Sunday, October 21, 2007


I've been wondering why I have been feeling everything is so urgent, lately.

I'm not a person that has to be on the telephone twenty-four hours a day (Eric and I don't even have cellphones, if you can believe that. We are the last on the planet, I think.), and I'm not always buzzing from this to that, hurry, hurry, hurry, let's go, go, go, people!, and my personality is not one addicted to chaos or constant entertainment and high energy. I am a lover of tranquility.

But for some reason, for the last while, I'm not sure for how long, maybe it's been a year, maybe it's been always, I have an almost sense of Urgency.
A sort of feeling of "I have to get this done now so that I/we can enjoy the rest of our lives".
It doesn't make any sense.
It's not that there is something greater, or more important, either.
We (as a family) certainly live each day well, I think - and by that I mean what best suits us as individuals and as a family- and I'm not discounting the importance and celebration of that...

But I still think "if I can just hurry up and get this done, we'll be all caught up, and can..." and now, here, I think, "...what?"
What is that something that I'm so eager to reach?

Maybe I have been for a long time, and am only noticing it lately because I keep hearing about our American society is in such a hurry. Maybe the lady last night in the cereal aisle was the catalyst, when I walked past her for the third time and she said "In a hurry, aren't you?"
"What?" Was I rude? I'm smiling and reasonably cheerful, even if it is six o'clock at the grocery store and I just got home from work and the children need supper.
In a hurry?
Well, maybe.
I'm not a mosey-er. I walk at a fast clip. Always. I drive at a fast clip, too, if the truth be known. Not Medusa-like, you understand (in the Rescuers, she goes around corners on two wheels), but still, I don't like to be impeded.

So again, what's the hurry?
I wonder now, as I write this, if it isn't lots of things.
When my house is messy, there's a "hurry up and get this done so we can enjoy our lives" thing.
I have an urgency to provide my children with a magical childhood.
I also have a sort of panic about my children growing up without my noticing and appreciating every moment.
Being unschoolers - life learners - might have something to do with it, too. I want to make sure that we have a chance to live our moments richly and thoroughly.
Maybe mortality is a contributor.

On the surface these things don't seem bad, I guess.
Other than after writing all of this I think "White Rabbit. I'm the White Rabbit!"
My fear is of carrying (and demonstrating) an attitude of "more is better", and "that will be even greater than this."

That attitude discounts our lives.
Dismisses the moments and the people as not fulfilled.
Portrays an attitude of "happiness is not something to be experienced, but pursued."
Not entirely, I feel that I temper it with loads of recognition. That's what OLM is about. Still...

My impatience is related to this, too, of course.
It's like I don't have time to lose.

That's it. (it occurs to me now.)
Every moment of my life is a too hurried means to an end. Even if the end is experiencing joy.

There's more here, but I'm not sure what it is....
I'll be thinking on this today.

Anyone have any insight or thoughts on this?


Aubrey said...

I very soundly recognize your feelings in this post.
I, too, rush around the house acting like if everything isn't just so then we can't possibly get on with the real living.
I do believe that energy flows more freely in a clean space, but am against letting myslef be a robo-clean-up-mom. I know it's all in my head and need to learn that it's okay to have fun in a space that might not be sparkly clean.Thanks to the urging of my hubby and some inner searching I have let the reigns go a bit.
Lately I have been getting panic attacks for really no apparent reason, and the tightening in my chest and racing heart makes me get in the oh-my-god-i-have-to-do-it-all-NOW place. I have been able to find ways to calm myself and need to apply it to general living. We need to quit putting so much pressure on ourselves to have life just so and just have faith that we will always do right by our families, even if the couch is covered in dog hair and sticky mystery spots.
Don't know exactly where I am going with this, or if it even makes a lick of sense, so I will end it saying, I hear ya sister.

Stephanie said...

Seems like the only time I really stop thinking "hurry, hurry!" is when I sit down to write.
Thank goodness for that (writing).

I just wonder what that illusive "There! now we can better..." is about.

Seems wrong to be thinking that if I can make things (not necessarily just the house, but all the bills paid, all errands done, the pantry full, new library books, etc) Just So, that they -events and moments- will be better.

Maybe it's about perfect.

I think that could be it.

Aubrey said...

I think for me the key is to strike a balance between honoring the person and life I have right now, realizing that life and living don't just stop until I have made my life just so, and constanty taking those baby steps toward becoming the person I want to be.
Knowing that inner peace (or whatever place we are so impatient to reach) doesn't come overnight and by action alone, but comes over time through an accumalitive effect of all actions, thoughts, intentions, relationships, and on and on....
I think another piece of my puzzle is that some part of me (unsure how big this part is) has a need to prove that I actually deserve to stay at home with my kids. That somehow keeping a clean home, having intelligent, thoughtful, and unique children that are constantly amazing other's with how brilliat they are, always being on top of everything from thank you notes to oil changes while looking incredibly good doing it will somehow validate my being home all day with my kids.
Not sure who I am trying to prove this to...obviously some deep rooted insercurities of mine.
I know in my heart of hearts that no amount of rushing around like a mad woman is going to give me some big, shiny gold medal that says it's finally okay to live the way I do, but yet I keep running toward some imaginary finish line.

Stephanie said...

I think these are profound observations.

I want to think about it... I'll respond more later...