i'm thankful for Me.

We were writing on our Thankful leaves for our Tree.

"What else, Madd?"
"Me. I'm thankful for Me."
I smiled, "I wrote 'Me', too," I said.

immersion

mmm.  on one of those moods...
this is why I am reluctant to say goodbye to summertime.
wanting to lie in the pool
-water-
under the afternoon sun and moon..
being a part of Bigger Than Me...
elements that seem apart,
yet a part of me...
needing to join in with The Everything.

doesn't make sense, does it?.

i'm just not done.
i want to fall off
and into...
to swirl and swish and immerse and bask.
earth
wind
fire
water.
i want it all, still.
i'm
not
done.

there's just so much.

I am reading Eat Pray Love.
Again.

Since I'm (perhaps shamefully) so disconnected from The World's goings on (aside from the few blogs I read and a handful of FB friends), I had no idea that it had become a movie.

Until a couple of nights ago when I logged into hulu to let Dr. Watson and Mr. Holmes charm me into sleep.
It's hard to say whom I have the biggest crush upon, but -today- I suspect it is the good doctor. But nevermind that.

Hulu presents a clip or twenty of Eat, Pray, Love. Starring Julia Roberts.
I watch one.
And then the next.
And then just one more - because I can't get enough.

I knew just where it was upon my shelf. Waiting.

A re-visit, then.

Oh.

Oh.

And,
Aaaaah.

Thank You.

Just that.
Thank You.

a letter

Thank You.
Thank You.

Thank You.

remember

note to self:

expect fantastic and extraordinary things.

work

Now, honestly.
Who could possibly be sad or grumpy while working (even under a summer's sun and heat!)
with all these flutter-by's flitting about?

gratitude

Tea!!
I'm grateful for tea.
Today green with peppermint straight-from-the-garden.
mmmmmm.

gratitude on monday.

my husband.

my prince,
my partner-in-crime
my cheering section
my side-kick
my best friend.

love you Rico.

gratitude in june

i am thankful to know

that things that seem

too impossibly beautiful

too be believed

...

are not

 

in deed

impossible.

gratitude

Right this minute:

Sitting on covered patio

looking at babe-

eating a popsicle
(because she can't resist)

wrapped in a super soft, warm blankey

next to the fire-

sitting in a favorite

Red

adirondack chair

with laptop on knees

laying back against

favorite pretty white

whicker 

something or other

feet up on stool

body feeling Fine

skin 

feeling

delicious

eyes ....

oh...

eyes feasting!

upon 

impossibly bright pink roses

against a grey

clouds/

moving/

breezy/

gorgeous/

energized

evening sky.

thank you!!

thank you.

gratitude - filled up

being filled on day five

I am in love and thankful--

for freckles
and skin pink from being bared in the sun
and littles toddling around in oversized t-shirts for sleeping
and the beginnings of blondy sun streaks.

gratitude : day four

(I skipped a day - I totally forgot on Monday.)

Tuesday found me sooo grateful for this puttering spot.
The day had some irritating things in it, and we found ourselves adrift and disappointed out in the world, and finally came home to console ourselves.

I did that here.
I so love this tiny corner.  It's no bigger than a small room - a little bigger than ten feet square.

 
It's on the north side of my bedroom.  Ivy grows up the wall.  There is a chair sitting under a lilac bush.  Our fully-grown pear tree hangs over the spot, always sheltering from the heat of the midday sun.
I have lemonbalm planted right next to the chair.  Lavender was planted near here last year, too.  There are plants and herbs on the outside of the path - green and white are the only things I've invited.
The earth is soft and rich in this space.
The water trickles or tumbles, depending upon the need of the moment. 
There is a cauldron close at hand should I need a tiny fire for something.

It is quiet
and nourishing,
peaceful,
and Still.

A small bit of paradise, to me.
Gratitude.

gratitude day three: sweetness.

Today I am so, so grateful that my Sunday morning began in the soft and quiet.

I got to just stand around in my backyard - mostly feeling the still, and listening to the birds singing.  I'm certain they were singing extra sweetly just for me.

In my wander I discovered another sweetness - a tiny rolled phlox flower - wound today, but ready to rise and burst tomorrow.

In these things I found comfort in the beauty and the plain living.
In these things were the reminder that Life (being living and love) is enough.
That there is no need to hurry -- to hurry the process.  To hurry the excitement.  To hurry the living.

Life explodes sometimes, it's true, and I wouldn't have it any other way -  I love those days!

