Tuesday, May 27, 2008

the camera and the crazy lady (which would be me)

Remember when my camera stopped working?
Right after that my posts slowed way down.
Then I sort of borrowed/rented one. A newer version of mine, for the sake of prudence.
I bought it (at Walmart) with the intent of possibly returning it when mine was fixed.

I didn't use it very much.
I didn't ever put the strap on.
I didn't use the software, or open the books.
I didn't let the children touch it.

My thirty days was nearing an end.
I had to decide if I was keeping it.
The problem is - I never really liked it.
I knew how it worked (well, sort of), as it was the same as mine.
But it never became a part of me.
Could be because I have boycotted Walmart for the last few years. (with rare exception.)
Could be because I always knew I might be taking it back, even though I hadn't sent mine in yet to be repaired.

Yesterday was my Very Last Day of the thirty days.

Keeping it?
Taking it back?

Call my dad.
"I don't like the pictures. They're blurry."
"You should take it back. Circuit City has it on sale for $309."
I'm thinking I'd rather keep it than run all over town for a fourty dollar decrease, but that's just me.
"I don't know. I'm gonna go play with it some more, I guess."
Still not satisfied, or feeling good about the camera.

I finally decided - we had no good working mojo.
For whatever reason.
Probably because at the get-go I had emotionally (yes, I get attached to inanimate objects) rejected it. Not let myself be dependant on it.

"Eric - I'm taking it back. I don't like this blurry thing going on. It could be Me, certainly, but if I don't take it back then I'll always feel a disdain for this camera, and I don't want that. If it's me, and not the camera, so be it - but if I keep it then I'll never be happy about it, and be resentful."
"It's got bad mojo attached to it?"
He's so smart. "Exactly!"

Circuit City first. Honors online price of $309.

Stand in line at Walmart for 20 minutes to return the camera.
"Why are you returning it?"
"Because there's no magic happening."
"There's nothing wrong with the camera?"
"Nope - (well, at least nothing besides our disconnection) it's fine. Everything is here, I didn't open anything except the camera."
"Okay."

Now!
Little S5 has its strap on, the time is set, and hopefully our friendship shall begin in earnest soon.

I feel glad to be back, and the strange fear/buyers remorse/dissatisfaction/unpleasantness/"how long can i keep it?" feelings are gone.

I'm feeling happy.
And free.


***I wanted to add (two days later) that when I bought the camera from Walmart, if I returned it I planned to return it for Eric's choice. As it happens, I decided to have a new one, and Eric will have to wait, still. :/ So I intended to do business with them. The whole thing just turned out differently than I expected. (with not liking it and all.)

Thursday, May 22, 2008

flotsam

I've got some stuff floatin' and knockin' about that I'd like to get through.
Sort of like flotsam surrounding me that I'd like to be rid of. :)

That whole bit yesterday (well, I wrote yesterday, but the events were a few days ago) got me thinking again about parenting, control, and respectful parenting (or ru) -- which is sometimes construed or judged to be neglectful. Once in a while it's even questioned by our Selves.
Not that we doubt it really, it's just one of those things that creeps up every now and again.

For me, the best place to begin is "What do I want for my child?"
Actually it can even have a much broader beginning than that - it can begin with "What is my role in this life? Where is my place on the planet? What do I offer my fellow man and the Universe?"
But, for me, at this time "What do I have to offer the Universe (ie How may I serve?) has much to do with parenting my children.
Still with me? :)

So, we arrive to "What do I want for my child?"

I think that we -as a Society- just don't ask ourselves this enough.
I think too many folks are just going through the motions.
They just do the day-to-day stuff simply for the reason that they're alive. Here.

Maybe that seems dismissive or doesn't seem to give people any credit - but really.

If people asked themselves "What do I want for my children?"
Wouldn't we all come up with pretty much the same answers?
We want them to be Happy. We want for them Loving Relationships. We want them to feel Success - which means we want them to feel competent, able, to believe in themselves.
There are variables, but I think much of it comes down to this.

I don't understand why people cannot reason that the things that they are doing are detrimental to their cause!
Badgering annoys people! It makes them tune you out. It is not communication! (The same goes for rote learning, by the way. But that's another matter. Hmmph.)
Controlling people does not teach them self control (and therefore guarantee they'll be upstanding members of society). If that were so, people would come out of prison healed, refreshed, and good citizens. They don't. They come out ill-prepared, lost, scared, confused, and for the most part in the first five minutes are in the same situation that got them sent there in the first place.
Threatening a child with harm (You'll cut yourself! You'll fall! You'll break your arm!") does not encourage them to tread cautiously.

Have you ever talked to anyone who just exudes love and patience and gentleness from their Being?
Never have I met someone like that who did not say "I had really loving parents." ie - they adored me, they were so gentle and kind, they understood me and loved me.

If you don't come from that, then you have to work very, very hard to get there. You have to heal yourself to get past hurts and scars.

I think that sometimes (in my own experience) it's not that we don't want a particular thing. Or even that we can't see that we're not going about achieving it in an efficient way. It's that we're just trying to stay alive. We get into a frantic Self Preservation mode. Our heads start swimming, we feel anger pulsing throughout our limbs, the noggin starts to boil, :), you know. (Well, maybe you don't. Maybe it's just me.) And all we can think is "Survive this moment."

But to me that's all the more reason to not pass the feelings on to my children. I don't want these same things to haunt them. I don't want their reactions to overwhelm them like my own do me.
I want differently for them.

If you want your child to be Happy - then encourage him to find his Happiness.

