Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Serenity Now!

This morning (I laugh, it was before all the already reported chaos) I was thinking that I needed to post about the patience that I've experienced for the last day or so.
I really have - other than the potential disaster that I already mentioned. Even with that, though, I kept my cool, whereas on another day I would have shouted "Quiet!" or "Heeeeey!" In a pleading, panicked and "I'm so done" sort of way.
But today... I just hung on, and knew that I had to fix it fast and get out of it for a minute.
Yesyesyes, you can all see how unstable I am.
So what.
I have told you that I am a thousand times, now you have witnessed it from a front row seat, and have see how, exactly, it happens!
(Just so you know, Maddie is snoozing away, still, and Trev is letting me enjoy this luxurious moment. Bless him.)

Somehow, just by making up my mind that patience and gentleness was a priority, I have managed to keep it together.
Whenever I've been doing something - well into my own project - I've (mostly) been able to just stop and help them with whatever they've needed, and have been able to put whatever it is that I'm doing on hold for a bit.
Instead of "if you'll just give me a second, I'll be done, and then you'll have my full attention", and fighting my way to the end of my agenda, I've been able to say "what is it?", and have known that what I am/was doing is not necessarily Gone Forever.
Just that tiny shift has made a huge difference.
I am pretty positive that this is something every mother on the planet practices but me, but I am slow, you see.
I don't necessarily see it as a bad thing, though it certainly might seem selfish.
I don't see it that way, and the reason I don't is because it goes back to the old motto "If Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy." I used to feel really bad about that, and take the blame entirely for the emotions of my loved ones, but I've recently shifted that thought as well, into a more friendly one. Part of it is that I know (I've always known) that it imperative to care for one's self - or all of a sudden find yourself with pockets to let - nothing left to give. I've also stopped taking blame for my family's emotions is because we are all responsible for our own, and my loves have the ability just as easily to affect me, my thoughts, and emotions. It is not something that solely relates to me.

I've read a couple of places lately about this very thing.
It helped me to make the shift from "taking the blame" as I said, and which I am very, very good at, to "I can set the tone and mood of this household." I'm not sure where I was reading, though.

The point to all this is that I am making a shift.
While this has always been something I've wanted to attain, and have even achieved at times, sometimes even for long spells, I've always before gotten angry or disappointed with myself for messing it up. "What is wrong with you?!?" sort of thinking.

I've not raised my voice, or gotten upset, (though admittedly I was starting to get a little over-whelmed today) and I'm coming away still with no expectations/attachments to my 'behavior', no rigidity, no feelings of being afraid to mess up... nothing.

I'm just at ease, and the patience and gentleness are just there.

1 comment:

whimsigal said...

I envy you and hope to be in the same place you are soon. This was a great post! Thanks for putting it out there!