But I am so thankful that I am comfortable enough with this life - and this skin - that I also embrace the still, and the soft, and know that there is nothing to fear...
and nothing to be proved.

Certainly, being in Peace is a fine thing for which to be grateful.

gratitude day two : even still

It's my turn (and Trevy's) to have the flus, I guess.

So, so grateful for a sparkling clean bathroom,
and an entire day of fifty-something-degree breezes blowing in and throughout.

a thousand days of happiness

When I was in my twenties (long before I had babies), and Eric and I were working to survive, as so many young couples are wont to do, I was asked quite often what I wanted to do or be -- presumably when I grew up.

My answer was always the same - and so, so heart-felt.

"I want to chase frogs in the creek with my son.
"I want to take art classes on Wednesday nights.
"I want to sit on the porch sipping lemonade while watching my lace curtains blowing in the breeze."

I am sure to a very many people, there is much lacking in such dreams!

But the funny thing is that those very things so define my life.

I play with my babies. 
I explore and create and express my Self in a thousand different ways.
I sit in bliss while gazing and dreaming.

It sounds so simple - and maybe it is.  I cannot imagine any life being more fulfilling or happy or rich than this beautiful one of mine.

And so.
This post begins a month of gratitude.
And beauty.
And happiness.

Because I am so very grateful.

News Flash

This just in.

I relate to people through feeling.

I cross barriers (or plow them over) through feeling.

I am finding my way to the truth of One,
through feeling.

Emotions and intuition
are my everyday compass -

I act and Do according to these.

Huh.

This! Just this.

Someone Who Can Kiss God

Come to my house late at night--
Do not be shy
Hafiz will be barefoot and dancing.

I will be
In such a grand and generous mood!

Come to my door at any hour,
Even if your eyes
Are frightened by my light.
My heart and arms are open
And need no rest--
They will always welcome you.

Come in, my dear,
From that harsh world
That has rained elements of stone
Upon your tender face.

Every soul
Should receive a toast from us
For bravery!

Bring all the bottles of wine you own
To this divine table--the earth
We share.

If your cellar is empty,
This whole Universe
Could drink forever
From mine!

Let's dine tonight with exquisite music.
I might even hire angels
To play--just for you.

Look!
Hidden beneath your feet
Is a Luminous Stage
Where we are meant to rehearse
Our Eternal Dance!

And what is the price of my Divine Instructions?
What could I ask of you?

All I could ever want
Is that
You have the priceless company
Of Someone
Who can Kiss God,

That you have the priceless gift
Of becoming a servant to the Friend!

Come to my window, dear world--
Why ever be shy?

Look inside my playful Verse,
For Hafiz is Barefoot and Dancing
And in such a Grand and Generous--
In such a Fantastic Mood.



~-~
Hafiz (1320-1389 Beloved Persian Poet),
from I Heard God Laughing

the view widens...

Prob'ly I should keep these thoughts to myself, but this is where I think, so....

(Feel free to skip over this.)

Yet again I can relate this book to my broader vision or philosophy -

(Talking about the negative, depressive voices we hear -and listen to- in our heads)
"What is most debilitiating about negative thinking is that those voices slip in the back way, unannounced, and start taking over the sound system and manipulating our feelings. As psychologist William Kanaus says, "You can tell a depressive thought by its results, you feel worse." Falling prey to emotional reasoning, we mistake feeling bad as validation of the thoughts, when actually it's just a natural and temporary reaction to hearing something unpleasant; it doesn't permanently change the reality of what is true. We need a bouncer at the door of our mind who informs us through the intercom, "This is your negativity talking. This is not a voice to be trusted." to protect us from the effects of just letting that voice in."
Tamar E. Chansky, Freeing Your Child From Negative Thinking

Though I usually muddle through these things on my own - and do alright, mostly (if very, very slowly) - it is very reassuring to read about such things in a book, and know that someone has an idea or two about switching things around.

I am wholeheartedly a person who believes in not only "what you think about grows", but also that "when you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change", and so I try my best to slam the door on the negative thoughts pretty quickly and effectively.

We'll see what the ideas are here about changing the relationship with the thoughts, and how that relates to my own ideas of "wanting to feel good".

Sharing...about Negative Thinking

I had to share this, just in case it will be as.... salvaging... to someone as it has been (immediately) to me.

My son isn't a dark and moody person.
But I do have trouble with his emotions, and the explosiveness of them.
Just the ones that come from frustration... the rest I am at ease with.

