Wednesday, September 26, 2007

afternoon desperation

Here I am again.

Today I've found it really difficult to maintain my equilibrium.
It has been one of those days where I am frantic for two minutes of peace (so that I can 'get it together'), and the more I run the more demanding of my attention my children have been.
Of course.
I hate these sorts of days. I hate the feeling of desperation and panic.
I don't like being in a position where I just don't have it to give. It feels mean and hateful (hate-filled) and I question my ability to be a good mother. I feel I am mean and hateful.

We're all downstairs. I'm in my room - how lovely to be able to write down here - have notebook will travel- and the babes are in the playroom next door. They come in every few minutes because they like it in here, too.

Funny thing - just by sitting down, with my oils burning, the light low, and Coyote Oldman's "In Beauty I Walk" playing, all the darkness of a few minutes ago seems just a dream.
It has lost its power.

My mind is quiet, my hands are steady, my heart feels strong, and my spirit is at ease.
So... how did I now come to be here?

to be continued....

sidenote: turns out it's not even afternoon! looked at the clock and it says 11:42. Oh, my.

1 comment:

Kim said...

I've been wanting to respond to some of these posts but haven't been able to be on the computer for more than ten minutes a a time. It has been a crazy week with dentist appointments, church activities and general maintanance of the family. Not to mention I have not felt like writing lately. It must be THAT time of the month....HEY, it is. That explains everything. Type to you soon.