Thursday, January 31, 2008

Sacred Life Sunday: Mastery

Mastery comes with the purchase of an ipod.Isn't that wonderful?
:)
I'd go into detail, but I'm afraid that I'd just annoy and confuse people with my ramblings - it really needs to be discussed over several posts.
So that's what I'll do.

Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Taxes

No wait. That's not right.
Is it??
Maybe it is.
Seems like it is.
Ah, hell, I don't know.

On Life:
Maddie's life has consisted of "Help me put this on" "No, I do it myself" "Aaaaaack! You stupid thing!" "You help wiff dis!!" "No, I do it!" "You damned thing!" "I need help." "I want it" "I don't want it." "You put this on me - No, it's not for Babies, it's for ME!"
Yes, yes. We all know that the real challenges begin when they are teenagers.
Whatever.
Pff. To you I dare to say "How soon we forget!!"
Relative, folks. It's aaaaaall relative.

Life Part II:
Calendars are done and I am thinking of quitting my Saturday job because my whole week revolves around it and getting things done by Saturday so that Sunday we can play as a family and have fun and no other obligations and if the house is a mess on Friday then it's really stressful to get it all straightened and Eric has a really stressful time Saturday mornings getting the babes ready for Grammie's and and and and there are lots of cool and fun things like Dinosaur classes at the Utah Museum of Natural History on Saturdays and lots of other fun sciencey sort of activities.... maybe after we get the tax return and get caught up I should just do it....

On Liberty:
Been thinking on my proclamations of being liberal. Or maybe libertarian. I stated to friends last week that while I consider myself liberal, I do not really consider myself politically affiliated with THE liberals. That's too confining, if you see what I mean. If I am associated with a one-and-only political party, then that takes away my freedom, now doesn't it?
I say "I am a liberal" because it means to me (as quoted by dictionary.com - my new favorite since my big red dictionary isn't always near my preferred machine: my laptop.):

lib·er·al [lib-er-uhl, lib-ruhl] Pronunciation Key –adjective
1.favorable to progress or reform, as in political or religious affairs.
2.(often initial capital letter) noting or pertaining to a political party advocating measures of progressive political reform.
3.of, pertaining to, based on, or advocating liberalism.
4.favorable to or in accord with concepts of maximum individual freedom possible, esp. as guaranteed by law and secured by governmental protection of civil liberties.
5.favoring or permitting freedom of action, esp. with respect to matters of personal belief or expression: a liberal policy toward dissident artists and writers.
6.of or pertaining to representational forms of government rather than aristocracies and monarchies.
7.free from prejudice or bigotry; tolerant: a liberal attitude toward foreigners.
8.open-minded or tolerant, esp. free of or not bound by traditional or conventional ideas, values, etc.
9.characterized by generosity and willingness to give in large amounts: a liberal donor.
10.given freely or abundantly; generous: a liberal donation.
11.not strict or rigorous; free; not literal: a liberal interpretation of a rule.
12.of, pertaining to, or based on the liberal arts.
13.of, pertaining to, or befitting a freeman.

Yes, folks. I am, and will most probably always continue to strive to be, a Liberal. So help me God.

And On Taxes:
Funny thing - my husband said a few years ago - I had never really thought about it in quite this way... "I don't mind paying taxes. What is the alternative? It just is what it is."
Hmm. Love you Rico. (maybe I should start sending him really loving and sweet notes in my posts, do you think that would prompt him to leave me a comment? I think that everyone believes that I and my ddh and babes don't really exist at all, and that I make all of these things up... maybe I scour the internet looking for pics of babes that even look similar to the afore-posted ones.... now where was I?... Oh yeah, taxes.... )
While I'm always a little delighted and eager to have my way with the money that Dear Old Uncle George sends back to me.... woohoo!, I'd be even more thrilled if he denounced himself and his oil buddies and dropped the price of gas to say - Oh, say, something that was BEFORE the supposed annihilation of the south and its oil rigs... but wait, we've recovered from that... why is gas so high again? Could it be that we just have gotten used to it?..... I digress, but who cares, because that's what this post is about, and I am too tired and taxed from life and politics and candidates that had promise but that want to offer liberties to the nuclear power plants and therefore encourage them to waste-more-waste-more-let's-all-turn-toxic-green-and-waste-more! And who the hell cares if there's nowhere to put it -not to mention store it FOR ETERNITY and for damned certain let's not use our soapbox to bring up really useful things like solar and wind and water and hemp and corn andandand...

On Taxes Continued - maybe, for those that don't like taxes so much, it would be much less painful if
1) everyone paid closer to the same,
and
2)we didn't have ridiculous things like "I'll buy your rights for your allotment since you are so responsible to the environment, and I'll just keep polluting at 2000% of what the (Not Conservative Enough) law allows me...
and
3) We could all choose what our particular dollars went for... and we had them tattooed on our foreheads... course that would mean that some of us would automatically reject some folks out of hand, and have automatic prejudices against them, but - I'd rather we be prejudiced about someone for their priorities and concern for this world and its inhabitants then what sort of money they make and what color their skin is and what country they were born in and wouldn't it be cool if there was just No More Money For War, and Uncle George had to either sell us on the idea, or had to just come up with alternatives? Then he and his oil buddies could fit the bill themselves... Yeah, they should pay for it themselves.....

What?
Did I say something?
I dunno.
Didn't I say that in the beginning?
I'm sure I did.

That's my life.
Life, liberty, and the Pursuit of Taxes.

'Finished my taxes, by the way.
Check's in the mail.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

the last battle

Well, since I've gotten two out of the way....
I am now going to work on the last one.
Which would be zipit! when my babes are ...er... communicating in a way that is different than what I would choose.
I'm thinking observe.

What I know for sure:
They adore each other.
They like each other's company.
They like to help each other.
They are willing to help each other.
They both have an inclination for sweetness.

So - why do I have in my head that these two are behaving badly?

Just because it sounds bad to me (often in the next room) doesn't mean that it is bad.
Two year olds shout.
Two year olds get frustrated, and shouting is quicker than saying "Um, excuse me, Trev, but I wasn't done with that, and I was having lots of fun playing with it."
"Go away!!" is a lot faster than saying "Um, Madd, I really just need some quiet time alone right now, please."

There has been upheaval and some crazy mojo comin' from Mama this week and better, and a little staying-out-of-it and loads of gentleness when I'm in it might be just the ticket. ([rolls eyes] "Geez, do ya think?")

Really.
They love eachother and are kind (mostly) to eachother, and I think that needs to be my focus instead of "no more violence in this home" (even of the shouting sort - because sometimes that feels like violence to me).
If you see what I mean.

Good things.
I'm focusing on good things.

Monday, January 28, 2008

work it

Honestly.Is there any real reasonwhya girlcan't feel super-duper?Well, aside from two very good ones like this, of course....
Wednesday morning (post two Very Bad -pmsy- Days) I decided that a little stress prevention was in order.
I got up, checked my mail, popped in one of my two favorite low-impact aerobics tapes, hopped in the shower, headed downstairs to the sanctuary for a bit of recuperative meditation, and was done and ready when the children awoke. Woohoo!
Thursday and Friday I skipped it, as I was in mad-cleaning mode.
Saturday I got on the treadmill at work for a while.
Sunday was a repeat of Wednesday.
Today I got on my treadmill for a half hour with weights- and may be inclined to do a yoga or balance ball session in a little while.