If you want your child to have Loving Relationships, then help her to understand that she is in every moment Worthy of Love.

If you want your child to feel Success -by his own standards- then raise him to feel confident in Who He Is. Enable him to Trust himself. Supply him with tools he'll need throughout his life to make it on his own. Help him to understand he is worthy and able.

If people actually thought about the way they were doing things, I think they'd see the ineffectiveness.

By encouraging a child to find his voice, by not crippling her tests of strength, by being a facilitator in his quest for learning, by doing your best to support Who She Is right this minute (which may change in the next minute) we're not neglecting, but enabling.

By having open dialog instead of issuing orders, we are communicating.
By not impeding - we are encouraging.
By not judging we are helping them to Find Themselves.

Isn't that what we want?

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

worry

I'm a worrier.
Who doesn't believe in worrying.

Which explains a great deal about Who I Am.
My personality, my quirks, my idiosyncrasies, and my complexities which can also be called (and I do, believe me) inconsistencies and even hypocrisies.
Which, of course I don't like.
And have a hard time accepting.

But there they are.
And here I am.
sigh.

I'm currently in the midst of a battle. One that I find no satisfaction in. (Don't think I ever do, come to think of it.)
I'm not even sure exactly how or where it began. Probably with one of those kick-my-ass sideways blows that leave me a little stunned and dizzy. That's how it usually is.
Probably from someone I love.
Not that I blame others, mind you, just that I have this Thing still, that wants to please and be understood and -heaven forbid!- Not Judged!! by people I love (or anyone, for that matter).
And then I get a notion about something, or someone says something ill considered (or not) and I shake my head, and try to make sense of it, and then DH says something, and of course I relate it to the other (no matter how convoluted it is - it's never convoluted when it's Me and My World we're talking about) and then the neighbor across the street tells my son "You'll break your arm!" because she has to say such a thing to him, because God Knows his mother never will!! And I just add it on to the list with the others.
Not because I like to dramatize.
Only because the phrase that ring in my ears over and over again is "What's the common denominator?" And the answer to that is always and unescapably "Me."
And every situation and occurrence in my life begs the question "What does this mean?"

Tonight in this tail-end of speculation and supposing, Eric came home and I laid it before him. I'm not certain that he understands. I probably confused him, and he'll probable stay that way until he reads this tomorrow, when he's bored at work.
Then he'll say "Aaah, now I see."
Well, maybe. :)

I don't mean to be vague, it's just that how it begins sometimes has nothing to do with how it ends, other than it's a cycle of my heart, soul, and head, and it's just another thing that I Just Gotta Work Out.

It managed to bring itself to an and tonight when A Neighbor (you know the one) came outside to yell at her child (yes, Yell) to not shout so while playing with the puppy in the front yard.
No joyful whoops allowed, apparently.
In a downright mean tone.

I'm not judging, I'm not disallowing feelings of a mother's frustration or angst.

I'm just Done.
I'm done being afraid of her.
I'm done being afraid of her judgments.
I'm done being concerned with what she thinks of our Freedoms and our Liberties. And we do take them - such as packing off for a day of play On A Tuesday! like yesterday.

I'm not going to worry about reputation.
I'm not going to bite my nails when I see her conversing (ahem) with the other neighbors.

I know I'm right.
I know that I am raising my children well.
I am raising them with love.
I am raising them to not be afraid of themselves and of their lives.

I'll not apologize for it.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

as is

if i decide
to go 'round the world
just t'
kiss some sweet
oriental girl
ain't got no
body stoppin' me.
i'll lift the anchor and go

i run a one man show.

life is a breeze
we live it for fun
no apologies
to anyone.
we live on the seas
we do as we please
(as said by Pipi Longstocking and her Papa.)

so there.

sold as is

lately - uh, since the day before mother's day - i've been in this funk.
female problem?
maybe.
that time?
yeah. but, still....

evie (later) echoed my thoughts of mother's day. all day i kept thinking..."have i turned into my mother? is this day important because i have bought into what they're trying to sell me?" my answer to both was a rather uncomfortable (and disconcerting) "yes".
in light of that, i now renounce my former attachment to mother's day.
for God's sake - do i truly wish to demand of my family honor, extra loves, and cherishment this day above all others just because Someone Else says so?
hardly.
that's never been my style.

add to that my current disenchantment with humanity - namely my own lack of willingness to embrace of my fellow man (individual or collective, i haven't decided yet)- and you have my need to be

taken
as
is.


further disgruntlement to follow

people

i'm in a "people are despicious" mood.

(in case you don't know - despicious is a word that trev made up on accident, and became instantly popular in our house. it means suspicious, possibly disgusting and probably despicable.)

an' that's where i'm at.

maybe more later.

(dang - don't i have a "shit" category?)

Tuesday, May 06, 2008

Mother May

Oh, Mother!Beautiful Mother May.

Mother - may, may, may....

May I?

Please, beautiful Mother May, may I, please - May I?


Oh, child.
Yes -
Yes, Impatient Child -Yes, you May!

Saturday, May 03, 2008

hey

that last hello hello thing was sposed to be an echo, by the way.

Y'no, I was feelin a might bad about not visiting my friends (via their blogs) and leaving comments and whatnot, but over the last few days when I sneak in a quick visit or two (I've made like seven visits over the last week, is all) I read everywhere "Well, I've been busy", and "I know I've been remiss...."

...So I'm just not worryin' about it.
Know that I miss you, Friends, but that I am busy, and you are busy, and I'll see you when we're not so busy and when we're tired of springtime.
:)