Thursday, December 03, 2009

thinking

Don't you love when you can let your mind freely wander and work things through while scrubbin' the kitchen? This has to be done while everyone still sleeps, of course.

Lots of thoughts lately on my simpatico with little son. Lots of feelings like "we're not friends", "we're disconnected", etc.

Been thinking that the best way through (for me, I've discovered) is to stop focusing on "this is wrong", and start recognizing all the things that go right. When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change. One of my favorites - not only happens to be a philosophical and spiritual truth, but also a scientific one... as any quantum physicist will tell you.

So - the idea is to recognize the Love.

Then thoughts meander down to "I'm just not a very nurturing sort of person." (read: failure) This comes from the current disconnect, from the fact that I forget to water my houseplants, and that we don't do well with small pets in cages. (Maybe that one could be chalked up to the fact that I am so against things living in cages that subconsciously I decide they should be ultimately liberated.)

Thoughts drift to "I want my son to be happy."
The very next thought is
For his own sake, or for yours?
That stopped me for a minute.
For a while, the answer was mine.
I feel sad that we're disconnected. I feel sad that he shouts at me instead of communicating sometimes (when in these thoughts, it feels like Always, and never mind where he gets it from), I feel sad that he doesn't say "You're my best friend." So, yeah. It's a "for my sake" thing.


Is that really true? Your main reason for wanting him to feel happy is so that your relationship (your feelings) will be elevated?
I thought about that for a minute.
No, it isn't. My main reason for wanting his happiness, is because I want him to be happy. That's all. That's most important to me. I want him to be happy.

Liberated.

Then comes,
Well, it looks like you're pretty nurturing, after all.
Funny the things you're telling yourself.
What else are you telling yourself that isn't true?

I'm thinking on that one, now, as I finish these pots and pans....

6 comments:

cypress sun said...

I could have written something like this today...and as my child sleeps I'm in the process of recognizing all the things that go right! :)

Nikki said...

This could also be a post I write in my head about dd. Disconnected. I am trying to turn around my mind chatter and thoughts using LoA. My meditation space is in my garden when on my own - amazing thoughts and clarity come to me there! I think too I am disconnected with myself lately which doesn't help and need to make more meaningful time for me.

Sally said...

ahhh. the beautiful Byron Katie. You said we move in the same circles and you really meant it. I've found Pam Leo's book really useful with this sort of issue (which I have certainly had too!)
I have a child who I'm so frequently told is the image of my husband that I find it difficult to remember I grew her and birthed her and spent 5.5 years raising her 24 hours a day ... until I question it.

I've been teaching my children inquiry with Byron Katie's book "Tiger, Tiger, is it true?" Lani seems to have really embraced it since and has begun to inquire independently. She thinks it is quite magical and cannot even begin to work out how it works, but it does.
x

Mama Podkayne said...

My Lily and I are having the same sort of trouble, especially in the past year. Thank you for sharing, as it helps this mama to not feel so alone.

singingfamily said...

thank you for this post. I haven't been here in awhile and that was just what I needed.
Kelli

Mon said...

A wonderful thought process.

In trying to fix things, as parents, it's too easy to be focused on what's 'wrong'. Looking at what's right can shift so much.

Hoping connection for you.