I always say that he comes by it honest, as his Mama and Daddy are both emotional, "wear it on your sleeve" people.
And the three of us (Eric, Trev, and me) have to pay close attention to oncoming feelings of stress, and get it (physically) out of our bodies, otherwise we're explosive and agitated.
If it doesn't come out of us through intentional exercise, it will come out at the expense of those around us. Something that took me way too long to realize. [Rolls eyes at herself.]

Anyway.
So Trev's not a "doom and gloom" kind of kid.
But he does tend to tailspin, and does get sucked into a dramatic vortex of "Oh, I'm the worst person, ever!" from time to time. (Of course to this we always "No, you're not, Bud, everyone makes mistakes, it's no big deal..."
But it is always the same, and whatever I offer doesn't help.
This has been a sore subject with me particularly the last year. Most of my Mama Complaints have to do with this subject. (My complaints are never "something is wrong with my child's behavior", but rather "there is this problem, and it's up to me to fix it, and I don't know how."
"I don't know how to reach Trev."
"There's a disconnection, and I don't like it."
"I don't know how to deal with this angst."

In steps Freeing Your Child From Negative Thinking, by Tamar E. Chansky, Ph.D.
I have never even heard of this book.
I was online at my library's page, and requesting "Raising Your Spirited Child" and "The Heart of Parenting: Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child", and at the bottom of the page, were similar books, and Freeing Your Child From Negative Thinking.

Couldn't hurt, I thought.
And, as it happens, it came to my library immediately.

Let me just share a few things with you.

Jaw-droppers, for me.
A person who absolutely and unequivocally believes that we have the power to heal or harm ourselves with our thoughts, and in the whole microcosm/macrocosm Universe.

(A little sidenote: Seratonin in the brain can not only be raised by acts of kindness, but it is also raised simply by witnessing acts of kindness.)

• "The relationship between behavior and neurotransmitters is reciprocal, a two-way street: Serotonin impacts behavior and mood, but behavior impacts serotonin levels as well. When our mood is low, we may have less serotonin available, but when we make changes in our mood or behavior, they register as changes in brain activity as well. In other words, our biochemistry both reflects how we have learned to respond to situations and may dictate our tendencies to respond in certain ways. This process of changing brain mapping through changes in behavior is what neurobiologists refer to as neuroplasticity. And it is why we can have confidence that if we engage in cognitive behavioral techniques, "depression can be cured", in the words of Martin Selgman.

(Very satisfying to find a that there is a scientific name for the body/mind/creating connection... Neuroplasticity.)

• "..... The second strategy for working on neutral thinking is to neutralize the punch of the negative by doing nothing short of simply accepting it-- embracing it wholeheartedly.
  

Aah. Mindfulness. :)

• Flexing neutral muscles: "What may seem like an exercise in good etiquette is actually cultivating the discipline of observing life without judgments, criticisms, and comparisons. For example, the comments above" (which were "That broccoli is so disgusting!" and "Charlie is such a slob!") "...could be rephrased humorously as follows: "This darkish green treelike vegetable is the champion of bitterness, and it is remarkably tough"' "Charlie is a great collector of things, and keeping things neat and organized is his next great challenge." Asking children to become impartial observers of things outside themselves will be especially crucial when the judgments and criticisms are aimed at them."

So after skipping around a bit, and reading these two gems, I decided that I need to actually read the book from cover to cover.
So I began it.
And found this:

• "The problem is that parents may feel daunted by learning how to help their child create these new tracks. Their responses to this point - frustratingly ineffectual - have been either to rush in with reassurance or, after reassurance exhausts everyone and gets nowhere, to get fed up and say, "Enough!" which leaves them feeling like horrible, insensitive parents. [ahem.] Parents' uneasiness and uncertainty about how to approach their child [yeah. ahem again] is not lost on the child and only rocks an already wayward, unbalanced vessel." (Which is the whole reason for my trying to figure this out... I want my child to be emotionally healthy, and am not sure how to point him in the right direction... as I was never really given any tools myself...) "On the one hand, the parents see their child suffering and want to make it better; on the other hand, talking about what is bothering their child feels like a process that could spiral into a complaining fest on a good day or, worse, a bottomless pit in which the child - holding onto his negativity like a heavy anchor- is not only not ready to let go but is going to take his parents down with him."

lol.
Yeah. Well.

Fascinating.

I certainly don't think my child is depressed, nor do I worry that he is heading that way.

But I am so happy to have found this book, and look forward to being able to face the unhappy and powerless moments with tools and a different mindset!