I've been wondering why I have been feeling everything is so urgent, lately.
I'm not a person that has to be on the telephone twenty-four hours a day (Eric and I don't even have cellphones, if you can believe that. We are the last on the planet, I think.), and I'm not always buzzing from this to that, hurry, hurry, hurry, let's go, go, go, people!, and my personality is not one addicted to chaos or constant entertainment and high energy. I am a lover of tranquility.
But for some reason, for the last while, I'm not sure for how long, maybe it's been a year, maybe it's been always, I have an almost sense of Urgency.
A sort of feeling of "I have to get this done now so that I/we can enjoy the rest of our lives".
It doesn't make any sense.
It's not that there is something greater, or more important, either.
We (as a family) certainly live each day well, I think - and by that I mean what best suits us as individuals and as a family- and I'm not discounting the importance and celebration of that...
But I still think "if I can just hurry up and get this done, we'll be all caught up, and can..." and now, here, I think, "...what?"
What is that something that I'm so eager to reach?
Maybe I have been for a long time, and am only noticing it lately because I keep hearing about our American society is in such a hurry. Maybe the lady last night in the cereal aisle was the catalyst, when I walked past her for the third time and she said "In a hurry, aren't you?"
"What?" Was I rude? I'm smiling and reasonably cheerful, even if it is six o'clock at the grocery store and I just got home from work and the children need supper.
In a hurry?
I'm not a mosey-er. I walk at a fast clip. Always. I drive at a fast clip, too, if the truth be known. Not Medusa-like, you understand (in the Rescuers, she goes around corners on two wheels), but still, I don't like to be impeded.
So again, what's the hurry?
I wonder now, as I write this, if it isn't lots of things.
When my house is messy, there's a "hurry up and get this done so we can enjoy our lives" thing.
I have an urgency to provide my children with a magical childhood.
I also have a sort of panic about my children growing up without my noticing and appreciating every moment.
Being unschoolers - life learners - might have something to do with it, too. I want to make sure that we have a chance to live our moments richly and thoroughly.
Maybe mortality is a contributor.
On the surface these things don't seem bad, I guess.
Other than after writing all of this I think "White Rabbit. I'm the White Rabbit!"
My fear is of carrying (and demonstrating) an attitude of "more is better", and "that will be even greater than this."
That attitude discounts our lives.
Dismisses the moments and the people as not fulfilled.
Portrays an attitude of "happiness is not something to be experienced, but pursued."
Not entirely, I feel that I temper it with loads of recognition. That's what OLM is about. Still...
My impatience is related to this, too, of course.
It's like I don't have time to lose.
That's it. (it occurs to me now.)
Every moment of my life is a too hurried means to an end. Even if the end is experiencing joy.
There's more here, but I'm not sure what it is....
I'll be thinking on this today.
Anyone have any insight or thoughts on this?