I'd like to say a few words about motherhood - specifically regarding the trials of those that are doing their damnedest to live mindfully and lovingly.
Something that all r.u.ers strive for, but certainly many others do as well.
It is so devastating when we find ourselves - no matter who we are - being 'less than' what we most desire.
I think a part of it too, is that most of us who are striving for a different way, a better way, have many wonderful people in our lives to show us the way.
We just don't seek out friends who are so very different than us, and who choose to live and parent an entirely different way.
So we surround ourselves with these beautiful supportive paragons, and do our best to emulate and be guided by them (and our little children too, of course).
But in that beautiful and loving space, we often think ourselves alone and without someone to share our dark tales.
We look around for a safe place, a place of no judging, and where we can scream "aaaaaaaaargh!"
It's so painful sometimes!
To Know The Way, and to behave differently (even contrarily) is so incredibly annihilating to our spirit.
We get angry at ourselves, (after the anger at our loves), and reject ourselves utterly - and abandon ourselves to our deserved hell.
Maybe I'm being dramatic, but to me, in these dark moments, this is how it feels.
I know the way. Why can't I do it? Why don't I even care?
It's a place of desolation, friends. It's just not there to give.
I've even said those words to my children. Not often, thank God, but more than once.
"I just don't have it right now."
It's a sort of frantic, desperate, hunted place.
On the other side of that frustration we eventually find our peace, again.
Often it comes with remorse and tears.
Some of us choose to hash out our process in the written word - publicly, even. And some of us write notes to ourselves to place upon the refrigerator - in hopes that we will manage to avoid that dark place for eternity- never to be revisited again.
Here's the thing.
I, for one, have been there.
It is not an enviable position.
It is not pretty.
It's not something I like to remember.
But it's not necessarily anything to be ashamed of either, friends.
Whether you've been there, or not.
It just is.
It's a part of Your (My) Process.
It's a part, maybe, of our own childhood.
It's a part of our own personality.
We need to make allowances for ourselves - and our fellow mothers - and give us all room to grow and stretch and be and discover and evolve.
And most of us do (allow the room).
Just because we aspire to a certain thing, or way of life, doesn't mean that we reside there, in perfection and absolution, in every moment and every day.
I don't think that's a cause to judge or to think unkind thoughts.
Even of ourselves.
Love and more love to all the Mama's.