The initial call was to try to reduce some of my tension, as I said, but since then I've decided that I'm done with my outside not matching my inside. I feel fit, I feel strong, I feel capable... and I feel shocked and sad sometimes when the mirror doesn't show these same things.

I'm done with that, folks.

It is not my intent to lose weight (I'm thinking more like gaining fitness and gaining strength and gaining attractiveness- and I don't own a scale (it stopped working properly and we threw it out) - but I do not want to go through any more of my life feeling sad about this. but to live in harmony with my body.
I intend to look at myself in the mirror and see at least in part the person that lives on the inside. The happy and smart and fit person.

The formula is simple - expend more than is taken in.
And that's what I intend to do.

Healing Part II

I'm really not going to go on and on about this - :) I promise.
I've just made a few observations, and want to share.

First, you know how after something major happens, and you've cried and cried, and you're left feeling sooo spent, and sort of drifty and numb?
That wasn't how I felt yesterday at all.
Curiously, I felt far from it. I felt empowered. I felt free. I felt light and playful - not in an psuedo-ecstatic sort of way, either, but in a regular playing-with-the-children-and-having-a-great-day sort of way.
I felt happily normal.
Like it was just gone, and maybe like it had never been. (Which may sound weird.)
I think that's what the conviction of "I am done" did for me.
No after-affects, no residue, no revisiting.

Secondly, I believe I have been liberated in a surprising way.
I have just the tiniest (tiny-tiny-tiny, mind you) fear in me that it's not over. That I don't really have the power to say "I'm done with it" and actually Be done with it.
But as I was sitting here I was thinking, Okay, say Maddie came in right now shrieking (before seven in the morning when it's perfectly quiet except for the wind outside - I really need quiet in the morning) and screaming demands and generally in a grumpy mood, would I be extremely gentle about it? Or would it send me through the roof? (nerves, I mean.)
And my answer is - well, yeah, I'd probably flinch, and pick her up, and cover my ears if I needed to. And of course I'd help her get whatever it is that she needs.
But here's the difference - I'd accept my feelings about it. I would not feel ashamed that hearing a loud and shrill scream at 6:37am -violently shattering the peace and quiet- made me feel that electricity is shooting out of my fingernails. I'd not be angry that I'm feeling a bit angry about it.
Do you see?
It's crazy, probably.

Here's the thing: I've moved from "I hate this power that this thing (anger/frustration/resentment) has over me. I resent it, I'm angry about it, it pisses me off, and I am ashamed of it."
I have moved into "I embrace who I am, and what I am, and I accept these things I feel and I carry them gladly and voluntarily, and see that I can learn well from them."
It has lost its power over me.

I've understood for a long time now that we're all responsible for our emotions.
It's been complex, figuring this line between "I came to my mother for a reason" and in really bad moments "look what you did to me".
It's hard to witness other's instincts for gentleness and softness, and not feel that you got short-changed in the "let's give you a gentle childhood and teach you how to be a good parent" department.
It's not my wish to show so clearly my self pity - but I've often wished that my instincts and skills were very different from what they are.
But that's neither here nor there, really - because it is what it is, and things are exactly as they should be.
Hmmph. (begrudgingly) I guess. : ) (If you accept it in one instant, you must accept it in all, hmmm?)

Anyway - getting back to it -
I've known for some time that we're responsible for our lives, and our choices, and our reality.
And I've known that my reactions to particular situations are also mine. I own them.
And I've done a fairly good job of parenting in a more gentle and loving way than what I was taught.
While being a parent I've come to understand that the way I was taught is (by far) just not good enough, and I work hard (most times) to give my children a very different childhood.

But even in this I've carried that damned "I hate this about me, and I resent it and I'm ashamed of it."
And that is what's gone.
That is what is no longer invited in my being. That is what shall not continue to poison me.
All of that poison has been bled out.

I cannot say that I forgive. Forgive seems so "rise above and embrace it lovingly with understanding".
What I feel I've done is more like a powerful drop-kick off the planet.
Gone. Good riddance.

Suits me just fine.

Sunday, January 27, 2008

focusing indeed

I don't imagine that anyone will be interested in this one ('cept maybe my sister Kim). Well, really I don't imagine that anyone would be interested in most things written here, as they are mostly just tales of one girl's search for truth and enlightenment.
But folks come 'round, amazingly enough.

This one is for me. Read on as you will.
***

Where to begin?
I've been angry for a while now. Well - a long while really, perhaps for over thirty years now.
There are lots of little reasons, or maybe there's no good reason.
But lately I've been especially angry for a week or two - brought on by a thoughtless comment made to my child. Said by my mother. (It wasn't even the words themselves, though certainly rude, it was the reopening of old wounds that was so poisonous to me.)
It is not my intent to vent and rail and blame.
Thankfully, I have a family upstairs who loves me enough to let me cry and scream and pound my chest and sob and hiccup and wail. And I have done all of these things today.

And since I have done so, now, in this new Today I am choosing a different path.
One that is not associated with childhood hurts and anger and resentment and embarrassment and shame.
Today I am cutting myself off from that past.
Not from the relationship with my mother - nothing so drastic. But from the pain and the shame. I am done with it.

I have considered a number of options this last week.
Meetings face to face where I shout and blame and rail and point the finger and scream and say "How dare you?!?" defiantly, or "How could you?!?" in a softer moment.
Writing letters that are full of every hurtful thing and word and embarrassing moment and shameful incident and bruise and violent attack. Full of railings and name calling and anger.
I have also considered a healing ritual.

The first I have tried - though with much diplomacy - it was not a success, and I just ended up with another heap of resentment when it was over.
The second would just take too damned long, and I am not willing to go through it all (again) and cramp my hands and break pencil leads and run out of ink while indulging in violent thoughts so that I can feel guilty later for writing things that I do not really mean.

As it turns out, the end has found its own way, and I need not wonder any longer.

Today the wounds were laid bare, and the blood and poison were there for all to see. I don't think they understood it. Certainly my loves were at first frightened by it. But after soft words and cuddles and solid reconnection, the children recovered right quickly.
I think dh was still left in a daze, and wondering if he had married a madwoman.
Eventually I went to him, and laid myself across him on the couch, and told him the whole sorry tale. I even sobbed to him the most horrid part of all - the shame I feel for reacting as I do, and so angrily, when in my heart all I want is to authentically and truly represent Who I Am. Bless him, he understands me well, and loves me truly.

And I told him "I am done with it."
I pray I am done.
I want no part of this anger to grow in my mind or body or spirit. I will not have these feelings creating dis-ease in my body or heart or spirit. I will not be caged by these things - in my mind, my body, or my spirit.
I Am Done.

As lovely it is to imagine that I forever shall be rid of these toxins, and as much as I feel liberated from them I don't imagine that I shall forever more be free of anger.
I am still not perfect.
There are lots of other parts of me - I am an emotional creature through and through.

But the poison - venomous and toxic and deadly - no longer has a place within me.

Hereafter I embrace challenges and failures and questions with the best of me - with things that I claim and embrace and carry gladly on my quest for Truth.

I drew a Rune today - a Healing Rune - I usually use the gray ones, but not today - I drew Hagals, which in HR's is Anger.
I drew Anger. !
The challenge for you in drawing the Rune of Anger is to take Anger's powerful energy and treat it as an ally in your healing a wake-up call for change.
This Rune announces that the moment has come for you to let go of Anger. Know that in doing so you must give up the old and be willing to wait patiently for the new to be revealed to you in its proper time.
...
Anger at injustice can be a liberating and powerful force for change. Healthy anger, appropriate Anger can free you to break old patterns or helplessness. Anger is a force that can provide you with the energy to change.
There is a blessing for you in receiving this Rune, a new way of looking at life, a new way of responding to conflict. When you are able to take that new perspective out into the world, surely then you can call Anger your teacher and your friend.

