a rather private affair

Ordinarily I do not share these sorts of things here, for a number of reasons, but mostly because they are a different kind of personal and private.
But, that being said, this is my blog, and a place for my truths, and my explorations, and this is also my only journal.
And I'd like to keep this one here.

After feeling rather... cleansed and renewed from my earlier explorations and writings I had a thought that I'd like to go downstairs and sit for a spell - meditate, and/or maybe do my cards.

I imagine Tarot cards mean different things to different people. Some folks have in their heads that they're a tool for wickedness. I'm not sure how they came to that notion, but whatever.
Some folks seek out "fortune tellers" to find out if so-and-so loves them.
Me, I use them to either make sense of a current perplexing situation, or to find out if there is anything that I need to be aware of that I am not seeing. Some folks pick up a book that has significant meaning to them, and let it open to whatever page guides them. I get out my cards.
I don't figure the answers come from anyone but me, it's my energy, my room, they're my cards, no one touches them but me (and occasionally the children if they are curious), and honestly there is a really comfortable energy flow with them.

The first time I went to do them today, when I cut the deck, I dropped them - high at the top (cutting them thick), which I never do. Being an "everything happens for a reason" kind of girl, I went with it.
The cards (the significator - which represents me; the basis - which represents the situation; and the final outcome) all felt... wrong. Not wicked, mind you, just totally different than they ever do. After I looked at those three cards, I knew that this whole reading was not right.
Starting over is not something that I ever do. I believe that pretty much no matter how the cards come out, if you remain open-minded you will see what it is you're seeking no matter the arrangement or words. But this spread clearly was not the case.
Funny, I spoke with my personal energies being blended with the cards, and as soon as I started turning them I knew this wasn't my spread (layout). No major arcana cards (I almost always get four, the exception being unless there is something really important going on, then, there there will be like eight) there was no affinity with my thoughts and feelings with cards I was turning over.
I found that interesting. I wrote down the eleven cards anyway, and their placement, then reshuffled them, asking my question again.

Which was:
In line with this what feels like recent "shift" in my consciousness, how best to conduct myself to be my most authentic self?

And here are the answers that I received.
Significator: (which represents You -well, me.) Strength (Major Arcana card - which means it does not belong to hearts, swords, wands, or pentacles. The more powerful cards in the deck). Spirituality and carnality can be brought together with courage and perseverance. Act calmly and with love. Through gentleness you accomplish what force cannot.

What covers you: (meaning surrounding energy): 9 of Pentacles. Abundance. Self reliance, strong sense of independence and freedom.

What crosses you: (can be opposing energy) Ace of Swords, reversed (which means the card was upside-down). Force. Concentrate on principles, not on form. Make long term goals, and initiate them immediately. Do not use force or manipulation.

Foundation: (what my question is about - the basis of the situation) Queen of Wands. Act as if you know how to initiate action. Prepare to be inspired.
Here I have to say Ha! This card made me laugh. In asking the question that I did, my intent or desire behind it is "How can I best be the mother and self that I most long to be?" Seems that this card tells me start out "right" - fake it - and pretty soon it will become a new habit and behavior of your mind and soul. Also, it tells me "Treat yourself as if you already are what you'd like to become." - which I have hanging on the wall in this very room.

Past (this obviously means what has brought you to this point.) Queen of Swords. Not very empathetic, though she has lots of ideas.
Ha! again.

What crowns you: (how you'd like to see things progress in the future. If this card is a negative one, then then the elimination of either the negativity energy, or the quality of your reaction to that energy, are the goals that must be accomplished. Ha!) 9 of Swords. Nightmare. Strange demons, repressed hurts and childhood fears reign freely. Worse than the sight of this chaos, is the feeling of being held in its grasp. The monsters must be met, identified, and fought in order to free yourself.
What can I say? This card says so much. While I have never been victim of unspeakable acts, thank God, and I know damn well that many a child had a much worse childhood than mine, I know too (or believe) that I did not have a very gentle childhood. I have a lot of anger and resentment, not to mention no learned healthy skills of how to cope with stress and how to be a gentle and loving parent. I fight these demons every day - my impulses and reactions are not ones that I recognize as being reflections of my authentic self. I am mostly ashamed and afraid of them.

What is before you: (the near future) Wheel of Fortune (Major Arcana card) What seem to be beginnings and endings are a part of the cycles and circle of life.
I shall keep that in mind. It's a process. I'll try to remember.

Your Personality: The Chariot. (MA card) Take the reigns. Enlist the help of the forces of nature.
Read: meditate, do your cards, carry a stone, talk to the moon, work a little magic when it suits you. You just do what you gotta do. Whatever helps.

How others see you: Queen of Pentacles. Dark hair, olive skin. Loves her husband and family, is interested in all they do.

Your hopes and fears: Justice. (MA card) Justice is not blind, but sees all sides. Getting to the core of the matter.
Interesting that this came up - usually this card represents either my fear or my hope - this one represents both. Fear that I somehow deserve the "bad" things that happen, and am not worthy to consider myself a good person, and also it represents hope - getting to the root of the matters so that I can dissect them, and they'll lose their power, as I begin to understand the why of it.

