Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Morning's Reflection

I had every intention of writing a post last night regarding the conclusion to which I had come.
But I didn't come to any.

The obvious answer is to not have expectations.
But I don't feel that that's it, really.
It's not as if I am constantly in search of the perfect day, every day.
I have lots of perfect days - which to me means lots of snuggles, and play, and imagining, and creating, and interesting conversation; and for me personally -observing, and time for quiet contemplation and writing.

My answer lies somewhere in my inability to let things go and not have a sense of doom or feelings of failure in the face of upset.

I'm not interested in tricks - those little handy things that get you from one place to another - because I tend to be excited about them for a second, then my desire to continue just fades away, and often it just feels false, anyway.

I'm interested in changing my mind.
My thought processes.
I'm interested in becoming fluid, facile, losing my automatic response of irritation, and feeling a soul-deep sense of... acceptance, instead. Adaptable.
I want to be adaptable.

How to achieve that?
How does one go about losing one's rigid behavior or thoughts (automatic responses), and become the opposite?

Patience, gentleness, and tolerance is certainly a part of this.
I see now that I could very well experience a whole new world just by embracing those things that I've already decided upon.
In more ways than I had anticipated.

3 comments:

whimsigal said...

I was having similar thoughts yesterday while watching, "Empire Falls" on HBO. Robin Wright Penn plays a very sweet, compassionate mom and her light and breezy portrayal made me yearn for those qualities in myself.

How to change something instinctive about oneself? I don't really have any words of wisdom here as I am probably further behind on this journey than you are. But I am here watching you travel on this path. So please take that for whatever it's worth. I'm here and I support your journey for change.

Evie

Stephanie said...

Evie -
Thanks for the encouragement, also thanks for identifying with me. I wonder if it's just a natural part of ru - wanting to always be mindful and kind and open and free instead of the patterns that were developed in our own childhoods?
All the more reason to do the work now, and have my children grow up without having to go through this also.
xxoo

Stephanie said...

Evie -
Thanks for the encouragement, also thanks for identifying with me. I wonder if it's just a natural part of ru - wanting to always be mindful and kind and open and free instead of the patterns that were developed in our own childhoods?
All the more reason to do the work now, and have my children grow up without having to go through this also.
xxoo