Tuesday, June 05, 2007

In Peace - The Acknowledgment

I'm a little hesitant to look this one in the eye (jinx), but I'd also like to note this peace I've been carrying with me lately - for a little over a week, now.
It's not something (she laughs painfully at herself) that comes from any sort of Mastery.
On the other hand, it's not that I'm ignoring or pretending that my "bad moments" are not happening.
Yesterday (grin) - I did mention on olm that the first part of our day was not exactly ideal- ...we were getting ready to depart -loaded down with rod, pole, backpack, children, and oh-damn-it Annabelle has chewed through her leash and broke it, etc.- for our journey from the truck to our 'day hike', and all of a sudden dh said
"You're talking to me like I'm one of the children."
My comment was something like "Well, of course!" It wasn't my intention to be insulting, I hope you know.
And he continued complaining, saying "You're like... Trev, du-du-du. Maddie, du-du-du, Eric, du-du-du-du." (Meaning I was spouting orders.)
"Well," big smarmy grin "at least I treat everyone the same!"

But as unevolved as this quip is, and not exactly demonstrative of respectful living, I really think this thinking has contributed to my peace, of late.
Meaning I've allowed myself mistakes and errors, and haven't made a terribly big deal of them. I'm not chastising myself about it.
I'll notice it, and very quickly examine it, but then I'll say "Hey, Trev, I handled that badly, and I"m sorry. What I really meant was......" and he'll say something like "Ah, no problem, Mom!", being the very grown-up and ready-to-take-on-the-world boy that he is at five years old (I can say that for four more weeks!).
And I miraculously Move On.
It's forgotten.

I mentioned the other day that I haven't been reading a lot of How To books.
I'm referring to books like Non-Violent Communication, The Inner Work of Mindful Parenting, etc, etc. It's not that I don't respect them, or cherish them.
It's that when I study these matters I usually only remember the how of one or two key points, and then I get frustrated with my failure to practice them.
The thing is (and this is my point of this posting) is that usually they're things I can discover On My Own when I'm especially present and mindful. When I need them, they're there.

I'm finding a real peace just by going within.
I don't mean a formal within - as in taking twenty minutes to meditate on this matter - it hasn't even required that much.
It's almost as if I've processed all I need for the time being, and I just need to live.
I'm not sure how to voice it.
Because it's not even a matter of remembering all that I've learned, and consciously keeping in line with my Truth. It's even more subtle than that.
It's just being.
I'm in a great space, simply by being.

I"m not judging. I'm not fretting. I'm not feeling defensive.


whimsigal said...

This is a really great post. It's so easy to get mired down in the "how to's" especially when you're a person who just enjoys learning and imporving the quality of your life. But it's when you take a step back and live your life when the true transformations occur. I'm almost OCD when it come to reading material about whatever my latest favorite subject is and if it weren't for used book stores we could be in serious financial ruin right now. It's lovely that you have been able to find this peace within yourself. Inspirational to someone like me who is still trying to hit her stride. :)

By the way, Knight in Shining Armor is one of my all-time favorite books as well.

Stephanie said...

Hit my stride... yes, I think that's it.
I was thinking before it's almost a Zen sort of place, but I'm leary of calling it that because the loss will be painful and regrettable. But if I say "hit my stride" for a while, I can carry it for a possibly interminable time.
What a great thought!
(not that I won't have moments or days)
Thanks so much for this uplifting and inspiring response!
and how great that someone else knows Dougless and Nicholas' story! :)