Final Outcome: 2 of Swords, reversed. Balance. The figure (in the picture) is diplomatic, without a trace of judgment. Harmony can be achieved by calming and settling the mind.

So upon finishing my reading, my question was "to what end?" What would be the purpose of accomplishing these things? Duh. Because you have a desire to live your life as your most Authentic Self.
lol.
Oh, yeah. (blushes furiously and rolls eyes at herself.)

Sometimes after I read my cards, I grab a Rune (an ancient stone with a subscription on it) to see if there's anything else.

Ehwaz, I grabbed. Which looks like an M. It means Movement. Progress. Ehwaz is a Rune of transit, transition and movement; of physical shifts, new dwelling places, new attitudes or new life. It also signifies movement in the sense of improving or bettering any situation. There is about this Rune a sense of gradual development and steady progress, with the accompanying notion of slow growth through numerous shifts and changes.

Honestly. All of this tells me so much. Not any earth-shattering news, as folks might imagine Tarot cards to do - such as "Watch out for the dark stranger, he will rob you blind and steal the money that you keep in your pillow case!" :) But I find it so interesting and fascinating - this reading.
While they're always pertinent and important, this one seems especially reflective of what I've been thinking and feeling, and a graphic refresher map of where I'd like to go.
Interesting.
Fascinating!

Dear Friends

Yesterday's (last night's) post was really personal for me.
It didn't get into any deep dark secrets, really, but judgment (of myself, included) is something I want so desperately to be rid of. As I said, I think it's my greatest quest on this earth, with learning patience a close second (though they certainly are connected, as patience for me involves accepting all things around me as good or what/where it/they are supposed to be - be that a screaming toddler demanding seemingly impossible things, or a jackass driver - both are who, what, and where exactly as they should be).

I mentioned religion yesterday, and my feelings on it.
I knew that most of my friends that read here - and probably strangers, should any come across this blog - are folks that belong to a religion.
While I certainly did not want to hurt others with my comments and shared thoughts, my aim was to get to the bottom of why I feel the way I do, and if it's really true that I disdain religious folks. It's a difficult thing to admit that you judge people (as "wrong") for believing differently than you do - especially when you're unacceptance of them is in part because you feel they are unaccepting of others. It is a difficult thing to discuss openly when it goes against what you know to be true and loving.
While I answered the first question, I left the second unanswered.

The answer is no.
It isn't true.
I don't believe that folks who are religious are mindless. Or automatically more judging. Or exclusionary in their relationships with their general society.
And I don't reject my friends (family included) because they belong to a (any) religion.

I was wondering the other day what religion is really about. (As I obviously don't belong to one, I can only speculate.)
It's a belief system, certainly - but I was wondering Why it exists.
I was wondering if people have it because it is very, very difficult at times to find God all by yourself.
Because rejoicing God or Jesus or Mary or Alla with others not only gives souls a sense of brotherhood (at one with God and Each Other) but it collects the common love and goodness (energy) into one place, and it's so much easier to feel God (to listen to the call of one's Spirit) with a bunch of souls who are sharing your exact same thoughts. I imagine the energy must be palpable - we can experience this many other times in life, too, get a bunch of people together with the same mind, and it's quite invigorating.
If because initially one person said "This is how I found God", and they were able to tell someone, and that someone was somehow able to find God that exact same way. Which is strange to me, as it is quite opposite of how I do it (search God out -or within, rather- for myself), but I suppose it's possible.
Or maybe in the beginning someone started asking questions in his village, and found the commonality of how and what the surrounding souls were asking of their selves and spirit, and started discussing philosophies and ideas with those same souls.
Or maybe it started with one thought - such as Love Thy Brother, and it expanded from there, the doctrine always trying to convey and explore that same simple thought.

I don't know.
But none of these things sound ill-formed to me. They all sound quite lovely, actually. I certainly couldn't blame someone for wanting to be a part of something like that.

So, as you can see, I have quite changed my mind. :)
I still believe that finding one's Truth is deeply personal and individual, and I shall continue to find my answers within, inspired by an infinite number of sources.
But I shall also continue to look for the common ground with my fellow man - and know that he, too, is seeking his Truth at every moment.

God's Rusty Car and Broken Furnace

So my question was - would God ever purchase a new car?
This is an impossible question, of course. It twisted my brain.

But after I dropped a drink on my laptop - on the Very Same Day that I had gotten it back via air-mail from the Dell repair center now with a new keyboard and system board (for pretty much the same thing) and considering I had been talking to a friend about Shit Happens, and whether or not that's true, just an hour before - I had to ask myself - "Why?" for the hundredth or so time in the last few months.

