a pirate looks at forty

sometimes i struggle a bit.
with being a pirate.

'cause, you know... i don't believe in violence.
but i do love a confrontational Stand. (even if i'm all alone.)

and i don't believe in pillaging.
but i'm not particularly lawful.

i love Buddha and Ghandi, and seek to emulate them (regardless of how it may appear).
but i have a soft spot for gentle outlaws, rough riders, and bratty people.

i would never steal from the blind.
but i'd probably (ahem) pilfer from the rich and share the spoils.

sometimes i think and feel like Linus, "I love mankind. It's people I can't stand."
but most days i want to save my whole Human Race.

sometimes i want to excuse myself, even from friendships, and to say "to hell with everyone."
and then instead i'll turn around and meditate on sending those same damned folks Love.

i want to be master of my life, and i want -and intend- to walk on water.
but i make no apologies for my irreverent (and possibly offending) choices in this life. and there are many.

i have lots of things i attribute it to.
myself, namely. (i like to think this contrariness is a part of my eternal nature.)
my Papa (pronounced Pah-paw). who called all the grandbabes "scaliwags".
my Grandma -his wife- who was a women's right activist almost before there was such a thing (excluding suffragists).

sidenote (added 8/28/2008): I did not mean activist, so much as living example. She was a woman working in a man's world - in a top position - for many, many years. I remember that her retirement was mentioned in the newspaper when I was a child, because it took a long time for them to find a replacement for her position.)

my Daddy, who rode bikes, taught me to ride one -a yamaha 120 suzuki 125 at age 10 or so-, and had a yellow Chopper [swoon] in our garage beginning in the late seventies. and regularly treated me to Cosby, Steals, Nash, and Young. and Cat Stephens. and Poco. and Three Dog Night. and Fleetwood Mac. and Bob Dylan. especially on sunday mornings while he cooked breakfast.
my Uncle Dean, (Daddy's brother), who is/was a pot smokin, beer drinkin, livin in the tropics beach bum, with kind brown eyes and sun bronzed skin. he sails on his two man sailboat with the dolphins. and collects sharks teeth from the early morning beach. swoon again.
a girlfriend who had real hippies for parents - young, blonde, and full of b-52's and fuzzy navels. and Corona's. they in the mid eightis also had a friend that we (my young friend and i) adored - he can only be called a real iranian guru. Imahn, was his name.

love all around.
contrariness all around.
screw 'ems, all around.



Mother, mother ocean, I have heard you call
Wanted to sail upon your waters since I was three feet tall
You've seen it all, you've seen it all

Watched the men who rode you switch from sails to steam
And in your belly you hold the treasures few have ever seen
Most of em dream, most of em dream

Yes I am a pirate, two hundred years too late
The cannons don't thunder, theres nothin to plunder
I'm an over-forty victim of fate
Arriving too late, arriving too late

I've done a bit of smugglin, I've run my share of grass
I made enough money to buy miami, but I pissed it away so fast
Never meant to last, never meant to last

And I have been drunk now for over two weeks
I passed out and I rallied and I sprung a few leaks
But I got stop wishin, got to go fishin
Down to rock bottom again
Just a few friends, just a few friends

(instrumental)

I go for younger women, lived with several awhile
Though I ran em away, they'd come back one day
Still could manage to smile
Just takes a while, just takes a while

Mother, mother ocean, after all the years I've found
My occupational hazard being my occupations just not around
I feel like I've drowned, gonna head uptown

Coda:
I feel like I've drowned, gonna head uptown

Jimmy Buffet, written in 1974


my mother is my only friend who has passed this big mile marker. (when did i sign up to be the oldest?)
i'm not stressing it too much, considering.

it's funny how no matter how much wisdom we have at six, seventeen (and some of us do), or twenty-seven, or thirty-three... something new happens to you when you're imminently facing forty, I think.

these moments of mine are coming more and more often of late.
i fancy it comes from being a pirate looking at forty.