Wednesday, May 21, 2008

worry

I'm a worrier.
Who doesn't believe in worrying.

Which explains a great deal about Who I Am.
My personality, my quirks, my idiosyncrasies, and my complexities which can also be called (and I do, believe me) inconsistencies and even hypocrisies.
Which, of course I don't like.
And have a hard time accepting.

But there they are.
And here I am.
sigh.

I'm currently in the midst of a battle. One that I find no satisfaction in. (Don't think I ever do, come to think of it.)
I'm not even sure exactly how or where it began. Probably with one of those kick-my-ass sideways blows that leave me a little stunned and dizzy. That's how it usually is.
Probably from someone I love.
Not that I blame others, mind you, just that I have this Thing still, that wants to please and be understood and -heaven forbid!- Not Judged!! by people I love (or anyone, for that matter).
And then I get a notion about something, or someone says something ill considered (or not) and I shake my head, and try to make sense of it, and then DH says something, and of course I relate it to the other (no matter how convoluted it is - it's never convoluted when it's Me and My World we're talking about) and then the neighbor across the street tells my son "You'll break your arm!" because she has to say such a thing to him, because God Knows his mother never will!! And I just add it on to the list with the others.
Not because I like to dramatize.
Only because the phrase that ring in my ears over and over again is "What's the common denominator?" And the answer to that is always and unescapably "Me."
And every situation and occurrence in my life begs the question "What does this mean?"

Tonight in this tail-end of speculation and supposing, Eric came home and I laid it before him. I'm not certain that he understands. I probably confused him, and he'll probable stay that way until he reads this tomorrow, when he's bored at work.
Then he'll say "Aaah, now I see."
Well, maybe. :)

I don't mean to be vague, it's just that how it begins sometimes has nothing to do with how it ends, other than it's a cycle of my heart, soul, and head, and it's just another thing that I Just Gotta Work Out.

It managed to bring itself to an and tonight when A Neighbor (you know the one) came outside to yell at her child (yes, Yell) to not shout so while playing with the puppy in the front yard.
No joyful whoops allowed, apparently.
In a downright mean tone.

I'm not judging, I'm not disallowing feelings of a mother's frustration or angst.

I'm just Done.
I'm done being afraid of her.
I'm done being afraid of her judgments.
I'm done being concerned with what she thinks of our Freedoms and our Liberties. And we do take them - such as packing off for a day of play On A Tuesday! like yesterday.

I'm not going to worry about reputation.
I'm not going to bite my nails when I see her conversing (ahem) with the other neighbors.

I know I'm right.
I know that I am raising my children well.
I am raising them with love.
I am raising them to not be afraid of themselves and of their lives.

I'll not apologize for it.

3 comments:

Mama Podkayne said...

I am having similar neighbor battles. She threatened to sue us we we filled the bee hive. She's been complaining about the sound of Lil'Bug playing...PLAYING in the yard in the morning (after 9am mind you). We live in a rough urban hood, apparently gun shots and ghetto thug music are ok, but not gleeful laughing.

You know what? I feel sad for her (after I stomp around angry for a bit). She is sad, lonely, and miserable. Our happiness accentuates this for her and that is the root of her meanie-ness towards us. Understanding that, I take it a little less here and try and show her some kindness. I try to radiate our joy so maybe she can have a taste of it.

Mama Podkayne said...

Also, old saying.....better broken bones than broken spirit. :)

Stephanie S. said...

The almost funny (but not funny, of course, because someone got hurt) about it is that she is forever telling her (turning 12y.o. next month daughter) don't do that, you'll break your arm, put that down, don't touch that, etc etc.
She can't jump on our tramp, (I think she actually tells her daughter not to speak to me at all - including hello) she can't scoot around, she doesn't own a bike, and especially WATCH FOR CARS!!! - we do not live on a busy street, and the child is twelve!!
Anyway - neighbor girl is sporting a broken arm. Got hurt on her scooter.
So day before yesterday she tells my son (I think she went outside to protect her bird, Trev went across the street just to get a closer look - not in her yard, mind you) and she laid into him "My bird has a right to be outside - how would you like it if you were trapped inside all winter blah blah blah" anyway, and then "YOu be careful scooting. See what happened to Her!?!"
I think it made her feel justified and superior, frankly.

Whereas it just scares me that she has frightened her child so that she's afraid to live her life (and watch out for herself).
As for Trev - he's never been outside the front yard without me (or Eric) and he bails onto the grass if he gets going too fast, or drags the toe of his (worn-out) tennies.
With the exception of the door slamming by itself on his finger and smashing/cutting it (certainly not his fault) he has never been injured, both of my children are cautious until they are really comfortable with something.
Hmmm.
Wonder if that could be because they trust themselves?
And follow that feeling instinctively?

I love your saying there, "Better bones than broken spirit." I absolutely agree with you.