And so it goes.
I am liberated.
I am free from it.
It is over.
I am done with it.

Sacred Life Sunday: focus


During the morning's meditation one word came to my mind: Focus.
I'm not sure about it.
We'll see where this takes me today.

Saturday, January 26, 2008

anger ... Enlightened

Not too long ago (I really don't know when, I have a really warped sense of time - it could have been last week, could have been a month ago) when I was all bent out of shape about something, I thought Here we go again... I'm taking it out on these poor souls (that share this home with me), and it's not even their problem or fault - I could have prevented this if I had only been more____, yet I am angry and (possibly) shouting and sulking. At THEM.
So... Why?
I am soooo hangin' out with the right people, friends, because in one ear I have Laura whispering her wisdom and insight about prevention, and how well she tames it before it falls out of her mouth, and in another I have Carla, who often shares tales from ancient poets, and quotes things like
"It isn't the things that are happening to us that cause us to suffer,
it's what we say to ourselves about the things that are happening. ~Pema Chödrön
Which isn't really news to me, I've been a studier of various wisdom long enough to know that we get to decide what sort of Universe we live in.
My question is - Why? Why do we (um, Okay, I) blame someone (often anyone and everyone) outside ourselves?
I'm not saying that we should sabotage ourselves. Many of us lie the blame for a great many things at our own feet, and take responsibility for many of the world's problems - deservedly, or not. (Most likely not. Solely, anyway.)
But how to place a bridge over this Huuuuuge gap between the Quietest Voice that says "If you do something now, it will save you much trouble in the end..." and the one that rages against everyone and everything for standing between us and our happiness or even our desperately needed Two Moments of Peace?

Many, many, many (90%?)of my personal troubles come from this gap. Or, vortex, maybe. It sure seems like one most times.
Is it in this space that Enlightenment lies?

Maybe this is one of those Big Truths for me.
That I need to find the smallest space within myself where I can hear Loud and Clear that Quietest Voice. Which is, by the way, to what I was referring when I said "I intend to Listen to my Intuition."
sigh.
It's sooooooo hard to listen to it. It's not even the hearing of it - it's registering it and constantly practicing of Mindfulness, and quieting all the other external noise in order to do so. The children, the laundry, the day-t0-day, the bills, the tires that need to be rotated....
I'm not blaming, you understand, I'm just saying that it requires So Much.

I've got this voice rolling its eyes (can voices roll their eyes???) in my head that is saying "Well, duh! That's what we've been trying to tell you. Every day! Take moments Every Day - in quietness, tranquility, and peace, to Listen. To be in Stillness."
Oh, yeah. That would be meditation, of course.

Retreat.
Retreat....

I've got to think about this some more....

trev is learning to read....

How long do you (if you're an unschooler) say that for, d'you s'pose?
Until they cruise through first or second grade Dick and Jane readers? Until they pick up something fat like Harry Potter and dive in, all on their own? Until they pass their college entrance exams?

I think I said it for the first time about two years ago. Something like "Trev is learning to read - all of a sudden he is putting two letter sounds together...."
A milestone, certainly.

As i mentioned the other day (here and here), it's a subject loaded with parental emotion.
Pride, joy, and relief, certainly. It also deepens the trust in living and learning freely. Sometimes you question these feelings, and think "didn't I trust in him?" and you get a little twitchy. And then you remember that the others that have gone on before you began their journeys, too, on a wing and a prayer, and became more and more sure as the days and years went on.
The trust is there initially, as the theory fits and seems so perfect and makes so much sense to your mind and heart, but as you witness the moments and connections and see it all unfolding right before your very eyes, you cannot help but to whisper a breathy and reverent "Wow...."

Wednesday morning when I took the first picture of Trev "reading" his book, the first thought I had was "Yeah, look at this boy with his books and the way he studies them so intently, and tell me that he will not eventually learn to read - I can see that I should be very concerned.....".
Little did I know at ten that morning that the next evening I would be saying Trev is reading sentences.
It just makes me want to cry.

Last night after Trev had been reading and playing on JSWorld all day (it was like ten hours!) I said something like "Jeez, Trev - you're reading. How does it feel to be a reader?" He kinda was like "no big deal", but I carried through, in a light and tickling sort of way - "What does this say? Oh, never mind, I'll just read it myself!" and "What is this? Never mind - I can read it...." and "Oh, I'll figure it out.... I'll just READ it...." and he laughed, and was pleased, and I think it got me off the hook a bit about making a big deal about it - he got to see my enthusiasm full-blown, I wasn't hiding it from him, and I think he understood that reading IS a big deal to most people.

I am so profoundly grateful that our lives have unfolded in this way. I am so thankful that my children have the liberty to discover and uncover things without and within every day. I am so grateful that I have been shown the benefits of marathon cartoon network watching and that I heard my child say "But books are so Boring - there's nothing exciting and moving about them like cartoons!" and that I lived to tell the tale. That just a few short weeks later (never limited) watching cartoons by themselves was Just Not Enough - and were found more satisfying when accompanied with jumping and games and especially while reading books.

In my excitement (or maybe my enchantment) I am not discounting reading in all its various forms. Books (as opposed to comic books, online games, tv shows, etc) along with Trev's computer games just happen to be the way He is doing it.
He is learning to read mainly because he wants more information on prehistoric life at any given moment. He wants to know when it evolved, and who its predators and prey were, and if it existed in the same prehistoric sea as the Hesperornis or the Tylosaurus.
And he is learning because he enjoys his various computer games.

We don't limit (cable) television. In any way. And my children watch Ruff Ruffman and Wishbone(pbs) and Madd watches Super Why and Clifford and Arthur. Trev and Daddy are crazy about .... Oh, what the hell is the name of it.....it's a new one on CN, and all the characters are named after food, and one dude says Radda-radda-radda - anyway - they think it's funny, and I think it's damned obnoxious and I can't understand what they are saying much less what the hell the point is..... and we watch alot of Animal Planet and Discovery and History channel.
And we eat what and when we're hungry.
And we go to bed when we're sleepy.
And we have tea parties.
And we have science experiments.
We investigate.
We study the globe.
And we learn a lot about evolution.
And we laugh and play and love and visit museums and live freely and well and openly.
And in all this magic and freedom, one of us is learning to read.
[shakes head]
It's a sparkly fine life, Friends.
Sparkly fine.

this week

Well, it's been a helluva week.
It started out not-so-good, and stayed that way for most of it. Emotionally, that is.
Hormones on tilt for a while, Maddie bugging Trev and Trev retaliating with shouts and pushes and bonks and hits, sliding off the road while driving a couple of times (in four-wheel drive), arriving upon a car accident just a couple of minutes after it happened (SUV upside down on the interstate, two other cars facing the wrong way - same day as sliding off the road twice - which made me bawl and bawl because the upside down one was four feet away from me and everyone was walking around and apparently no one was hurt, and there were no children in the accident, but mine asked me why I was crying and all I could say was "I'm just so thankful....") a visit at a friend's house a few minutes later (where we were headed) which bothered me, I felt like we were a nuisance, my children love animals and play rowdily with our dog, and wanted to be fully engaged with these dogs, too, but these dogs of course were not used to that, and I felt like we were causing problems, and then of course when my son would shout for whatever reason I was overly worried about it because of the recent interactions with Madd at home and the pms and the stress of the other goings on....
Blech. That gets us through Monday.

