Don't you love when you can let your mind freely wander and work things through while scrubbin' the kitchen? This has to be done while everyone still sleeps, of course.
Lots of thoughts lately on my simpatico with little son. Lots of feelings like "we're not friends", "we're disconnected", etc.
Been thinking that the best way through (for me, I've discovered) is to stop focusing on "this is wrong", and start recognizing all the things that go right. When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change. One of my favorites - not only happens to be a philosophical and spiritual truth, but also a scientific one... as any quantum physicist will tell you.
So - the idea is to recognize the Love.
Then thoughts meander down to "I'm just not a very nurturing sort of person." (read: failure) This comes from the current disconnect, from the fact that I forget to water my houseplants, and that we don't do well with small pets in cages. (Maybe that one could be chalked up to the fact that I am so against things living in cages that subconsciously I decide they should be ultimately liberated.)
Thoughts drift to "I want my son to be happy."
The very next thought is
For his own sake, or for yours?
That stopped me for a minute.
For a while, the answer was mine.
I feel sad that we're disconnected. I feel sad that he shouts at me instead of communicating sometimes (when in these thoughts, it feels like Always, and never mind where he gets it from), I feel sad that he doesn't say "You're my best friend." So, yeah. It's a "for my sake" thing.
Is that really true? Your main reason for wanting him to feel happy is so that your relationship (your feelings) will be elevated?
I thought about that for a minute.
No, it isn't. My main reason for wanting his happiness, is because I want him to be happy. That's all. That's most important to me. I want him to be happy.
Well, it looks like you're pretty nurturing, after all.
Funny the things you're telling yourself.
What else are you telling yourself that isn't true?
I'm thinking on that one, now, as I finish these pots and pans....