Yesterday I was all wrapped up in the ugliness, as I said.
So I decided to sit Trev down and have a naked talk, and since I was reading about laws and running into (though I wasn't searching for it, certianly) yucky S.O. laws and stuff, I had the first "danger" talk with Trev.
"Anything anyone does that makes you uncomfortable is not allowed" sort of talk.
He (as boys will do) grabs a certain appendage, and says "But I can do this." And I said "certainly you can." Wondering if I have destroyed his innocence. And then he puts his forefingers in his mouth, stretching his cheeks,and says "And I can do this." And I say, "yes, you can." and he goes on to tug on his ears, and nose, and knees, demonstrating how he has power over his body, and how one is no more strange or private than the last.
I learned much, friends. Well, I knew that he didn't feel "wierd" about any parts, as toes to him are equally important to what some would consider private, but it was great to have it affirmed in all this ugliness.
I follow his lead, and say "Yes, and it's not alright to touch anyone else in a way that they don't want you to. Like when you climb on Daddy's back and he asks you not to. Or when you hang on my arm when I ask you not to (it makes me wonder if my right arm was shackled in a past life, as it makes me feel crazy to have that arm trapped.) Everyone is in charge of their own body."
I didn't bring up personal stuff, because he has never demonstrated a curiosity about such things, or even notices them, and I am not about to put a sense of shame, embarrassment, or force my child to grow up when he has never demonstrated curiosity about such a thing (aside from a few basic questions). To me, it's like introducing prejudice to someone who doesn't notice that people are even different colors. Not my place. It will come in its own time.
No wierdness. No loss of innocence.
Sigh.
A light in a day of darkness, to be sure.
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2 comments:
I've been having similar such talks with Damek as of late. There was a discussion on one of the unschooling boards recently and coupled with the big development going in behind our house with all sorts of workers there all day, I no longer feel comfortable with him running around naked in the backyard. I haven't mentioned "danger" and I don't want to scare him into covering up, so how I approached him was just to say that he has what are called private parts, and nobody but him should be looking at or touching them without his consent (meaning us as his parents & brother hanging out in the house, or if he needs help washing). Since talking with him and being open, he has been wanting to put on atleast his boxers before heading outside. I think before it was like he felt that his rights were being infringed upon when we TOLD him to put on some shorts, but now that we've sat him down and actually had a conversation about it, he understands and it's no longer about who is in control, but rather him making the choice to do it himself now empowered with the information he needed to make a conscious choice.
Hugs to you as you sort through all this madness of our world as it is today and not come away feeling helpless.
Julie
Julie - I appreciate your words and wisdom about this.
My head has been in such a dark place that I couldn't think of how to bring the information to Trev in light and openness.
Your words make sense to me, though, and I'll be thinking of having a more detailed talk with Trev.
Thanks so much!
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