Tuesday was more of the same - at one point when I was vacuuming up birdseed that had been dumped all over the livingroom and carried into the kitchen (Remember how I said on OLM that I came upstairs to chaos after cleaning the downstairs on Tuesday?)- three times Madd came to me crying because Trev had hurt her, and the third time I just told Trev "Go to your room" (which is never done in our home) because I had no skills and was still on tilt and needed a couple of minutes to get this damned bird seed cleaned up and if she came to me crying again in the next two minutes I was going to scream, and when I got it vacuumed up and went and talked to Trev he cried and said "I'm such a bully," and "I'm never coming out of this room, am I?" and "I'll miss playing with you guys."
sigh.
And then the kicker - "Mom, couldn't you just speak to me quietly and give me some gentle information?"
Gentle information indeed.
Which led our conversation to my not having very good skills and his "wanting to be loving on the inside but being angry on the outside." his words - but ones I understand fully and completely.

I think after that (Tuesday) things started to turn around - but it was a slow transition.

Wednesday was our recoup day. It was the day that Trev just read all day.
Which I want to get into but I think I want to save that for another post because it's such a big thing, and I don't really want to taint it with all of this other yuck....

The rest of the week I cleaned and cleaned and cleaned - a house in chaos and piles of laundry and pms do not mix well - and I've got calendars due in a few days, and that takes a lot of time, and coming out of that fog to a messy house is also a recipe for disaster....

So. I cleaned.
And am well rid of the yuck (emotional as well as mini-messes) - our home once again feels clean and peaceful and right -
and I am so, so thankful.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

retreat

"Retreat! Retreat!!" I heard the voice in my head urging me today.
I've really got to start listening.

blogger stealing comments

Hi everyone.
Apparently, Blogger has greedily stolen numerous comments. I left four yesterday that were not received, and others I know have, too.
I have posted all pending comments at this time - Tuesday at 7:30pm, so if you don't see yours it's cause the little monster ate them!
Please resend, if you're feeling very, very sweet!
xo

piddling

The day before yesterday I decided to tackle the playroom downstairs. It was a big mess - and most of it was mine.
I had gotten out craft supplies over the holiday season and just never put them back. There was always something to be moved before that could be put in its proper place, or something to be sorted, so boxes and bags were just left there - inviting little fingers to investigate and string and strew to her hearts content. (And paint on the carpet, as it were. woops. Good thing we don't plan on moving ever.)

So I dedicated several hours (in my head) to the job.

Late that night, around eight o'clock or so I started organizing the video tapes. It took me probably an hour - I have them numbered and listed in a book so that we can look through the book to see what it is that we'd like to watch.
Next I sat there sorting our storyboard felt pieces. Rumplestilskin, Jack and the Beanstalk, The Three Little Pigs, shapes, letters, etc.

As I sat there sorting, feeling very calm and actually even tranquil I thought how therapeutic it was for me. Organization. Something that I absolutely need in my life.
That's not big news, I've always known that organization is a big part of me. I like to know exactly where to find something. Most times I know exactly where everything in my house is. Where it goes.

What was news to me was this: though I get much satisfaction and peace from it - the same would probably not be true for another.
My son, for instance.
But why would I care?

He knows how to sort if he is so inclined. Living life naturally has taught him that. He sorts the toys in his room (we have little boxes) without a problem.
Why would I insist that he (at least pretend to) have this same trait, though?

Which of course led to "it's the same with school."

We make sense of our worlds in different ways. Some like to speculate and philosophize. Some like to classify. Some like to study the intricacies of the human mind. Some like to explore the universe and its elements. Some make sense of it with patterns and numbers and shapes. Some understand it by creating it on canvas. Some folks like to move their bodies in particular ways to feel really alive and accomplished.
We're all different.

What gives us the right to say that one way is superior to another? That certainly isn't true. I doubt any one way brings the experiencer any more joy than another. We're talking about expressing one's self. Exploring. Searching. Discovering. If it's done with zeal and passion, how could it be labeled unsatisfactory to another?

And why on earth would we want to take away this passion that one has in how he discovers life, and mute it - just to make room in his time and mind for a bunch of other routes that he has no interest in? To make him generic?

It makes no sense to me. When allowed to follow your heart and mind and interests - don't you imagine that if something comes up that you need to understand to further you along your chosen path that you will learn it?
Haven't we all learned this way in our post school years? Freely, I might add.

What would happen if instead of mouthing to our children "You can be anything." we actually meant it, and encouraged them to discover themselves and and truly know themselves, thereby offering from the beginning the grand experience of actually being anything?
Unlimited and unimpeded. Honoring who they are.

Don't you imagine they'd learn to fly?

Monday, January 21, 2008

Excellent Blogs: Sharing the Love

Passed initially by Project Mommy, in the acceptance of this award you agree to share the love with not less than ten others.
Laura (someone very dear to me) has shared her award with me for Happy and Free, and I thank her truly. It means to me probably a lot more than it should! :)
My darling friend Evie graciously awarded Ordinary Life Magic with a second "Excellent Blog" award. I thank her most sincerely also - it means every bit as much to me as the first one did.

I began my list of ten awards on two different lists. It seemed appropriate.
Sharing at HF was going to blogs that inspire me spiritually and emotionally, while on OLM I was thinking of folks who share their day-to-day details, and their own bits of ordinary life magic.
I got well into the lists - around eight on each - when I started getting weary of the separation.

Many of my visitors prefer one blog or the other.
Some visit one or the other exclusively.
But they're both me. They're both pictures of my life. They are both my loves, and absolutely my heart and soul.

So! with that being said, I am no longer interested in separating or classifying the blogs with which I am choosing to share the love.

***
Now.... on to the sharing....

I am giving my first award to Laura - because I would have if someone else had given it to me. And I'd like her to know that.

Ladybugzen is next at Collecting Leaves - because I love traveling to the other side of my world and being embraced by the gentleness of her words and pictures.

Aubrey. Because she makes me think. And smile. And I adore her and her hooligans.

Julie at Lerend Zonder School. Because she is my friend, a beautiful Mama, and does a very fine job of recognizing life's magic.

Teri at Joyful Liberation - another Mama who is a life-long knitting waldorfing celebrating laughing shining hiking creating artsy unschooler. With time to spare to blog and keep track of it all.

My sister KimK. Because she makes me laugh, and she inspires me - and I am so glad that I get to visit her through these pages.

Evie, for her Incredible Shrinking Self - because thankfully she does not shrink but grows more into herself and her passions each day - providing the rest of us with truth and honesty and encourages everyone around her to be their amazing selves as well.

Madeline of Barn Raising - she has such a beautiful blog, and shares her passions freely.

Ren of Learning In Freedom - because she leads. And she works. And she blogs. And she lives RU. And she shows so many the way.

Beverly of Homeschool Image - I like her droll wit very much - just don't eat crackers while reading her blog. You'll likely choke.

Jane is a new find that I like very much - she is sort of new to RU - but she came packed full of goodness - she'll go far and deep into this one, I imagine.


Lastly, I feel compelled to recognize these people that I do not know (and that certainly do not know me), but that have greatly and oh-so-gently influenced my ponderings as well as my heart -

Carla at Zena Musings because she had the wisdom to begin a movement that so speaks to me - Sacred Life Sunday. And because she has some breathtaking photos.

