energies being blended with the cards, and as soon as I started turning them I knew this wasn't my spread (layout). No major arcana cards (I almost always get four, the exception being unless there is something really important going on, then, there there will be like eight) there was no affinity with my thoughts and feelings with cards I was turning over.
I found that interesting. I wrote down the eleven cards anyway, and their placement, then reshuffled them, asking my question again.

Which was:
In line with this what feels like recent "shift" in my consciousness, how best to conduct myself to be my most authentic self?

And here are the answers that I received.
Significator: (which represents You -well, me.) Strength (Major Arcana card - which means it does not belong to hearts, swords, wands, or pentacles. The more powerful cards in the deck). Spirituality and carnality can be brought together with courage and perseverance. Act calmly and with love. Through gentleness you accomplish what force cannot.

What covers you: (meaning surrounding energy): 9 of Pentacles. Abundance. Self reliance, strong sense of independence and freedom.

What crosses you: (can be opposing energy) Ace of Swords, reversed (which means the card was upside-down). Force. Concentrate on principles, not on form. Make long term goals, and initiate them immediately. Do not use force or manipulation.

Foundation: (what my question is about - the basis of the situation) Queen of Wands. Act as if you know how to initiate action. Prepare to be inspired.
Here I have to say Ha! This card made me laugh. In asking the question that I did, my intent or desire behind it is "How can I best be the mother and self that I most long to be?" Seems that this card tells me start out "right" - fake it - and pretty soon it will become a new habit and behavior of your mind and soul. Also, it tells me "Treat yourself as if you already are what you'd like to become." - which I have hanging on the wall in this very room.

Past (this obviously means what has brought you to this point.) Queen of Swords. Not very empathetic, though she has lots of ideas.
Ha! again.

What crowns you: (how you'd like to see things progress in the future. If this card is a negative one, then then the elimination of either the negativity energy, or the quality of your reaction to that energy, are the goals that must be accomplished. Ha!) 9 of Swords. Nightmare. Strange demons, repressed hurts and childhood fears reign freely. Worse than the sight of this chaos, is the feeling of being held in its grasp. The monsters must be met, identified, and fought in order to free yourself.
What can I say? This card says so much. While I have never been victim of unspeakable acts, thank God, and I know damn well that many a child had a much worse childhood than mine, I know too (or believe) that I did not have a very gentle childhood. I have a lot of anger and resentment, not to mention no learned healthy skills of how to cope with stress and how to be a gentle and loving parent. I fight these demons every day - my impulses and reactions are not ones that I recognize as being reflections of my authentic self. I am mostly ashamed and afraid of them.

What is before you: (the near future) Wheel of Fortune (Major Arcana card) What seem to be beginnings and endings are a part of the cycles and circle of life.
I shall keep that in mind. It's a process. I'll try to remember.

Your Personality: The Chariot. (MA card) Take the reigns. Enlist the help of the forces of nature.
Read: meditate, do your cards, carry a stone, talk to the moon, work a little magic when it suits you. You just do what you gotta do. Whatever helps.

How others see you: Queen of Pentacles. Dark hair, olive skin. Loves her husband and family, is interested in all they do.

Your hopes and fears: Justice. (MA card) Justice is not blind, but sees all sides. Getting to the core of the matter.
Interesting that this came up - usually this card represents either my fear or my hope - this one represents both. Fear that I somehow deserve the "bad" things that happen, and am not worthy to consider myself a good person, and also it represents hope - getting to the root of the matters so that I can dissect them, and they'll lose their power, as I begin to understand the why of it.

Final Outcome: 2 of Swords, reversed. Balance. The figure (in the picture) is diplomatic, without a trace of judgment. Harmony can be achieved by calming and settling the mind.

So upon finishing my reading, my question was "to what end?" What would be the purpose of accomplishing these things? Duh. Because you have a desire to live your life as your most Authentic Self.
lol.
Oh, yeah. (blushes furiously and rolls eyes at herself.)

Sometimes after I read my cards, I grab a Rune (an ancient stone with a subscription on it) to see if there's anything else.

Ehwaz, I grabbed. Which looks like an M. It means Movement. Progress. Ehwaz is a Rune of transit, transition and movement; of physical shifts, new dwelling places, new attitudes or new life. It also signifies movement in the sense of improving or bettering any situation. There is about this Rune a sense of gradual development and steady progress, with the accompanying notion of slow growth through numerous shifts and changes.

Honestly. All of this tells me so much. Not any earth-shattering news, as folks might imagine Tarot cards to do - such as "Watch out for the dark stranger, he will rob you blind and steal the money that you keep in your pillow case!" :) But I find it so interesting and fascinating - this reading.
While they're always pertinent and important, this one seems especially reflective of what I've been thinking and feeling, and a graphic refresher map of where I'd like to go.
Interesting.
Fascinating!