(this post was begun on August 8, and edited and published on August 14)
I wrote recently, while in the throes of self-doubt and re-evaluation, about writing to appease whatever discomfort or doubt may arise in Important Others.
I believe it was Laura who said something about "I hope you don't write for anyone else". I was really just speaking of my inlaws. And my sisters. Possibly a few homeschoolers. Maybe the dcfs.
I've got this thing in my head sometimes that screams for validation.
Not validity for me, as I feel Perfectly All Right with my choices, but validity demonstrated for others who may find me/us lacking.
I just have a soul deep need to explain myself sometimes.
Er.. that pretty much wraps up my writing meanderings, in case you have wondered... it is just something that I Must Do. I must explain it. I've said a few times before... I am a WHY kind of girl. So many of my actions, thoughts, philosophies, recreations, explanations, retaliations come from my ingrained need to answer this question.
For a long time in this ru/hs life I went along Perfectly Content, until a close beloved family member said "I just don't understand that. YOU are the parent!.... YOU need to take control..." and I saw/heard that as "You Are Failing!" and "You are not a good mother!"
It devastated me.
It was the first time I had been called on the carpet for what seemed to another as a transgression.
It surprised the hell out of me, to put it mildly. (Obviously, since I have still not recovered, a year later.)
It's not that I imagine myself to be a 'golden child' who can do no wrong.
I have a deep, deep sense of respect for The Call Of The Spirit, whatever that may be, and I expect - indeed, it's a given- that I shall be allowed to fulfill my own purpose as I see fit. I don't see liberty as a politcal right, just as the most very basic need of the human spirit.
Sometimes blogging is a way for me to report on our lives... a demonstration (for myself as well as Important Others) of "no need to worry about us, we are doing Just Fine". But mostly it's an exploration.
OLM (Ordinary Life Magic) is all about recognizing and celebrating the magic in childhood and family life. I find that the reporting of the beauty and fun aids me in seeing and celebrating the magic... and supports beautifully a Life Well Lived.
This one for me is a place to explore me. My head, my choices, my mothering, my loves, my woes and triumphs.
Writing these blogs is such an important tool for me, supports the two greatest things in my life... noticing the magic, and personal evolution.