Thursday, May 22, 2008

flotsam

I've got some stuff floatin' and knockin' about that I'd like to get through.
Sort of like flotsam surrounding me that I'd like to be rid of. :)

That whole bit yesterday (well, I wrote yesterday, but the events were a few days ago) got me thinking again about parenting, control, and respectful parenting (or ru) -- which is sometimes construed or judged to be neglectful. Once in a while it's even questioned by our Selves.
Not that we doubt it really, it's just one of those things that creeps up every now and again.

For me, the best place to begin is "What do I want for my child?"
Actually it can even have a much broader beginning than that - it can begin with "What is my role in this life? Where is my place on the planet? What do I offer my fellow man and the Universe?"
But, for me, at this time "What do I have to offer the Universe (ie How may I serve?) has much to do with parenting my children.
Still with me? :)

So, we arrive to "What do I want for my child?"

I think that we -as a Society- just don't ask ourselves this enough.
I think too many folks are just going through the motions.
They just do the day-to-day stuff simply for the reason that they're alive. Here.

Maybe that seems dismissive or doesn't seem to give people any credit - but really.

If people asked themselves "What do I want for my children?"
Wouldn't we all come up with pretty much the same answers?
We want them to be Happy. We want for them Loving Relationships. We want them to feel Success - which means we want them to feel competent, able, to believe in themselves.
There are variables, but I think much of it comes down to this.

I don't understand why people cannot reason that the things that they are doing are detrimental to their cause!
Badgering annoys people! It makes them tune you out. It is not communication! (The same goes for rote learning, by the way. But that's another matter. Hmmph.)
Controlling people does not teach them self control (and therefore guarantee they'll be upstanding members of society). If that were so, people would come out of prison healed, refreshed, and good citizens. They don't. They come out ill-prepared, lost, scared, confused, and for the most part in the first five minutes are in the same situation that got them sent there in the first place.
Threatening a child with harm (You'll cut yourself! You'll fall! You'll break your arm!") does not encourage them to tread cautiously.

Have you ever talked to anyone who just exudes love and patience and gentleness from their Being?
Never have I met someone like that who did not say "I had really loving parents." ie - they adored me, they were so gentle and kind, they understood me and loved me.

If you don't come from that, then you have to work very, very hard to get there. You have to heal yourself to get past hurts and scars.

I think that sometimes (in my own experience) it's not that we don't want a particular thing. Or even that we can't see that we're not going about achieving it in an efficient way. It's that we're just trying to stay alive. We get into a frantic Self Preservation mode. Our heads start swimming, we feel anger pulsing throughout our limbs, the noggin starts to boil, :), you know. (Well, maybe you don't. Maybe it's just me.) And all we can think is "Survive this moment."

But to me that's all the more reason to not pass the feelings on to my children. I don't want these same things to haunt them. I don't want their reactions to overwhelm them like my own do me.
I want differently for them.

If you want your child to be Happy - then encourage him to find his Happiness.

If you want your child to have Loving Relationships, then help her to understand that she is in every moment Worthy of Love.

If you want your child to feel Success -by his own standards- then raise him to feel confident in Who He Is. Enable him to Trust himself. Supply him with tools he'll need throughout his life to make it on his own. Help him to understand he is worthy and able.

If people actually thought about the way they were doing things, I think they'd see the ineffectiveness.

By encouraging a child to find his voice, by not crippling her tests of strength, by being a facilitator in his quest for learning, by doing your best to support Who She Is right this minute (which may change in the next minute) we're not neglecting, but enabling.

By having open dialog instead of issuing orders, we are communicating.
By not impeding - we are encouraging.
By not judging we are helping them to Find Themselves.

Isn't that what we want?

5 comments:

ladybug-zen said...

lovely post. well said. thanks.

MamaK said...

Thank you! I needed this today. Not doubting, just love THIS Prospective, so again, thank you!-K

KMDuff said...

I don't think most people ever stop to question the method. This is how it was done to me, this is how I will do it. Of course it worked, I turned out okay didn't I?

Lovely post.

Stephanie S. said...

Thanks guys.

M - exactly!
Never mind that we develop heart disease, depression, cancers, take pills, doubt ourselves, harm ourselves, smoke, look for love in all the wrong places, feel that we're never "good enough" or "Perfect Enough" or worthy of Love, Heaven, or Happiness.
We're just fine!!

Image the wonderful, kind, gracious, and infinitely loving beings we could be (in All Ways and to every One)if we knew from the beginning that we were worthy of happiness and love.

I just think the world would be a very different place.

More to come - I've had a day full of Mama Angst. :)

Uh, actually, make that a :/

Or a >:( is probably more accurate.


sigh.

whimsigal said...

"isn't that what we want?"

Yes! Very well put, friend.