So I started going off on a little impossible tangent. (grin) Asking myself the really tough questions.
If God lived in a house, I supposed, would He ever have to replace His furnace?
Do things Just Happen?
If God wasn't paying attention, would Her car break down? (Course, God could fix it as soon as it happened, but still...) Do machines have their own minds? Well, not minds, of course, but... momentum, maybe....
The absurd questions went on and on through my head.

Somewhere along the trail I got into a different space - a place that asked not Why this? but one of What now? Not a "what the hell is next?" kind of thought, but in a "how do I feel about this?" sort of way.
I think I've come to the conclusion that while I very well may have brought these occurrences to myself (of course I did, if not me, then who?)- I'm not so sure the Why? (are these specific things happening) matters anymore.
Somehow I believe I've managed to let it go. I am considering that the answer to Why? might just be because you need to change your mind about your reality.
And - You are judging these things as "bad", as you are judging a great many things as "Bad" right now in your life - and We (the tree stumps and "ahems" and taps to the shoulder - in the name of God and spiritual evolution) are trying to get you to Change Your Mind, and to Change Your Perception of Reality.

The whole thing goes way beyond the second full drink being spilled into a delicate and expensive piece of electrical equipment.
Mostly it's about me judging Me.
About I deserve this.
About having a fatalistic attitude because I'm not measuring up. Being angry at myself because I am not entirely the person I'd like to be. (shrug) Which means perfect.
Such an attitude also spills over into my judgments of my children and their actions though I've been pretty good about that, lately. Well, mostly.

A new email/yahoo group was started in my area for secular homeschoolers.
Someone whom I have not met said something about "I don't want to be judged."
I wrote back a bit about myself and my family, and said "I will consider it a Grand Accomplishment if upon my deathbed I can say that I judge no one or no thing in this world and find it lacking (ie judge it as 'bad' or 'wrong')."

Then I really started thinking about it, and I thought "Well, that's a hell of an accomplishment."
Indeed, should I manage it in this life, I believe it shall be one of my greatest ones.

Melissia (she shrinks when I mention her name, but I feel like I'm being elusive when I don't mention specifics) and I were talking yesterday, and at the end of our conversation I said something about pretty much disdaining religion.
I have a hard time with accepting something that someone else lays out for you; for the most part I think folks should do the hard work themselves, and find the answers within.
Then she said something about how she didn't think that most religious people are unaccepting of others' truths, or others' ways, or blindly accepting of their religion's teachings.
In my head, I vehemently objected to this observation, as I haven't found that to be my experience at all.
I feel like most religious folks believe they are the only bearers of the Keys to Heaven.
That they know the only Truth, and therefore all others' ways are false.
That bothers me.
It bothers me equally as much that often times I believe that I know better than most, too.
More often than not, though, lately, I've found more similarities than differences in the Pursuit of Spiritual Evolution. Maybe that's a good beginning.
Most folks want a greater communion with God. Or the All. Alla, Buddha, Krishna, etc.
Most folks want to be true to their hearts.
Most folks want peace in their spirit.

So after I told Melissia of my disdain, I started wondering if it were true. Do I really believe that religious folks are mindless?
And unaccepting of all others ways?
What is it exactly that I object so strongly to?

Judgment, of course.
It's one of those crazy twisty "I detest intolerant people" feelings. Makes no sense at all.
But maybe I can find peace in the commonalities. Maybe I can get past the verbiage to the intent behind the words, and find brotherhood.

These are all parts of my quest.
To wholly, fully, completely, gently, lovingly, and unconditionally accept my children for Who They Are.
To accept the souls around me (in the world at large) for Who They Are.
To embrace the events that I most assuredly bring into my life for What They Are (and to remember it's not the events themselves that are "bad", but how I judge the events).

My life (experience) comes from how and what I think about a thing.
I believe I'm being led toward If you don't like where you are, or where you are headed, then Change Your Mind.
Change your mind.
Change your thoughts.
Change your heart.
Change your Self.
And remember that you have an eternity to do it.

freedom from judgment

I've written about this a lot over the last year.
After a rather extraordinary and astounding mishap last night (promise to tell you later, it has to do with Question") I have begun to think - again - "What in tarnation is this trying to tell me, and what does it have to do with my life?"
I am getting to a point now, that I am wondering if the answer isn't "Your judgments about the thing are bringing your reality."
Which of course I know - that we all create our own reality with our thoughts about any given situation or thing, ie - we can choose to go through life as anything we wish - a victim, a martyr, a leader, a zen master, a philosopher, a sycophant - whatever takes our fancy.
As Melissia and I were discussing last night, some of us choose to believe that we were put on this earth to suffer, and maybe even that we are challenged to be happy with that suffering, others of us believe life should be celebrated as joyfully as possible.

I think I am being called to face my own judgments.
I don't mean the ones that have me mumbling "jackass!" to the idiot driver next to me, though I'd certainly do well to lose those, but the judgments about my self, my children, my life, and my reality.
I've told you before that I believe if there is something to be learned, you'll get a tap on the shoulder, followed by an "ahem", followed by maybe a tree root sticking out to trip you up a bit, slowing you down long enough take note of your surroundings - eventually, arriving with a brick to the back of your head, if necessary.
It's somewhere between the tree root and the brick that I find myself currently. Maybe like the tree root sent me flying into a deep pit, and I have to figure out exactly where I am, and how exactly I am going to get out.
Not that I feel punished. I do not.
I actually am quite comfortable in this place, and am finding it not so bad. Like I am observing the pit itself with a non judging eye, and not fighting to get out at all. Rather taking note of the things the walls of dirt and tree roots have to tell me, wondering if there are any interesting rocks or stones or other treasures to be found.

Here's what happened: I dropped a glass of beer on my laptop last night. I was standing over it (no, I wasn't drunk, thank you very much! :) ) and it just fell straight down, through my fingers. Exploded (the beer, not the glass) all over the open notebook.
Within a quarter-second I had flipped it over, had it unplugged from the wall, and had the power jack unplugged from the machine.
My dad called right at that time. I was still in a state of utter disbelief. (He had called me back, we were discussing the ill state of my desktop that I had sent to him for repairs) "You're kidding," he said. "No, I'm not." "Did you cry?" "I haven't even had time, yet." "Was it just water?" Gulp. "Oh, no. It was beer." "Oh, God," he said." Oh, God is exactly what I was thinking. "Take out the battery."
"Go to AutoZone, and get this stuff called CRC QD Electrical Cleaner. Take it apart as far as you can (again), cover up the screen to protect it (again), spray it out, letting it run out the side that got the most wet, put it under the lamp (again!) and let it dry out 'til morning."
Frankly, I was too stunned to even imagine a moment beyond turning on my machine this morning. I couldn't imagine what I'd say to Dell, couldn't imagine that the stuff would actually save my machine.
Last night my resulting post of "Question" was written on Trev's machine.

And this morning? This morning I am writing while sitting sideways in my wing-backed chair in the livingroom, machine on my lap, legs over the side of the chair and feet on the end table. Wondering if I should have a cuppa hot cocoa/coffee or iced tea.

Thinkin' about God, and wondering if Her car ever gets rusty.
But that's a tale for later...

Question

Here's a question for you.
While it's a rather silly question, and has any number of answers, I am quite serious in the asking of it, and would love to hear any and all responses.

Does (or would) God ever drive/purchase a new car?

I don't care to what religion you belong, or to what philosophical agenda you subscribe. I don't even care whether you believe in God, or not.
I will appreciate your thoughts and answers to the question.

Tomorrow or the next day I'll tell you why I am asking. (It's a doozy.)
I shall truly apprciate any responses - the silly or sublime, the serious or the sarcastic.
Looking forward to your insight.

olm

plain old ordinary Life Magic.

good morning

I'd like to introduce you...

To my friend Dell.

I got a phone call a few minutes ago - "This message is for Stephanie S, This is Dell. Your notebook has been repaired, and is being sent back to you by way of DHL. Your tracking nunmber is..."

Holy wow!
Woooooohoooooooo!
So not only do they pay for my shipping in the first place - via second day AIR, they fix my notebook at no charge, and then have it sent back to me in less than a week!
I tracked with DHL, it's due for delivery tomorrow. Tomorrow, folks!
I sent it in on Friday, and they will deliver it on Wednesday!

This is where I say holy moly - that's a hell of a customer service those folks have - not only their timeliness of fixing my machine, but their website has detailed info on how to upgrade the hardware - they walk you through the whole process.

I am thrilled with them.
Hot damn!

a promising morning

Well, maybe promising isn't just right - though it has certainly been a beautiful beginning to this day.
It's nice to see the little lights through the windows, their reflections twinkling on the glass, and maybe swaying a bit with the coming storm.
The sky was a beautiful glowing pink this morning.
The weather lady promised snow today.
I can hardly wait to see snow on the garland - frozen flakes meeting red velvet and pine bows.
So I've marked a few spots in my book, fixed my morning brew of vanilla mocha coffee with hot cocoa, and have tucked the children in their blankets with Clifford and Super Why, or Super Readers, as Maddie calls them, with the promise of french toast and berries to come.

So, now - to the business at hand.

The first point that really strikes me today (reading Everyday Blessings) is this:
Honoring what is deepest in people is symbolically reflected in the custom of greeting others by bowing to them....
This means "I bow to the divinity within you." It signifies a shared recognition of each other's intrinsic wholeness, of what is deepest and most fundamental, and always present. You are bowing from your true nature to theirs, recalling that, at the deepest level, they are one and the same, even as we recognize that, on other levels, we are all different, unique expressions of this oneness.
And I love this....
Sometimes, people bow to cats and dogs, sometimes to trees and flowers, sometimes to the wind and the rain. And sometimes the cats and dogs, the trees and the flowers, even the wind and the rain, bow back.

The second part of this same sort of thinking, ie living mindfully and respectfully with one's children (to me that's what it means) is discussed in the idea that all people long for sovereignty. And I truly believe that all people deserve it. (I probably believe that all things deserve it too, which includes animals, plants, insects, et cetera. - all things being bearers of energy.)
Sovereignty, in the sense of one's true nature, is a universal quality of being, and life, above all, an occasion to understand what that true nature is and how it expresses itself for each of us.

These two things I think are very, very important.
This says pretty much what I want for my children. I want them to express their true nature. I don't even mean their personalities (though that, too, certainly) - but their true spiritual nature. Joy, love, empathy, kindness, exuberance, liveliness.
There are a lot of things I get "right" with living ru, and certain practices that are not mainstream or necessarily common now seem natural to me.
But I get into big trouble sometimes. Mostly when my emotions are high - I do things reactively, out of frustration or anger.
I am wondering instead of trying to curb my emotions - which is sometimes I think a lost cause, if I can simply get to a place where I can view the events around me as... not opportunities, that's a bit too cheesy and fluffy for me to swallow, or even challenges, as I've never been a person motivated by such things - but maybe as chances to better my children's childhood, and possibly find healing of my own.

One other gem that I am finding exceedingly useful information...
I've often criticized and berated myself for my seemingly out of control emotions. Often felt horrid and ashamed for not "behaving like an adult". Frankly, I'm not even sure exactly what that means, other than maybe not emotional, which I cannot fathom, and have no idea how to achieve such a thing, or even if I want to.
But here's what I read a few minutes ago:
On the other hand, if we can let go of our idea in such a moment of how things "should be", and embrace how they actually are with this child; in other words, if we can remember that we are the adult and that we can look inside ourselves at that very moment and find a way to act with some degree of wisdom and compassion, and in the best interest of our child - then our emotional state and our choices of what to do will be very different, as will be the unfolding and resolution of that moment into the next.
So, then, key words being adult behavior just being "using compassion and acting with wisdom".
That is something that I believe I can handle.

And now I really must be off.
Maddie has eaten most of the berries, and Trev wants to play pretend - he's worried about the dinosaurs' food source with the coming snow....
Til later today, hopefully.

Hallooooo!

As friend Tigger would say.

Oh, I miss everyone! I'm not even sure that anyone comes around anymore, haven't checked visits or the sitemeter for weeks! I could very well be talking only to myself! Which isn't unusual, but I do imagine usually that someone will eventually read this....

What's been up for me:
Well, for starters, I get very little computer time, as Trev and Maddie both always want their turn. And even when I'm on this one, I get so irritated by the slowness that I usually only pop in to write a short something, and visit one blog. I'm so behind on everyone's news! I think I've checked two blogs since Saturday a week ago!

I Finally boxed up and sent my two computers off to get sparklified on Friday. One -the desktop- to my Dad (for a new processor, complete with drivers, and all that other irritating tedious business that goes along with pc repairs), and the notebook back to Dell. It would be SOOO Nice to have them both back in a couple of weeks! I'll try not to be greedy, though.

Got the outside lights up today. They look splendid, of course! White icicles for me, thank you.

What else? The children had a most despicious illness, that took a lot of my time for a few days. Cleaning blankets, sheets, carpets, et cetera, et cetera.

Pms for a few days. Started to get into a fit yesterday, then thought - hmmm, headache, wonder if it's pms? then all of a sudden like magic I was able to deal with life in a much more friendly sort of way, and sure enough, early this morning (at three, actually, when Maddie Rudely woke me to demand cereal and then a computer game - no, she didn't get either one of them folks, I strive to live ru, but I am not a saint!) I received my evidence that my hormones were to thank for (some of my) crazy behavior.

Holiday decorations are up. Still haven't decided if we're going to our usual Robinson Tree Farms for our tree, or if Eric shall get his wish, and we'll actually purchase a permit from the forest service and trek out on snowshoes to cut ours down ourselves for the first time. We'll see. (If we cut it down, rest assured that we'll be replacing it with one or two in the springtime!)

I started reading Jon and Myla's Every day Blessings: The Inner Work of Mindful Parenting, again. I've had it since I was pregnant with Trev, I think, but have yet to read the entire book. I was somehow relieved and rejuvenated while reading in the second and third chapters about sort of getting rid of the regular sorts of thoughts and actions, and looking inside each moment for its magic and the beauty and learning that it offers us.
Somehow, while I believe in this idea with everything I am, and strive to recognize the Ordinary Life Magic, as I call it, sometimes I wonder if I'm making it all up. So hearing someone else say, with their own words and relating their own experiences a similar idea, and how it's worth celebrating - and indeed touted as worth celebrating, makes me feel like maybe I'm not crazy and too romantic, idealistic, or just being fanciful.
I am also most heartened by their inspirational words that just being mindfully In The Moment, one finds ones self wiser and more knowledgeable (and even healed of one's own past), and more willing the next time to take the time and process through something, and that practicing mindfulness itself becomes easier, more familiar, and maybe even habitual. Course, you have to be open to all moments being new and uncertain, and not tagging this moment, though seemingly familiar, with what you learned in the last one.
I am eager to read the entire book, and am heartened greatly by what I've read thus far.

My recent dark moments are past - I was feeling almost undone for a while by this stress or that, but frankly I've just been too damned busy to worry about what worries me, or even what could be a worry.
Unfortunately, along with that comes "no time to think", but [action] in step the voices of Myla and Jon, so I am hopeful to be back to my usual (but non-worrying and newly enlightened and newly patient) self, post haste!

And here I sit, now, feeling guilty because Eric is tired and ready to be relieved of duty, hmmph ;) even though he knows this is the first chance I've had to write in two or three weeks. I think maybe when I'm with the notebook at the kitchen table, I don't seem quite So Far Away, though, truth is, I hear every shout and demand for "tickle me!" that I would if I were still in the same room.
But dh thinks I'm on permanent vacation, and he's a bit worried. And tired.
So I shall say "see you at six-something in the morning.... maybe I'll have something to say."
If not, then I'll just read about what YOU have to say.
xxoo

Welcoming the Holidays...

The garland has been hung on the front fence with red ribbons.
The greenery has been cut, and is decorating the front door complete, again, with bright red ribbons.
The front porch is lighted with yet another garland, this one sporting white tiny lights, and every once-in-a-while a bright red one.
The yard is (relatively) tidy.
The Dickens village pieces are liberated from their boxes and newspaper, and are working their magic upon the children and I, inviting all minds and little fingers to engage in a fun romp into imagination.
The potopourri burner holds a beloved mulberry oil.
The vases are supporting freshly cut greenery, along with bright red rosehips.
Pinecones have been collected from under the tree and added to the potpouri dishes.
The advent box stands tall and proud, although at this moment all of its cupboards and doors are empty of tiny toys, chocolates, and treasures. Soon! It promises.

Sigh.
All is well, and promising, in our Happy Home.

walking softly

Maddie woke up last night at 1:30am asking for her Daddy, so I started carrying her to our bedroom. On the way, she vomited on me.
So it began.
I went back to the couch (Eric had this gomboo on Monday, and didn't go to work on Tuesday), mumbling sleepily over my shoulder that if he needed me, just holler.
I then watched three episodes of CSI Miami on A&E. Finally drifted off, and I hear Eric up. "Anything wrong?"
"Yeah, something's wrong, she's been throwing up nonstop for the past few hours."
Really? I didn't hear a thing!
"Oh, dear."
Trev started fussin' 'bout all the noise, wants water, I tell him hang on.
Finally get to sleep for a bit, then Trev bounces up, and runs for the bathroom.
Oh dear, again.
Then I hear Eric's alarm. Time to make the donuts.

Was that Trev I heard stirring, or you?"
"Trev."
"He sick?"
"Yup."

You'd think these events - especially the ones involving being vomited upon in the middle of the night (accompanied with less than three hours of sleep) might make for a grumpy mama.
Amazingly enough, not so.

Actually, I feel rather splendid today.
'Course, had to call Eric's mama and tell her that we'll be staying home tomorrow.
Hmmm. No groceries, and certainly no Thanksgiving feast trimmings.
Well, let's see how things pan out.
I started cleaning, beginning with the sorely abused bathroom. It's rather wretched to be sick in a dirty bathroom, don't you agree? Even if it's your own mess.
Thinking about how I get to stay home tomorrow - not that I wasn't looking forward to Pat and Bill's, I always do. But somehow, the thought of staying home started to really appeal to me....

Turns out we have a huge prime rib waiting for us at Redrock (per Eric's request) but no turkey. Phone call, phone call. "Got us a turkey, babe. Mike's (their meat guy) bringing it. Not sure if we'll get a bill for it, or not."

And so the day started looking even brighter. Actually at that point, I really was feeling pretty wonderful.
Staying home for Thanksgiving. The children are snuggled in the pallet, looking gray, but they're peaceful and feeling rather gentle.

Hmmm. I started making plans for a chocolate pie. And mashed potatoes. And a clean kitchen. Cup of hot cocoa. Put on some Christmas music in the den, as it won't disturb the babes back here.
They continue to sleep and stir a bit, and gingerly sip at their tiny bits of water and pedialyte popsicles.

Yes. It might seem strange. But regardless - or maybe even because of - our situation, today I am walking softly and feeling so gentle - and I am filled with peace in anticipation of our quiet holiday.
I look forward to the house being filled with warmth from the oven, and more holiday music, Planes, Trains, and Automobiles (Eric's favorite), snuggles, and phone calls, hanging my Yule garlands on my front fence, and a turkey/mayo with salt and pepper sandwich at eight o'clock or so.

Not how we had planned, certainly. But somehow even with the vomiting and other despicious things that come with a stomach bug, I can't help but think of our newly anticipated Thanksgiving, and smile and be thankful.
Hope your Thanksgiving suits you just right, too.
Peace.

November 19

Have I mentioned how abslutely slow this computer is? I swear it moves backwards!
My typing is at this moment almost an entire paragraph ahead of what is showing up on my screen! Not kidding. Sigh.
I don't know what in tarnation is going on.

Today was a very nice day.
We managed to get to Teri's at a decent time - we were only about fifteen minutes later than the appointed time of 11am. Course, it helps that we live about three minutes away, but still.
Have I mentioned that? most of the Mama's live less than fifteen minutes away from my house. How great is that??? Three of them live within walking distance - Julie, Teri, and Aubrey.

Aubrey and Teri had decided to help us and inspire us with these gorgeous beaded ornaments - Aubrey had mastered this dragonfly that is so lovely that I think some of us may make some for holiday gifts. If I could, I'd show you, but alas, I cannot! (I really did try, friends, but this pc doesn't even see its own usb's at the moment. :/ )

Anyway - Monday craft days are for the Mama's, the babes play and holler and frollick while we get to chitchat and visit. Today was so beautiful and warm, the babes were outside much of the time - some, as mine, were launching off the balcony onto the trampoline! I was worried at first, but Teri said hers (including the youngest Willow) do it, so I figured, well, ? No harm came. (I was mostly worried about him landing on a babe, and also didn't know how loose her springs were, and didn't want Trev to hit the bottom. But Teri has teenagers, so when I found out hers jump from the balcony, I was alright with it.)
We also have our monthly Art and Craft Circle, still, which is for the babes to create really wonderful things. For December we'll make glass ornaments, glue and glitter snowflakes, and Sun King crown for Yule/Solstice.
Anyway, it was lovely to spend the afternoon with friends!

Oh! I milled some soap tonight. I made one with lavender (flowers and oil), and another with grapefruit, lemon, and orange essential oils. I'm so excited about the soaps! Tomorrow I really must get my house in order, and maybe I'll have a few minutes to mill another few bars of soap. I'm so pleased that my first batch of basic (vegetarian) soap came out so well. No lye bubbles, and it seems to be behaving just as it should. Woohoo!

I've added my friend Steph to the Mama's list, she's known all of us for a long time (well, long time in our circle of unschooler friends - 'bout two years), and pops in here, but her blog was a secret :) but now she's ready to be included. She says that no one would be interested but her and the grandparents, I say "Well, yeah. That's true for all of us!" :) It's just life and growin and learnin and loving. Many things are noteworthy if you take the time to notice them, I say.

Anyway. Just wanted to say hey, and that I had a really lovely day. Thursday we're off to Eric's mom's, Pat, and her husband Bill's place, then Friday we have a playdate with Ari and Mina and Melissia if Melissia is feeling better.

Life moves along at a friendly clip.
'Night.

aaaah.

I think it's taken me four hours :) to track down the blogs I read - I think I've finally found them all and have my favorites folder in working order!

I would like to mention my gratitude for a few things that have happened lately -things that don't really have much to do with luck or happenstance, but things that have made a difference in my thinking (and therefore my life), none-the-less.

First of all - I am so grateful for my carpet shampooer! It is so lovely to be able to get my floors clean whenever I feel the need!

Secondly - I am grateful that we fixed our furnace! (it needed a new motor)

Third - remember how I said we (Maddie) lost three pairs of keys in the last few months? Two sets were mine, and then we (Maddie) lost Eric's work set. Well, the other day I found Eric's set. And when I was at Home Depot the other day trying to track down lye for making soap, I decided to have a new set of truck keys made for myself. We were living on just one set, Eric's, as both of mine had disappeared. I must say, I feel much better now, I feel more normal and in control of my life, somehow. As silly as that seems.

And fourth - sheesh, :) I almost forgot to mention this one! I am thankful that way back in 1996 I bought a decent computer for a staggering 2 grand and that I was able do dig it out of the garage, blow the spider webs and dirt off of it (though not very thoroughly, admittedly) and get it up and running enough first for Trevelyn to be able to get back to his computer games, and now for me to be able to do just the basics online - ie look stuff up, view my emails, publish -sans pictures- my thoughts into a blog, and of course read about what the inspiring souls around me are up to.

And one more really great thing about the computer - we now have a desktop that works just fine with our printer, and can print out all sorts of interesting things for our timeline! Woohoo!

And now I really must get up and get busy.
My house is in sore need of attention.

It's good to be back!

Hot damn!

Well, then!
We're back.

Er... sans pictures for a while, though. Don't think this sputterin' and smokin' old war horse could take that...

pat, pat.
You're a very fine pc, hippy d/dino, you done us proud!
woohoo!

can it be?

while it appears that I have internet access, my little dinosaur computer - rather, Trev's dinosaur computer (it's very ancient and it's decked out with dino paraphernalia, so it seems fitting, I was thinking of giving it the name of hippy-D, but perhaps Dino -think flintstones- is more appropriate) keeps shutting down when I demonstrate that I wish to do more than twelve (well, actually, more than one!) thing at a time.
So I'm very tentatively -I think!- back online, as long as I allow six hours for a thirty second post.
:)
Damn! Just dropped a big bowl of freshly popped popcorn on the floor.

On that note, we'll "publish" and see how it goes.....


ps Thank Goddess blogger and yahoo remember all my stuff for me, and I can access it anywhere!
gotta love that....

here goes...

#78

Make handmade bar soap.

My friends Aubrey and Melissia are interested in this one, also, and Aubrey actually wanted to be in on the lye process, not just the fun make-it-smell-good and hand-mill-it process, so I invited her over on Friday (I'll tattle on her, I told her I had to go get the lye and beeswax, and that I needed to clean up my messy house, and she -gasp- showed up a whole two hours early!! Okay, maybe an hour and fourty minutes, but still! big kisses to you Aubrey!) Still, we had a good time in my very messy house.
And we made soap! I am happy to say that it is curing in my kitchen - well out of reach, of course. Even for my little flying squirrels.

I was spurred into action the other day when I had to pay $16.99 I think it was for Doc Brenner's soap. And then $13 for Jason's bath soap. And then $1.79 for the little round bars for the sinks. Sheesh.
I'm thinking a citrusy one of orange, lemon, and grapefruit essential oils for the kitchen, maybe rose into a liquid soap for my bath, and one more that I'm not yet decided upon. We'll see.

Anyway! One more down. fun fun.

How are you doing, Dear? (pat, pat)

I'm okay.
Really, I am!
It was a near thing there for a minute, admittedly, but it's not so bad being cut off from the big wide world. Most the time.

Maybe it's because I got my house mostly clean. Phew, but you should see it today! I left it in shambles this morning when I head out a few minutes before nine, and I cannot imagine that it improved it's state since I have been away.

Maybe it's because there have been a few get togethers with the Mama's. Though I missed out on some due to forgetfulness.

Maybe it's because I dug the 10 year old computer out of the garage, and got it up and running for Trev. Er, and Maddie, she's been playing on it, too. (alas, the modem has bit it, I guess.) It's Windows 98, so most of his cd programs work pretty well on it. And I'm quite relieved that I can sit down and write with Word if I feel the need. So far I haven't - but that may have to do something with the fact that I told Trev loud and clear "This computer is yours" and whenever I see the accompanying chair empty, and think I might want to sit a spell he beats me to it, and says "Just give me 10 minutes, Mom!" Cheeky kid.

I haven't sent either computer in yet - need to find a box for the desktop, and need to find a dhl office (something to do here at work today) for shipping the Dell notebook. I'll do it very soon, though!

The Mama's have decided on a once a month get together - evening hours - and we had our first one at Melissia's house on Thursday night. I took my camera, as I thought I may get adventurous and take pictures of shiny earrings, forks full of goodness, glasses of wine, and lipstick (well, if any of us took the time to put some on), but I didn't. Next time though!

We're also having weekly Monday crafts - a couple of hours in the afternoon for the babes to play and the Mama's to create.
Also a few of us are interested in an unschooler's coop - I hosted on Wednesday, and we just played, but I think we're thinking sort of a themed exploration - bring your tools (or blocks, or books about it, or magnets, or bubbles, or whatever) and we'll see what comes of it. We haven't really decided yet exactly what we're doing - as we haven't set down formally with the children and brainstormed. -These are wild unschoolers, remember, and when we're together (ages one to six) there's lots of runnin' and hollerin' and whoopin' and jumpin'. So sittin' down and discussing what might be fun instead of just living it seems pretty silly to them, I'm sure!
Anyway - it's on the burner.
This week (crafty Mondays) we're invited to Teri's house for making beaded ornaments. Thursday it's to Grandma's house we go - not quite over the river and through the woods, but at least it's in the next county fourty-five minutes away, and we get to see our favorite Christmas lights house on the way back home. We're taking a green salad and pie -probably pecan, Eric and I detest pumpkin pie! Friday we have a playdate with Ari and Mina - Melissia's girls. That should be pretty great.

I tell ya, though, I'm missing out on the magic. It's sorta passing me by, as other things are filling up my time, and I'm not taking pictures and notes. I'm a bit worried that I'll be back online, and not know what to do!!

I'm getting pretty antsy for snow.
Every year I hang out a garland with big red velvet bows on my front fence, and I just can't wait to take a picture of that bow and garland with a couple of inches of snow on it! And icicles!
And maybe even footprints in the snow if the lighting permits. very exciting stuff!

Funny - as I sit here and write, I think - dang, I gotta get that modem at home working.... maybe I'll look at it tonight to see if I can see any loose connections.... :)

Anyway - I have a couple of things to do, so I'm off.
Hope my friends who visit here are well and happy - and hope you're still visiting!!
Much love to everyone, and a most Happy Thanksgiving to you!

offline

Maddie spilled applejuice into my notebook so I think I'm out for a while - except on Saturdays when I'm at work.
See you on the other side.

Surprise!

Look at this gorgeous thing.

My dear Sam brought it over yesterday - it's my birthday gift from her.

How lovely.

Whatever am I to do with it???

:)