Tuesday, September 30, 2008

on the side

mumbled jumble.

I've been living my life on the Outside.
Which to me means parenting on automatic pilot (though thankfully my "auto pilot" has come a long way in four years, and is mostly one I can trust, as long as I'm not operating in an angry or stressed state), living life with lots of action, reading lots of story books (mine), and spending loads of time with friends.

A couple of things occurred to me last night - as I was talking the ear off my friend. [ahem] Again.
One is that I haven't been writing because I've been getting through things in conversations, instead. Poor friends. :) Two - an introvert living as an extrovert is an interesting experience. I don't mean that I don't regularly experience these periods in my life - I do. What I mean is that I sort of feel cheated. Like I'm being superficial, I guess.
I like doing the work to get down deep into something. I can't explain the process, other than it's just a matter of organizing thoughts.

My focus in the last few months has been "I'm not the parent I want to Be."
Duh. Way to go about manifesting something, Steph.
My friend slapped me upside the head yesterday and said "You're focusing on that, instead of doing the work and changing it."
Indeed.
Focusing on what I don't want, what Is, and therefore creating more of it.
Just as if I didn't know better.

So I came immediately (after her statement) in my head -not out loud- to "But I don't know how to Get There. What work do I have to do?"

God, I'm an idiot.
I'm such an idiot.

I know the answer as well as I know my own Self.

I've just been too busy living on the outside, the underside, and on the side to sit still for a moment and Listen.
When I was finally still last night, I remembered.
That is, re-membered.

Something I've even written before.

You cannot Get There. You can only Be There.

So that's it, isn't it?
I can only choose well-being in this moment.
I can choose happiness in This moment.
I can choose kindness in This Moment.
It is in This Moment only that my life, my love, and my existence lies.
Everything else is formless - all the Ago's, all the Tomorrow's, and all the Next Times.

They're ethereal, vague, and shall never come.

In all moments -
I cannot Arrive - I can only Be.

2 comments:

kath001 said...

Oh how I love this post. You are one very smart, and very sweet, girl. k

Stephanie S. said...

aunt kathy-
i thank you most kindly. it runs in my family.
xxoo