Amanda at Soule Mama because her gentleness has so invaded so many unschooler's hearts - and she was a founder of the unschooler's ring. I don't imagine that she needs the recognition of this award (not to mention from a stranger), but perhaps she has a few friends that she'd like to honor by passing it on (even silently).

Boho and her Chronicles of Me, because there is so much emotion and beauty in her swirly world. Hers is a place of misty moonbeams as well as sparkly sunshine, and maybe she'd like to honor a few people of her own.

Julie of Two Small Birds is another most excellent site - full of Mama and Babies magic. Her beautiful photos and her poignant prose make for an always uplifting visit. Perhaps she, too, has people that she'd like to honor.



Sharing, always sharing.

Woohoo!!


Mmmm, a present from Laura first thing in the morning.
How lovely!
This is the "Excellent Blog" Award. My very first award.
Should I prepare an acceptance speech?

For now - thanks ever so much!
More later!

Sunday, January 20, 2008

Sacred Life Sunday: Unedited

This is one of the marvelous things that greeted me this morning. I took it standing on my front porch.
I have mixed feelings about it.
It's a beautiful scene, and exactly how I shot it. No editing at all - not even a crop.

It's a fitting representation of my life, I think.
There's beauty. And majesty. And magical colors.
There's a promising horizon.
There are complications such as phone lines interfering with the beauty. There is a tangled, overgrown tree that tosses its branches onto the lawn during a storm. There are dividing bushes that separate my world from others.

If I had my way - to make it truly beautiful I'd put a little more color into it.
I'd heighten the contrast.
I'd edit out the telephone pole and the wires, making it a little less complicated and more serene.

But - that wouldn't truly and honestly depict my life - this Sacred Life, this day.
My life does have complications.
There are many interruptions to the daily beauty.
Things that disrupt the pristine.
There are small branches littering my life. Sometimes they even fall on my head. :)
There are irritating, interrupting, uninspiring daily occurrences. Life's little messes.
There are barriers that I choose not to take down (ego) that keep me from experiencing Oneness with the All.

All of these observations may seem obvious and simple to others.
But these things are things that get in my way oftentimes of recognizing my always Sacred Life.

I tend to think in terms of perfect - which means no interruptions. Just the beauty. Just the serenity. Just the joy.
These are the things I look for when I think sacred.

I am attempting to talk (and reason and persuade) myself out of this rigidity. By making these observations I am striving toward knowing, broadening my acceptance of what my Sacred Life is.
It is my desire to live and see and hear the frustrated shouts of the children, the spills in cramped spaces, rambunctiousness of our giant dog, grumps from my husband (and let's not forget my own) - the demands of my life - and not feel that they somehow rob me of life's magic.

Instead of gentling the world outside myself, which is certainly not always possible - no matter what means I take - I'd like to be able to find the sacredness in all that surrounds me.
I'd like to accept it for what it is - life happening.
Indeed, even sacred life happening.

Such is my intent for this day.

Sacred Life Sunday

Want to read something especially fine today?
Head over to Collecting Leaves, by ladybugzen.
It will only take you a minute to read - and it just might make your day brighter.

it's just a coincidence

It was pointed out to me (again) not too long ago what coincidence means.
It doesn't really mean what most of us take it to mean.
Coincide - coincidence - mathematically means "two angles that fit together perfectly."
We usually use it to mean "by happenstance" or accident.

I've really been noticing coincidences for the last little while.
Probably a dozen times or so in the last week.

LadybugZen wrote a lovely post with pictures referencing the Tao of Pooh, which I've been thinking of lately, and even made a slight reference to at the end of my potions post earlier this week. (It may not have been apparent, but I was thinking it.)
On two or three other blogs I've read of abundance, something I've been contemplating myself.
On others it's been Intention.
On still others I have been reading observations of what a remarkable and amazing life we unschoolers get to live. Something I surely have been thinking of often myself lately. I don't mean to disconnect with hsers, but this particular one is specific to unschooling - seeing the magic happen without lessons, and frustration, and control. Once in a while you stand in amazement when your child discovers the world completely on his own - in a way that makes sense to his mind, and speaks to his heart. It takes your breath away.
Sheri at My So-Called Homeschool wrote a few days ago a "My Favorite Things of the Day" post, I've been wanting to do a "favorite things" post for several days, now. (I sing the song all the time. Well, not all the time - but often enough. Maddie always hushes me. I tell her to go away. :) )
Lastly, last night I wrote a post about the moon in Cancer, and the full moon phase - which is all about motherhood, nurturing, family, cooking, emotions, impressions, and this morning I got a comment from Evie saying "head on over to Child'sPlay to read her post last night". I did, and found a beautifully moving post about grief - and mothering, and nurturing, and family, and cooking, and emotions.

To my mind there are a couple of parts to this great mystery.
One is that it shows that we're drawn toward our own kind - to those that can understand us, and that have had similar experiences.
If you're a person that likes what I would consider negativity - illness, bad fortune, children that you don't get along (ever) peacefully with, and some people do like to live this way -(believing life is hard and cruel) then you're probably going to surround yourself with like-minded people.
You're probably going to hang out places where you can complain, and say "My child did the brattiest thing...." ...And thankfully so, for those of us that have very different lives don't see it that way, and don't really want that particular poison in our minds and hearts.
And, if you're of a different mind, and wanting different things in your life, then you probably seek out places to express and reinforce that, too.
And guess what?
Both of them will probably supply you with lots more of whatever it is that you're experiencing.

The second is that it reveals where the mind and heart lie.
Sometimes you are exposed to words or thoughts that lead you to understanding, even when you haven't captured what the question is, or what it is that you were trying to figure out.
But you come to that understanding at exactly that time from exactly that source because you're ready for it.
Coincidentally.

Anyway.

This is my blogging and sharing world, Friends.
Full of coincidences, and full of questions and inclinations and investigations - always inspiring me and furthering me along my path - more deeply, and more sure-footed.
I've said it before (and probably will for as long as we have this blessed avenue for sharing) that I am so astoundingly grateful to have this resource for exploration and introspection.
Though surely it's no coincidence......

Saturday, January 19, 2008

sunday's forecast

I'm looking forward to tomorrow.
Another addition of Sacred Life Sunday, a new Photo Challenge, and a full moon phase - this time in Cancer - a place for home and hearts.
Sounds lovely.

I've been thinking often the last few days about abundance. While I'm not ready to write about it quite yet, (I'm in the "in between") I feel that what I know to be true, and the way I have (thoughtlessly) been behaving are sort of at odds. I've had sort of a "there is not enough to go around" sort of behaving. Which goes against everything I believe in.
There is always enough for everyone. A wondrous, infinite supply, in fact.
In line with that shift I'd like to consciously make, I am considering keeping a gratitude journal again.
Maybe more on that tomorrow. Or later tonight, if I get so inspired. : )

There is a full moon in a few days - on Tuesday morning. While I don't always live and breathe for such things, I usually do follow what's going on - for a number of reasons. Often I am inspired by the earth's cycles, atmosphere, and seasons. Sometimes it's a way to re-align my self and spirit with the world outside my head.
Tomorrow morning - well, late tonight the moon moves into Cancer. Cancer is a place for emotional rapport, growth and nurturance, home, children, emotions, cooking, eating, love, mothers, family, divination, psychic development and impressions.

