It's been a shitty, ugly day today.
Full of pain, and terror, and paranoia, and doubts, frustration, and totally out of my own head and heart and in the bottom of the cess pool.
I've ignored my children all day -skimmed right over their delights and discoveries without even taking note of their joy (even, heartbreakingly when they were trying to share it with me). That just makes me want to bawl. Not intentionally, but had my head and thoughts in some very dreggish places, and I was not able to climb out of it.
Yesterday (evening) I was in such a great place - I read and was confident again in the way we live our lives.
Started off looking at laws again. Trying to find out if the children being in our backyard naked was illegal, or not.
While doing searches for that - while not coming across any por*ography (except for one adult site) I had to sift through all this garbage on se* o**enders ( * don't want any wierd searches leading folks here) and child por* laws, etc. For hours. Not the way I want to spend my day. Dregs, I tell you.
Then I had to read about how dcfs can and will take children away from their homes for a messy kitchen. Or laundry on laundry day. More and more crap. I also read that you don't appear at trial before peers (parents who would certainly understand) but a judge who is automatically looking at you as an evil-doer. And there is no presumption of innocence, in fact, but the proof is put upon the parent. You have to prove that you're emotionless, and contrite, and not angry and stable in front of a judge with an axe, while you have not seen your children in two weeks.
Yelled at my children "No naked outside!" rush-them-back-in-as-fast-as-I-can "Put your drawers on!" and they look at me like I'm crazy and mean, and that I make no sense. Which of course I don't.
It's total craziness, and I feel powerless to stop it.
I feel threatened. I feel threatened with my life (which is my children and home) and I feel outcast, and that I could never explain my life to one who would only accept contrition and absolute conformity.
I tell you this.... I will never, ever again, upon my oath assume that someone is even a little bit guilty when they tell me they have had problems with dcfs.
I am hoping that is my lesson to be learned in all of this... judge not lest you be judged.
I've been drug down.
With my puffy eyes, snotty nose, delirous mind and thudding chest.
Everything haunts me.
Tomorrow - tomorrow hopefully I shall obliterate this whole mess!
First I'll curse it.
Then I'll spit on it.
Then I'll feed it to Annabelle so she can poop it out.
Then I'll burn it.
Then... then I don't know. Maybe I can just feed it to the worms so that they can make something good out of it.
Blah. I gotta go. I'm spent.
Here's to tomorrow.