I've been thinking on this subject some more.
(this post is related to "growth of the spirit".)
I don't know if I'm trying to justify hanging on to "who I am", as I may sometimes see it, or if I am truly exploring the subject. Maybe it's even alright to leave my judgments out of it, and just venture along... aimlessly... :)
On the one hand, I know that spirit has no agenda. Spirit has nothing to prove, sees nothing as antagonistic or offensive, and has no goal other than to just "Be". 0 On the other, as I said, I am visited/ran by the (my) ego. The part of me that's seperate, has things to accomplish in this life, wants to do the "right" thing, and even wants to "hurry up and master" the things I know I should.
Things holding be back:
A Need To Be Perfect. What do I mean by that, you veriest of the Brave Souls may ask? Oh, Stars, everything!0 From having a sublimely clean house at almost all moments (when in reality it is in hardly any moment) to spending at least an hour a day exercising my somewhat atrophied muscles, to having the guts and willingness to drop everything and to play "Kitchen Garfield" for three hours, meditating at least 20 minutes a couple of times a day, practicing yoga, being a fantastic, loving, accepting, nonjudging mother, saying and doing the things that I know are right all day every day, taking a walk a few blocks up the road to visit the ducks whenever Maddie requests it, keeping up on my chosen obligations (volunteer work for hsers), being able to inspire my children to fabulous heights when they're having a dull moment, and are looking for something to do (well, I'm always up for that), being kind and patient with my mother, strolling up the street to pick up a stray piece of garbage, reading online or from something inspirational like Conversations With God or Naomi's "Raising our Children" book, tending to my gardens, laughing with a friend, having all the drawers and my cupboards neat and tidy (and freshly wiped), the laundry folded and put away, diapers rinsed, windows washed, bills paid, and our truck clean and shiny (at least on the inside).
Some of these rank above others, of course. But I am speaking of my Perfect World. And one that I don't deem as unattainable, and (waving hand over head) out there, somewhere- but one which I see as "if I was doing it right, that's what it would be like". (shrug) I'm not sure why. Realistically, I know that no one (well, not too many) lives a perfect life. Everyone, even the heroes in my life, make mistakes, or have moments where they are not living their highest truth, or being the best that they can be - or want to be.
But Honest to God, it's not something I can accept from myself.
With everything that I Am, I know that there is a different way. In my early adulthood (20?) I read Richard Bach's Illusions. Which is tantamount to my version of perfection. Or... a requisite of this life, anyway. It was something that absolutely rang true with me. Indeed, I came to see such a way for myself.
Living such a life is what the goal is. Not only the goal, but the desired every day subject matter.
It's not that I these things are imperative because they are pressed upon me by others, but that it's what I view as the "right thing" for myself. I honestly could not care less how others judge my life.
But there is a little matter of the viewing of the thing.... I belive (truly) that I can/could materialize a blue feather into my life within the next 24 hours. No doubt.
note from author later (april 19): I left this post as a draft in my box for week, and now I'm going to publish it, unended. This will, no doubt, be continued.
I publish it at all because these are things that are always relative to my life and in mind, and I'll be exploring such thoughts many, many times. -S