So now what?The obvious answer is it's time to get really clear about what it is that I want. Now that a lot of the debris is out of the way.
Which has been the reason behind all these scattered thoughts, explorations of feelings, and examinations of patterns.
To come to a place of clarity.
In Pursuit of Gentleness.
Absolutely.
Gentleness is absolutely something I want to claim for myself.
Patience, I absolutely believe, and tolerance, are an imperative part of that.
When I first began the quest, somehow just by having it in my mind that I wanted to make kindness and gentleness a priority I was able to do it.
It just came.
The keys were letting go of the dreaded agenda, and trusting the children to work out their problems for themselves.
Guess both of those would come down to letting go of control, wouldn't they?
Hmmm.
Not in a "don't play with that that way, it's wrong" sort of way - which I never do, but in a "let's keep the peace of the household (and my head)" sort of way.
Conditional.
My peace of mind is conditional.
That's what I need to change. I need to actively do things (as Melissia suggested) that will help me to maintain a healthy environment for tolerance to flourish.
Evie's right too, intention is very important to me. The trouble is that I get side-tracked, and pretty soon I'm focused on something else - backing up a couple of steps, instead of remaining true to the course. (ie fixing a mistake, or wondering at my frustration instead of dismissing it and working on the present. Moving backwards.)
So.
The keys will be to make sure that I have time in the morning to do what I need to do (think in quiet).
Be unattached to whatever I am doing - be okay with the notion that I can come back to it later.
Be tolerant of my emotions if I feel tense or stressed.
Remember that my children are individuals, and so is our family dynamic. (I'll go more into this one later.) Be accepting of it!
Be aware of ways to support/encourage a healthy and happy environment throughout the day.
Remember to be in pursuit of Gentleness.
6 comments:
Man, this is a really powerful post. I have been sitting here reading it over and over again because there is just so much here. One thing that really struck me when I watched your "Whirled Peace" video was the incredibly sweet and tender way you interacted with your son. It's obvious that you two share a special relationship and that he loves you very much. We're all human and sometimes, emotion is going to take you over. Thank you for getting that dang song stuck in my head, by the way. It's good to try and get a handle on your emotions but don't be too hard on yourself if your emotions happen to get the best of you once or twice.
Sometimes on these journeys to better ourselves and our parenting skills we can be a little hard on how we've done it in the past or if we make a mistake. You're such a good mom, Steph and your kids are evidence of that. You can do this and it's clear from your post how serious you are in changing your "conditional peace". The internal reflection you've been doing is really powerful and I thank you for sharing it with us.
I hope this comment made sense because my kids have come in an interrupted me a gazillion times and I have lost my train of thought over and over again. If it's rambling, I apologize!
Evie -
Thanks so much.
Your support means a great deal to me, and I thank you for sharing your thoughts with me.
Being open is difficult - you never know how people are receiving your words, and if you'll be condemned, judged, or dismissed for expressing them.
While I certainly write for myself, to work things out, I still wonder if sharing intimate thoughts is helpful or a good idea. (Not very many people do it.)
Anyway - thanks again, as I said, as long as there is someone out there interested (who won't be mean), I spose I can keep putting it all on the line.
:)
xxoo to you, friend.
Steph
I'm glad you put yourself out there because selfishly I need to read it! I learn so much from coming here.
I hope you continue to share your thoughts and feelings. As I've said before, it's a very brave thing to do.
xxoo right back at ya.
Evie
I know exactly where you are at. It is realizing that although you are an emotional creature and you are going to feel things- the feelings do not have to choose how you behave in any given moment. Everyone has their moments where they let emotion take them, I think catching yourself at it, being honest about it, and then getting right back to your cherished value or principle makes it a habit. A habit that is in keeping with your cherished value or principle.
You know that saying about how at some point it becomes more painful not to bloom- I think that is what happened for me. Not that I am perfect or the Dalai Lama or anything. But it was obvious that not living my own principles made me suffer. I was tired of suffering.
You are a great momma. Your children love you.
One thing that I keep thinking about from one of the books I read recently was this statement "They had the will to face the harsh reality of where they were at and never lose faith that they would prevail in the end."
I choose the values to live my life by, I am honest with myself when I am not living them (even if it is harsh and ugly), I get back up on my feet dust myself off and go right back to living my values. That process repeats over and over every day in cycles. You don't have to berate yourself but excuses do not help either in my experience.
Sorry-I am not trying to preach but share something that has been reall powerful for me.
:) M
Melissia -
there's a lot here, I'll be thinking on it.
Thanks for sharing.
Steph
Steph,
I have a lot going through my head and need to think it all through but wanted to thank you for your thoughts.
I love the free therapy...it scares me to think of the place I could be without the benefit of reading other's bits of wisdom.
Love to you,
Aubrey
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