Wednesday, November 12, 2008

out on a limb continued: working it through

Note: I wrote this post this morning, when I was still working though some problems in my own head. It has sat all day in Drafts, and I didn't think I would send it. But now I have decided that I will send it. It Is What It Is, and I'll not apologize for being hurt, doubtful, vulnerable, and worried. If you can't take it, don't read it. I don't mean to be rude - I'm just feeling defensive.

Sometimes I resent having to come up with answers all on my own.
Sometimes I feel angry that people don't share wisdom like "Seven year old boys are obnoxious."
Sometimes it pisses me off that I have to read on someone's blog "I'm sorry that stating whom I was voting for (or what I was worried about) offended you because you do not come here to read about reality, only about sweetness".

At the moment I'm upset about these particular things.
Not that I'll remain angry and hurt about it, for no doubt as soon as I'm done here I'll be feeling better.
And it's not my intent to relieve myself of frustration while upsetting others.
But hell's bells.

After my friend sent me the email, and after I had talked with Trev, and after my Aunt's note of encouragement, I eventually arrived to a place of "You're trying to separate it from "usual" - to make the specific situation be the problem, and it's not. It doesn't matter if it's two boys or two girls, or one of each. It's the same." (when we're talking about a tot, and what is funny or interesting. Noses, ears, tummy buttons, or parts.)

So often when I'm having a big problem with something, I cannot step out of my own head to fix it.
Like when I was around 29 or 30, and Eric said something about "kind of have a crush on her", and I was ready to kill him. Not because he had a crush on someone (I knew he adored me, and did not feel threatened by it), but because I had been ready to leave him the year before because I had found someone attractive and thought it meant that I no longer wanted to be with Eric.
And that I felt like a horrid mother because I found my child annoying, until I read "seven year old boys are obnoxious." That was a doozy. One day I had this sweet boy, and the next I had this Beastie that thinks poo and burping is hilarious, and that spends some of his time coming up with the most obnoxious and annoying sounds and screams on the planet. Mighty irritating at times, I can tell you.

So here I am, complaining that no one ever writes about these things to enlighten me with The Truth Of Things.

Yesterday I needed a "You're making too much of this. It doesn't matter that Maddie is a girl and Trev's a boy. She'd be doing the same thing if Trev were a girl."
"Talk with Trev about it."
Which I did again, this morning....
"Trev, can I talk for a minute?"
Maddy hadn't gotten out of bed, yet. We were in the livingroom - he had come in to get a prehistoric documentary.
"Sure, Mom."
"I wanted to talk to you about why I freaked out yesterday." As I have been trying to backpedal since then. Process, don't you know.
"Okay, Mom."
"The reason why the "privaxx parts" are private, is because that's where the sex organs are... the mating organs."
"Mom," he laughs, "Please don't say organs!!!" bwahhaha
Trev has a very sweet and charming way about him with "private" time. He'll say things like "when Annabelle will have puppies, she'll mate with a Male, then a while later, she'll have Privacy and have her puppies."
"But... do you understand that that's why we keep that to ourselves? That they're not for others to touch, and for touching others with?" (thanks for that one, S)
"Mom." blink. "You should be saying this stuff to Maddie, not me. I already know about this stuff."
"Well," I love you so much - thankyou for being so blase' about this and helping me through it, "I just want you to understand that I need you to tell me if things like that happen."
"Okay, Mom." And off he ran with his Before The Dinosaurs in hand.
So it's now been down-graded to a non-issue.

But I don't understand how even in this day of ultra communication, we still have to have these sorts of rough patches.
I understand that people are hesitant to put themselves on the block (believe me, I understand this!), for all and sundry to judge and condemn, but why does it have to be like that?
When I was trying to search for information yesterday, I ran across a parenting site of questions and issues. This woman had said that her daughter complained of burning when she was bathed with soap, and wanted to know if it was normal. I can just imagine the thoughts going through her head.... "has she been hurt?" "why does she seem irritated?" and so forth.... and, thank God, several people wrote back, "Perfectly normal, soap is not needed, self-cleaning oven," etc.
I could well understand her concern - these are precisely the same sort of worries that I have.
No doubt she was terrified of even asking... was worried that people would doubt, judge and condemn her. (With whom does she leave her children, Doesn't she watch carefully, etc)

Of course I understand that these are specific concerns, and not something the General Society wants to read about over their morning tea, but obviously folks besides me have these sorts of concerns, and what is the benefit in pretending that people don't?
It seems to me that not talking about our hopes, trials and fears is just separating us more from finding friendship, empathy and love with our fellow man.

Oh, no, that's not for blogs!
Psh. Take it somewhere else, Indeed.
Where, I ask you?



Shelane said...

there's something so cathartic about getting it out, don't you think?

Stephanie S. said...

After I had talked with Trevelyn this morning about it, I could put it to sleep. But I was still pretty mad that it had to be such a taboo subject, and that these are things that even mothers are supposed to keep to themselves.
I read the other day on Soule Mama's blog that she was making an election scarf, and for whom she was voting, and people were very upset over it. They said "We don't come here for that...." and I felt angry and disappointed at people's outrage about her expressions.
That's what blogs are for.
For sharing.
I get mad at the isolation that one feels when we're expected to report one thing, and not another.
So yes, that's the complaint I needed to get out.
And I do feel better, :), thanks.

Aubrey said...

same thoughts that i have been thinking over myself.
the sharing of yourself on your blog, pretty or not, is always appreciated and loved by me.
sorry that i didn't help out earlier, but i promise it wasn't because i thought it was taboo or a topic i wasn't interested in, i was just too far into my own head.
again, sorry.
love you.

Stephanie S. said...

I didn't really mean that others should fix it for me, even though that's what I implied on the phone. I just mean that we should be able to share without being terrified of being judged or given a set-down.
I think when we share, it helps folks to know they're not alone.
Or that we're all feeling people.
Isn't that a good thing?

Mama Podkayne said...

I meant to post earlier too. I had a similar problem this last summer with my then three year old (Lil'Bug!). Only she was clothed and it was not just us. She was rubbing on table legs, family members, pushing against seatbelts, etc. ALL THE TIME. Then she started waking in the night (about 30 times) thinking she had to pee, but then couldn't. Of course I took her to the doctor. Exam showed everything normal but for an ear infection. ?????

The midwife explained to me that little girls have hormonal surges, sometimes when the growth spurt, and they don't know what to do. She explained it to tot AND to me.

No problems after that (for us, for her favourite toy bear......well.....)

Hope that helps. I found it extremely frustrating that I couldn't really blog about or search it out on the computer. I knew it was normal, but how do you bring it up, even to friends? Gah.

Stephanie S. said...

Thanks so much, MP.
It is hard to bring up.
Especially when hardly anyone ever does!

Mama Podkayne said...

I am so glad you did. Even if my comment isn't really any help, just knowing that I am not really alone in the universe helps me. You know?