See what I mean? If you're feeling a lull, you can to look to something such as this, and think "aah, sounds interesting... how can I relate to this?...." or "what kind of gentle influence can contemplating such things have on me?...."

Pretty helpful, sometimes.

Anyway - I have a date with a couple of little imps - and I think I'm in charge of the popcorn. I'd best get on that.

'night.

just because sometimes I like them



"You're the time of day right around sunrise, when the sky is still a pale bluish gray. The streets are empty, and the grass and leaves are a little bit sparkly with dew. You are the sound of a few chirpy birds outside the window. You are quiet, peaceful, and contemplative. If you move slowly, it's not because you're lazy – it's because you know there's no reason to rush. You move like a relaxed cat, pausing for deep stretches that make your muscles feel alive. You are long sips of tea or coffee (out of a mug that's held with both hands) that slowly warm your insides just as the sun is brightening the sky."

Mmmmm, perfect. My favorite time of day.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

channel surfing through society

Sometimes it's hard for me not to disdain the world out there. Well, its humans, anyway.

I often wake up in the middle of the night. It used to be at three something, lately it's a little after two.
There is an ancient wisdom (I'll have to look it up to be more specific) that says something like "The morning has secrets to tell you. Do not go back to sleep. Do not go back to sleep." This comes from the idea that the world around us is the most quiet at around three a.m., and that if you listen carefully, you'll find your Truths and wisdom in the silence.
Sometimes I get up, and get out of bed. Sometimes I go back to sleep.
Usually I grab the television's remote before I commit either way.

Have you cruised through channels in the middle of the night?
This is where my enmity has come from.
I landed on I think it was Mtv, and there was a girl there showing us riveted folks at home her pink labels on her hummer's hubcaps. Fascinating stuff, that.
I kept wondering "who is this, and why is she telling me this?" (Cribs, I believe.)
I was asking Eric yesterday if he knew anything about the Britney Spears thing. I said "there is something about her and her family, but I'm not sure what it is. Do you know?" No, he said. No help there. The best bit of info I gleaned was something about she shaved her head a while back to mock the people that follow her around - paparazzi. "Well, that's something," I thought. Even if it's a "screw you" to all this nonsense.
Anyway, one of my least favorites is the show/commercial where the guy sits on the couch, and talks with three or four reasonably young women about how important the size of their partner's anatomy is. Evidently it's imperative that the world be aware that you can do something about it, if only you will.

It's difficult to not assume that this is the sort of thing that people want to watch - for it's on. Would it be on, if no one was interested? Seems unlikely.
So - who is clamoring for this stuff?
One of my least favorite kind of shows in general (besides Cops, which I detest for a number of reasons) are the Hollywood entertainment shows. I just don't care. If I stretched it, I could probably come up with two or three dozen actors and actresses.

I'm not angry at all, or even slightly disgusted, really, now that I've thought about it for a couple of hours - I'm just wondering what my place in it is.
I was wondering about my judgments of it - such things that to me seem really superficial and nonsensical - and how I could come to terms with this huge part of my society.
I understand entertainment. Well, maybe I don't understand it, exactly (sports, entertainment tonight, hollywood marriages), what I mean is that I understand that people feel the need to suspend their lives for a moment, and escape into something else.
But I was wondering how to get passed the momentary judgment.
And I was judging.

Strangely, the answer I came to was "This is not Yours."
That's all.
No judgments. No thoughts of contempt. No rolling of the eyes.
Just "This is not Yours."

It does not belong to you. It is not there for you.

See it, notice it, write about it if you must, :), and then move along.
"Oh. Well, then. Yes. Yes, I see."

Funny.
It's gone, now.

No contempt. No thoughts of foolishness. No disdain for adulation or hero worship for those showing off their sparklies.

I'm left with the quiet knowledge that it's just not there for me.

I feel much better about it, now.

So.... should I go back to bed?

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Photo Challenge: Connections

pms potions

Sometimes-especially when one has admonitions of "gentle..." whispering in her head-a girlhas gotta dowhat a girl's gotta do.

Silly, silly girl.

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

twenty-one degrees

feeling edgy.

Monday, January 14, 2008

In beauty

Draw your inner energy from the beauty that surrounds you. When you do so, this energy reception will become a source of strength and sustenance in your life.
As you begin practicing beauty appreciation and seeing it in all things that you encounter, including all people, as you begin to see the fullness of God in everyone instead of something to judge, you'll find a new kind of bliss in your everyday life.


Last night when I heard these words (by Dr. Wayne Dyer, by the way) that I wrote of for Sacred Life Sunday, something happened.
My head and heart shifted to a higher octave.
Sounds strange, I know, but it's true.

While I certainly believe in ordinary life magic, as you know, I had never considered drawing energy consciously from surrounding beauty.

Just the thought of it made me feel lighter - any burdens, my heart, my spirit - all of it.
And it wasn't in a serious and seeking sort of way, either. It was in a light, breezy, frolicky sort of way.

I thought, Huh. To take in the beauty around me - laughter, beauty in my home, my children's silliness, the love my husband shows for all of us - to take that and just absorb in intentionally into myself.
I can only guess that what happens at that point is that everything becomes more joyful. The house is honored for its beauty - and instead of cleaning out of obligation or duty (or even to provide us with a clean place to play and grow), it is cleaned for the sake of beauty and lightness and joy - honoring it for those things.
What a concept.
Loud noises perhaps will come less bothersome. Beautiful pictures will become tools - instead of things not to be noticed.
I can only think too, that the cycle of beauty will perpetuate, don't you think? That absorbing joy and beauty will mean emitting joy, and that means there will be even more beauty to draw upon?

It's an interesting suggestion.
I am looking forward to this day.

Sunday, January 13, 2008

Sacred Life Sunday: soul food





Draw your inner energy
from the beauty
that surrounds you

When you do so,
this energy reception
will become a source
of strength
and sustenance.

Primary Perception

I remember being interested in boring old science for the first time in (I think it was) fourth grade. I don't think that I was necessarily disinterested in it - I believe looking back that it had much more to do with labels and school talk than anything else. You know - either you are "good at" art, science, math, or english.
Sad, really. Our possibilities for growth and knowledge are so much greater when we're not limited in such a way. Teachers, parents, and eventually students learn to say it and judge. (I chose English, by the way.)

Anyway - there I sat in my middle of the room seat (not in the front, not in the back where I'd be tempted to doodle and not learn anything - but well in the middle where I would forever remain anonymous) when my teacher - don't remember his name - told us that there was no such thing as solid mass. That all things were made up of molecules, and that things just sort of shimmered, bonded together with energy, and they broke apart quite often, but that it happened so fast that we couldn't see it.
That bit of information changed my world. My head. My life.
Forever after I looked at the world around me in a whole new way.

It's possible that I might have been thinking about this in the middle of the night, last night (while sleeping) - for out of the blue I heard MythBusters on, and something about a "Palm tree and a piece of straw." "Yes!!" I remember thinking, just as if I had conjured up that piece out of thin air.
Of course I was fully awake, now, and eager for what was to come.
One of my favorite topics.
It's pretty common knowledge that after tornadoes and hurricanes pieces of straw or grass are often found sticking out of trees. MythBusters was testing if a piece could actually travel through the tree and come out the other side. I wasn't much interested in that. I just like the energy, the separation, the chaos and the force.
In my head (it doesn't matter if it's true, or not, it is what I see and believe) such penetrations are not just about wind. And the force of that wind. To me it's about the energy that surrounds the everything. The chaos of the storm, the incredible power, the subjection to external forces, it's like there is something greater that takes over, and one (even a tree) cannot help but forget for a moment that it is a tree, and that it must hold itself together, and so shimmers itself momentarily into the power of that storm. It gets sort of overwhelmed, if you will. Thus blades of grass and pieces of straw and various other seemingly inconsequential things are found to be amazingly penetrative.

A second piece of this particular MythBusters was even more exciting for me.
"Myth: All living things are interconnected and can communicate at an ESP level. This means that plants have feelings and can even scream in response to a stressful situation."
Now I have a problem with the verbiage here. While I certainly believe that all things have energy, and are responsive, I don't believe that response can be called emotion, exactly. I think things are affected by outside influences, but I don't believe that they judge those influences to be "good" or "bad", and develop fear or anger toward such influence. I believe that things are more just expressions of energy, if you will.
But, as it happens, this was their myth, and their intention to either prove or disprove this particular theory.
The first object (which was the only one I was really interested in - the rest were too fear-based) was a plant, the same specimen that Cleve Baxter used in 1966 when he performed these tests.
You can read a bit about Mr. Baxter's tests here, or in his book The Secret Life of Plants.
Essentially he was the creator of the modern day polygraph machine (particularly the Emotional Stress Monitor, Model #22600), and one day spontaneously decided to hook his machine up to a plant. He found that when he gave it water, it demonstrated on his machine that it was happy. Later he had thoughts of burning the plant - and the plant immediately showed signs of serious distress just from those thoughts.

So MythBusters tackled it. They found that while in immediate vicinity of the plant, 33% of the time (striking the plant and thinking thoughts of "I'm going to hurt you" the plant responded. When they decided to be further away - outside of the sealed large shipping container - the plant responded 28% of the time. Fairly consistent, I'd say.

They went on to hook the plant up to an eeg machine, to test it again, and to also test "live" things - yogurt, eggs, etc. Nothing on the eeg, so the myth was busted.

But I don't care about that.
What I care about is that it was evident to me that life and energy is interconnected. That thoughts really do have relevance in our world outside of our own heads.
I thought it was extremely interesting - fascinating - that while in the beginning of the experiment, the MythBusters (Grant and Tory) were quite astounded at the results they were getting from the 22600.

It is not my intent to take what suits me in this investigation, and leave the rest. What I am saying is that while I don't believe, as I said, that things have emotion, per se, I find it undeniable that the world around us (and macrocosmically the Universe) is affected by what we think, say and do.
Something to consider well, I believe.


Resources:
The Secret Life of Plants and Diet for a Small Planet
Primary Perception
physics forum
annotated mythbuster

Saturday, January 12, 2008

Sacred Life Sunday

I was visiting a few blogs within the Small is Beautiful (aka Passionate Blog) ring and found another ring - a Sacred Life ring.
It stared with these beautiful words from Zena Musings - "every day for at least a month I'm going to post a photo from my daily life capturing something that connects me to Spirit."
Isn't that an inspired idea?
I debated on putting up the ring, as when I visit blogs that have lots of rings I tend to get dizzy and feel scattered and confused (as well as anxious to leave asap) - but I am going to do it - it is an idea that softly but clearly and eloquently speaks to my heart.
I simply cannot refuse.

So! Now I have something soooooo delicious to look forward to tomorrow.
It is no coincidence that Sundays are my Very Favorite sort of days....

Intention

I haven't actually sat down yet and put plainly into words or thoughts what exactly Intent means to me for 2008.
I've thought of it fleetingly - and am already considering it in a few of my actions, but I haven't gotten really clear in my head what I hope to gain, or where it may lead me.
Thus - here I am today when I have lots of quiet time to think about it. (Aaaah - eight hours of almost completely uninterruped computer time. How lovely. Which is pretty much the real reason I have this one-day-a-week job.)

This week I spent loads of my time cleaning.
Getting rid of debris.
Decluttering.
Organizing.
Purefying.
The mail.
The fridge.
The oven.
The children's bedrooms have been tended to at least once daily (organized, dusted, vacuumed).
The laundry piles have been tended to.
The computers are organized and running efficiently and correctly.
All but one room in my home has been tended to completely and totally. Halls, drawers, most of the closets, stairway, my room.
Aaah - my room - yesterday I had the joy of tending to that one - giving it a thorough once over - it sparkles even more, now.... sigh...
Where was I?
Oh yeah - cleaning.

Part of my intent.
Sort of a physical way to straighten out my head.
It has two parts - one is the "Begin as you intend to go on," facet - ie start fresh and clean and clear, and the second is of course to just be rid of the muck. The old dirt. Clearing out the cobwebs. Both literally and figuratively, of course.

A huge part of my Intent for this year involves mindfulness. Which of course means being present in all my interactions with my children. It means tempering my reactions. It means not parenting on automatic pilot. It means thinking and feeling peace, and coming from that space with love instead of reacting from old patterns.
A biggy, to be sure.

Another bit of Intent for me means doing things physically to help me to remember what it is that I intend to bring into my life. Spending time in my room. Meditating. Thinking, writing, whispering, fiddling, all of the things that I like to do in a quiet corner of my home that I have claimed just for myself - a sacred space.

Another part of my intent is to be more aware. Aware of what I am doing (and not excuse my carelessness as "I am in a hurry", or "I am doing the best I can", or showing my opened palm that contains a few meager skills and saying "This is all I've got at the moment".) Be Aware of where my thoughts and actions take me. Aware of causes and effect. (Which I'm usually pretty good at.) I would also really like to be more aware of my Authentic Self - and the whisperings of my spirit. And certainly I'd like to be more aware of the magic that is my life - synchronicity, abundance, love, blessings, et cetera. And lastly I'd like to be more aware of my intuition.

I guess what it boils down to, for me, is that I already know that I am in charge of my life. I create my life and my circumstances moment by moment. With my thoughts. With my actions. With my words.
What I Intend - what I would like to do - is be more keenly aware of doing it. Instead of a more passive "I have created this -- now how did it come about, again?" I'd like to be more sure of every little detail - and notice the results the universe offers back to me in a more sure way.

I suspect that by living this way, and practicing these things, I shall not only learn a great deal about how to better represent myself and Who I Want To Be, but I shall also be better equipped to move myself into a deeper understanding and acknowledgment of what exactly that means.
And once I master that one - who knows - maybe my word for next year can be "Create"?

Sounds like a good idea to me....
How fun - I'll just zip and zap things all over the place...
:)
Blessed Be.

Friday, January 11, 2008

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Why I Matter in the Universe: Quantum Physics, Critical Mass, and The Hundredth Monkey.

A mouthful, certainly.
It's meant to be.

Some of us (namely Me) don't have much problem feeling that we matter. Some folks believe that our individual vote doesn't make a difference. I personally have always believed that mine will be the deciding factor (indeed, even being a liberal in a sea of republicans!)- it's that important and imperative to my life and my world.

Did you know that on a sub-atomic level there is such a point as a Critical Mass? That if you take electrons and align them (and not even necessarily the majority, I don't think?), that you get to a critical mass - quantum physicists call it a phase transition, and at that point all the other electrons automatically align themselves?
People, too, are made up of these sub atomic particles.

