Friday, November 07, 2008

upon examining emotions

I'm not even sure that I can bring any codification to this writing, but I'm going to try.
And no one is going to care about any of this craziness but me, but it's one of my "Big"'s in this life, so here I am.

Between remembering Thay's* words about embracing emotions ("I know that I am angry. I know that anger is a part of me, now.") in mindfulness, and Hafiz's beautiful words, I think I'm inspired to have a go at the "acceptance" thing.

I get a little frightened by thinking about the whole thing.
There's something there about "if I get rid of the bad, then I have to get rid of the good".
What I mean is - if I am successful in tamping down my emotional nature because I am unwilling to be carried away by anger or frustration - then I feel the trade-off is that I will lose sight of the magic. That I will no longer be enchanted by things that are ordinary to others.
It doesn't matter that others think the things (occasions, occurrences, moments) are bland or common (or that I'm an idiot for being amused by such things) - that's neither here nor there. What matters is me and my perception of the things I hold sacred or beautiful.

So that's part of it.

Another part of it is that I want my children to be emotionally healthy. And [groan] I'm the last person on this planet whom should be teaching such a thing.
For my hands are empty of any tools.

I'm not sure if I'm more emotional than others. I suspect that I am.
But it's also obvious that others have feelings and emotions, too, and that they handle them staggeringly better than I.

People don't walk around shouting at people or grumbling under their breath.

As I say this, I remember my mother-in-law saying the other day "I like to call people an ass under my breath. It makes me feel better."
And my mother will certainly stand in a line cussing and complaining (loudly) when she's vexed. It's most embarrassing, I can tell you.
But God knows my mother is not someone I want to emulate in the Emotionally Healthy department.

Another bit of it, besides the love/hate thing, is that I'm not entirely certain that being an Emotional Creature is intrinsically a bad thing.
I suspect that somewhere in there, it just Is What It Is, and that trying to change it is changing the very nature of the thing (Me) and I'm not certain that I necessarily want to do that. Or could, for that matter.
Is there something valuable in these volatile, wild, crazy people?

So this particular place is somewhere that I've found myself often.
Resenting not being in control and hating this part of me -and hate is a pretty fair word, sad as it is- to "the world needs wild, impassioned people". To keep things interesting.

Full circle.

This is where I come to the "Acceptance" part.
For what else is there to do?

This is why I loved Hafiz's words so much - when you get to a place where all things - great and small, good and bad - can be a celebration of life and love - the sun has parted the curtain and God has dragged you backstage by the hair to show you Truth - it's all a call to dance.
I don't read this in a "Welcome the bad, too, it's good for you" way - I've never really bought that, or been very fond of The Bad, but in an "It's all in how you look at it" sort of way.
Which I've had a fairly good understanding of for a while, now.

Just now, as I stop writing, and stare out the window, I think... "can I be with the emotions - take care of (heal) the anger, as Thay says, and still embrace and celebrate the joy? Is that fair?"

And my answer is,
Of course. You don't have to "reject" the bad (indeed, it is futile and detrimental to do so)- you can just be with it, experience it, but remember that God loves to laugh.
All of life is a celebration.
Create, create, create!
Create Joy. Experience Joy. Love. Laugh. Sing. Dance.
Create a happy life for yourself, if that is your choice.
You want to feel Good. You want to feel God.
Don't doubt it or question it, live it.
"Go running through this world, Giving love, giving love, If the falling of a hoof upon this earth (a most ordinary occasion, to be sure) Ever rings the Temple Bell."

So here I am.

Uplifted, after all.
Feeling vulnerable after such examination and exposure.

Knowing the answer is to just "be with" the vexing emotion.
It just Is What It Is, and there's no need to be afraid, run from, oppress, or hate the experience.

And just for fun - I'll not ask for it (for the challenge before it's time), but shall celebrate the good. The ones I like.

I'll rejoice, and listen for the Goddesses footsteps dancing merrily in time with my tempo, and for God's booming laughter.
Joining me in Celebrating and Creating my joyful life.

* The Vietnamese word "Thầy", meaning "master" or "teacher".

No comments: