I'm a worrier.
Who doesn't believe in worrying.
Which explains a great deal about Who I Am.
My personality, my quirks, my idiosyncrasies, and my complexities which can also be called (and I do, believe me) inconsistencies and even hypocrisies.
Which, of course I don't like.
And have a hard time accepting.
But there they are.
And here I am.
I'm currently in the midst of a battle. One that I find no satisfaction in. (Don't think I ever do, come to think of it.)
I'm not even sure exactly how or where it began. Probably with one of those kick-my-ass sideways blows that leave me a little stunned and dizzy. That's how it usually is.
Probably from someone I love.
Not that I blame others, mind you, just that I have this Thing still, that wants to please and be understood and -heaven forbid!- Not Judged!! by people I love (or anyone, for that matter).
And then I get a notion about something, or someone says something ill considered (or not) and I shake my head, and try to make sense of it, and then DH says something, and of course I relate it to the other (no matter how convoluted it is - it's never convoluted when it's Me and My World we're talking about) and then the neighbor across the street tells my son "You'll break your arm!" because she has to say such a thing to him, because God Knows his mother never will!! And I just add it on to the list with the others.
Not because I like to dramatize.
Only because the phrase that ring in my ears over and over again is "What's the common denominator?" And the answer to that is always and unescapably "Me."
And every situation and occurrence in my life begs the question "What does this mean?"
Tonight in this tail-end of speculation and supposing, Eric came home and I laid it before him. I'm not certain that he understands. I probably confused him, and he'll probable stay that way until he reads this tomorrow, when he's bored at work.
Then he'll say "Aaah, now I see."
Well, maybe. :)
I don't mean to be vague, it's just that how it begins sometimes has nothing to do with how it ends, other than it's a cycle of my heart, soul, and head, and it's just another thing that I Just Gotta Work Out.
It managed to bring itself to an and tonight when A Neighbor (you know the one) came outside to yell at her child (yes, Yell) to not shout so while playing with the puppy in the front yard.
No joyful whoops allowed, apparently.
In a downright mean tone.
I'm not judging, I'm not disallowing feelings of a mother's frustration or angst.
I'm just Done.
I'm done being afraid of her.
I'm done being afraid of her judgments.
I'm done being concerned with what she thinks of our Freedoms and our Liberties. And we do take them - such as packing off for a day of play On A Tuesday! like yesterday.
I'm not going to worry about reputation.
I'm not going to bite my nails when I see her conversing (ahem) with the other neighbors.
I know I'm right.
I know that I am raising my children well.
I am raising them with love.
I am raising them to not be afraid of themselves and of their lives.
I'll not apologize for it.