Where this complexity becomes critical here and now - is that when people begin to think in a certain way, all of consciousness begins to shift. Humanity and the state of the world begins to change. Such as the abolition of slavery.
Not only did it begin its end in the middle of the nineteenth century in the US and Africa, but in unrelated places - in Asia, Indonesia... the consciousness of the planet began to shift.
Enough people began to say to themselves (in critical mass)"This isn't right", and revolution came from that consciousness. Different leaders were elected. People represented themselves differently. Awareness was changed.

There is also what is called "The Hundredth Monkey Effect".
Monkeys were taught (by humans) to wash sweet potatoes on an island, and others would watch them perform this activity. When it reached a critical mass, all the monkeys were found doing the same thing. Then it was discovered that monkeys on an entirely different island - over two hundred miles away were doing the same thing.

Further exploration of such (quantum mechanical) interesting thoughts can be found at Edward Mitchell's (astronaut of Apollo 14) articles and essays webpage.

I admit there are naysayers to such speculations, hypotheses, and theories - and knowings.
shrug.
Of course we're all free to choose.
It is not my purpose on this Earth to argue and debate such things, and convince others of these truths. Well - necessarily. :) Besides that - I don't have the mental energy (or knowledge and capacity to explain such boggling things). I am a supposer and not a mathematician.
But nor shall I back down and dismiss the importance and magnitude of such a thing as thought.

Your
thoughts. My thoughts. Indeed - the collective conscious and thought of the planet.
That is my business. And my interest.
I do not imagine that these little speculations and ponderings from the various inspiring corners of my life (home and books and resources and investigations) shall sway the world into thinking as I do.

But I would like to encourage people to consider that thought is powerful.
To be very careful about the words they express as Truth.
To be aware of their words when they say "I Am".

To be very aware and conscious and mindful of what is in their hearts, and what they Know To Be True.

Hopefully by considering such things we can move (as One) into a more Peaceful, Loving, Considering, Understanding Place, and Embrace the World.
For the sake of Yours, Mine, and Ours.
For the sake of You and Me.

Blessed Be.
In Peace.

Wednesday, January 09, 2008

energy

I mentioned yesterday that I had something to take care of.
A big lingering It's Going To Get Me something.
It was a daunting and intimidating task, and one that I don't mind telling you required bravado.
So I participated. I swaggered, (not intentionally) and was bossy, and stuck strictly to the task at hand.
I hurried through the task - sorting, tearing, recycling, going through every piece of mail. Burning. Tossing herbs into the pot from time to time (gotta cleanse the ashes with something friendly, can't throw a pile of resentment onto my compost heap -you see how my mind works.)

After I was done with that - two or three hours later - I started cleansing away the emotional residue from the house. (Think of this as a house blessing, if you will.) It's been a while since I've done that. It feels good to do it every once in a while.

When I finished that I checked the moon's phase for Wednesday, and looked up the days of the week correspondences - being reminded that Tuesday is a day for aggression and learned that it belongs to Mars, and that it's a good day for: passion, courage, swift movement, action, energy, strife, aggression, physical energy, guns, tools, metals, soldiers, combat, confrontation, business, and beginnings, among a few others.
Interesting! Exactly how I was feeling.

After the cleansing and such I was pretty much thinking "sit back and let the tranquility begin." It seems silly, now, but really - that's pretty much the way I think. I have a mind that says feeling aggitated? Meditate! And when you're done meditating, you'll be a Zen Master!

So here I am, after raising my voice at one of the children, for I don't remember what, I've eliminated my trouble mountain, and I'm not feeling the bliss that I had assumed I would feel. Not only that, but Trevelyn is running around and shouting, exploding (not necessarily in anger, just in exuberance - but not necessarily joyfully, either.)
What?
But I'm done, I think.
I needed that particular energy to get through the task, but now I'm ready for a different kind.
I wasn't angry, you understand, just sort of ... loaded.
Thinking back now, what I should have done was intentionally ground it.

But instead I speculated. On how I felt. How I felt then at that moment, and how I felt an hour before. Was I angry when I was eliminating that pile (and bags)? Was force necessary to deal with it? Did I invite negativity into my home by being so willful and determined? Should I have done the task instead with peace and gentleness?

The conclusion that I came to is this (which is quite surprising, to me):
No.
Sometimes energy is just energy.
It doesn't have a label unless you give it one.
It isn't "good" or "bad". It just is what it is. This particular one was physical. It had a bit of resentment and yuckiness attached to it - being all about six months of bills and paper that should never have been used for thirty credit card apps a week that I am absolutely not interested in - but I used that energy for my benefit.
I cannot say if my own influenced my son, or if he would have had that energy, regardless. Maybe it was in the air in the first place, and that's why I felt the need to do some tackling.
When Eric came home, he was full of it, too.
By this time I was able to not be electrified every time someone spoke loudly, and just noticed it happening.

Now it's Wednesday morning, I'm here and the children are still sleeping.
I made sure to put my Happy Home concoction in the potpourri burner (oils for creativity, love, peace, and prosperity) and it's a new day.

I was in a hurry yesterday to get all the yuckies out of my house so that I could begin anew.

The banishing is done - so today I plan to think healing and embracing.
It's Wednesday - a day for healing, communicating, and wisdom.
Sounds good to me.

Tuesday, January 08, 2008

new moon rising

I feel -
a New Moon risin'.....

There are a couple of Don'ts in the laws of magick.
The first is The Biggy - Harm None.
That means no One and no Thing.
All creatures are Blessed - much like Buddhism - you not only respect, but cherish all of life - all seeds, rocks, insects, animals, peoples, winds (what troubles or is irritating to you can greatly benefit or save another), everything holds perfection, and is not yours to dominate nor degrade.

The second is of far lesser importance - but something most stand by, none-the-less.
No magick during a moon while it's Void of Course. Which means while it is between astrological influences.
I know - it means nothing to most - it's "Hooey", as Eric would say.

That aside - today I felt the need to plunge forward. (Turns out, it's Tuesday - a time for aggression and dominance. Imagine that.)

The Moon was new early this morning - at 4:37am.

If you're a considerer of such things then you probably know that a new moon is a grand time to start anew.
If you are particularly interested in such things, then you may even know what phase it's in. Void of course, at the moment.
But tomorrow morning - tomorrow morning is a different story.
Tomorrow it enters Aquarius. At 4:13am.

But today.
Today I felt the need to.... do something.
To do something about a mess that has been a huge part of my life and my head.
Namely - the mail.
It has haunted me and vexed me and I've damned, neglected, ignored and cursed it for several months. Yes, months!
I've paid bills, of course - online, and without even opening anything that doesn't seem out of the ordinary.
Anyway - it was a mess. A disaster, actually.
I don't care what you believe, that much mail and bills (not to mention those damned loan offers - "we'd like to offer you a 50k loan for 26% interest!") sitting around accumulating cannot be good for the psyche and the senses!

So today called for a bit of magick.
I choose to burn my shreddables. There is something just really satisfying about seeing my bills go up in flames. Sort of a banishing and final feeling to it.Most satisfactory, I must say.
Course, if you're going to burn things, you need to add a little personal mojo to it.
A few herbs corresponding to your thoughts, wishes and desires concerning said papers.

Aaaah.

Then you gotta cleanse the actual space that the bills collected for months and months....
Then you may as well get the good mojo going around the rest of the house.....

Cleansings, blessings, sprinklings, whisperings, lots of good thoughts...

and we'll be All Ready for a New Beginning tomorrow.
In a New Year.
Under a New Moon.
In a New Phase - one that's all about Revolution.

Well then.
Let's revolve, by all means.